News Bulletin

NEWS BULLETIN:

Men And Women Are NOT Alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours

� � � � of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He refers to it as "that time when me and Susie were doing it on a semi- regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his 'fridge are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10- items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup....

Cats:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: (1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap in his front teeth and always has a bad haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip" about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

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