A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day mate, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometers from Condobolin. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you." At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist..... "I see you're an accountant". "Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?" "I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help." ******************************** A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice .... "How much do you want it to be?" .....He got the job ********************************* A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ********************************* Wedding Vows ------------ During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." To Beer Or Not To Beer ---------------------- The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. ******************************************* A Short History of Medicine --------------------------- I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. ******************************************* Missing Person -------------- A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" ******************************************* You know you drink too much coffee when... ------------------------------------------ * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You answer the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." ******************************************* Politics -------- Son: "Dad I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Dad: "Sure son, what`s the question?" Son: "What is POLITICS?" Dad: "Well, let`s take our home for example, I am the wage earner so lets call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money so we`ll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs so let`s call you the PEOPLE. We`ll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand? Son: "I`m not really sure. Dad, I`ll have to think about it." That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother`s crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parents` room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid`s room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy`s knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning................... Son: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS." Dad: "That`s great son, explain it to me in your own words." Son: "Well, Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored and the FUTURE is full of crap." ******************************************* The Laziest ----------- A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply. ******************************************* Bad News -------- A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..." ******************************************* The Reason why... ----------------- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?" "There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast." ******************************************* Why Men Can't Win ----------------- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. ******************************************* Engineers vs. Managers ---------------------- A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length." ******************************************* Morals in the Modern World -------------------------- Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"