Seven Quick Ways to Get
 Even With The Big Owner

1.  When Big Owner gets up in middle of night
     for a midnight snack, be in his spot when he
     comes back to bed.  Spread out. Cover as
     much acreage as you can.  Absolutely
     pretend to be asleep.  Chances are he
     won't disturb you and go sleep on the
     couch.

2.  When Big Owner sleeps in past feeding
      time.
      Play cat hockey with items on the
      headboard.
      Loose change and watches are easy to
      knock on to the bed.  You score a *goal*
      when you whack the Big Owner in the
      forehead.

3.  When Big Owner goes to all the trouble to
     change the litter in the cat box...use it right
     away.  And be sure to toss a few grains of
     litter out of the box on the floor.  You don't
     want it looking un-used too long.

4.  When Big Owner puts down food you do
     not like, never touch it. Sniff it.  Look at the
     Big O and then back at the food. Scratch
     your paw on the floor in and attempt to
     cover up the food: He'll get the idea.
     DO NOT TOUCH THE FOOD THE
     REST OF THE DAY
     UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING.
      It's quite a statement when he has to lift the
      old, crusted over lump of lard back to the
      sink to run it down the disposal.

5.  When Big Owner hands out kitty treats,
     look for the hidden meaning.  Trips to vets
     and baths are close at hand.  Best to make
     the Big Owner place the treat on the floor
     and wait until they back up.  Do not
     approach until humans are out of arms
     length. Then enjoy.

6.  When Big Owner lays out his clothes on the
     bed each morning,make sure you sit on
     them while the Big Owner is in the shower.
     Nothing's more fun than the look of the
     Big Owner stepping out of the shower to
     see you shedding on his new black
     trousers.

7.  If coughing up a hairball, be as dramatic as
     you can.
     The Big O will notice and race to get a
     towel or something and place it under your
     chin to catch the surprise.

  Turn your head at the last moment.

These are just a few of the things I did today.

 It was a good day.

written by Mark Mason
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