Forrester: Good morning, Boobie. Even though you woke up in your little cubicle, you thought I was a delusion born of an overdose of Bad Domino's pizza and Mt. Dew...

Frank: (Peering into the shot) Isn't that an oxy-moron?

Forrester:What?

Frank: Bad Domino's Pizza.

Forrester: (Holds a beat) Would you shut up? I'm in the middle of demeaning Joel! You! (Hits Frank) You are the Oxy Moron!

Frank: (Cringing, wanders out of the shot.)

Forrester: (Looks back at the camera) Where was I? Oh, yes, welcome to the Experiment, Boobie! I gave you a little rest last night since you worked so hard for the institute, but here we are now, fresh in the morning. Are you ready to hear what I have to say?

Joel: (Sullen) Do I have a choice?

Forrester: (Gleefully) No! That's what makes my life so fun! Get ready for really really bad Power Rangers Fan Fiction. Ah, the world of Japanese heroes fighting rubber monsters, brought to America and hacked to death, with American actors inserted for the kiddies to Identify with. On top of that we add the brainless spoo of some wannabe hack inserting their ideas into the story as if they can write better than Shuki Levy!

Joel: (Smirks) That doesn't sound hard.

Forrester:( Scowls) These people can't write! Their ideas are terrible! They're pathetic losers!

Joel: Your fan club?

Forrester: (Angry) Just wait, Joel. By the end of the first experiment, you'll cave. You'll be blubbering, whining, begging for Tracy Lynn Cruz to come back to the show!

Spyder: Nothing's that bad.

Forrester: (Startled) What's that?

Joel: I had a few too many Mt. Dews last night. I was kinda wired, so I programmed a few AI personalities into the computer.

Frank: Is that against the rules?

Forrester: (Thoughtful) I didn't make any rules... (suddenly alert, and angry.) Hey, I AM the rules! Frank, kill the AI.

(Various shouts of outrage from Joel and the AI. Suddenly they quiet down and the only voice left is Frank's.)

Frank: (forceful) No! I won't do it! (winds down, realises he's alone in speaking.) It's... murder. (wanders away under Forrester's glare.)

Forrester: Okay, okay. No sense in rioting. You can have your little personalities. But that's just because I let you make them in the first place. Now. I think it's time for your first Fic. (Turns to Frank.) Frank! Give me the fic!

(Frank hands Forrester a collection of papers, smiles sheepishly, and retreats as soon as Forrester has the papers. Forrester glares a moment, then turns back to Joel.)

Forrester: Your debut, your virgin story...

Tanda: Aaagh! Vomit time!

Forrester: Shut up. Your first fic is truly terrible. It's not just any Fan Fiction about the Power Rangers. First of all, it's a total rip off from a fanfic from another entire genre. It has no action, no theme, no plot, no movement, no climax-

Joel:  (nudges Tanda before she can say anything.)

Tanda: (pouts)

Forrester: (continues, unaware of the exchange.) It's about Zordon when he was young... and in love.

Tanda:  See, I was right. Vomit time.

Forrester: And it should be in your inbox any second now.

*beep*

Joel:  We've got Mail!

(Joel settles in his chair, the AI grumbling.)

Spyder: This is a load of crap.

Tanda: Is it a SHORT load of crap?

Spyder: I don't see anything that says to be continued.

Tanda: Thank God.

Joel:  Don't read ahead.

(Silence settles.)

In Time

By Kristen Murphy

(All boo)

"The eternal cannot change. It's not touched by time. As soon as you have a historical act, a movement, you're in time. The world of time is a reflex of the energy of what is eternal. But the eternal is not touched by what is here." Joseph Campbell

Spyder: Joseph Campbell, who, if he were alive today, would have died at the thought that he was being quoted here.

Tanda:  This story already feels eternal.

It was sunset, and the Great Temple of the Ninjetti was awash with fiery light as Phaedos' star sank gradually toward the tangled darkness of the Neola Jungle. The naturally warm colors of the Temple and its rocky plateau leapt into flame beneath the glowing touch of the sun.

Spyder: The sun crashed into the jungle, everything burned and was eaten alive by the huge nuclear star. The end.

Joel: It's not that easy.

Spyder: Damn.

On the opposite horizon where blue still tinged the sky, a black speck came suddenly into view. Tiny at first, it appeared high in the sky and quickly grew in size as it descended, revealing itself

All: (Covers faces) Aaagh! No!

to be a sleek black and silver spacecraft. It came down in a graceful swooping arc over the ocean, its dark, polished surface reflecting the red-gold of the waves, and moments later it was soaring across the rocky coastline. The plateau loomed before it, a vast, monolithic tower crowned by the Temple complex.

Tanda: Crowning Monoliths. Every girl and slash author's dream.

The ship did not fly directly over the plateau- to do so would have been an act of sacrilege-

Joel: So was writing this story.

but rather banked gracefully to the right and glided down to a landing platform on one of the lower cliffs. Its arrival prompted a flurry of activity among the few spaceport workers, who hurried to activate landing lights and other systems needed to guide the ship in safely.

Spyder: Suddenly, the workers fell in explosive bursts of blood. Someone assasinated them, causing the ship to crash because the lights were not activated. Everyone died. The end.

Joel:  Spyder...

Spyder: I'm desperate here.

Tanda: So is the author.

The only unoccupied person on the platform was a lone man in red who stood waiting on the tarmac in the relaxed "at ready" posture of a seasoned fighter. Although the spectacular sunset was not visible from the platform, its colors were echoed by the powerfully built Ninjetti warrior. He wore a sleeveless red tunic and leather sandals that laced around his muscular calves,

Joel: He trains young cows?

Tanda: It looks like he takes his cows for some BDSM...

Joel: I should never have let you at the newsgroups, you know that?

Tanda: (Grins cheesily) I was only reading over your shoulder.

Joel: (nudges her)

and his short, coppery curls were ringed by a thin circlet of gold.

Tanda: Ooh... kinky.

On his left wrist he wore a very wide gold armill set with rubies and engraved with the undulating form of a Phaedan dragon. The man's hazel eyes were bright as he watched the black ship hover above the platform. The spaceport lights caught and reflected from the ship's smooth hull and the golden crest of the Eltarian Senate emblazoned on its side.

Dust swirled up around the sleek spacecraft as it lowered itself with a hum and the blue glow of antigrav repulsors. It took a few moments, but both dust and ship soon settled to the earth.

Joel:  I thought we were on Phaedos.

Spyder: I wish.

Tanda: Why?

Spyder: I can't read Phaedan.

A uniformed worker approached the man in red. "The Eltarians request permission to disembark, Master Nathen." The worker spoke with the melodic accent of the Ninjetti.

Spyder: The who, did what, where?

Joel: Shhh, don't point out things like that. The author may make the fic longer.

Tanda: (Groans)

Nathen smiled and nodded. "Permission granted." His deep voice matched the other man's accent.

Tanda: I just LOVE men with matching "accents".

