The Warning Signs Of Insanity

  • Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
  • Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
  • You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog ... around the bathroom.
  • You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
  • Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
  • You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
  • You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
  • Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
  • People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
  • Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
  • You laugh out loud during funerals.
  • When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
  • Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
  • You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
  • You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
  • Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
  • You collect dead window sill flies.
  • Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
  • You like cats. Especially with mayo.
  • You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
  • You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
  • You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
  • You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
  • Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
  • You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
  • You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
  • Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
  • Melba toast excites you.
  • When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
  • You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
  • Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
  • You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
  • Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
  • Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
  • You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
  • You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
  • You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
  • You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
  • People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
  • You like reading lists like this.

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