STUFF FROM RESUMES THAT DIDN'T WORK =--= I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Marital status: Often. Children: various. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Finished eighth in my class of ten. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. ***************************************************************************** 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should: =--= 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane). 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. ***************************************************************************** CATZ AND DOGZ =--= A master calls his/her pet. A dog looks at its master, runs to the master, wags his tail, jumps up and down in excitement, wiggles his entire body, hangs out his tongue, while saying, "Yes, yes, yes!! What can I do for you? What can I do for you? What can I do for YOU?" A cat looks at its (hah!) master and says, "So?!?" ***************************************************************************** Product Warnings In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: *On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. * Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. * On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. * On Boot's CHILDREN'S Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. * On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. * On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. * On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. ***************************************************************************** A LETTER HOME ^---------------^ Dear Mom and Dad: It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ...OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by antendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village. I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Chelsea P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too! P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others. ***************************************************************************** IN HEAVEN ^-------------^ St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?" ***************************************************************************** When is Enough? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Signs You've Had Enough to Drink: - You lose arguments with inanimate objects. - You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. - Job interfering with your drinking. - Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. - Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. - The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. - Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. - 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! - Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! - You can focus better with one eye closed. - The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. - You fall off the floor... - Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. - Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! - Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you - At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh. - Your idea of cutting back is less salt. - You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. - The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... - You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. - Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. - Roseanne looks good. - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. - That damned pink elephant followed me home again. - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. - I'm as jober as a sudge. - The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. - You wake up screaming "TORO, TORO, TORO!" in the middle of the night.