As the worker returned to his post, Nathen approached the small ship. A hatch opened in the side of the spacecraft, and cool, pressurized air came rushing out to mingle with the heat of Phaedos.

Spyder: Everyone choked on the gas and they all died!

Joel: Who had the burrito?

The temporary breeze ruffled the hair and clothing of the two figures who stood in the hatchway waiting for the ramp to be extended.

Tanda: My hair and clothing are always ruffled while waiting for the ramp to extend. (Sighs)

The older of the two visitors was the first down the ramp. He was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and pants that were completely unsuited to the Phaedan climate, but he showed no sign of discomfort in the heat.

Spyder: Heat? What heat?

Tanda: If someone were in heat it might be interesting. This has to be the first PWP I ever read without the SEX!

Joel: (Nudges them both.) Can we just get through this?

The warrior on the ground smiled. That was Caleth, always at his ease. The Senator of Elaria was a cheerful, handsome man in his mid-hundreds- quite young to hold such an elevated post. There was no trace of grey in his sandy hair, and his ready smile was as sincere as it was charming. His light blue cape fluttered cheerfully behind him as he walked down the ramp with easy, relaxed strides.

Spyder: Until he tripped, snapping his-

Joel: Knock it off, Spyder.

Spyder: (begins to whine)

Behind the senator came the slightly smaller figure of his young nephew. Nathen was always struck
by how similar the pair looked.

Joel: Maybe being stuck by a ten pound sledgehammer would be less painful.

Both of them shared the same slender build, dark blond hair, and stormy grey eyes.

Tanda: Her name was Sally.

Spyder: (whine gets louder.)

However, the boy's features were drawn into a much more serious expression than that worn by the lighthearted senator, and his dark green and black clothing made him seem little more than a straw-haired shadow in the fading light. The boy had grown since his last visit, Nathen thought, although he still wasn't as tall as his uncle.

Spyder: (Whine fades)

"Welcome to Phaedos!" Nathen called to them over the fading whine of the spaceship's engines.

Spyder: "But I wanted to go to Tashi station for some power Converters!"

Tanda: Can I have some cheese with that "whine"?

Joel: The fic is cheesey enough Tanda.

Tanda: (Smirks)

Caleth broke into a grin as he caught sight of the one-man welcoming party. "Good evening, Nathen!" he returned. "I hope we haven't kept you waiting out here too long."

Tanda: (As a drunken Nathen) No shir, I waz having a pharty all by myshelf...

"Not at all," replied Nathen. He reached out to clasp the senator's hand in a warm, though brief greeting.

Tanda: And that's where that species keeps it's gen-

Joel: (Clicks on Tanda.) Stop that.

Tanda: (shudders) Oh... do it again.

Spyder: (Gags)

Joel: Save it for the fic guys.

"I've only been waiting a few minutes." He turned his attention to the dark-clad teenager standing behind Caleth. "Hello, Zordon," he greeted the boy. "It's good to see you again."

Zordon bowed formally. "It is good to see you as well, Master Warrior."

Spyder: Zordon, dark clad teenager, and new president of the Trenchcoat mafia.

Nathen hid a grin as he acknowledged the boy's greeting with a dignified nod. He wished Zordon would learn to loosen up around him.

Tanda: No matter how drunk he got the kid, he couldn't get him to play "Michael Jackson at Neverland" with him.

Spyder: That's sick, Tanda.

Even on social calls, the young man always accorded him formal respect, and Nathen was never quite sure whether that was because he was the Master Warrior, or because he was Kesmira's father. It was endearing, but it also made him feel rather old.

Spyder: (Groans) Like this fic.

"Why don't we start down?" he suggested.

Tanda: Woohoo!

Spyder: "Woohoo?"

"Meleda and the girls are anxious to see you both, and supper should be nearly ready by now. I can arrange to have your things brought down to the house later."

Caleth grinned broadly at the mention of supper. "That sounds wonderful to me." He turned toward the sandy-haired teen at his right shoulder. "Unless Zordon would rather wait," he teased.

Tanda: That Caeleth, such a tease.

Spyder: I thought this was Phaedos, not Krypton.

Joel: That's Kal-el, Spyder.

Spyder: Geek.

Joel: Damn proud of it.

Zordon smiled at his uncle's joke, but his grey eyes were distant and his thoughts were already elsewhere.

Spyder: (As Zordon) Anywhere but in this Fic!!

Caleth could tell that the boy was practically vibrating with anticipation.

All: (Hysterical laughter) Vibrating!!!

Caleth contemplated the young man for a moment. He tried to be a role model for his sister's son, but he often felt that he didn't really understand the boy. Zordon had had to deal with the loss of his father when he was only twelve,

Joel: (Pulls out a bucket.) Bail for your lives, the exposition is getting deep.

Spyder and Tanda: (Both scream.)

in addition to the lifelong burden of his magical abilities. Caleth himself had never shown even the slightest potential in that area, and he thought there was something about all mages that was just a little bit "off." His solution to the boy's seeming loneliness had been to start taking him along on his various diplomatic trips around the galaxy. No one but Caleth had been more surprised when on one of the earliest trips Zordon met Nathen's daughter Kesmira and the pair became almost instantly inseparable. They were kiariyri-

Spyder: Gezundheit!

soul mates- a rare thing to discover at any point in life, much less at the tender age of thirteen.

Tanda: Something the writer of this fic will never know anything about.

Spyder: Oh, I dunno, she might find someone else as flat and poor of a writer as she is.

Tanda: Flat... maybe.

Caleth knew such bonds were not unheard of- their host, Nathen, was another who had been blessed to discover his kiariyr-

Joel: God, someone give the author a drink, she's choking.

Spyder: This is bad how?

but Zordon's relationship to the Ninjetti girl was one more thing about his nephew that he didn't truly understand.

Joel: They are related?

Tanda: So that's how it is in their family!

"Let's get going, then." Nathen spoke briefly with one of the spaceport workers, and then he led the two Eltarians away from the landing area to the place where the cliff joined on to the main bulk of the towering stone formation. There was a path there, a steep, rough-hewn trail that zig-zagged its way down to the base of the cliff, and the red-headed Ninjetti started down it with Caleth and Zordon close behind him.

Spyder: See Fic. See Fic Run. Run fic, run for the cliffs!

The sun had set completely, and far above them the colonnade of the Great Temple was visible as a black outline against the darkening blue sky. Zordon lagged a little behind the adults as he paused to look up at it.

Joel: He must have a dial up connection.

From this angle he could just make out the glow of the eternal flame at the center of the Temple. For some reason he found it reassuring.

Spyder: Zordon thought, is it too late in the fic to jump into the flames?

Zordon breathed deeply and glanced back at the path. Nathen and his uncle were several meters

Spyder: Meters? I thought this was an American author.

Tanda: Yeah, but what do you expect? She ripped off a Scottish author.

Joel and Spyder: Ooohhh...

ahead of him, talking and laughing as they made their way down the steep trail. Zordon hurried to catch up with them.

