Have you ever seen a really handsome and successful guy with a wife that looks like Rhea Perlman (Cheers) on a bad hair day? I don't just mean looks alone, but a wife that has to take off her shoes to count to twenty. Have you ever wondered how that happens?
How about a woman who looks like she could have her choice of any man alive and who is married to a man, three inches shorter than her, ugly as a mud fence and picks his nose while shaking your hand. You ever see a match like that?
Well, there's a reason for these odd couplings and guess what! I'm gonna tell you what it is. It all has to do with switches in the brain, it's as simple as that. Once that switch gets pulled, women and men both fall in love with the first member of the opposite gender they happen to stumble across. I've seen it happen a zillion times.
I remember this one young Venus that lived in the same apartment building I once lived in. She was a school teacher and had a face and body that made strong men go weak in the knees. She spent her weekends with a series of Greek God types either snow or water skiing and yawning with boredom.
One day, she walks into the pool area where I'm soaking up sun and reading some book on "How To Seduce Wimmin" and spots this tall, emaciated lookin' geek playing with a bunch of snot nosed kids in the shallow end of the pool. I swear, you could almost see her pupils dialate. Leastways, you could if you weren't looking at her uh......other parts like I was.
Quicker than you could say "Maternal instinct", she was in the pool with this buck toothed Hillbilly and they were laughing and getting to know one another. Three weeks later, they were married and off to have kids of their own. Any fool could see what was happenin' and I tried for days to bribe a couple of these little monsters to wait with me in the pool when she was due to appear, but they always got on my nerves and I would be in the process of trying to drown one every time she showed up.
I've seen it happen to men too. There was this one guy that lived in 32-C that was a blonde, blue eyed body builder type. He was also a doctor of Philosophy, Medicine, Political Science and a whole buncha other stuff. He had babes crawling after him everywhere he went. One day, he comes down to grace our grubby little pool and sees this fat little redhead playin' choochie coo with her chubby little rugrat and .................wham! His switch gets thrown. Five minutes later, he's crawlin' around on his hands and knees playin' coochie coo too. Six weeks later, they were all three gone to live behind some white picket fence happily ever after.
There doesn't seem to be any particular time in life when these switches get thrown. It might happen at age eighteen or sixty five. It's like Cupid's been fluttering around just biding his time till a particularly gruesome member of the opposite gender comes along and, twang...........he let's go the bow string and another mismatch takes place.
I've seen it happen at parties too. Some guy that looks like a young Tom Sellick and owns a whole city block of high rise apartment buildings will be sitting in a corner with four beautiful surfer girls hunching on his legs like a buncha wind up dolls. Suddenly, he will lock eyes with some plain Jane dressed in a gunny sack with a figure like a thermometer and...............Shazaam! He's instantly in love.
It finally got to the point where I would circle around beautiful women just waiting for their pupils to dialate so's I could be the closest one there when it happened. I had to stop that after a series of little incidents that cost me three teeth, several black eyes and two trips to the county jail. Once, I almost scored when I saw this beauty across the room start to sway and could see her pupils start to dialate. I was half way there when this fat little gnome with coke bottle glasses shoved past me and got there first. Next thing I knew, she was runnin' her fingers through what little hair he had left and tellin' him how cute and cuddly he was. I barely made it to the bathroom before I threw up.
I've made some pretty big mistakes in my life, like I remember betting this big Polish guy I could stay under water longer than he could. Ten minutes later, they were still pumping water out of the both of us. My biggest mistake though, was forgetting about switches in women's brains. If I had it to do over again, there's two things I would always have at my side whenever I went poolside where the bronzed beauties were displaying their many charms.
First of all, I would work out some sort of arrangement with somebody with too many kids and would offer to babysit one for a few hours. Boy or girl, wouldn't make any difference, just one with a cute grin and one or two baby teeth missing in front. I'd take a few minutes to teach them a couple of basic lines like "Gee lady, you sure are pretty. No wonder my daddy talks about you all the time." Then, I would point them at the nearest gaggle of pulchritude and turn them loose.
Secondly, I would buy a puppy. You know the kind I mean.......one whose tail wags a hundred miles an hour and that can't wait to plant thousands of little doggy kisses all over anyone who comes close.
Armed with this kid to reel 'em in and a puppy to seal the bargain, I betcha it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. I'd just sit back and watch to see which one's pupils dialated the most and interrupt the commotion with "It's nap time. You wanna help me put Snookims down for his/her nap?" An hour after that, I would be telling my latest paramour "I don't care if your daddy DOES own a brewery, you gotta go home now, I'm too tired to do this any more."
Switches in the brain.....that's where it's at. When I look back and remember all the time I wasted going to gyms, lifting weights, flossing after every meal and always using the latest deoderants, I could almost cry. One crummy little puppy and one snaggle toothed rugrat wudda worked ten times better. I'll try to remember that in my next life.
