anally masochistically yours its odd how life fucks us in the ass sometimes when we're not looking not willing when we think we see and we begin to categorize when we think we know what we see and begin to assume knowing it's odd how life fucks us in the ass sometimes our hair is violently pulled we mistake it for the wind our backs are forcefully arched we think it aching face down into the realm of surreality bent over the time span of experience sometimes it hurts to feel so good other times it feels so good to be hurt.
God your brown eyes with adjectives that couldn't possibly describe what im talking of your gentle hands rough when needed i see you laughing with me for me at me i remember the plans you had and how i feared you would go through with them and you did i remember your fears and my tears and your love turned hate turned hate once again i remember hugging in the rain and god awful headaches i remember the blanket and you stroking my hair i see big houses with pools that were too good for me i remember your leers your mockery your truths your teachings i remember you being my Jesus and i your novice i remember how silly it all didnt seem then i remember pool tables and too much perfume i remember roses and books and roark, your favorite i remember that nothing is "good enough" i remember your friend's precious face and his jokes and my love for him in the most platonic sexual way possible i remember touching you whenever i wanted and three in the morning drives i remember loud sarah nights and jewels out the window i remember your temper and your frustration with me i remember precious music papers and the tattoo you regret i remember "sweetie" and infamous emails i remember you being my father and my lover and my enemy and my best friend i remember silk maroon sheets and falling pillows i remember how all girls fit into boxes and how silly you used to dance i remember thinking you were the greatest thing on the earth and thinking i was right i remember anklets, and coats, and clothes and possessions with obsessions i remember your kiss and how soon it disappeared i remember your lies and how often they appeared i remember thinking that one day i would only remember you.
IV my skin itches im trying to crawl out pushing to breathe without inhaling skin pushing to suck in what has been stuck in for years dry and brittle cracking and bleeding feeling my way to the outside from the inside out scratching all the way to the bone
Tag sometimes when I close my eyes you knock on my pupils ask if i�m home you appear out of the same color in which you disappeared you�re laughing smiling bouncing around in the corners of my head stretching my memory until it hurts you continue to knock until it becomes pounding I can not pretend you know I am here and it�s when I finally decide to come out and play to watch you dance and run with me I find only a mere shadow of you waiting for me... to close my eyes.
My Little Metaphor you are not the drifting clouds in a blood red sky with adjectives describing your beauty you certainly are not the dew drops on a blooming red rose, and other common metaphors and prose, you are not the reflections of unknown oceans and seas, or the softness of a feather, with similar similies You are not a forest, nor a garden, not the echoing stars, or the "missing link", You are however someone�s lost pen on a notebook paper with very bitter ink
Noise silence rings at times when you are alone in a place where alone is not only allowed but preferred molecules in the air have names when you stare long enough into names you see nothing but labeled personalities on folds of flesh and brittle bones silence rings at times between two people in an uncomfortable setting aside words for awhile reality holding the tongue even that quiet has a sound known as silence
I Am What Is i am a lone figure standing in the haunt of your unimaginable. i am the jolt in your nightmare. i am the boogeymaninyourclosettheytoldyounottofear. i am under the bed. i am in the sheets. i am poisoning your blood stream, and gnawing on your entrails. i am tasting the sweat off your fear, and achieving orgasms through your terror. i am.... the shadow of your soul. i am...what can not be. But is.
I(A)llusion balled up in my little sanctuary of a roller coaster i am to tell you my dreams He called them wastes of thoughts i could have too but i didnt i wouldnt and i wont i want him to own beaches i want his hands to cover my face i want him to take me violently at times and run his fingers down my back when i am weak i want him to know my body better than his i want to be controlled i want to own his entire world i want his entire world to be mine i want to be his entire world i want to jump on our bed that faces the ocean i want to envision dolphins swimming from underneath my sheets i want him to bring me dead and red roses i want him to ask me to dance bare i want him to show me things i have never imagined i want him to keep my writings on a book shelf i want him to want to sneak into my poetry i want him to watch me sleep obsessively pull up a chair and stroke my hair and entice me to fall into oblivion "eden" a utopia where my conscious thoughts blink with my eyes i want him to study every movement of my face i want a psycho i want a nutcase i want a man so powerful to society but weak to me, i want many bedrooms i want many empty closets i want cleanliness "i want to drink with the maid on sunday" i want no worries i want god wrapped up in a blue suit man "What you want is an illusion" What I want ... is an illusion.
Fourth Month I dont remember hearing the door close that night screaming in each others faces tears rolling down my worn face trying on your indifferent mask and how it disgusted me I don't remember hearing the door close that night standing on the welcome mat of your new life wiping our own dirty past never again I don't remember hearing the door close that night as last words were said and turning points were made no-- I don't remember hearing a door close that night but I know one did.
Cuz' I'm not here for love not lookin for love or those phony flower poems don't run your fingers don't blow kisses in the wind didn't come here for the color of your eyes or the lines in your face don't show me pictures don't make the bed not lookin for love or that Gap boy type don't ask to me to dance or open doors don't pay for anything don't apologize just don't think before you talk just talk before you think cuz' i'm not here for love no i'm not here for love.