Joel: Certain they were talking about him. Taunting. He would have to kill them both.

Spyder: Please! Please! Do it quickly!

The moons had not yet risen,

Tanda: So, if it hasn't risen, HOW DO WE KNOW THERE IS MORE THAN ONE!

Joel: Easy Tanda. It's just a bad fic.

Tanda: A Really REALLY bad fic. (Huffs)

and it was quite dark on the lower cliffs. Small, oval-shaped glowlamps marked the edges of the path, but Zordon and Caleth still had to be rather careful as they picked their way down the trail. Nathen, on the other hand, could have negotiated the rocky trail without fear even in pitch darkness. Confidently, he led his two visitors down toward the collection of warm, inviting lights nestled at the base of the looming tower of rock- down into the city of the Ninjetti.

The city had no name.

Spyder: I thought the streets had no name.

Tanda: No, the horse has no name.

Joel: Could I just go into the desert?

Spyder and Tanda: (Singing) La la la laala...

It was customary among the Ninjetti to refer to natural landmarks rather than manmade ones;

Joel: What the hell is a Ninjetti anyway?

Spyder: A compact car made by the Japanese.

Joel: Oh. And they mark their territory?

Tanda: No that's a Jeep.

Joel: (Looks puzzled and shrugs)

thus, a traveler bound for a city beside Illura Falls would speak of going to the falls, not to the city itself.

Spyder: So no two cities are ever near a forest, or a lake, or a stream... What crap!

Joel: (Warning) Spyder...

Spyder: Sorry I meant LAME crap!

Joel: That's better.

Tanda: "Thus?" "THUS?" Who talks like that?

Spyder: An out of work "writer"?

The distinction seemed trivial to most outworlders, but to the Ninjetti it was a crucial subtlety. To them it was the natural world that mattered; cities and starships and computers were necessities, but not ones the Ninjetti found particularly interesting. The only artificial construct they honored was the Great Temple, which almost looked like a natural outgrowth of the plateau anyway.

Spyder: (Begins to snore.)

Joel: (Tries to wake Spyder) Pssst...

Tanda: (Whispering) Exposition does this to him every time.

Joel: (Snickers)

The city at the base of the plateau also seemed very natural, an impression fostered by the almost organic-looking architecture and the exotic gardens that had been coaxed from the dry, rocky terrain. All of the buildings were very similar to each other so that no one in particular stood out, and they were clustered together in an irregular fashion more suggestive of organic growth than of a carefully planned metropolis.

Joel: Wish we had a carefully planned fic.

Tanda: It is, Joel. Carefuly planned to lull American readers that can be lured into the dreck to sleep.

Spyder: (Snores louder)

Joel: If it's so dark, how can we SEE all of this?

Tanda: The characters have night vision? We have no idea what kind of aliens these are.

The path from the spaceport led down into a residential area, and it was only a short walk from there to the home of the Master Warrior. Nathen's family lived in a house made of interconnected earthen domes of various sizes. A rock garden out front was lush with thick-leaved succulents and other dry-climate plants;

Joel: Which were weeded out every day because they were trying to grow Rocks!

even a few hardy specimens from the nearby jungle had managed to assert themselves. Two of the domes were partially covered with ropy green vines that bloomed with large yellow and lavender flowers. There was no glass in the semicircular windows- when needed, thick drapes could be used to keep out inclement weather.

Joel: Why the facination with domes and curves?

Tanda: Because the author doesn't have any herself?

Joel: Daa-mn...

It was dark before the three men reached the house, but soft,

Tanda: Wasn't it dark when they started walking?

Joel: I don't know anymore. This whole fic is in the dark.

golden light glowed from the windows and around the door, which was really just a heavy curtain with weight at the bottom to keep it from flapping in the unpredictable breezes around the plateau. Nathen pushed the curtain aside with one hand as he beckoned the others to follow him.

Spyder: (Still snoring)

They stepped from indigo darkness into the warm, homey light of the main dome. The large room was both living and dining area, and it was comfortably, though minimally, furnished. Colorful hangings brightened the drab walls,

Joel: Nothing can brighten the drab fic.

Tanda: Who does your decorating? Phantom of the Opera? Jason Bates?

and there were a few pieces of low furniture cushioned with bright pillows. The golden light came from large translucent globes filled with phosphorescent moss that hung on braided vines from the domed ceiling.

On the far right side of the room was a large table that appeared to have been sculpted from the wall itself. It was like a shelf jutting out from the wall,

Tanda: It "appeared" and was "like" a shelf. So it appears shelf-like? It's ROCK! Doesn't it have any substance?!

Joel: No, and neither does this fic.

with one end roughly carved into a supporting column and the other gradually thickening until it merged seamlessly with the earthen side of the dome. The table was flanked by a pair of wooden benches, and a single large glowlamp was suspended over it.

Spyder: (Snorts, then resumes snoring)

Tanda: Suspended "Glowlamps" now?

Joel: "I see your schwartz is almost as big as mine."

Tanda: (Gags)

A young girl in a long blue-violet dress was setting the table for supper. Her back was to the door as Nathen and the Eltarians came in, and she spun eagerly to face them.

Joel: "Blue-violet" Isn't that indigo?

Tanda: How many fics can you rip off in a day?

"They're here!" she called delightedly, and dashed toward them with her lustrous black hair flying behind her.

Spyder: (Startled awake) I'll have more! Buh? Wha? Damn, it's still going.

Caleth, grinning, sidestepped neatly out of the way as the girl flew past him and flung her slender arms around Zordon's neck.

Spyder: (Chokingly, as Zordon) Gak... urk... leggo...

Zordon colored slightly at the enthusiastic greeting. He was usually much more reserved, particularly in front of an audience. Still, he couldn't help but smile as he returned Kesmira's embrace.

Joel: (As Zordon) You can have it back, I don't want it, really.

<<I missed you,>> she told him silently, and pulled back to meet his gaze with deep blue eyes. Her soft voice was like music in his mind.

Spyder: Harsh, punked out, screeching metal music.

<<I missed you, too,>> he replied across the thrumming resonance of their bond. He had not realized how much he had missed her until that moment, when the joy of reunion mingled in him with the ache of long separation.

Tanda: Is this going to turn into porn?

Spyder: Please? It might make it interesting.

Joel: They're talking to each other's minds... it's psychic.

Spyder: No, it's PSYCHOTIC.

Tanda: Well you would think the fic would be over faster that way.

Spyder: (confused) What?

Joel: Little minds... not much content... small fic...

Spyder: (Pauses a beat.) Ooooh... (brightens) I get it!

"Just in time for supper, I see." The light, musical voice belonged to Kesmira's mother,

Joel: What is this, a fan fic or an opera?

Spyder: Phantom of the Opera! Let's just whip out the punjab rope and take out the characters

Tanda: This fic isn't whipping out anything.

