Doorbell ------- A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" ********************************************* Technology for Country Folk... ------------------------------ 1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter. 2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. 3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove. 4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. 5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood. 6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. 7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood. 8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time. 9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time. 10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside. 11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season. 12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do. 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. 14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag. 15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. 17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. 18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. 20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn. 21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof. 22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all" 24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks. 25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole. ********************************************* EuroEnglish ----------- The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. ********************************************* Perverted? ---------- This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and says 'What does this remind you of?' The guy says, 'a naked woman.' Then he shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question and the guy says, 'a naked woman on a bed'. Then the psychiatrist tells to him, 'You sick pervert!' The guy replies, 'I'm not a pervert, you are the one who is showing me all these naughty pictures.' ********************************************* Signs ----- A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor. He yells down to him, but the man can't hear, so he uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning, 'I'. Then at his knee, meaning, 'need'. Then moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming." ********************************************* The Ugly Frog ------------- A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!" Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me." Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you." Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell." Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?" Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job." ********************************************* Old Pa 'n' Old Ma Jones ----------------------- Old Pa Jones tells Old Ma Jones that he's going into town today to apply for Social Security. Ma says, "But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?" "Now don't you worry, Ma," say Pa, and leaves for town. Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in just three weeks. "So how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma. "Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest." "Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?" ********************************************* SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS. A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES NOT NEED. A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A HUSBAND. A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE. A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS WIFE CAN SPEND. A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN. TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT. TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL. MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED. WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT. A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE DOESN'T. A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON'T CHANGE, BUT SHE DOES. MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED MEN ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE. ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE'S NO USE IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING. A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT. ************************************** An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "You betcha!" When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke." ******************* A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell. ****************************************** Great Female Comebacks... Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man "Is this seat empty?" Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman "It's in the phone book." Man "But I don't know your name." Woman "That's in the phone book too." Man "So what do you do for a living?" Woman "I'm a female impersonator." Man "What sign were you born under?" Woman "No Parking." Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman "Do not Enter" Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman "Unfertilized !" Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man "I know how to please a woman." Woman "Then please leave me alone." Man "I want to give myself to you." Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man "I can tell that you want me." Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.." Man "Your body is like a temple." Woman "Sorry, there are no services today." Man "I'd go through anything for you." Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?