The Package of Knowledge
A college man’s guide to not fucking things up.
Volume 3 (301-500)

301.	It is a good idea to finish one project before starting another, lest both projects are left unfinished.

302.	No matter where you go, you will always end up in the bad section of town.  (See #156)

303.	Remember that even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat.

304.	The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

305.	Don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you; they’re too busy worrying about what you’re thinking about them.

306.	The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

307.	Despite what the dictionary says, you cannot define a word with itself.

308.	Despite what Bob Dylan says, you cannot rhyme a word with itself or its homonyms.

309.	 “Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

310.	If you are having trouble sleeping, stop thinking about all the things that you have to do tomorrow.

311.	It is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.  (Don’t bother trying.)

312.	If you volunteer to be the designated driver, it implies that you are not going to drink or do drugs.  If you drink and/or do drugs after volunteering, your friends will all think that you are a big jerk.

313.	Sometimes a kiss can hurt more than a punch.

314.	A ticket for a broken headlight will be thrown out if you get it fixed the very next day.

315.	The same does not hold true for an expired inspection.

316.	First time funny, second time silly, third time beating.

317.	Budget your time well; do not be on the wrong side of last call.

318.	If you are going home when the newspapers are being delivered, then you have stayed out too late.

319.	Waking up after noon is only acceptable in cases of jet lag and illness.

320.	Drinking or doing drugs alone isn’t cool; it’s just pathetic.

321.	Preprogrammed outcomes are not as random as they appear.

322.	Do not wear white socks with leather shoes.  If your shoes get wet, your socks will get discolored.

323.	Not all things are meant to be taken literally.

324.	Air quotes are stupid.  Don’t use them.

325.	When at a bar, pay by the drink.  If you run a tab you’ll end up spending more money than you have.

326.	If you are running a tab at a bar with some friends/acquaintances, don’t ever be the last one to leave.  You’ll get stuck with more than your fair share of the bill.

327.	Prison is not a good place from which to apply to graduate schools, pick up women, or pick up soap.

328.	Sometimes things happen that are beyond your control.  Do your best, learn from the situation, and move on with your life.

329.	If someone asks you what you are doing while you are reading the Package of Knowledge, the correct answer is “studying philosophy,” not “reading an autobiography of an Alliterative Autistic.”

330.	Sometimes technology is not an advancement, just an irritation.

331.	Signs that you are getting old: being confounded by technology, waking up in the morning with pains in your joins, attending the weddings of your friends and siblings, graduating from school, complaining about the rate of inflation, having a definite stance on political issues, telling “when I was your age” or “back in my day” stories, having grey or thinning hair, and having to check the ring finger of someone before you ask them out.

332.	Popular bands are not always good, even when they cover good songs.

333.	Think things through fully before saying them or comitting them to writing.

334.	If you are too intoxicated to drive, take a cab or get a ride with a friend.