Spyder: Except my lunch. (Gags)

Meleda, who had just emerged from the adjoining kitchen. She was a petite, fragile-looking woman whose features were a more delicate version of her daughter's. She had 'Mira's dark, curly hair and midnight blue eyes, but her eyes were incredibly large and her small face was pointed and elfin-looking.

Joel: An Anime Babe?

Spyder: An Alien!

Tanda: A working girl!

She stood just outside the kitchen archway, wiping her small hands on a cloth as she pretended to chide the newcomers.

Spyder: Do you think "small hands" is a handicap or just another vague alien thing?

Tanda: It's a crappy fic, that's what it is, Spyder!

Joel: True.

"But of course," said Caleth, grinning rakishly.

Joel: If he rakes her she'll sink and we can go home...

Tanda: Not touching that one.

"The mere thought of your culinary brilliance made the light-years pass more quickly."

All: (Hack, barf noises)

Meleda laughed as the senator

Spyder: Senator? Would that Be Senator Jack Ryan?

Joel: Senator Palpatine?

Tanda: Join the Dark side, puke!

Spyder: This fic already has.

bent to kiss her cheek in greeting.

Tanda: And she bent over.

Next to the tall Eltarian, she appeared as tiny as a child, despite the golden armband that marked her as a Ninjetti adept.

Joel: "Golden armband?" Who thinks up this stuff?

Spyder: Pretentious college girls who can't get boyfirends.

Tanda: (Mimicking Bo from Signs) Why can't she get boyfriends?

Joel: She wants a girlfriend?

Tanda: (Still mimicking): Why can't she get girlfriends?

Spyder: Isn't is obvious from her writing? She'd put Traci Lords into a boredom coma.

A young redhead standing at Meleda's left rolled her eyes at the exchange. The youngest in the family, she took everything seriously and had little patience for those who didn't.

Zordon greeted her with a smile. "Hello, Dulcea. It's good to see you again."

Dulcea turned toward the boy, ignoring Caleth completely. "Hello, Zordon."

Spyder: Hey, it's the scantilly clad warrior babe from the Power Rangers Movie!

Tanda: You watch this crap?

Spyder: (Looks stricken) Well, I mean- I read the groups?

Tanda: (Shaking her head.) Fan boy.

Joel: Busted!

Zordon smiled to himself. He had always liked Dulcea. Like himself, she was fiercely devoted to her training and serious beyond her years.

Tanda: So he had his way with her often, and she liked it!

She was training as a Ninjetti warrior, and she was almost fanatical about it. Many people were put off by her singleminded intensity, but it had paid off: at thirteen, she was surpassing trainees years older than she. Dulcea was a coltish girl, all arms and legs and already taller than her mother.

Spyder: Which isn't hard because mom's a Pygmy!

Tanda: "Coltish?" Sicko.

She was dressed plainly in a short brown tunic, and her long, red-gold hair was tied back in a thick braid. She almost always dressed that way: rough, practical, no-nonsense.

Spyder: A complete character reversal from a green leather bikini clad goddess.

Joel: We all have our dark childhoods I suppose.

Tanda: Rough, practical and no nonsense. Just how she likes it.

Spyder: (sputters, sounds disgusted) There are just no words...

Zordon was sure there was a sense of humor lurking somewhere behind those intense blue-green eyes, but so far Dulcea didn't seem to have found it. He had the feeling a lot of people would be shocked when she finally did.

Spyder: Must- resist- exposition... (Yawns)

When the greetings were over with, Meleda told everyone to get ready for supper and ducked back into the kitchen.

Spyder: Is she a pygmy, an alien, or a duck?!

Joel: Maybe she's a pygmy alien duck?

Tanda: Oh goose me, baby.

Spyder: (Gives Tanda "The Look".)

Her cooking wasn't quite as good as Caleth claimed, but the smells wafting out from the open archway still made Zordon's mouth water.

Spyder: And his eyes.

Joel: (Gags.)

Tanda: Just which "open archway" are we talking about here?

Joel: (Spews Mountain Dew off set.)

Spyder: (Holds up a 9.8 card.)

He washed up in another domed room, one of several that opened off of the main living space.

Tanda: Yes, Yes, lots of domes. Haven't we established that yet?

Spyder: Let her have her Freudian moment.

Joel: The Pleasure Dome.

Tanda: (Begins to talk, then stops. She blinks, stares at Joel.) Well done!

When he returned, he found Kesmira already seated at the table. He took the place across from her on the long wooden bench and rested his loosely clasped hands on the earthen tabletop. Slowly, he raised his grey eyes to meet her blue ones, and his serious face broke into an irrepressible grin.

Spyder: (Groans, tounge lolling, drooling.) My brain is melting...

Kesmira grinned back and reached out to place her own hands over his. She loved it when he smiled. It made him seem his true age instead of some grave old man trapped in a teenager's body.

Spyder: Even though she liked dirty old men.

<<How was your trip?>> she asked him, delighting in the telepathic contact. It was rather unnecessary, since they were sitting right across from one another, but it had been so long that she couldn't resist.

Joel: This whole fic is unnecessary.

<<It was all right.>> Zordon seemed slightly pensive. <<I was glad to get here, though. I've really missed you.>>

Spyder: Aim better next time!

Kesmira wondered what was bothering him,

Tanda: It's these little voices telling him to kill everyone in the Pleasure Dome!

but before she could ask he was inquiring about her Ninjetti training.

Joel: (Chokes) When?! Where?

Tanda: Shhh!! Don't encourage the author to write more!

Zordon frequently found ways to evade her concern, although they never worked for very long. 'Mira decided that she would humor him for the time being, and she began telling him about her latest activities as a mystic-in-training.

Tanda: "Mystic-in-training"?? Where does she get this crap?

Dulcea came in from the kitchen carrying a stone pitcher of water, and she smiled at the sight of Zordon and her sister holding hands and gazing at each other in silence. "Sorry to intrude," she said with a hint of amusement.

Spyder: (As Dulcea) But I get him next so hurry up!

They barely acknowledged her as she moved around the table filling the cups that were set at each place. "Guess this means I'm going to finish setting the table myself," she remarked, unheard, and vanished back into the kitchen.

Joel: I wish the rest of this fic was "unheard".

Spyder: I wish the rest of the fic would vanish!

A few moments later, Nathen and Caleth reentered the room. This time the couple did take notice and withdrew their hands, Zordon with a faint blush as his uncle sat down on his left.

Tanda: Ewww! Go wash your hands, you don't know where the daughter of the pygmy duck alien has been!

Caleth grinned knowingly at the boy. He could see that the pair had wasted no time in getting completely lost in each other.

Tanda: Right there on the kitchen table!

Spyder: Suck a duck!

Joel: (Shudders) Yeck. That's enough of the bestiality.

Spyder: Besti-what? (Googles) ICK!

(The lights in the office come up slightly and Joel closes the mail program. He leans back and stretches.)

Motherboard: Okay, kiddies... it's music time.

Spyder: We've invented a... (looks off screen, pauses as if reading from a card.) outlet... for our stress... that will... convert our anger... into creative... and productive release?

