The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C
You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator
arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation,
the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the
room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
APL
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to undestand what the heck happened.
C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since
you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Ada
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up on front of
a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
MODULA-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Pascal
Same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong type and won't pass
through the barrel. The gun explodes.
sh,csh,etc
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
switch to C.
Smalltalk
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing
ability.
ALGOL
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic
in the emergency room.
COBOL
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN
to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I
You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets. The Data Processing $ Payroll Department doubles its size,
triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
original one on your foot.
SNOBOL
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
SCHEME
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the
other appendages are aware of this happening.
English
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
MICROSOFT C++ w/ WINDOWS SDK
You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in a
dialogue box, only to have a UAE pop up when you click on OK. This
shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a screensaver.
You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill Gates in the foot.
LOGO
You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot
the turtle.
HOME ||
SIGN GBOOK || VIEW GBOOK ||
HUMOR
LINK HERE ||
AWARDS ||
APPLY FOR AWARD || LINKS
WISDOM ||
CHAIN OF COMMAND ||
QUOTES ||
PHOTOS