Addison
heavy nights
filled with marijuana smoke
and men and men and men
and...I smile
the good old days
when I was young- -
five months ago
19 years in
green sheets
and how the dye rubs off on white walls
bath tub fantasies
your wonderful wavy brown hair and how it now disgusts me
incense and no sense filled the place
the hidden parts of me
that
they all tried to figure out at one time
taking down the jesus pictures
I hear you laughing but two feet away
I guess that's just as well
I'm too dizzy to laugh after you laugh
though I'm not worried about last laughs anymore
silly highlighted books
silly people with
dicks
and stories to tell
about surviving
and guitars- -
five months
or
five years
my hair will still blow in the wind
hanging on the swingset with the neighbor
whose friend
didn't know when to stop
she was only two steps away
ready to catch my nightmares
ready to catch my flaws in the same jar
broken now
I still remember when I was young- -
five months ago
high in my little hole
crowded into the corner
I couldn't even move
back then
not forward anyway
tears were a party favor
Jaclyn was a sexual favor
privacy
in my depression
in the mud
like a fucking pig
rolling around mating
what I wouldn't give to do the laundry with her one more time
or hide in the bathroom
when I had fucked with the wrong man
not like the
guitar boy
coming like the damn surprise that he was
after I had slit the wrists of my sex
celibacy just ain't in my blood
god damn his eyes
if I still can't feel them
all over my flesh
and his friend plopped on my bag
giving me that fuckme look
the kindamen
I'm so used
( to )( by )
ashtray
up and down
on my stomach
naked body
tangled red mane
imaginary bugs crawling on the walls
all because I didn't know when to stop
when I began
where to begin
when I was young- -
five months ago
what I wouldn't give
to feel his wealthy kiss once again
and bite his lips
draw blood
and smile with red teeth
or hold his hand with his silver rings
quivering in math class with the Will of last nights resin
what I wouldn't do
for bare skin
again
no sin
no sir
crying on my bed
screaming in a pillow
cursing whatever he had put in my mind that night
yeah I heard you knocking
that last night
I felt the vibration of regret trembling through my legs
honey if only you knew how much I had that night
and how much it took to pretend I didn't know you
I couldn't move
I couldn't talk
but I can sing
and write poetry now
now. . . that you're gone
and she's no longer two steps away
what I wouldn't give to wish her goodnight one more time
or see him sitting on that bench
waiting for a shadow around the corner
of a girl he thinks he knows
and now knew
what I wouldn't do
to be young again- -
five months ago
when chicago fooled himself and me
thinking I was something he wanted
curled up into a naked ball
knowing how much life was insignificant
it was the details, the street signs
the broken birds, the chess pieces
that mattered
it's hard to breathe
sober
it's hard to cry
sober
able to see my tears
and how they fall into my lap
and disappear
never existing
what I wouldn't do to feel young again- -
five months
ago.
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