Tanda: Motherboard created an easy to perform stress-fest.

Joel: We call it Fan Fic Karaoke, and today we'll all join in...

Tanda: (Excited) Maybe we should all dress as the Beatles, I'd make a great George...

Joel: (thinks.) Let's not go too far...

Spyder: (protests) I can't sing my way out of a paper hat!

Joel: You too, Spyder. We'll ALL join in on a healthy rendition of Can't Sell my Fic.

Spyder: Someone wrote new words for a great Beatles tune.

Tanda: I worked hard on that.

Joel: It's very good. Motherboard?

Motherboard: Ready when you are, honey... and just call me Mom.

Joel: (pauses a beat.) Oookay.

A Karaoke version of Can't Buy Me Love begins to play.

(Everyone sings. Spyder isn't really trying and Joel is off key. Tanda is trying too hard.)

Can't sell my fic, fic
Can't sell my fic

I tried to post my fan fic today
on a popular web site
Got a reject e-mail slip today
They said "Not *this* fan fic site.
'cause this fan fic is ripped off, honey."
Man, I can't sell my fic.

I sent it to a dozen more
and they all just sent it back.
They said it was a stupid bore
and that I was a rip off hack.
No-one wants my fan fic, buddy.
Man, I can't sell my fic.

Can't sell my fic, everybody tells me so
Can't sell my fic, no no no, no

I tried to give them money next,
They still rejected it.
I had to post the thing on my site
Cause no one wanted it
No-one wants my fan fic, budy.
Man, I can't sell my fic.

(music ends, Spyder falls over.)

Joel: Well, that was spirited, at least!

Tanda: I feel cleansed.

Spyder: (Comes back into the shot) Actually, it was fun. Can we do it again?

Joel: Sorry, guys...

(All IA groan and complain.)

Tanda: Why?

*beep*

Joel: Cause we've got mail!!!

(The AI all scream and scramble as Joel clicks the mail icon.)

Nathen sat across from his guests, next to 'Mira, who seemed unembarrassed by the interruption. He regarded her fondly for a moment before addressing the senator. "So how was Edenoi?"

Spyder: Isn't that a kind of Japanese Sushi?

Tanda: Edensoy makes soy milk.

Joel: (Cringes) Yeck.

Tanda: Describe your balls:

Caleth redirected his grin. "Cold and dark, as usual."

Spyder: Hey, that's a Rocky Horror thing!

Joel: This whole fic is a "Rocky Horror".

Spyder: At least Rocky has something to do with the Power Rangers.

Tanda: Fanboy.

Nathen laughed heartily at that, and even Kesmira and Zordon joined in. The conditions on Edenoi weren't that extreme, but its reddish sun did burn much cooler than those of Eltar or Phaedos.

"What's cold and dark?" Meleda was just coming from the kitchen with a large serving bowl and had caught the end of the exchange.

All: THIS FIC!!!

Caleth didn't miss a beat. "This room, until it was filled with your radiant beauty."

All: (Wretching noises)

"Oh, of course." Meleda rolled her eyes and began dishing out soup. Dulcea, who had followed her mother out of the kitchen, placed a platter of warm bread on the table and went back for more.

Spyder: Only this time, filled with arsenic. They were all killed, THE END!!!

Joel: Sorry, Spyder.

Spyder: (Groans)

The meal was simple, but it smelled tantalizing.

Spyder: Tantalizingly like crap!

There was freshly baked bread, a clear soup filled with assorted vegetables, and pinkish-white fillets of fish. Meleda spoke a Ninjetti blessing over the food, and then everyone dug in with enthusiasm.

Spyder: Once the grave was completed...

Joel: They threw the author in...

Tanda: Huzzah!

"So how was Edenoi really?" asked Nathen after a few minutes. "Did the ceremony go well?"

Tanda: (As Caleth) No, you're still alive.

Caleth nodded as he tore off a piece of bread.

Spyder: Wishing it were the Author's head...

"Splendidly, as a matter of fact. The place hasn't looked that festive in years." Their previous stop had been on the planet Edenoi to attend the coming-of-age ceremony for Crown Prince Lexien. It was traditional for the king's heir to accept the Masked Rider powers and the role of planetary defender at the age of fifteen. Caleth had represented Eltar at the state occasion, and Zordon had accompanied him because the teenaged prince was one of his closest friends.

(Spyder's eyes start to droop. Joel nudges him with the mouse.)

"Lex wanted me to tell you hello for him," Zordon said to Kesmira, who also knew the prince. "You too, Dulcea." There had been a Ninjetti delegation at the event, but the girls' training responsibilities had kept them both on Phaedos.

Kesmira smiled, a bit wistfully. "I wish I had been there," she said with her soft accent. It had been a long time since she had seen her Edenite friend. "How was he?"

Tanda: Hot, all night, over and-

Joel: Behave!

Tanda: I am!

"Same old Lexien." Zordon grinned. "But I think receiving the powers affected him more than he wanted to admit. He seemed a little dazed afterwards."

Spyder: No, that was the quality weed!

Tanda: I could use some of that.

Joel: Maybe we can roll the fic and smoke it...

Spyder: No way! Remember when you tried to smoke banana peels?

Joel: Well, that was just last night... and it would have worked to if you guys didn't stop me!

Perhaps Lexien's brush with Power would make him think twice before teasing Zordon about his own magical studies.

Joel: Next time he'd use the comb with power...

Tanda: I don't need to know about yet another alien's "Brush".

Zordon's mind drifted back to the majestic ceremony in the Great Hall on Edenoi.

Spyder: and wished he'd jumped out the window before he got to this fic!

It really had been an amazing thing, watching his friend be transformed before his eyes by the power of the Masked Riders.

Tanda: I know some "Masked Riders".

(Joel nudges her with the mouse.)

Lex had seemed almost preternaturally solemn and much older than fifteen as he had accepted the trust that had been held by his father and grandfathers since time immemorial.

Spyder: Isn't that when this fic began?!

Joel: That should be "Time in memorandum."

Tanda: May it rest in pieces.

Lexien and his father had regarded each other for a long moment after the transfer, and for a brief instant they had not been father and son, but brothers- kings- sharing a moment of grave and deep understanding. Then the moment had passed,

Spyder: It was gas, and the King didn't feel as bloated.

and King Rerion had looked on his son with the proudest smile Zordon had ever seen as fanfares rang out to acclaim the Crown Prince.

Tanda: Zordon hasn't seen many smiles.

Zordon had been thrilled for his friend, but the ceremony had also made him ache for his own father,

Tanda: Ewww!!! That's NOT right!!!

whom he could remember looking at him with that same kind of pride. Zordon missed him fiercely.

Joel: Hey, I thought Lexien got the proudest smile. I'm confused.

Spyder: So's the author.

"Well, if he was dazed, he certainly didn't show it." Caleth's remark pulled Zordon back to the present. "All the heads of state were very impressed with him."

Tanda: All the state heads were impressed with him too. No wonder he was dazed.

