NOTE: Award applicants are advised to shamelessly curry favor from their faculty advisors, department staff and Awards Office personnel in order to improve their chances of receiving an award. If a relative is planning to donate money to our building fund, this should be noted in the "Brown Nose Comments" section of the application.

THE FELONIUS CORPORATION FELLOWSHIPS: awarded annually to students entering U.com from institutions far, far away: places where they dole out "A's" like buttertarts at a faculty tea. Successful candidates will be required to be completely incomprehensible to most of the student body and a simple majority of faculty. Preference will be given to applicants of indeterminate gender.

THE U.COM ALUMNI ASSOCIATION SCHOLARSHIP: as above, except that candidates must undergo a means test to determine the insignificance of the award in comparison to their other sources of income and/or support.

THE EDDY SHORE MEMORIAL BURSARY: awarded to a member of a varsity sports team with expertise in handing out towels in a busy locker room environment. The successful candidate must be willing to commit at least 10 hours per semester to this important work. An additional stipend for study materials and a late-model sports car is included with the basic award.

THE CONRAD VESPA PRIZE: open to applicants from all faculties. The selected applicant will receive a coupon for six free muffins at the U.com cafeteria (coffee extra) and a leather-bound copy Mr. Vespa's latest book, REFLECTIONS ON A DEAD TREE ROOT.