The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. "Yes", Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." ************************************************** In a local radio interview, a female newscaster interviewed the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday? Mr. Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting...... Interviewer: Shooting!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? Mr. Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range. Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? Mr. Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm. Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. Mr. Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you? ************************************************** At last some meaning to my life! I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,they're sober.--William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.-Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.-Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.-Anonymous No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.-G.K. Chesterton Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.-Catherine Zandonella Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.-Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.-Anonymous I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.-Anonymous Work is the curse of the drinking classes.-Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.-Anonymous I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.-Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven - Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...-Brian O'Rourke You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.-Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.-Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer.-Plato Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.-Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.-Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.-Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.-Homer Simpson I drink to make other people interesting.-George Jean Nathan All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.-Homer Simpson ************************************** There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions. "What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?" She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush." ************************************** The Divorce ----------- "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." ************************************** Blind Date ---------- The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear. She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?" ************************************** The Sin of Lying ---------------- A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." ************************************** The Man with no Arms and Legs ----------------------------- There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?' ***************************************** Cool Old Rooster ---------------- An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'