That was no surprise. Lexien was brilliant,

Spyder: And he deserved better than a stupid puppet in a Saban TV show.

Tanda: (Thwaps him) Fanboy Fanboy!

Joel: (Clicks on Tanda.) Be nice.

Tanda: (Shudders.) Oooh.

in politics as well as in science, and his charming manner made it easy for him to win people over.

Tanda: Like a black widow, he ate people after it was all over...

"He'll be a popular king when the time comes," Nathen predicted. "Not that that won't be for a long time yet." The warrior helped himself to another bowl of soup.

"He may have to be Masked Rider sooner than he thinks, though."

Nathen put down the serving spoon. "What do you mean?"

The senator returned his questioning gaze with suddenly grave eyes.

Spyder: God, she's boring her own characters to death!

"The Khogar are up to their old tricks again."

Joel: Yep, they're raising prices again...

Meleda looked alarmed and raised a small hand to her face.

Spyder: She realised she picked up the main course and put it back down again, going for a larger serving.

"What happened?" Dulcea asked, intent.

"They attacked a farming community on Aquitar two days ago. It was completely unexpected. They killed about fifty people and made off with most of the harvest."

Spyder: I thought the only Aquitar farms were raising sheep crossed with dolphins!

Tanda: "Baa-SPLASH! Baa-SPLASH! Baa-SPLASH!"

Nathen looked grim. "The Khogar haven't struck this far inside the galaxy since I was a boy.

Spyder: They're still mad at Safeway for buying out Dominics!

Tanda: And Albertsons for buying Jewel and Lucky!

I wonder what Korim could be up to." Korim the Vicious was the leader of the Khogar,

Joel: The Store Manager?!

Spyder: No the District Manager!

All: (shudder) Oooooohhhhh!!!!

a race of intergalactic warriors and pirates that lived by conquest and sudden raids. In the last millennium those raids had been confined to distant worlds in territory the Khogar claimed as their own. The planets of the Eltar Alliance, nestled deep within the Andromeda Galaxy, had been inviolate for centuries.

All: BAN EXPOSITION!

Caleth knew this, and his grey eyes were dark as he informed them, "It wasn't Korim."

"What?"

Joel: Who said that? Show yourself!

"Apparently the raid was led by Korim's teenage son. And if the violence of this attack is any indication, he's trying to outdo his father."

"Korim has a son?" Nathen repeated in disbelief.

Tanda: (As Nathen) But he promised mom I was his only one!

Caleth nodded. "It seems so. They call him Prince Zedd, but other than that we don't know much about him. From the eyewitness accounts, he doesn't even look like a Khogar. He also seems to have powers unlike anything we've seen from them before."

Spyder: He slashes prices and glows blue at random moments!

Tanda: He's a K-Mart blue light special!

"So they didn't catch him?" asked 'Mira. Something about the senator's tale was making her very uneasy. She glanced toward Zordon, but the young man's expression was veiled.

Spyder: Y'know, Mira in Spanish means Look.

Tanda: No me gusta miro!

Joel: (impressed) Very good.

Tanda: Gracias.

"No. The authorities got there too late to do anything but pick up the pieces. They tried to chase down the Khogar ships,

Spyder: Someone didn't bring the carts in before the Santa Ana's came up!

but there were all sorts of strange technical problems, and they lost them." Caleth gave a small, mystified shrug. "One thing's certain: we probably haven't heard the last of Prince Zedd."

Tanda: I'm hungry, anyone want to go for snacks?

(Forrester is staring at the camera, smug. Frank holds a weird looking device- something like a shredder with a vacuum extension.)

Forrester: Well, Joel, I devised a little test to see how your IQ is holding up. Did you finish the little project I gave you?

(Joel is sitting back from his computer, holding a device that simply looks like an old rotary telephone with a speaker where the dial once was.)

Joel: Yes, Sir... but since I can't leave the thirteenth floor...

Forrester: (smug) Stop whining. Tell me about your invention!

Joel: Okay... Everyone who listened to their English teacher in high school during creative writing knows that the first rule is "Show, don't tell."

Forrester: Quit stalling, show us the invention.

Joel: Okay... I call this the Show-Tell converter. It takes any scene that 'tells' what is going on in a story and converts it into a scene that 'shows' what is going on.

Joel squints at the monitor, raises the headpiece to his ear and mouth, and begins to read: "The city had no name. It was customary among the Ninjetti to refer to natural landmarks rather than manmade ones; thus, a traveler bound for a city beside Illura Falls would speak of going to the falls, not to the city itself."

(The machine whirrs, and a tinny voice begins to speak)

Invention: Zordon asked his uncle: What's the name of this city?" The elder replied. "It has no name, the Phaedans value nature over man made structures." The uncle smiled. "Weren't you paying attentions to your lessons, or mooning over your girlfriend?"

Forrester: (Grudgingly) That's rather impressive.

Joel: Want to see it in reverse?

Forrester: (grumpy) No. I want to show you my invention.

Joel: Okay.

Forrester: My invention is rather similar to yours, perhaps we were both inspired by this week's fan fic... This is the Tell Stripper.

Frank: (off camera) Tail Stripper?

Forrester: That's not what I meant. Shut up, Frank! (collects his thoughts) You take any story whatsoever and put it into the machine... (looks off set) Frank, the story please.

Frank: (With a cheesy grin, staring at the camera) This is In Time, by Kristen Murphy. (Shows handful of papers. He puts it into the vaccum extension, there is the sound of machinery whirring.

Forrester: Very good, Frank. (Turns back to Joel) The machine strips out any 'Tell' in the story, leaving only the action, the dialogue... in essence, the 'Show'.

(Frank is trying to grab all the shredded bits that come out the other end. Finally he sees one purple strip exit the machine and the sound stops.)

Forrester: Read the new story, Frank. Let us Marvel at the new, improved In Time, by Kristen Murphy... and Dr. Clayton Forrester...

Frank: (puzzled as he reads the thin strip.) "The-- End?"

Joel and the IA all share stunned, puzzled looks.

*beep*

Joel: (startled.) We've got Mail!!!

---

Tanda: ...think the story was definitely improved by Dr. Forrester's machine...

Spyder: Yeah, but we're still stuck with the unabridged version...

Joel: Shhh, the fic is back...

Everyone at the table was silent for a moment as they contemplated the news. It was hard to accept that the peace they had known for so long could be so suddenly and unexpectedly violated.

Spyder: I feel violated by this fic.

Tanda: Think about the original author.

Not for the first time since he had heard this news, Zordon found himself thinking of the speeder accident which had killed his father three years earlier. He thought of the Aquitian farmers who had been alive one instant and dead the next, without warning, without preparation. Zordon knew that death could come like lightning from the sky-

Spyder: -and he wished it would come for him before he had to finish this fic-

but the thought of someone deliberately causing it to happen, of violence that destroyed entire families, filled him with anger and a sense of deep betrayal.

Spyder: And no one does it better than the author.

<<What is it, kiariyr?>> He heard Kesmira's voice inside his head.

