Blow Away Tornado Myths

April traditionally is a time for showers, although that is not always the exact case. Soemtimes studies get so intense that we forget to bathe or wash clothes entirely, often for several weeks, until piles of reeking laundry are physically able not only to walk in and attend out philosophy classes, but also to participate in the discussions.

No, wait. What I mean is, sometimes, as April weather goes, we get MORE than just a shower. Specifically, I'm refering to the severe thunderstorm, and more specifically, the tornado, a weather phenomenon whic rears it's head every spring to wreak devistation and/or co-star in major motion pictures opposite Helen Hunt.

Observers have long been fascinated by these wonders of nature.

"That was damn fascinatin'," is one common analysis, "how that there wonder o' nature took mah chicken coop an' smashed 'er 'gainst mah barn."

Unfortunately, with fascination comes misunderstanding, resulting in many modern-day myths concerning twisters. For instance. in any given supermarket, you're more likely to hear uneducated remarks such as, "The marriage between Nicloe Kidman and a tornado is a complete sham to hide the tornado's raging homosexuality." Which is genuine malarkey.

But you see how falsehoods get started. In order to be on our toes when foul weather strikes, we must dispel our tornado misconseptions now. Let's try it.

MYTH: Tornadoes are cause by magic.

Not true. Tornados are cause by fronts coming together. It's nature's classic love story, really. Cold Front, a bespectacled, young librarian from Saskatoon, decides to drive down from Canada for a quiet, sight-seeing jaunt through the Midwestern states, maybe a little jazz in Chicago, not realizing that at the same time, Warm Front, played by Clint Eastwood, is heading north on business from the Gulf of Mexico. Somewhere over Eastern Nebraska, Warm Front kneels to tie his shoe (assuming fronts wear shoes), when suddenly, THERE SHE IS: Nicole Kidman.

No, no. It's COLD FRONT. What a fox! Warm Front has got to have this curaceous mama. But he knows he must be very smooth about it or else risk blowing his chances in an unstable atmosphere. So, he follows Cold Front into a pub, bellies up behind her and says: "Baby, you and me ... we could rip the roof off and elementary school."

And Cold Front, totally turned on, removes her glasses, tosses back her long, dark hair (assuming fronts have hair) and says: "Honey, we could take the whole school. P.S. Is that a rotating wall cloud, or are you just happy to see me?"

Then the fronts "roll around" for several hundred miles, destroying small towns, launching tractors, killing Cary Elwes, etc., until they finally part ways somewhere in central Ohio, promising to write often. That's how we get tornadoes.

Lightening, on the other hand, is caused by magic.

MYTH: Tornadoes are pretty much confined to one area.

Again, not true. You are thinking of Charles Manson. Tornadoes form all over America, and - ACTUAL FACT - have been reported in all 50 states, and during all months of the year. Of course, there are very clear-cut preference zones. If you really get down and ask a tornado, person to funnel, you'll find the best action on the map is in "Tornado Alley," a wide stretch of red ink running from Wisconsin down into Oklahoma and Texas. Also, during the spring and early summer months, tornadoes hang out most often in Southern states on account of there are more Waffle Houses.

Many of you have correctly noted that our own particular geographic area falls within a tornado hotbed. This explains all the strategically -placed sirens on street corners and atop public buildings, which brings us to our next tornado-related clarification.

MYTH: When the warning signs blow, the first thing you should do is locate all loved ones, pets, term paper research, etc., and stand on the front porch gawking at the sky.

Way off the mark. The first thing you should do is check your watch and calendar, which will remind you that you are a paranoid biscuithead and this is just the monthly test. The second thing you should do is frown uncomfortably, because honestly, who are you kidding? You haven't even started your term paper research.

But let's say the warning sirens go off during non-testing hours. Then what? As if I even have to tell you: You will track down a laundry basket, in which you will sit, in the basement, holding your favorite pillow and waiting for your roommate to come with the flashlight and blankets. Not that I have any personal experience in that area.

Assuming you are, in fact, in a basement, you should further increase your chances of survival by locating the safest oeverhead shelter. Experts recommend you get under a sturdy work bench. Tornadoes almost NEVER think to look under the work bench. They do, however, check thoroughly around the washing machine, so if I were you, I'd think about sliding your basket out of there A.S.A.P.

MYTH: The best place to be during a tornado is in a car.

Heavens, no! Cars are only effective against lightning, as rubber tires are known repellers of magic. Tornadoes couldn't give a lick what your tires are made of, because this likely will not be the part of the car they will drop you on from 50 feet in the air as you try to speed away. Word of warning: Never, ever, EVER attempt to outrun a tornado, because you cannot win. (They are also superior at shotput.)

MYTH: Tornadoes should be feared.

Not necessarily. They should, however, be respected, which, after seeing "True Crime," is more than I can say for Clint Eastwood.

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