Becoming A Super Hero
Being exposed to radiation is not a particularly good way to
gain superpowers. If you won't take our word for it, just ask the
superheroes who have used this method in the past - Captain
Leukaemia, The Meltdown Man, Mr. Low Sperm count, Ms. Low Sperm
Count, The Inside-Out Man, The Incredible Cancer Victim or The
Portentous Blotch.
Deciding on a Superhero name :
- Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Mr Fred
Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
- Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr
Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
- Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess,
e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible,
Justiceman.
- But don't labour the point, e.g. Mr.
So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
- Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So,
Fairly Incredible Man.
- Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting
image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr Asshole, Yellow
Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil, Dr. Shit-For-Brains.
- Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For
example, AC/DC man is not good name for a man with
electrical powers.
- Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you
have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead
of supervillains.
- It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your
only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you
suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition;
it's just asking for trouble.
- Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
- Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
- Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man
- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's
body.
- Don't give away any important information in your name,
e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.
- Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an
orange costume, you'll confuse people.
Good and Bad Things To Keep In
Your Crimecave
Good: Robot doubles.
Bad: Rubber women.
Good: Presidential Hotline.
Bad: Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone.
Good: Detailed map of the city.
Bad: Colour poster of New Kids On the Block.
Good: Crime library.
Bad: Stash of porn magazines.
Good: Your Crimemobile on a turntable.
Bad: Skateboard and ramp.
Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center.
Bad: Tin of Band-Aids.
Good: Spare costumes.
Bad: Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women.
Good: Computerised intruder detection system linked to multiplex
alarm.
Bad: Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to a small bell.
Good: Forensic analysis laboratory.
Bad: Whiskey still.
Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your arch enemy.
Bad: Jar of candy.
Good: Teleportation tube.
Bad: Bus timetable.
Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets.
Bad: Model railway.
Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding
awards.
Bad: Trophy room to display bowling awards.
Good: Computerised crime files.
Bad: Collection of Anthrax CD's.
Good: Secret emergency exit.
Bad: Cat flap.
Good: Weapon calibration tester.
Bad: Pinball machine.
Good: Gymnasium and fitness suite.
Bad: Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza and ice cream.
Good: Mainframe crime computer.
Bad: Nintendo entertainment system.
Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile.
Bad: Mini-bar stocked with beer.
Good: Self-contained power generating system.
Bad: Electricity meter and piles of loose change.
Good: Combat simulation area.
Bad: 'Trivial Pursuit' board game.
Sidekicks
Advantages of a Boy Wonder
- They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
- They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling
lazy.
- They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
- They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their
bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death
trap just in time!
- They're just about the right height for headbutting or
biting a super villain in the nuts - which makes them a
force to be feared in the criminal underworld!
- They're someone you can explain the plot to for the
benefit of particularly slow readers.
- They can give your comic a vital sales boost - simply by
getting themselves killed.
- When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted
frenzied rampage of violent revenge - and keep those
sales figures high!
Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder
- They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out
on patrol.
- They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female
supervillain.
- They pick their noses when you're with the Police
Commissioner.
- They want to wear a Walkman into combat.
- People talk...
- A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210lb criminal
sociopath with a death-ray glare.
- They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game
of 'Dungeons & Dragons' with them.
- They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the
Crimemobile.
- They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so
the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty
t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubblegum,
catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars,
half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of
contraceptives bought in a moment of supreme bravado and
overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases,
porn mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.
- They don't wash, so they smell.
- They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
- They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting
into tears and running off - simply by pointing and
shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody, there's a
virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
- They'll quite happily play football in the midst of $20
million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment.
- They get carsick in the Crimemobile.
- In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle
Plan 18, chum!" - because chances are they can't
count up that high.
- They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or
'Super-Dude'.
- They get zits and look real unsightly.
- They think your bald spot is hilarious.
- They talk crap.
- They make you feel very old.
Advantages of a Girl Wonder
- They look much better than a Boy Wonder.
- People don't automatically assume that you're, you know,
that way...
- Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than
boys of the same age.
- People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of
such a hot babe.
- Supervillains get dead jealous of you.
- You might get lucky.
Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder
- They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.
- One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two
weeks.
- They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes
to wear.
- They won't fight crime if some boy band is on MTV.
- They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a
phonecall.
- Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you.
- They kill people when they're premenstrual.
- They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to
Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice,
Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz Twins--and
Jim.
- If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's
in curlers - forget it!
- They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.
- Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be
strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face,
or hitting him with a shoe.
- They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's
like so totally dark and mysterious and mean and moody -
but that's only 'cause someone must've really hurt him
bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc."
- They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to
notice their new hair style.
- They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting
at each other during battle.
Good Things to Put Down Your
Tights Before Battle
- Titanium steel plating.
- Electronic groinal defence shield.
- Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains).
- Acid-resistant gonad shroud.
- Asbestos fire-blanket.
- Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator.
- Love Blob auto-security screen.
- Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit.
- Bulletproof penile shaft armour.
- Your Girl Wonder's hands.
- Your Girl Wonder's head.
- All of the above, simultaneously.
Bad Things to Put Down Your
Tights Before Battle
- Glass jockstrap.
- Epileptic lobsters.
- Bear trap with a dodgy spring.
- Napalm.
- 5lbs of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates
supervillains).
- 4 gallons of quick-drying cement.
- Your barbed-wire collection.
- Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot.
- Strawberry jam.
- Genital-seeking missile.
- Your Boy Wonder's hands.
- Your Boy Wonder's head.
- A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor
blades.
Supervillains You Want to Tackle
- �
- Sandwich Maker.
- Baron Scaredy-Cat.
- The Crochet Master.
- Mr. White Knuckles.
- Nosebleed Boy.
- Dr. Scared Shitless.
- Bondage Damsel.
- Sissy Man.
- Fellatio Lass.
Supervillains to Avoid
- Emitorr - the Nuclear Radiation Man.
- Thargorr the Planet Crusher.
- Dr. Slaughterhouse.
- Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme.
- Dr. Disemboweller.
- The Slasher From Beyond the Stars.
- Krisparr the Incinerator.
- Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer.
- Fellatio Lad.
- Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You.