TRADOC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Forces Command : The chicken should cross at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Army Personnel Command: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Army Foreign Technology Center: This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'

FT Rucker: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency anytime they observe another chicken cross the road.

FORSCOM: The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

ARMY Materiel Command (AMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment. AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.
 

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United Had a chance to object to the impersonation!

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing, with his approach speed just a LITTLE too high.
Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well......I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

SHORT FINAL...

During a heavy traffic period, a pilot comes on Center frequency, speaking in slow Texas drawl:

"Good afternoon Houston Center, King Air 12345 checkin' in with ya'll, VFR at eighteen-five."

(long pause)

"Ah, King Air 12345, sir, you can't be VFR at eighteen-five."

(shorter pause)

"Sure we can, Center. We're flyin' a Super King Air!"
 
 

SHORT FINAL...

Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.

Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.
 
 

SHORT FINAL...

Overhead in London TMA...

ATC: N12345, descend to 3,000' on QNH 1019.

N12345: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
 
 

SHORT FINAL...

An excerpt from the Canada Flight Supplement (equivalent to the US A/FD):

LONDON, ONTARIO SERVICES....

CFR - 5 1130-0330Z, O/T 2 hrs PNR

Decoded: Crash, fire and rescue services: level 5. Available 1130Z to 0330Z; other times 2 hours prior notice required.

Let's try to keep that in mind next time we're planning to crash there.
 
 

SHORT FINAL...

From our "hey supe, can I go home now?" file...

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday:

"Lost aircraft, say position."

SHORT FINAL...

Overheard at O'Hare:

Cessna 152 pilot with obvious French accent:

"Center, I would like a vector back home".

Unidentified commuter pilot:

"Heading 090, 2000 miles".
 
 

SHORT FINAL...

Pilot: Request a flightlevel between FL210 and FL250

ATC: Roger, you can have either 230 or 250...which would you like?

Pilot: Affirmative.

ATC: Affirmative what?

Pilot: Affirmative...SIR?

A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door.
He laughs and chooses door # 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell".
 
 

A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
 
 

Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
 
 

He'll tell you.
 
 

Their personality.
 
 

A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.
 
 

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there the lines stretches from where he is standing (the back) out of view for miles. He stands in line for hours, without it moving. Hours turn into days but the line has still not moves. He gets out of line and walks to the front where he finds Saint Peter. "Saint Peter," he says "How come I have to stand in this line. I was a good man all of my life, I followed the Commandments, I went to church, how come I can't just get into Heaven?" "Sorry," says Peter "But there are so many people entering heaven these days that is takes months to check everyone out. You are just going to have to wait your turn." The man turns to head back to the end of the line when he sees a man dressed in a flight suit walking up to the gate. His boots are shined as bright as mirrors, his flight suit is pressed and impeccable, and his warrant officer's bar shines on his cap like the sun. He walks right up to the gate, throws Peter a salute, and strolls on in. "What's the deal with that guy, why does he get to skip line and walk right in?" asked the man. "Oh, that's just God. He likes to pretend he's an Army Huey pilot," says Peter.
 
 

The pig doesn't turn into a pilot after 6 beers!
 
 

One heck of a maintenance team!
 

• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here.

• An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross weight, but it won't fly without fuel.

• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.(EXCEPT in a helo)

• If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em off!

• Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

• Too many pilots are found in the wreckage with their hands around a microphone or holding onto a keyboard. Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.

• An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.

• Fly it until the last piece stops moving.

• No one has ever collided with the sky.

• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

• A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"

• Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.

• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

• Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.

• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

• Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.

• A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.

• Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

• The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.

• A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.

• A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

• Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.

• An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.

• Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

- Altitude above you.

- Runway behind you.

- Fuel in the truck.

- Half a second in history.

- Approach plates in the car.

- The airspeed you don't have.

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is about as exciting as kissing your sibling.

Three things kill young pilots in Alaska: weather, weather and weather.

Fuel is life.

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"