Although I'm sure many of you would like to seriously concentrate on your studies, you know you can't. There will be no buckling down until you ask the question that's been nagging you all week, namely: "Brad, what is the current state of professional wrestling?"
As a fan of many years, I can say that it is not good. Oh, I mean, sure, it is currently good for me, because I am a mature adult who can handle two hours of staged wrestling programming every Monday night. But certain critics of this century-old business (not to give away their specific identites, but these would be most of the mainstream news media) lately are putting up a big stink, claiming wrestling is no longer appropriate for children.
Let's look at the current trends in wrestling's two main companies - that is, World Championship Wrestling (WCW) and it's better booked, albeit raunchier competitor, the World Wrestling Federation (WWF). For one thing, there is a lot more violence on these companies' shows nowadays, blotting out the traditional, wholesome dumping of athletes on their heads that has drawn families to the arenas for decades. In the late 1990s, performers are using pre-cut wooden tables to cushion their falls, which means - if you haven't put two and two together - kids are going to be encouraged to rush right out and start pre-cutting their own tables any day now. The next time the family sits down for a heavy Sunday meal - SMASH! - there could be spinach casserole and broken plates all over the place. We are talking widespread devastation. And all because of wrestling.
Additionally, you may have noticed a new, sexual side of the business that has swarms of parents and educators up in arms. One glimpse of the weekly programs will reveal more innuendo and half-naked women that an impressionable child could shake a stick at. This is totally unsafe. Shaking a stick too close to some of these half-naked women could lead to the puncturing of one or more of their multiple breast ugmentations, in which case the shaker, regardless of age, would be viciously mauled by testosterone-crazed dudes with names like Crazy Roy with poor ACT scores and lousy dental work who derive ungodly pleasure from tuning in to see hot babes on TV each week. Kids, in my opinion, are not ready for these reprecusions.
Nor are they ready to repeat wrestling's vulgar language. Elementary schoold officials in Winnipeg, Canada, recently punished a number of students for mimicking a gang of WWF wrestlers and advising their teachers to "Suck It." Ask yourself; Did those teachers really deserve such disrespect? Probably. Teachers are always overstepping their bounds by asking pupils to do long division or come in form recess. But the school officials have a point: kids shouldn't be sprouting such garbage.
"We never complained when they were just dumping each other on their heads," they'll point out.
From a business standpoint, wresltings's adult-oriented content has helped the companies dominate the ratings, taking as many as eight of the Top-10 slots in cable television each week. But the press (seizing upon the principle that is something is popular, it should be undermined immediately, unless it has something to do with Celine Dion, in which case it should be touted as the greatest thing since the polio vaccine) has determined to lay the smackdown.
I refer to the Feb. 26 edition of USA Today, the latest in a string of publications to headlock the industry. In teh cover story, a study by Indiana University and "Inside Edition" found that out of 52 weekly installments of WWF programming, there were 1,658 instances of pointing to the crotch, 157 uses of teh middle finger, and 128 examples of simulated sexual activity, among a number of other "questionable acts" I do not remember watching, even though I am sure I taped most of those episodes. Personally, I wonder if maybe the Indiana team did not just commit these acts themselves while drinking large quantities of Old Style and discharging live ammunition at empty cans while watching wrestling.
But you get the point: It's no wonder the shows have become such a bad influence. The media says their IMPURE! There are no true good guys or bad guys anymore - just a bunch of chair-swinging, booty crazed "Tweeners" with names like "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn and (hee hee) "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry. Remember Mark Henry? The weightlifter? He represented our country in the Summer Olympics in Atlanta three years ago. Now he's got Barry White entrance music! Poor children!
Yessir, as much as many adults presonally enjoy the harder edge the wrestling companies have put forth during the past year, it definitely is time to assign some blame regarding what our children watch on TV.
Let's start with the parents.
Ha ha! I'm only kidding! What a riot! It's certainly not the parents fault their 7-year-olds are permitted to stay up past 10 P.M. to watch grown men exchange such witty conversational dialogue as, "I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry!" Hoo hoo! Are kidding? This is completly beyond Mom and Dad's control! Attempting to monitor that situation might entail using up free celular minutes to call the nanny from the airport and ask her to unplug to 26-inch TV in the kids' bedroom! Can you imagine!
No no! The Winnipeg teachers and other "experts" are right on the money: Child corruption is solely the fault of big-time wrestling companies who have the gall to tailor their product to society's ever-sinking standards so channel surfers don've move on to something more tame and G-rated, like "Melrose Place." Frankly, it would serve wrestling promoters right is a major scandal gutted the industry thanks to sensational media scrutiny and parents with a convient scapegoat.
I can see the headlines now: "Third grader suspended for calling principal 'Roody-poo candy ass'; parents sue WWF for 500 million."
And if you don't think that doesn't send a mixed message, I got two words for ya...
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