A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth." "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in." **************************************************** You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners,"is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. A man celebrating his 75th wedding anniversary was asked to explain the secret of a long, happy marriage. He quickly responded, "when you have the last word in an argument, it had better be 'yes, ma'am' or 'no ma'am'". **************************************************** Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? **************************************************** What does your Dad do? ---------------------- Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy. **************************************************** "Why aren't you married yet?" ----------------------------- You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And spoil my great life? Nobody would believe me in white. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fiance is awaiting parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. **************************************************** "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her ?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset ? I am desperate! I can't think, I can't concentrate, my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand ? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay ?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near- whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."