The Package of Knowledge
A college man’s guide to not fucking things up.
Volume 1 (1-150)

1.	If it makes logical sense, it is probably a crock of shit.  Nothing is ever as simple as it seems, and the less sense it makes the more likely it is to be true.  When in doubt err on the side of caution.  

2.	If a girl says she loves you, she probably wants something.  If she kisses you, she wants even more.  If she goes all the way, you might as well give up all hope of ever getting completely out of the debt into which she is bound to be sending you.

3.	If a light bulb will not turn off by a switch, unscrew it.  Before you unscrew it put something over your hand—it’s liable to be hot.

4.	If something is hot, don’t touch it.  If something is sharp, don’t touch it.  If something hurts, don’t do it.

5.	If someone says, “trust me,” it means that he is either lying or has no idea what the fuck he is talking about.  Taking someone’s word because he says “trust me” is like eating food when someone says “try this—it tastes like shit.”

6.	Do not eat anything that is offered to you by someone saying “try this—it tastes like shit.”

7.	Never ever smoke light cigarettes—if you are going to smoke it’s going to kill you.  At least go with the high-test stuff.  Light cigarettes won’t kill you more slowly, make you less addicted, or do anything except make you smoke more frequently.

8.	A guitar solo cannot be too long.  A drum solo cannot be too short.

9.	Learn to lie with a straight face.  Don’t do it too often, but know when to do it, and when not to (see below)

10.	Instances when you should lie with a straight face: when you are likely to get into lots of trouble otherwise, when you are likely to lose, and when a girl asks you if you love her when you don’t.

11.	Find the meaning of life at some point, but promptly forget it.  If you know the meaning of life, it will make everything so much less worthwhile.  Trust me.

12.	If the key doesn’t fit use a credit card or jimmy it open.  There is no lock too difficult to pick.  

13.	This space intentionally left blank.

14.	If the key doesn’t fit, use a capo.  They work wonders.

15.	Never use an electric tuner.  Never use any piece of electronics that is supposed to make your life easier.  In the long run it will fail, and you will end up having to do it by hand anyway.

16.	The same goes for women.

17.	If an appliance serves more than three functions, it will break.

18.	When in doubt chose “all of the above”, “none of the above”, or C.  

19.	If drunken football players steal the marker from your door, it is best to buy a new marker.  They probably won’t listen to logic, and in the end, it will be better for everyone.

20.	Clean the lens on your CD player often.  Play your CDs loud.  Replace your speakers when they blow up.  Don’t worry—they don’t shoot sparks, or anything else.

21.	Practice.  It probably won’t get you to Carnegie Hall, but it will improve your skills.

22.	Caitlin is a fucking whore.

23.	Dream.  It’s the only thing that will make you feel better when the world turns against you.

24.	“To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart.”

25.	The people don’t ever know what they want.  Give them what you have and hope that it’s good enough.

26.	No matter how much you give it will never be good enough.  This is a fact of life.  Don’t let it bring you down (it’s only castles burning).

27.	Kurt, Jim, Janis, Jimmy, and Robert.

28.	Never trust a used car salesman, a politician, a priest, a poet, a liar, or a woman.

29.	Learn to play the piano.  If you do it will take you farther than most other things.

30.	Danny Elfman is a god.  Listen often.  Understand.

31.	Photographs often lie.  The man who said they didn’t was a politician (see #28).

32.	If you study hard, you’ll burn out.  If you smoke too much pot, you will burn out.  If you write too many poems, you will lose your mind.  If you drop acid, you will lose your mind.  Any questions?

33.	Pay your debts.  Then take out some more money.

34.	Drink espresso.  Coffee is for wusses and decaf is for women.  Quadruple shots are good.  Quintuple shots are better.

35.	Use “…” often.  It gives an hint of evasiveness and ambiguity.

36.	Never say anything out right.  It will make you seem boring.

37.	Smile once in a while.  The best times to smile are when people aren’t expecting it.

38.	Stare through things and people whenever you get the chance.  It makes people uneasy.

39.	Cry.  Holding it in never helps anyone or anything.  Do it whenever you have to do it—on someone’s shoulder, on your pillow, in your hand.

40.	Never cry on the shoulder of the person who made you cry.

41.	Never lose the people for whom you care the most.  Every time you lose one of them, you will lose part of yourself.  “Yourself is a bad thing to lose” – Sara.

42.	There is no answer to life, the universe and everything.  “There is no magic 42.”  Don’t go looking for answers where there aren’t any.  It will do you very little good.

43.	“Music is your only friend until the end” –Jim Morrison.

