- I created Teen Dads and Stepdads because I was a teen dad and stepdad.
Pretty simple. I'm 20 years old so I'm really not a teen anymore, but I
was when I created the site and it seems crazy to change the name now.
- We are a year old! I created the website and introduced it to the web
in February of 1999.
- My son Damien was born when I was 17 years old, and just turned 3 on
July 6. His mom Susanna had a son from a previous relationship, my stepson
Kyle is 11 months older than Damien is, he turned 4 on August 1. Susanna
and married in June of 1997, and in June 1998 found out we were expecting
another baby. Sean was delivered at 6 months via emergency c-section on
January 2, 1999.
- I'm a widowed dad and a single stepdad, and a birthfather.
The next two sections are titled Widower and Adoption.
- WIDOWER
- Losing someone you love is the most devastating thing that can happen
to a person in their life. Can there be anything worse? Losing a family
member is like losing a part of yourself.
- It used to be that the only way a father could be raising his children
alone (without a mother) is if the mother died. That is no longer true,
dads are gaining custody after a divorce, stopping and reclaiming unwanted
or illegal adoptions, and even choosing single parenthood by opting to
adopt children. Several laws had to change to let these things happen,
because (for example) before the 1980s there was a law that forbid a dad
to stop his child from being adopted off, even if he wanted the child and
had the means to raise it. Especially a dad who was single (not married
to the mother) had no legal claim to the child. Now of course there are
laws that force adoption agencies to contact and notify fathers that their
baby if being placed up for adoption, and the dad can file to stop the
adoption if he is against it. The law are still biased so there are no
guarantees that he will win his case, and it costs impossible amounts of
money to get it done. But it can be done.
- We still have a really long way to go, and this next thing seems to
prove it. There are dads who are technically single, who prefer to say
that they are widowed. Of course, they can't legally claim to be widowed,
since to be widowed you have to be married first. What happens to them
is that the mother of their child(ren) is in fact deceased, but they had
not been married to her. Why are they claiming to have been widowed? This
is the question I had on my mind, because having gone through a loss I
can't imagine anyone wanting to go through the insensitive comments people
make, the misguided pity, etc. The answer is it saves them from something
worse, which is the rude and insensitive comments anyone claiming to be
a single dad gets. Look at it this way, instead of having to explain how
and why they have their children living with them (which is an especially
rude and offending remark very often made by women), they can just state
in one word that the mother is not in the picture and they have the kids
all the time. I do get the logic here.
- Well, the reason for my writing this... First of all I found it interesting
and think it's yet another example of the insensitive and offending things
that dads are made to put up with (in this case we see the result -- some
dads have found an effective way of curbing this). Second I wanted to point
out that for all intent and purposes, "widowed" means you have
lost a loved one who was a large part of your life. Now, I don't agree
that you had to be married to this person. That's a legality. I've met
many young parents, moms and dads, who have lost a girlfriend/boyfriend,
fiance/e, or partner, and their feelings and the things they deal with
are no different from mine.
- The English language is really limited in some ways. We need a few
new words here. We need a word that means a dad who is raising his children
alone. Single dad, to everyone, means a dad who is divorced, or an absent
father. Certainly a "single father" is not a father raising his
kids. The immediate assumption is that he does not have his children with
him. He is single -- not together with the mother of the children, not
married, he is living alone while his children are living with the single
mother (a single mother of course exists where there is a single father...
that is the assumption, for every single mother there exists a single "father,"
and therefor for every "single father" a single mother is raising
the kids). Custodial dad, now there's a potentially good term. But not
good enough, it's used for visitations, weekend custody, joint custody.
And we have this word "widowed," now shared between two very
different worlds. On one side it's used to say "my ex is dead, I have
my kids, I got lucky," and on the other side it tells of pain and
loss.