Spyder: (As Zordon)  << Our lives are a sham, we're all two dimensional fic people I'm ending it all! >>

Joel: I didn't know you could do that.

Spyder: Only once for the gag. It sucks.

He didn't answer, but looked steadily for a moment into her beautiful blue eyes. Right now they held concern for him and distress at Caleth's news, but beyond that something about them was serene and untouched. 'Mira knew nothing of death, he thought.

Joel: But we could fix that.

She had never lost anyone close to her. And although she could read his heart as if it were her own, the betrayal he felt was one thing he didn't believe she could truly understand.

Spyder: Neither would the author of this fic.

<<Zordon?>> she ventured again.

He projected her a vague sense of reassurance, the telepathic equivalent of a shrug, and tried to smile. 'Mira looked unconvinced.

Tanda: I know that look. That's the look you get right after he asks: "Was it good for you?"

(Joel and Spyder glare at Tanda.)

Tanda: What?

Meleda ended the brief silence. "Is Aquitar recovering?"

Joel: It's a planet...

"Most of the victims were beyond recovery," replied Caleth sadly.

Spyder: (Freaks) JUST SAY THEY ARE DEAD!!!

Joel: (pats the computer.) It's okay Spyder. More than half way.

Spyder: (Wide eyed and panting)

"They're getting things cleaned up at the attack sites, though. It would be going faster, but those Aquitians are too damned self-reliant to accept Alliance help. Of course, that hasn't stopped Lord Hethyr from launching his own investigation."

Joel: God, that could be any Alliance. Babylon 5 Earth Alliance, the Rebel Alliance...

Spyder: (Recovers some) The Alliance of Plumbers Against Removing Crappy Fics.

Tanda: See, he'll be okay.

Joel: No plumber would touch this fic for sure.

Despite the grim subject, Nathen couldn't help but smile a little at the mention of his kiariyr. "How is Kiyrs?" he asked.

Tanda: (blinking) Was that a male/male reference?

Spyder: Maybe, but it was vague at best.

Tanda: Like this whole damned fic.

Joel: Wait, His (Mangles pronouceation) "Kiarear" is spelled Kiyrs?

Spyder: By KRIsten Murphy.

Tanda: She is the center of her universe.

Caleth smiled wryly. "Furious with himself for not knowing about this sooner. He was gone for Aquitar the instant we heard."

"How could he have known?" Meleda pointed out. "Korim has so many concubines, he's probably been keeping a dozen sons tucked away."

Tanda: That was a visual I did NOT need.

"Well, don't tell that to Kiyrs, or he'll go tearing the universe apart until he finds them all," said Nathen. Only Nathen knew the atrocities Kiyrs Hethyr had once suffered at the hands of the Khogar. Nowadays, the head of Eltarian defense took every Khogar attack personally.

Joel: Another buyout atempt thwarted.

Spyder: Donald Trump has a nasty temper.

"He's already determined to find this one," said Caleth grimly, "and I pity Prince Zedd when he does."

Spyder: Yeah, he'll probably horrify everyone by skinning him alive!

Tanda: What?

Spyder: Zedd... aw, nevermind.

Kesmira shivered as the uneasy feeling raced up her spine again.

Spyder: Must-- Escape-- Sucky-- Fan- fic!!!

She sought out Zordon's stormy gaze, and this time she could tell he felt it, too.

Spyder: By the warmth on her breast, she could tell what he was feeling...

Joel: (Looks at Spyder, then shakes his head) Must be a bug.

Spyder: Her breast?

Tanda: That's not my belly button...

The house was slow to give up its heat,

Spyder: Like a body after rigor mortis set in.

and after supper Zordon retreated with 'Mira to the blessedly cool outdoors. The twin moons cast a refreshing silvery light over the small front garden and threw sharply defined shadows all over the ground.

Spyder: Ow!

Joel: You okay, what happened?

Spyder: I stepped on a sharply defined shadow!

Joel: You would think with twin moons there would be tidal forces ripping this planet apart...

Tanda: Joel, you've been reading this too long. Say it with me: This is fanfic there is no logic.

Spyder: There is a kind of logic. A kind of cartoon, bass-ackwards desparate college girl trying to impress guys kind of logic.

Joel: Eww. Even I'm not that desparate.

Distant sounds came from the house behind them,

Tanda: The orgy had begun.

Spyder: Followed by the murders and the blood painted on the walls!

where conversation went on as Dulcea cleared the table, but the two older teens were silent as they perched together on a large rock in the garden.

Spyder: Since they were perched, they decided to start whistling bird calls...

Tanda: Booby birds.

Kesmira pulled her knees up to her chest and sat with her bare toes peeking out from under her long purple gown.

Tanda: It made her actually look like she had breasts with her knees tucked that high.

Spyder: What does that make her bare toes?

All: (stop and look at each other) EWWWW!!!!

Joel: Centauri!

Her ebony hair had taken on a bluish sheen in the moonlight,

Spyder: It crawled off her alien head and took on a life of it's own as it slithered into the rocks.

Tanda: Gross Spyder, you are starting to talk like the author.

Spyder: (Starts to scream uncontrollably.)

Joel: (Sternly.) Tanda, you wouldn't want me to download some plug and pray shareware would you?

(Tanda bites her lip as Spyder continues to scream.)

Joel: (Nudges Spyder with the mouse.) "She didn't mean it Spyder."

(Spyder glares at them both and turns his back on Tanda.)

Joel: (Waves her toward Spyder.) Go on.

Tanda: (Sighs) Sorry Spyder.

Spyder: I-- Can't hear you...

Joel: (Nudges Spyder.) C'mon.

Spyder: Oh, okay!

Joel: (Sighs.) Now can we get back to the fic?

(Both AI grumble.)

Joel: It's almost over.

(The AI sigh and nod.)

and even her golden-tanned features seemed pale. Beside her, Zordon looked like a thin, silvery spirit with his fair skin and blond hair shining against his dark-colored clothing. His changeable eyes were dark, though, and troubled.

Spyder: It was time for them to be changed for fresh ones...

"What's bothering you?" Kesmira asked softly. "It's more than what happened on Aquitar."

Joel: It's that ingrown nail...

Spyder: (croaking) No, it's your mother's cooking (sound of falling on the floor)

Zordon shrugged, a bit uncomfortably. "I just can't stop thinking."

Spyder: About your hot bod... (retching noises)

Tanda: About your dad...

'Mira smiled to herself. That was hardly unusual. "What are you thinking about?" she asked gently. When Zordon got into these moods the only thing that helped was to coax it out of him.

Joel: Who actually uses an apostrophe in their "nickname"?

Spyder: Sleemo MarySue Fanfic authors that's who!

He said nothing for several moments, only stared off toward some unknown spot in the garden. Finally he turned his head toward her and met her gaze with his dark grey eyes. "Everything's changing," he nearly whispered. "Everything at once. Time goes so fast-"

All: (Singing) When you're having fun... just another Manic Monday...