44.	Never underestimate the power of a thank you, or an apology.  Never refuse either.

45.	The innocence of childhood is easily lost.  Respect that.  Love that.  

46.	An E(add9) is a good substitute for an E, especially at the end of a song.  The same goes for Em(add9) and Em.

47.	Guitar picks are highly flammable.  Burn them when you get the chance.

48.	Eat food when you smoke pot.  It feels really cool in your mouth.

49.	The destruction of your mortal soul is a slow and painful process, but it is hard to avoid.  Be careful.

50.	Goodbyes are never easy, and it will never be the same.

51.	Wear sandals in the showers.  It’ll keep your feet from getting all kinds of nasty shit.

52.	Use good grammar whenever possible.  It makes you sound smarter.

53.	Don’t ask a question for which you do not want the answer.

54.	Solitude has its finer points.  Just learn to find them.

55.	Get big pockets and carry as much with you as you can.

56.	Those silly fibreglass things at the end of cigarettes… forget them.

57.	Cloves are good.  Tobacco is better.  Pot is better still.

58.	If it numbs the pain, it’s worth the effort.

59.	Open your eyes and take in all the shit that is going on around you, then forget all about it.  It never happened.  It was just too fucked up.  No, I didn’t see the snowman on Lark Street, and no, I didn’t see the toilet in the middle of 146.

60.	Buy a pair of Converse All-Stars and wear them religiously.

61.	No matter how much money you have at the beginning of college, it will all be gone by November.

62.	If most of the buildings on a street share a common name, chances are that’s the name of either the street or the area of town.

63.	If you need to resolve a dominant seventh chord, remember Dr. Heinick’s song: Sol Do Ti Do Re Do Fa Mi Sol Sol.

64.	Don’t unplug appliances while standing in a pool of water.

65.	Don’t sever ties with high school friends.  You will come home, and you will want to have friends when you do.

66.	If you play a musical instrument, don’t give it up.  It will ultimately end poorly if you do.

67.	Just because you can cover, Pink Floyd doesn’t mean that you should cover Pink Floyd.

68.	Do not punch someone who is drunk just because he asks you to do so.  He will probably just ask you to do it again.

69.	Do not give a drunken man a dead rodent.  Nothing good will come of it.

70.	Don’t talk on a cell phone in a store.  It just pisses people off.

71.	If you have a cell phone in a movie theatre—turn it off.  If it’s important enough they’ll call back or leave a voice mail.

72.	Driving in a car is not a good time to: chat on a cell phone, look at a map, read, put on makeup, or listen to The Wall.

73.	If you are using the word “if” or the phrase “I wish that” followed in the sentence by the past tense of the verb “to be” then “were” is the correct form, regardless of the subject.

74.	“Irregardless” is not a word.

75.	If the milk in your refrigerator is solid then throw it out.  If food in your refrigerator is green or fuzzy then throw it out.

76.	If you are learning to play a song on the guitar then learn the whole song.

77.	If a disk is not formatted correctly then it needs a full format, not a quick one.

78.	If no one knows it’s there then it’s not important.

79.	Shock value is not just cause to say something inappropriate.

80.	Teenage slang may seem funny at first, but in the long run, it will become very irritating.

81.	If a word has a Latin base it takes a Latin prefix and suffix.  If a word has a Greek base, it takes a Greek prefix and suffix.

82.	If programming HTML never use the <BLINK> tag.

83.	Changing from upper case to lower case for each letter in a word is very annoying.

84.	It is a poor idea to skip the midterm and/or final for a class that you are taking.

85.	Hotornot.com is not a good judge of character or personality.  Those on Hotornot.com probably have neither.

86.	If you are considering dying your hair black—bang your head against a wall repeatedly until the notion passes.

87.	If you are not sure if you can register for classes then check.  Do not assume that you cannot.

88.	Learn when to drop the “e” when using the suffixes “ing” and “ly.”

89.	If you do not know what a word means then don’t use it.

90.	Never smoke Basic menthol ultra light 100’s even if they are offered to you for free.

91.	Just because it’s free doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea.

92.	Do not become too attached to a person, place, or thing.  All are subject to change.

93.	Do not sign a one-year lease unless you are really sure that you can fulfil it.

94.	If you are sure that you can fulfil said lease then you are lying to yourself.

95.	Do not lie to yourself.

96.	Logic has practical applications to real life.  Use it when necessary.

97.	If you are at a diner and have not been served within an half-hour, leave.

98.	Just because she says “yes” doesn’t mean she’s pretty.

99.	Just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s not creepy.

100.	Just because the sex was good doesn’t mean she likes you.

101.	A napkin is always a useful source for paper in a pinch.  

102.	You can write on a napkin with regular pencils and some pens, but never use a mechanical pencil—it’ll just rip the napkin.

103.	If you get your bill from the fall semester and there’s no financial aid showing, the school probably hasn’t received your FAFSA.  Do something about it right away.  Don’t wait until May.  By then, it will be too late.

