Title: Learning at the Feet of the Master

Learning at the Feet of the Master

by Paul E. Jamison

[The scene: A cabin in the middle of the vast Canadian forest. Four people are seated on the floor: three Mounted policemen and a very elderly Inuit shaman.]

Constable Benton Fraser: Teacher, I wish to introduce two new Mounted Policemen to you – Constable Raymond Vecchio and Constable Stanley Raymond Kowalski. [To Ray and Stan] My friends, this is Jimmy Umingmait. He taught me much that I needed to survive here in the North.

[Greetings are exchanged.]

Jimmy Umingmait: I am pleased to meet your friends, young Benton. I am curious why you are here. Is there something I can do for you and your friends?

Fraser: Yes, I believe that there is. Canada has changed, Teacher. It is a harsher place now than when we were young. My friends will face great challenges as mounted policemen – in many ways it will be harder here than it was for them as policemen in Chicago. I feel that they must be prepared. I bring them here to you so that they may learn the traditional Inuit spiritual disciplines; I feel that the disciplinary techniques will be of invaluable help to them in their duties.

Constable Stan Kowalski: Hey, wait a minute! We'll be up against robbers and murderers and worse! How can this spiritual stuff be any help?

Constable Ray Vecchio [grinning]: Oh, I've seen this before! If it's what I think it is, it's gonna be a big help!

Fraser: You're right, Ray, it is what you think it is.

Kowalski [shrugs]: Okay, if you guys say so, I'll go along.

Jimmy Umingmait: Very well, young Benton, I will teach your friends the old ways. But know that the path will be a long one. You must know patience –

[Door bursts open. American business tycoon in expensive suit strides in, followed by young toady in another expensive suit.]

Young toady in expensive suit: Okay, Eskimo, we're here to deal!

Jimmy Umingmait: Inuit.

Young toady: What?

Jimmy Umingmait: Some of my people consider Eskimo to be derogatory. We prefer Inuit.

Young toady: Whatever. My boss is here to buy this land from you, and he's prepared to make an attractive offer. How much do you want for it?

Jimmy Umingmait: I'm sorry, but this land is not mine to sell. It is the Great Spirit's land, and He only allows us to live here in return for our reverence and respect for Him.

Young toady: But while you're giving out all this reverence and respect stuff, this land goes to waste! There's lots of valuable resources that my boss would put to good use – timber, minerals, maybe even oil! You don't want all of that to just sit here, do you? [Holds out contract and pen.] Now, if you'll sign here…

Kowalski: Hey, he said the land's not for sale! You got a problem with that!

Vecchio: Yeah, back off, buddy!

American business tycoon in expensive suit: We're not talking to you crazy people!

Kowalski: Who are you calling crazy?

Young toady: You two are crazy! You moved out of the United States, didn't you? You actually left the greatest country in the World! [Toady's voice chokes up] America – the Land of Liberty and freedom for all – and if anyone says anything against her, they should be shot without a trial! You two left Her and moved up here! You must be crazy to do something like that!

Vecchio: Now, look here, you little –

Fraser: Calm down, Ray. Sir, may I ask what gives you the right to come up here and take land from the Inuits?

American business tycoon: I'm white and I'm rich and I'm an American! That's gives me the right! It's always given me the right! Don't interfere with Free Enterprise, Canadian! Get that Eskimo or Inuit or whatever to sign those papers! [Young toady pushes contract in Jimmy Umingmait's face and puts on disgusting smile.]

Jimmy Umingmait: Young Benton, I appreciate the support of you and your friends, but I can take care of this myself. Constable Kowalski, Constable Vecchio, please pay attention. You are to be afforded the honor of witnessing an important part of my people's spiritual life.

[Jimmy Umingmait turns to face the young toady.]

Jimmy Umingmait: Boot to the head.

WHOOSH – THUNK!

Young toady: UNNGH!!

Kowalski: Wow!

Vecchio: Now doesn't that look useful in our line of work?

Kowalski: Sure does! Looks a lot like Tae Kwan Leep!

Fraser: Tae Kwan Leep? I believe I've heard of that. It's a form of Oriental martial arts, isn't?

Kowalski: Yeah. I saw it once or twice in Chinatown back in Chicago. I wanted to look into it some more, but never got around to it.

Jimmy Umingmait: I have heard of this Tae Kwan Leep. There are similarities, but the two disciplines developed independently, as far as I have been able to discover.

Young toady: Uhh… Ow…

American business tycoon: Well, get back up, boy! He's just haggling on the price! Offer him some more money!

