My Auto-Biography (or not)

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CHAPTER 1: Childhood

Born the illegitimate son of a travelling troupe of illegal Serbian vaudevillians, I rapidly rose in the ranks of the local late-Ming hierarchy, evntually attaining the rank of Regional Mandarin, 2nd Class, thus allowing me to possess a set of 5 copper or brass cooking vessels.  This was quite an honor for me and my family, as lesser-ranking folks could only have three at most.

By the time I was 4 years old, I was an accomplished Pseudo-Xylophonist, having played with 6 of the 7 best orchestras in all of eastern Peru.  At age 8, I travelled with a pack of semi-nomadic wombat herders, where I was awarded the esteemed "Silver Wombat" award for bravery while faced with assailants armed with any sort of frozen produce.

After a 3 year stint as a Tank commander in the Royal Namibian Air Force, I retired with the rank of Lt. Major, 3rd Class.  By this time I had reached my 10th birthday, and was thus elegible to begin reading for my Doctorate in Bible Repair, a subject which has always been near to my heart, not to mention my abdomen.

In all, I would say that I had quite a dull ordinary childhood.

CHAPTER 2: My Teen Years

Beginning at age 13 I sank into a deep and terrible, yet humorous and completely voluntary coma, thereby setting the new world's record for voluntary comas (1 year, 20 months and 659 days).  I would tell you more about this particular time, but, not surprisingly, I have forgotten most of it.  I think France was involved.  Also, I seem to remember a lot of Beet Juice was involved.  Not sure really.

On my 17th birthday, I threw away a lucrative career in the fine art of Clam Juggling (a skill which I had picked up while in my coma), to follow my lifelong dream of becomming a bunny rabbit.  I feel that it is inappropriate to attempt to explain this any further at this point, except to say that a curious person could easily read all about the sordid tale in last week's issue of the Hyderabad, Texas Times-Dispatch (Italian edition).

CHAPTER 3: The 1990s

It was on or about the night of June 6th, 1990 when I first realized the purpose of my life.  Sadly however, I promptly forgot what it was and, as I had not yet written it down, it was lost to time forever.  This turned out not to be such a bad thing.

As it turns out, about a week later I was shopping at the world-famous Redwood Flea Market in scenic, historic Wallingford, Connecticut, when I came across the Orb of Power.  It was surprisingly inexpensive actually.  To be honest it was a bargain since I got it at wholesale pricing as part of a three orb set, along with the Orb of Smelly Moldy Cheese and the Orb of Postage Stamps.  While I still have yet to come up with a suitable way to utilize the Orb of Power, I have found the other two orbs to be far more useful than I had originally imagined.

And with that all said, I have re-told my life up to this point.  What more will come, I cannot say.  The rest is illusion and guesses..........

-Ben T.