1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest
anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the
floor and lie on the
bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate
walks in. If he/she
asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing
about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your
roommate's head while he/she
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snicker at your
roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell,
"Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes.
Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, "Shouldn't you be
going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not
around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When he/she does,
walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were
here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You
son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some
ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and
explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it
again. Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take
them off as soon as
you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that
they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having
terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the
yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate
inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything
more, or you'll have
to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty
advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes,
and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every
morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own
and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and
explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh,
my God! Where the hell
am I?!" and run around the room for a few
minutes. Then go back to
bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know
what he/she is talking
about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it
bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's
spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every
day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to
it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell,
"I can't live in the
same room with you," storm out of the room and
slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss
the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the
handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the
room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a
cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night.
While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out.
When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!" Keep this up
for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately
take off all of your clothes, and ignore your
roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from
around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask
about your roommate
in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her?
He/she won't be here
much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight,
hit him/her on the
head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed,
muttering,
"Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed.
Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one
side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the
other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a
priest come to your
room and visit you.
Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day,
miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate
write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she
coughs, excitedly say,
"Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards,
bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate,
"Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days.
Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's
around here
somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important
message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't
remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I
remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with
other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your
roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to
trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long,
painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes
to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold
your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to
be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day,
bring in a pig. If
your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your
roommate that he/she
hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating
lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on
the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of
it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly
that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it
anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window
for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is
gone, go outside and
lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for
your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the
window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and
give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's
potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your
roommate's potato and eat
it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped
cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later
on, complain that
you feel sick. Continue this process for several
weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it
for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out
there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the
room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room
entirely, opening the
door only a crack and whispering to your
roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your
roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken
window as you normally
would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden,
act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card
that says, "I'm sorry.
It won't happen again." When you see them, start
ripping up the
flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start
doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until you are
calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your
roommate protests, say, "I'm
sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while
you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask
your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at
the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one
point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed.
Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you
are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After
you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in,
immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and
loudly yell, "Okay,
guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your
roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "What the
hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours,
saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this
game goes a lot faster
with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a
sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse
to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your
roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret
word often. If your
roommate can't guess the secret word, make
him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put
party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in,
turn off the music, take
off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals,
and say, "Well, it
was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like
a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like
a monkey and claim
that the tire swing was your roommate's idea.
When you and your roommate are alone
again, continue
acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room
except for one toaster.
Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts.
Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window.
Say that the toaster made you
do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a
duel. If he refuses,
claim that you have won by forfeit and
therefore conquered his side of the
room. Insist that he
remove all of his
possessionsimmediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for
various activities. (Campus
tour guide, blood donor, organ
donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian.
If your roommate
inquires, claim that you are getting in touch
with your Native-American roots. If
your roommate accuses
you of not having any
Native-American roots, claim that
he/she has offended
your people and put a curse on your
roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong
feet, all the time.
Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head
with a brick. Claim
that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your
roommate's. If
he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you
traded it for some magic beans. Give
some beans to your
roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light
switch, smash the
light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb
in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of light
bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a
nail into a wall for a
while, and then stopping. Play the
tape in your room. Right before the
hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and
say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate
it's a magic lamp,
with a genie inside it. Spend a week
thinking about what to wish for. At
the end of the week,
report that someone has released the
genie from the lamp. Blame your
roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes
his/her teeth, watch
him/her do so. Take notes. Write a
paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have
a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you
think look like famous
people. Find one that looks like your
roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
had to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and
excitedly. ("Frank
Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy
cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day.
One day, walk in
looking depressed. If your roommate
asks what's wrong, explain that your
shadow can't box
with you anymore due to an injury.
Ask your roommate if you can box
with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room,
look at your roommate in
disgust and yell, "Oh, you're
here!" Walk away yelling and
cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the
building, reporting that
your roommate is missing. Offer a reward
for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on
it and give it a
name. Ask your roommate if the
watermelon can sleep in his/her bed.
If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the
window. Make it look like a suicide.
Say nasty things
about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the
floor. When your roommate
comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's
not what you think." If he/she asks
about it again,
immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every
morning. When you finish
it, gnaw on the mug for about ten
minutes. Then, look at your
roommate, immediately put the
mug away, and quickly leave the
room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like
they do in cartoons.
Every day, hit your head as you attempt
to crawl through it. Hold your head
and grumble, "Damn
road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's
bed that say things
like, "I know what you did," and
"Don't think you can fool me." Sign
them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your
roommate as first prize.
If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's
all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your
roommate. Get them out
whenever you'd like to have a
conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the
time. Threaten to make
your roommate walk the plank if he/she
doesn't swab the deck.
Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an
organized formation.
When your roommate walks in,
pretend to be in the middle of
delivering a speech to the
plants. Whisper to them, "We'll
continue this later," while eyeing
your roommate
suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed
and look across the
room at your roommate through the
telescope. When you're not using the
telescope, act like
your roommate is too far away for
you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox.
When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms
every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't
know what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a
month. Then act
excited every time your roommate goes
to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time
your roommate walks in,
say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I
take your... Oh, it's just you."
Take off the hat, sit,
and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's
textbooks with a red pen,
changing things and making
random corrections. If your roommate
protests, tell
him/her that you just couldn't take it
anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock
on the door, and wait
for your roommate to let you back
in. If he/she asks about it, go on a
tangent about the
importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door.
Make up stories
about having had good luck. Then,
take the horseshoe down and wrap
your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate,
look above the door where the
horseshoe used to be, hold
your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain
to your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern has been staring
at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the
jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring
at it. Confide in your roommate that
you really don't
like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns
the light off at
night, begin singing famous operas as
loud as you can. When your roommate
turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be
confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the
wall. Challenge your
refrigerator to basketball games, and
play them in front of your roommate.
Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that
you think the refrigerator has been
taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk
obnoxiously for hours
about how much you love lemonade.
Then, one day, paint your face
yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate
lemonade.
90. Late at night, start
conversations that begin with,
"Remember the good old days, when we
used to..." and make up stories
involving you and your
roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes,
go and hide in the
closet for about and hour. Look
around nervously for the rest of the
day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate
for hours. Bring
others in to join you. Eat peanuts,
throwing a few at your roommate.
Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to
be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe
hurts, and that
means there's going to be an earthquake,
soon. While your roommate is out,
trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she
returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one
side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day.
One day, put a
band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to
discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play
cards with it.
Complain to your roommate that the lobster is
making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but
don't eat them. Draw
faces on them, and toss them in
the closet. Watch them for several
hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your
"pancake farm" isn't evolving into a
self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that
you think the king of the pancakes
has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend
to burn yourself.
Start a garbage can fire in the middle of
the room. Toss the iron inside. If
your roommate objects,
explain that you are just trying to get
even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers
on their backs. Race
them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal
crackers. Put them through
basic training. Set up little
checkpoints around the room. Tell
your roommate that the
camel spotted him/her in a
restricted area and said not to do
it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at
night. Tell your
roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take
a bite out of one of the cookies
while your roommate is
asleep. The next morning, accuse your
roommate of having bitten one of the
cookies. If he/she
tries to tell you the Sandman did it,
insist that you know what the
Sandman's teeth marks look
like and that those are, in fact, not
the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble
angrily and storm out
of the room.
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