Untitled#1 cold hearted demon waltzing into my life with perfected dance moves, twisting my hand sin dark locks of deceit, your fingers are the noose around my neck, the cell caging my freedom, the rape of my soul, roses turn to poison ivy, sunshine to rain, illuminating visions turn to nightmares, tranquillity to pain, sway my evil master, arms as tight as the tainted betrayal, how it seemed you were the knight in a blood stained armor no longer hearing the melody, the rhyme has grown stale, limp I am,draping over your arms, you care not, sun sprayed golden hair falling loosely past your grasp, the weight of denial will one day be too much, blood for tears, her lips are cold, wind howls, thunder drums, yet... do not mistake it for music.
Upsitty traveling downtown the places you would always take me besides the emotional hades ancient buildings carrying secrets of history and things we can not fathom i used to watch your face as you would point and talk of things you thought you knew about squeezing my hand you asked what I'm smiling at staring out the window all the time though you did not seek an answer for you knew I would never give one sometimes the silence was eerie too loud or just plain quiet sometimes deafening sometimes we acknowledged that silence would one day be no more if you would have only seen the birds my love, instead of defecating animals if you would have only seen the trees my love, and not used them for the shade they offer, then maybe i wouldn't have seen buildings in your buildings or the motive behind your love.
Red Last night I crept into her room, my head pounding from the mass of tears cried just before, and i laid in the bed, with the glowing of the red lava lamp, that some how provided protection from all that roams in no-man's land, i watched her sleep, toss and turn at first, and then slight eye flutters as she faintly slipped back into her world, world of innocence, i looked to the ceiling to offer support but found only glow in the dark stars, almost the same stars i had when i was her age, but hers were bigger, more pronounced, how i wanted to jump in her flesh, how i wanted to slip into that seven year old body, and peacefully exist without the knowledge big people have, hearing the clock tick tock tick tock, tossing and turning, and then slight eye flutters as i faintly slip into a world where red glowing lava lamps are far from protection.
why all poems start with gray chilling skies threw my keys on the kitchen table, let down my hair rubbed my weary eyes about to call your name but i see you on the couch, flick the tv off, you're balled into one of those womb balls, i smile-because i know Tired wouldnt let you wait up for me tonight, i crawl to you, and join the soft breathing sounds placing my fingertips on your cheek, i touch your lips your forehead your eyes and your dreams, your eyes flutter, i kiss the lashes, staring into those pale eyelids i wonder if you can see me, i watch every facial movement, stoic and catatonic, i can only wonder where imagination has taken you tonight, i stareandistareandistareand i stare, by now, i have memorized every line, every feature, every day, painting on a flesh canvas, my bristlesless paintbrush of fingers trace the outline of your innocent beauty, laying my head on my arm, i stareandistareandistareand i stare, and you rub your weary eyes, about to call my name but you see me on the couch, you smile-because you know...Tired wouldn't let her wait up for you last night...
(re)Morsel guilt of what i could have done should have done to keep you breathing to keep you sane in here with me in my arms innocent and free i taught you not to beg but to plead in the cool air here with me guilt of what i no longer can do able to do to keep you breathing to keep you playing in the cool air in the arms of innocence and me
First Kiss it all seems to start with a touch the pain--the animosity--bitter sadness- but joy... two fingers on my left breast, a tongue on my right nipple, anger, betrayal, lies and abuse- palms on the nape of my neck, lips tenderly gracing my forehead, brainwashing, hatred translucent tears, all in a touch, face between my legs, fingertips on my thighs, potent wrath, sickening regrets, miscellaneous moments, slow rotating hips, soft breathing in a quiet night, violent screaming, infidelity, blinding battles, --and we just don�t seem to feel it-- in the first kiss.
Deposit i sat on the river bank my toes wiggling in your honesty you laugh and i look up to you to see if the laugh was born from a frown like the trolls beneath the bridges i lived under but it is not a frown nor a smile just a Knowing that i have grown not to know but learned over time you stick your hook in me with pointers guiding the way i in-jest, digest, rip out so we can go fishing in the water resting on the river bank where my toes are wiggling in your loyalty and my hands slowly run their flesh coverings over the waves where particles have names and fish have patience you sob and i look up to you to see if the tears are born from a frown like the dead bird on strings for my kite when i was younger but it is not a frown nor smile but an Understanding that I have risen not to know but Gained over time you trap my head in this butterfly net i writhe, i groan, i fight a useless fight, I rip it off so we can catch swans who float on saltwater currents on the river bank where my toes are wiggling in you.
Per-Verse your lips made of lies, those eyebrows i used to run my fingertips over just hairy bushes of betrayal, dirty hands with mechanic like oil covering each crevice and line ignoring the feeling when you shove them inside my insides its easy to force down the vomit when you're holding my mouth close to death and his elves between your legs was my o(w)nly sanctuary my only time to put you in your place for even when you fought me and tore me to pieces and to the bone i always did seem to make you come (back).
Curse Her the blinking cursor reminding me of the words I have yet to say and the words you tried to mean in you come prancing on your trembling broken mule like the knight in blood stained armor not2be i smile because the ass mocks you you mock you i thought time would guide you into the depths of something deeper "that's what you get for thinking." through my eyes your flesh is bruised from the inside out as much as I want to fight kick and scream that I hate you I can only smile hold my breath as i walk away not turning back to see what has replaced the blinking cursor