104.	If you want to graduate from college in four years, you will need to take more than 12 credit hours a semester (unless you for some odd reason decide to take summer courses).  Do the math.

105.	The emergency brake in your car is for emergencies.  In case of an emergency, learn when to use it—it may save your life.

106.	Unless your goal in life is to earn minimum wage, you should go to college.

107.	If you think that dropping out of college is a good idea then you are lying to yourself.  (see #95)

108.	Do not get a tattoo for someone else.  You are the one who will have to live with it for the rest of your life.

109.	It is an exceedingly poor idea to get any of the following tattooed into you: other people’s names, your band’s name, bar codes, numbers, Piglet (or other cartoon characters), or personal information.

110.	Once you have successfully removed a problem area from your life, don’t let it back in again.  It’s like being an overweight hick and moving into the ghetto.

111.	If you are an overweight hick, don’t move into the ghetto.

112.	If a man selling “cassettes” approaches your car at night, lock the doors, close the windows, and get the hell away from him.

113.	If you have to prove that you are a real man, then chances are good that you are not a real man.  Inflicting pain upon yourself in no way proves that you are a real man.

114.	Bribery does work.  Be careful whom you bribe, however, or it may come back to bite you in the ass.

115.	Low-income housing does not mean the same thing in the city that it does in the country.

116.	College is not a good time to pick up bad habits such as drinking, smoking, excessive drug use, or dating.  (see #61)

117.	It is an exceedingly poor idea to have sex in the following places: the middle of a large social gathering (such as a party), the laundry room, your friend’s house, any place where time constraints apply, the outside of a moving vehicle, a very uncomfortable place (such as the back seat of a Volkswagen), in a friend’s car (especially while said friend is driving), the middle of a diner, or the dressing room of the establishment in which you work.

118.	Do not try to keep secrets from your friends.  They will eventually find out.

119.	It is an exceedingly poor idea to date someone who is significantly older than you are, significantly younger than you are, going nowhere, or just plain creepy.

120.	Learn the history of the place in which you live; it will help you to know what places to see, and what places to avoid.

121.	Limit usage of the world “myself.”  Typically, “me” should be used instead.

122.	The word “they” is plural, not the neutered version of he/she.

123.	Learn to obey traffic laws (that includes using your turning signal).  It will save you money in the long run.

124.	Don’t feed an animal things it shouldn’t eat.  Your carpet will thank you later.

125.	Learn the sexual orientation of whomever you are interested in.  Don’t try to date someone whose sexual orientation is incompatible with your own.

126.	If you are dating someone then admit to it.  Everyone else probably knows by now anyway, and they are bound to be irritated by the fact that you won’t just admit it.

127.	When talking on AIM it is a good idea to keep a word processing program open.  It will help you spell correctly, and give you a place to keep any information that you might want later.

128.	Learn the difference between when something is ironic and when it is appropriate.

129.	Wavy Gravy was right: don’t take the brown acid, especially at a church function.

130.	Just because your guitar pegs are all facing the same direction doesn’t mean that your guitar is in tune.  In fact, chances are it is badly out of tune.

131.	Wearing a condom for longer than you actually need it is just gross, not clever.

132.	Having a greased pig in your car on a hot day is nothing but trouble.

133.	If you know that your parents are home or will be soon, smoking a joint in your driveway is a bad idea.

134.	Being prone to fits of rage will not get you out of trouble.  It will, in fact, get you into more trouble.

135.	Use the words “dude” and “man” sparingly.  Overuse will make you seem dull and annoying.

136.	If your mother has set a curfew for you, as inappropriate as it is, it is in your best interest to follow it.  It will save everyone a lot of irritation in the long run.

137.	If a girl asks you if she looks fat (or anything similar) the only appropriate answer is “no,” followed immediately by a compliment.  Only tell a girl that she is fat if you never plan to see her again.

138.	“Truth or Dare” and strip games are not fun when only guys are playing.

139.	Pornography may have it’s time and place, but keep in mind what’s in good taste.

140.	Abhorrent sexual activity is always in bad taste.

141.	Intra-friend-group dating is not as good an idea as it seems.  It may work at times, but other times it ruins many good things.

142.	You must be able to laugh at yourself before you can laugh at others.

143.	An associate’s degree is better than a high school diploma, although a degree earned online or through the mail is not.

144.	This is a gross amount of knowledge.

145.	Everyone has the ability to sing, but not everyone has the ability to sing well.  (See #21)

146.	If you are going to believe in something, know everything that you can about it.

147.	Believe in something.

148.	Stay grounded.  There will always be people better than you, but there will always be people worse than you too.

149.	Learn the Package of Knowledge and live by it.  Do not question the Package of Knowledge.

150.	“If it weren’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”