Jokes:
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car
together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize
they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the
Wizard of OZ.
Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to
earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters
the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the
crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins
to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in
the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion
furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a
raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time,
the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary
keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious
lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself
and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round
and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry
lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
This man with a 25" pecker was getting tired of never having sex
because his meat prick frightened everyone off. So he visited his family
doctor to see about reducing his dick size. The Doctor claimed "the best
cure he's ever seen for this problem was to go to the wicked witch's
castle and ask her to marry you. Every time she answers "NO", your
penis will shrink 5 inches!" The guy thought that was an easy fixes so off
he went to the castle. After she answered the door he proposed to her
"Will you marry me?" The witch exclaimed "NO!" The guy pulled out his
penis and it only measured 20 inches!! This is good he thought!
"Will you marry me?" the witch looking a little disgusted answers,
"NO!!!!" The man measured his cock -- 15 inches!! I'm gonna get one more
time. "Will you marry me, Witch?" The witch, at wits end, looks at him
as she stomps her feet.......
"NO, NO, NO!!!!"
A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a
hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the
pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about
8:30 at night. They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time
to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get
dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary
complies. When the man gets home about 9:30pm, his wife confronts him and
asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent
the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came
right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says,
"You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the seashore
when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The
horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged
the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, another wave reared up and
deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she
stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped in dignantly,
"he had a hat!"
This heavyset guy tries every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight. He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight
Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading
the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and
we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around
her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and
wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying
himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds,
right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end
asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"-- to which the
somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit
card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the
morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only
in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the
man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was
through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh
yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20
pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he
called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How
much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to
lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit
card number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on
some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door,
he sees this huge, ugly gorilla with a sign around his neck saying:
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
Poems, friendship, and more:
My favorite songs!
The Rose
Artist: Bette Midler
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember, in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes
The Rose
The Glory of Love
Artist: Bette Midler
Album: Beaches soundtrack
You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.
You've got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love
TINA TURNER
Grammy Award 1985
"What's Love Got To Do With It" - Record of the year
"What's Love Got To Do With It" - Best female pop singer
"Better Be Good To Me" - Best female rock singer
WHAT`S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND
THAT THE TOUCH OF YOUR HAND
MAKES MY PULSE REACT
THAT IT`S ONLY THAT THRILL
OF BOY MEETING GIRL
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
IT`S PHYSICAL
ONLY LOGICAL
YOU MUST TRY TO IGNORE
THAT IT MEANS MORE THAN THAT
(CHORUS)
OH WHATS LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
WHAT`S LOVE BUT A SECOND HAND EMOTION
WHAT`S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
WHO NEEDS A HEART
WHEN A HEART CAN BE BROKEN
IT MAY SEEM TO YOU
THAT I`M ACTING CONFUSED
WHEN YOU`RE CLOSE TO ME
IF I TEND TO LOOK DAZED
I`VE READ IT SOMEPLACE
I`VE GOT CAUSE TO BE
THERE`S A NAME FOR IT
THERE`S A PHRASE FOR IT
BUT WHATEVER THE REASON
YOU DO IT FOR ME
(CHORUS)
I`VE BEEN THINKING OF A NEW DIRECTION
BUT I HAVE TO SAY
I`VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY OWN PROTECTION
IT SCARES ME TO FEEL THAT WAY
WHAT`S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
WHAT`S LOVE BUT A SWEET OLD FASHIONED NOTION
WHAT`S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
WHO NEEDS A HEART WHEN A HEART CAN BE BROKEN
A Mom's Life
By Delia Ephron
Take your plate into the kitchen, please.
Take it downstairs when you go.
Don't leave it there, take it upstairs.
Is that yours?
Don't hit your brother.
I'm talking to you.
Just a minute, please, can't you see I'm talking?
I said, Don't interrupt.
Did you brush your teeth?
What are you doing out of bed?
Go back to bed.
You can't watch in the afternoon.
What do you mean, there's nothing to do?
Go outside.
Read a book.
Turn it down.
Get off the phone.
Tell your friend you'll call her back. Right now!
Hello. No, she's not home.
She'll call you when she gets home.
Take a jacket. Take a sweater.
Take one anyway.
Someone left the shoes in front of the TV.
Get the toys out of the hall. Get the toys out of the bathtub.
Get the toys off the stairs.
Do you realize that could kill someone?
Hurry up.
Hurry up. Everyone's waiting.
I'll count to ten and then we're going without you.
Did you go to the bathroom?
If you don't go, you're not going.
I mean it.
Why didn't you go before you left?
Can you hold it?
What's going on back there?
Stop it.
I said, Stop it!
I don't want to hear about it.
Stop it or I'm taking you home right now.
That's it. We're going home.
Give me a kiss.
I need a hug.
Make your bed.
Clean up your room.
Set the table.
I need you to set the table!
Don't tell me it's not your turn.
Please move your chair in to the table.
Sit up.
Just try a little. You don't have to eat the whole thing.
Stop playing and eat.
Would you watch what you're doing?
Move your glass. It's too close to the edge.
Watch it!
More, what?
More, please. That's better.
Just eat one bite of salad.
You don't always get what you want. That's life.
Don't argue with me. I'm not discussing this anymore.
Go to your room.
No, ten minutes are not up.
One more minute.
How many times have I told you, don't do that.
Where did the cookies go?
Eat the old fruit before you eat the new fruit.
I'm not giving you mushrooms.
I've taken all the mushrooms out. See?
Is your homework done?
Stop yelling. If you want to ask me something, come here.
STOP YELLING. IF YOU WANT TO ASK ME SOMETHING, COME HERE.
I'll think about it.
Not now.
Ask your father.
We'll see.
Don't sit so close to the television, it's bad for your eyes.
Calm down.
Calm down and start over.
Is that the truth?
Fasten your seat belt.
Did everyone fasten their seat belts?
I'm sorry, that's the rule. I'm sorry, that's the rule.
I'm sorry, that's the rule.
