Adam & Eve =--= A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." ******************************************************************************* 10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE =--= 1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper. 2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 8. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 9. Ask people what gender they are. 10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. ******************************************************************************* Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90's: =--= 22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. The #1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: ** You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person ** ******************************************************************************* Come in... =--= A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him" ******************************************************************************* Sick at last =--= A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this." ******************************************************************************* A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!" ******************************************************************************* 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweater your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move South Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over Clinton finally tells all. ******************************************************************************* Dear Mom and Dad Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because & We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up, but scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. Don't worry about anything. We are fine Love, Raymond P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? --