Dear Jimmy,�

I really don't know where to start this letter. I am still in shock, hitting me like a ton of bricks when your mother told me you said; "I don't know why he wants anything to do with me now, he never did before." The possibility you feel that way is like the weight of the world crushing my shoulders.

Being so young, 19 & 20 your mom and I were faced with the reality of life, the responsibility of two baby boys that had to be fed, bathed, clothed, housed, doctor visits, you name it, we could barely keep our heads above water. Being hundreds and sometimes 1000s of miles apart did not help matters any.

I was in the Army while your mom, a strong woman, was in Ohio staying at her mom's trying to make ends meet. When it came time for your mother and I to have our time together there wasn't any time or energy left to work on our relationship. No relationship will ever last if there isn't a commitment on both partners, sharing feelings, spending time together, most of all being best friends like we were before I went into the army. We talked every day for hours together about anything and everything. Sometimes we sat holding the phone to be close to each other without saying a word.

You and I had a bond once too Jimmy. I used to take pictures of you like your first steps, camera clicking away until your butt hit the floor. You were a cute baby. We bought you toys but, you didn't want to play with them. One day I brought home a carburator to rebuild and you claimed it as your new toy. When I took it away you would cry for it, so needless to say, it never got on that car. Plates and insurance in Germany was expensive anyway, so we walked, took cabs, or the train. The point is, we did stuff as a family. You had a funny laugh, I would to tickle you all the time to hear it.

You were born before I shipped out to Germany. I got in trouble for taking too many days leave because I wasn't going anywhere until you were born. You stayed in that oven as long as you could, scaring your mom and doctor half to death. They didn't tell me until long after you were born, they suspected you would be brain damaged from staying in the birth canal head first. It scared me so thinking "What if?" I counted your toes and finger, not even thinking about the possibility of you being handicapped in any way. You were ok by the grace of God watching over us and delivering us a beautiful little boy, perfect in every way. What a job it must of been for your mom on her own, I should of been there with her.

I went to Germany to be a soldier in a peace time army. I didn't know what a dad was supposed to be like. I mean I had a dad and my parents are still married but, my dad being a truck driver and never around, working his butt off because he had 7 kids to feed, was gone for weeks and months at a time. The first time I can remember Dad telling me that he loved me was when he almost died a couple years back when I was 33. When he told me it was an emotional release inside that opened this channel between us. I never learned much from him about life growing up but I'll always remember his image. He tried his best and I know deep inside, he really wanted to be there more.

The one football practice Dad made it to, he was beaming with pride because I was a runt, making quarterback sacks like a senior instead of a freshman. What a great season that was, undefeated winning the city league freshman championship. All I had was the image of that one practice to drive me on the field. I wished every game to look up into that homefield parents section and see him rooting for me, so instead I used the one image as much as possible throughout my life. I don't blame my dad because his dad was a heavy drinker, dying drunk.

I felt guilty being so far away, your mother writing me sad letters making me miss you more, feeling as if I had abandoned you two. I went into a depressive state for about 6 months until your mom got there with you, then I was happy but lost. I had become very depressed and drinking was my little cave to hide in so I didn't have to listen to your mom's rightful complaining. I would leave at 4 am and come home stumbling late at nite.

At first your mom was helpful and patient with me to learn how to do things. As the months wore on she became what I thought was critical of me and I started going to the club with my friends, using every excuse so I didn't have to fail again. Your mother and I were rapidly growing distant and I didn't know who to turn to, turning to my friends. I thought they knew what to do. Guys always do that... dumb move, but the majority of those guys were single and never had a clue. Your mom would get so mad because she would only give me enough money to eat lunch with but somehow, day after day, I would find a way to party some more. I got really good at pool and won most of my drinks, thinking it was cool. I didn't know what it was doing to her inside and I was depressed enough not to change.

I came home picking you up and playing with you as much as I could, you didn't care, you thought it was funny if daddy fell down. Your mother and I were to the break-up point and she went back to her mom's, this time pregnant with Jeremy. I spent another lonely year apart from my family. I came home on leave when Jeremy was born, but can't remember much about that time because I was afraid to get close and be hurt again by losing him too. I guess I thought it was easier to deal with the separation that way. When I got out I moved in with my parents, your mother coming to see me a few times. I would walk you around the park and be a proud dad. We decided that we still loved each other and got back together. Things were alright for a while and then the bad memories between us became weapons to hurl at each other in our arguments. We tortured each other with words that you can't take back.

Your mom decided that she wanted a divorce and I fought it and cried many nights when we all were together. I would beg your mom for forgiveness and try to get her to change her mind, but I had already lost her. She couldn't take the hurt anymore and she just wouldn't budge.

I was slipping back into depression fast and I pondered suicide at least every other night. The only reason I didn't kill myself was I kept thinking that someday, You and Jeremy would need me and it was selfish to take that away. I don't remember much the next few years except I was happy on the outside, a regular joker, but on the inside I was torn up so bad I didn't know who I was. I used other women to ease the pain along with alcohol and hid from my true emotions. This is what real guys do I thought. I withdrew from you and Jeremy again because it was easier to stay away than to fight the emotions of loving you boys and your mother so much that I cried every time I saw you and realized it would never be the same again.

I went this far to tell you how I feel on the inside. and how it felt to be me and the things I was going through. I was rough and ragged on the edges. I don't know to this day what made me be the person I was but I do know that I loved you very much and I still do. You boys mean the world to me. I guess I always was afraid to get close to you and get hurt.

I wish there was a blueprint for being a dad because things would have turned out different. I wish we could start over from when you were about 8 and you came over and we goofed around. We wrestled and romped through the house till we got yelled at. You talked to me about everything imagineable and I listened. We had fun as a family.

I remember your birthday every year, sometimes its a couple days late but times are tough. It takes the two of us to run a household here and we don't get to spend much time with the kids but, we do what we can. There were many times you didn't want to come over because of friends, computer, mad at me for something, the list goes on. I probably did the same after a while too, getting tired of being hurt when you didn't want to come over. You didn't take time to give me a hug when I came to pick you up and I would leave in tears with just Jeremy.

It got a little easier over the years to hold back the tears but the pain was still there. Jimmy, we missed you over the years, we talk about you, keeping you in our thoughts. Your sister cries sometimes getting emotional because you don't call her or talk to her. She asks us why her bubbies aren't coming over very much anymore and don't know what to tell her so we tell her you love her and that seems to help.

We really wish you would come around and get to know us, we're not that bad of people and maybe if were so boring you could show us how to have fun. My wife is a wonderful woman who loves you very much and she's hurting too. You two use to be good buds when you came to florida, you were gonna join her catalog company and you probably knew the presentation more than I. You two laughed alot that summer but the next was different. You made comments to your brothers about how she hated you and always picking on you and couldn't wait to go home. Well that's where we've been since, you at your house and us at ours. I've moved twice now to be closer to you and we grew farther apart. Maybe there's a road map to where we should go from here. When you find it let me know and be sure to hold on to it for your kids because you will be just like me whether you try to be or not.

Things will show up later in life and the way you look at things now will be different and the answers you thought you knew just aren't there because we didn't talk about them. You'll have to make those choices for yourself.

Well son the time came one day and a wise man told me the following ...if you keep doing what your doing then you'll keep getting what your getting. I woke up and realized that yes I was responsible for things that I said and did and for things I didn't do or take care of. We wasted alot of time the past few years and we can't get that back. When your ready to come to our home, the door is always open. You can pick up the phone and call. I do believe I had a hand in your creation and the shaping of who you are today but I don't feel I am totally to blame for everything. We love you and we need you in our lives.

I love you son,
Dad