- I would like it if better words existed, to suit everyone. There should
be a word for being single but not having an ex, a word for being single
and being the only parent your kids have, a word less distant that "visitations"
and more active than "weekend custody." Unfortunately now it's
come to the point where we just don't know what someone means when they
say "I'm a single dad," or "I'm widowed." A single
dad, that could mean a dozen things. And widowed? You don't know if they're
happy or upset about it. Did it destroy their life or fix it? It used to
be you knew just from this one word.
- ADOPTION
- I chose open adoption for my youngest child, Sean. This next section
has a little background information and my thoughs on adoption.
- Sean was delivered at 6 months via emergency c-section on January 2,
1999. He was not as bad off as some preemies are, and has no heath problems
as a result. But to a young parent, months-long stays in a hospital are
devastating. Sean's medical bills combined with my wife's totalled over
$25,000. If I wanted to keep my child I would have not only had to pay
that bill in full, but would have had to hire a lawyer and probably go
to court. A mother needs only to give birth to secure her place as a child's
parent. Bills can be paid by agencies created for that reasob. There was
no financial help available for me. It was pay this $25,000 + legal fees
if you want to keep this child, and it was set in stone. Obviously there
was no way I was going to find this money, and going into dept was impossible
-- I had a responsibility to already two children who would need to be
provided for, taking on a third and going into a dept this big was not
an option. I went to court to see if some sense could be talked into the
higher powers that control all of this. My child was lying in a hospital,
and I could not have him released to me because there was no way I was
going to come up with $25,000. Well, it made no sense to me, but apparently
it made perfect sense to those higher powers. So I wasted a trip to court,
some lawyers fees, and time.
- Next step. Well you have to remember I just lost my wife too. So dealing
with this situation of not being able to take my child out of the hospital
-- by the way he was there 23 days past the date he could have been released,
and the bills mounted during that entire time! -- was all done in between
going to grief counseling, changing my job so I could take care of the
two kids I had at home, and of course taking care of the kids. The next
step was really dealing with another loss when I accepted the fact that
I was not taking this child home.
- After that there were two things that could have happened. I could
accept his loss. Or I could try to save something. It's not a good place
to be. You don't have options. Whatever way you look it's still a bad choice,
still a loss, and still an option you don't want to take. If I had done
nothing an adoptive family would have been chosen for Sean, without my
knowledge or input, and the adoption likely would have been closed. To
challenge that adoption, to say that "No I don't like this family,"
or "No, I want an open adoption," would have meant a trip to
court, and probably loss. What can you do in this situation?
- Well he was still my child. I'm the birthfather and legally had the
right to choose adoption for my newborn. So that's what I did. I chose
the family, I had very definite standards, and I made sure that we would
have an arrangement that all of us could live with. Open adoption can mean
many things. Sometimes it's only receiving photos and updates by mail from
the people who adopt your child. Other times it's having the child actually
know you, know who you are, or even be in contact with you. Sometimes,
very rarely, it can mean sharing in the everyday life of your child as
s/he grows up. I chose something in between those later two options. I
am not claiming to be his parent, that is, I am not claiming to still have
a right to raise him or make decisions about his upbringing, but I spend
time with him and his family, and don't have to make special arrangements
or get permission to see him. That doesn't mean I walk into his adoptive
parents' house unannounced, having an arrangement like we have places a
responmsibility on both sides to use good judgement and to respect each
other. I respect the fact that they are Sean's parents and have exclusive
rights to make all decisions regarding his welfare and upbringing, and
they respect the fact that I will play a permanenent and constant part
in his life. Adoption no longer means you drop out of your child's life
for 18 years, you don't need to catch up on lost time once your child is
of age, and you don't have to go through searches, reunions, or other problems.
- By "alternative adoption" usually is meant a single parent
adoption, gay and lesbian adoption, adoptions by people over the a certain
age, or adoption of special needs children or sibling groups. There has
always been a small percentage of parents who choose alternative adoption
for their child because it's their best option. There are some children
who do better in single parent families. Some birthparents find that it's
much easier to get the arrangement they want when they choose a parent
or couple who don't have as many children to choose from or are having
trouble adopting. Siblings who are placed together often are placed in
some type of alternative situation.
