Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white ? So they can tell if they're coming or going. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet. ******************************************************************************** The New Priest ------------------------------------ A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. " So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say " He was stoned off his ass. " 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body ", he did not say, "Eat me. " 12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry ". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God " 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ******************************************************************************** Good,bad,worse Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You Can't find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a crossdresser. Worse: He Looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want. Bad: Because she's leaving you. Worse: For another woman Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year. Good: The Teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually Worse: The teacher is a man Good: You came home for a quickie Bad: The postman had the same idea Worse: And so had the 5 other guys in line. ******************************************************************************** Someone has told me this story sometime ago, while I was in the plane. I was on a Reno Air flight from San Jose to Las Vegas and the plane was taxiing to take off. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "For those of you currently reading our in-flight magazine, please place it back in the seat pocket in front of you, as it is for IN-FLIGHT only." Later on, once we were airborne, he came back and said, "If you're sitting on the right side of the plane, look out the window and you will see big, white, fluffy clouds. If you're on the left side of the plane, you'll see ... big, white, fluffy clouds. Directly beneath you is...your luggage." Once we landed, he told us to remain seated with our seatbelts fastened until we were fully stopped at the gate. Just as we were about to reach the gate, he said, "Don't even think about it!" He also said, "We have a man onboard who is celebrating his 100th birthday and this is his first flight! It is also probably his last flight." ('Boo's' from the passengers.) "So please, when you walk by the cockpit , wish the pilot a happy birthday." ******************************************************************************** A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T": Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As Men Mature... (from the male point of view) When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits. ******************************************************************************** A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." ******************************************************************************** A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend. The phone rang and she answered it, then turned to the man and said "It's okay, that was my husband and he won't be home for a couple of hours. He's playing cards with you." ******************************************************************************** Sisters Logical and Mathematical: These 2 nuns go out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half an hour ? S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants. S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us. S.M. : Oh, no! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course, we'll have to start walking faster. S.M. : It is not working. S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster. S.M. : So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute. S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He can't follow both of us. So, the man decides to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. S.M. : Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened? S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me. S.M. : So, what happened? Please tell us. S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. S.M. : So what happened? S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. S.M. : And what else? S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ? S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up. S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do? S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. S.M. : Oh, no! What happened then? S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down. ******************************************************************************** Here are a collection of (old) lawyer one-liners. It is so much fun to hate lawyers! What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller.