THE JOHN CLEESE SONG

By Paul E. Jamison

Music by Bob Leaper (traditional)

Based on “The Ferret Song” by Graham Chapman and John Cleese

A ferret, wearing a conservative suit and bowler and carrying an umbrella, steps forward. A dignified Cambridge man sticks his head out of the ferret’s nostril and solemnly says, “And now for something completely different”. The ferret begins to sing:

I've got a John Cleese sticking up my nose.

How it got there I can't tell

But now it's there it hurts like hell

And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell.

I've got a John Cleese sticking up my nose.

It starts singing when I wear my formal clothes.

I can almost stand the noise

But at parties it destroys

My hard-earned and carefully cultivated social poise.

I've got a John Cleese sticking up my nose.

Worst of all it constantly explodes.

"John Cleese doesn't explode," you say

But it happened nine times yesterday

And I should know for each time I was standing in the way.

I've got a John Cleese sticking up my nose.

It pokes its head out every time I blow.

I can stand it for a while

Although it's absolutely vile

It's not as bad as last week when I had an Eric Idle.

I can see a bare-bottomed Michael Palin.

Slyly eyeing my other nostril.

I really don't know what to do

But if it jumps inside there too

I shall be the proud possessor of a kind of nasal classic British television comedy series.

I've got a John Cleese sticking up my nose.

How it got there I can't tell

But now it's there it hurts like hell

And what is more it radically affects...

My sense of smell!