Young toady: Uhh… Okay, boss. Sir, I'm empowered to offer you an attractive sum…

Jimmy Umingmait: Boot to the head.

WHOOSH – THUNK!

Young toady: UGGH! Oh… Oh, okay, buddy, you're starting to tick me off! You're not dealing with some weakling here! I train in the most expensive gym in the city, so I'm more than a match for you! Now you're gonna get it!

Jimmy Umingmait: Boot to the head.

WHOOSH – THUNK!

Young toady: Ohhh… Um, I don't think I can concentrate on these negotiations right at the moment, boss. [Falls down.]

American business tycoon: All right, Eskimo! I've tried to be reasonable, but you're forcing me to get ugly! [Goes to cabin door.] Boys, get in here!

[Three beefy thugs trundle in, step over the young toady and crowd around Jimmy Umingmait.]

Thug: Ya shouldn't oughta done that, mister. Now me and my buds're gonna have to get rough with ya!

Fraser: Oh, dear…

Jimmy Umingmait: Do not fret about it, Benton.

[Thugs jump on Jimmy Umingmait.]

Jimmy Umingmait: Boot to the head – boot to the head – boot to the head –

WHOOSH–THUNK! –– WHOOSH–THUNK! –– WHOOSH–THUNK!

Thugs: OOH! OWWW! OOH-AAH-OOH! URGGH! OUCH!

[Two thugs end up lying on floor. Third sways on his feet, staring at Jimmy Umingmait.]

Thug: Ya shouldn't oughta done that, either, mister. [Falls down.]

[Fraser, Kowalski, Vecchio and Jimmy Umingmait look at American business tycoon.]

American business tycoon: You really want a lot for this land, don't you? You drive a hard bargain, but I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement…

Kowalski: You greedy twerp! Can't you get it through your skull that he won't sell the land for any amount of money?

American business tycoon: Don't give me that baloney, crazy man! Anybody will sell anything if you offer enough money! It's human nature! It's how I got rich! Now, how much do you want, Mr. Eskimo?

Kowalski: Oh, for – Boot to the head!

WHOOSH – THUNK!

American business tycoon: This goes against all that Capitalism stands for. Ooooh… [Falls over]

Jimmy Umingmait: Very good, Constable Kowalski, especially for a first try!

Kowalski: Yeah, well, I think it comes natural for me. Thanks for the compliment.

Jimmy Umingmait: I would guess that you and Constable Vecchio will prove to be fine pupils.

Vecchio: Thank you, sir! And may I say that we are so glad that your land is safe!

[Two ferrets, a Sable and a Dark-Eyed White, appear. They're dressed in the red serge and Stetson of the RCMP; a yarmulke is visible under the DEW's Stetson.]

Murphy: This calls for a song-and-dance, wouldn't you say?

Vecchio: Murphy? Sammy? This isn't a Rainbow Bridge story! What're you doing here?

Sammy: Listen, meshugine, this story could use some ferrets! And besides, we can show up if we want to! You want we should boot some head, too?

Vecchio [Holds up hands in placatory gesture]: Hey, ease up! You two are welcome here, no problems! Didn't someone say something about a song and dance?

Kowalski: Sounds like a good idea! Clear the floor and let's get to it!

[Skippy, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy and Skippy appear and drag the unconscious humans off to one side. Fraser, Kowalski, Vecchio, Murphy and Sammy start dancing.]

Murphy and Sammy:

Ni-nah nah-nah ni-nah-nah-nah

Nah-nah Nah Ni-nah-nah

Ni-nah nah-nah ni-nah-nah-nah

Nah-nah Nah-ni-nah-nah

Fraser:

People who leave bread crumbs

Stuck in the high-priced spread!

People who cough at the Opera,

Give them a boot to the head!

All:

Boot to the Head! Nah, nah…

Boot to the Head! Nah nah nah… Nah. Nah nah nah…

Kowalski:

People who listen to boy bands!

People who blow smoke in your face!

People at conventions wearing pointy ears!

People who steal your parking place!

All:

Boot to the Head! Nah, nah…

Boot to the Head! Nah nah nah… Nah. Nah nah nah…

Vecchio:

People who want to eliminate

The separation of Church and State!

People in fancy restaurants

Who finish by licking their plates!

All:

Boot to the head! Nah, nah…

BOOT – TO – THE HEAD!!

THE END

DISCLAIMER

This story is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to infringe on copyrights held by Alliance Communications Corp., CBS and CTV or any other copyright holders of "due South".