When Marriage Ends
A free monthly e-publication of WWW.Divorcedoc.com
Editor David John Berndt, Ph.D.
[email protected]Volume 1, issue 1 June, 1999
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Positive Coping Strategies for Surviving Divorce |
Table of contents
:Letter from Editor-
WelcomeFeature Article:
Tips for ParentingEvent Calendar:
Mynd talk radio showResource File:
Five Divorce Web Sites to Check OutComing Attractions
Letter From the Editor
Thanks for being a charter subscriber to WHEN MARRIAGE ENDS. This is the first issue and I look forward to bringing you plenty of information in the upcoming monthly newsletters. If you run across divorce-related events, web sites, information, and so forth that you think would be useful to our readers, please Email them to the editor above with Att: Editor in the subject heading. I plan, before the summer is out to have guest articles and interviews with experts in divorce.
It seems relevant to address my own background at some point. I am a 48-year-old clinical psychologist. I have been the editor of the Affective Disorders Network Bulletin
and served on the editorial boards of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, the Journal of Psychotherapy, the Journal of Personality Assessment, Professional Psychology: Theory, Research and Practice, and as an ad hoc editor on many related psychiatric and psychological journals.
My academic appointment at the University of Chicago, was as an Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry. Following that, I worked for 7 years with the Cherokee Indians, and most recently, I have moved to Washington D.C., where I will be working at the District Commission on Mental Health. My private practice offices are in Bethesda, Md., and Alexandria, VA. As a psychologist, I do child custody evaluations as well as individual and family therapy. In addition to psychotherapy, I also do some coaching, including virtual groups (teleconference groups and workshops) on Divorce and other topics.
I, myself, have been twice divorced. As Margaret Mead used to say, "All my marriages were happy ones." I was fortunate to have two relatively painless divorces. I know however from my clinical work how painful and overwhelming divorce can be, it is often the biggest transition that we have to make. It can be a bit daunting. The grief and depression the whole family can feel When Marriage Ends is substantial. The information provided in WHEN MARRIAGE ENDS is designed to help others to navigate those waters with information, tips, and ideas that may be useful. We do accept some suitable articles submitted by our readers, as well as letters to the editor.
Feature Article:
Dealing With Divorce:
7 Tips to Protect Your Kids
By David John Berndt, Ph.D.
When a family finds itself in the middle of a separation or divorce, one of the first worries is
Awhat about the children?@ Research has shown that while divorce can be hard on children, its often the fighting of the parents that most directly effects the children, and the impact depends on how well the parents are able to isolate the children from these disruptions.Many psychologists and other therapists have tips and suggestions on how best to help your children at times like these. One organization that provides a very good pamphlet and other information is the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts at 608-651-4001. A good web site that also has information on custody and divorce issues, can be found at
www.Divorcedoc.com .Parenting is a lifelong job, and remember, you do not divorce your children. The following ideas are 7 tips to keep in mind to help buffer your children from the real and imagined problems they face during parental separation and or divorce:
First and foremost, try to maintain consistency. Children going through separation and divorce need a lot of stability to anchor them during the stressful times of the early stages. Change as little as possible, especially at first. Do not alter the way you discipline and reward your child. Keep the routines the same (bedtimes, meals). Children feel safest when things are familiar.
Another important point is that tough times are the best times to be more affectionate. A few extra hugs are just what the doctor ordered for times like these. Be careful, of course, not to overdo this, but a little more affection can make a big difference to children who are feeling scared or lonely.
It is nevertheless, equally important to avoid letting your children take care of you, no matter how much you need the hugs too. Many children try to act like adults and want to help and comfort their parents, who they can see are in more distress than usual. That is not their job. It is hard enough to be a child at times like these, so do not treat them like an adult. Do the children a favor and keep the parental and child roles distinct and separate.
Help your children to stay connected. You should support your children
=s friendships and activities. Changing schools and day care is a bad idea, if it's possible to avoid it. Often schools will make a residency exception in cases of separation, ask your psychologist or counselor to help with that. Even if you must move to a distant neighborhood and school district, make an effort to have sleep- overs and play dates with their old friends, and encourage new friendships too.Reassure your children about the basic necessities. Your children need to hear that both parents still love them and that the problems are not their fault. Parents are often surprised to learn that when the parents fight about who gets to sleep where, the children worry that they too may have to sleep in the car. Children know when parents are feeling economically stressed, and even a well to do child may well be worried that there won't be enough food or clothes. If you can honestly tell them that food shelter and clothes won't be a problem, then tell them sooner rather than later.
Of course you need to spare the children exposure to fighting. Have your disagreements well out of earshot, and remember that kids are experts at listening in. Do not make your children take sides, or act as a go between, or messenger in your disagreements. Do not quiz them about your ex-spouse (you have a telephone and you can ask your self, if you really need to know).
Finally, one of the most important things you can do for your children, is to take good care of your self. Your children need you now more than ever, to stay healthy. Eat, sleep, and exercise well. Do not isolate your self- spend plenty of time with old and new friends who can be supportive. If you start to feel overwhelmed, or if depression, anxiety, anger and such persist, consider getting help from a therapist or support group. Family therapy can be helpful at time like these as well.
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David John Berndt 1999Event Calendar:
This will be a much bigger part of subsequent issues but we wanted to rush this to press to begin getting the newsletter out. Send divorce related media events, including special chats to the editor at least one week before the end of each month (WME is published at the first part of each month).
Friday June 11th 3-4 PM 89.3 FM Pacifica radio (greater DC area)
Dr. David John Berndt will be the guest of Dr. Pamela Brewer on a special edition of Myndtalk, discussing "Parenting and Divorce." Myndtalk can also be listened to from anywhere in the nation in real time at www.wpfw.org .
Resource File
Here are five of the top divorce websites. They are so well known that I won't give them lengthy reviews. Subsequent issues we will review these and other web sites for what they can do for you, and what they can't.
Coming Attractions
In future issues we plan to address a number of interesting areas. Just a few include the following topics:
© David John Berndt, Ph.D. 1999
Discussions and information in articles, links and other inclusions in When Marriage Ends are the opinions of the authors and or sites and are not necessarily the views of this publication, nor do we warrant their accuracy. More important the general information contained herein is not intended as a substitute for legal or psychological advice specific to your situation. That is what psychologist and lawyers are trained to do, and you should get one for your own specific problem.