Something in his voice made Kesmira ache to take him into her arms and comfort him. Instead she questioned softly, "What's changing?"

Tanda: Me... like... like I'm not interested in girls, and when I see your Dad my pants-

(Joel nudges Tanda with the Mouse. Tanda blows rasberries at Joel.)

"Everything. Like- like Lex.

Spyder: Did he say, "Sex?"

Tanda: No because that would be INTERESTING!

Joel: Are you sure?

Tanda: (Considers.) Dogs mating has more appeal than this fic.

He's the Masked Rider now. He's different. I don't think most people could tell, but he is."

Tanda: (As Zordon) I know because I've HAD him.

He gave a soft, contemplative laugh. "You should have seen the way all those diplomats were talking to him, like he was running the planet already. And he answered all their questions just like he was one of them."

"Zordon, he is a genius." Lexien was, in fact, the most intelligent person she had ever met.

Joel: With an IQ of 50, that's impressive...

Spyder: It's got a five in it...

"I know that. But he's a child. We're all children. We're fifteen, 'Mira."

Joel: (Gags) When I was fifteen I wasn't a child.

Tanda: Well when your parents are hundreds of years old...

Spyder: shouldn't they still be in diapers.

Tanda: That's a fic I'm not going to touch.

That didn't seem to require a response.

Joel: No but this fic has a lot to answer for.

Zordon fell silent for a moment and then continued in a seemingly unrelated vein.

Spyder: OPEN ANOTHER ONE!

"I had a dream about it," he said. He looked down at his feet clad in soft black boots. He was sitting flat on the rock with his legs hanging over the edge, not quite touching the ground. "I dreamed that I was coming back from a training session at Master Barza's cottage, and the sun was shining and the wind was blowing over the meadows-

Spyder: And Toto was there, and the Tin man...

and when I came over the last hill and looked down to where Elaria should be- it was gone. It was burned and lying in rubble, all the buildings- And the people- the people were just gone. Mother and Uncle Caleth and everyone- the city was empty. And I was all alone." His voice was haunted.

Spyder: And I even killed the women and children, but you still love me, right, Amidala?

Joel: Wrong genre, Fanboy.

Spyder: (Still caught up in himself.) I killed them ALL! And you're next!

Tanda: No, Zordon, get the author, the author!!!

"Oh, love-" Kesmira slipped her left hand into his right and held it tightly. Her eyes were moist with tears, although Zordon's were dry and distant. <<You are never alone,>> she told him fiercely.

Spyder: Why not? Go away. Leave me alone... Noooooo!

"It could happen so easily," the boy continued.

Tanda: I show you mine, you show me yours...

His voice was far away and thoughtful. "One strike from the Khogar, or someone else- one rogue asteroid- one incurable bacterium- everything could be gone. And I wonder-" He never said what he wondered.

All: WHEN WILL THE FANFIC END?!

<<Kiariyr?>> 'Mira prompted when Zordon lapsed into silence. She shifted position so that she was sitting cross-legged on the rock and turned toward Zordon,

Tanda: Man, positions that include rocks just are NOT my thing.

who hadn't moved. She was still holding his hand.

Joel: Squeezing the life out of it, crushing the bones...

"We're rushing toward something," he said.

Spyder: Is it the end of the fic??

He sounded more present now. "Maybe not the end, but something. We're moving toward it faster and faster. But we're still children. We're not ready."

"Everyone is a child, love. No one is ready. But we can't stop time. We have to live anyway and take what comes."

Unidentified source: (reteching noises)

Tanda: Alien C--

Joel: (Mutes Tanda quickly and she glares at him. He clicks it back on.) Behave or you stay off.

"I suppose." They sat in silence for a moment, punctuated only by the rustling of some small animal in the foliage. After a while, Zordon slipped his hand out of 'Mira's and reached for an object at his side. It was his precious Eltarian flute that he always carried with him:

Tanda: (As Kesmira) Damn, and I thought you were happy to see me...

a slender instrument hand-carved of dark wood and inlaid with gold and rich green enameling.

Spyder: (Snorts) do you know what crap that would sound like carving the resonation out of it?

Joel: Like the rest of the fic?

Tanda: Could we just carve the author?

Zordon raised the flute to his lips and played a few experimental notes. The instrument's tone was high and clear and blended into the moonlight.

Joel: Sound blending into moonlight? Someone throttle her English teacher.

Tanda: She has a degree.

Spyder: Universities just don't have enough funding these days.

He paused for a moment, letting the nighttime silence seep back around them, and then took up the tune again with slight variation.

Spyder: In comes Tommy Oliver in a big bad hat and a goofy grin...

Joel: No, not Piper!

Spyder: Maybe he could lure the storyline back.

Tanda: You're BOTH Fan boys!

(Joel and Spyder glare at her.)

Kesmira closed her eyes as she listened to the haunting melody that seemed to be spun from the moonlight. She breathed deeply of the cool night air, opened her eyes, and began to sing.

Tanda: But instead, a horrendous screeching like a tortured cat exploded from her mouth.

Spyder: Did the cat explode from her mouth too?

Joel: (Shrugs) Why not?

Tanda: On Phadeos no one can hear you sing.

Joel and Spyder: We wish!

Somewhere in the darkest night
Peace will come as the spirit flies
As you weave a spell by another name
Snow falls with the summer rain

Then I will come to you, my love
With the passing of the days
And I will set you free each time your heart is bound in chains
Innocents and wise men can somehow be the same
And you and I will take our place in time
And find a way to fly

Spyder: Zordon's ears began to bleed.

Tanda: This is idoitic, she's singing an EARTH song. In ENGLISH!

Joel: Tanda, This is Fanfic, there is no logic...

(Tanda growls.)

Her clear soprano voice soared with the flute, weaving an almost tangible web of melody around them.

Spyder: Yeah, web! It tightens and cuts off their air flow, killing them. THE END!

Joel: Hang on, buddy, it's almost over.

The moonlight seemed to draw in like a veil, dividing them from the world outside. It was something light and delicate, but powerful in a way that could only be felt and not described.

Joel: Like that pizza I ate last night.

For a fragile, crystalline moment, everything seemed suspended, and the young man and the girl and the twinned Phaedan moons were all one Being bound by light. Then the moment passed and time flooded in again.

Spyder: The moment passed out from the terrible screeching and time tried to drown them all!

Zordon laid the flute gently across his lap and sat gazing up at the moons as the last notes faded away into the night. He looked unearthly in the moonlight,

All: DUH! HE'S AN ALIEN!!!

with his hair a lambent halo and his eyes gleaming silver. "What do you want to do, 'Mira?" he asked.

Spyder: WooHoo! Action!!

His voice was low and very calm. "What do you want to be?"

Tanda: (As Kesmira) A NUN! Get me away from you!

Joel: Haven't Had "Nun" don't want "Nun".

Spyder: At least not with her!

Kesmira felt her entire soul ringing with Power and the bond between them. Her indigo eyes fairly glowed as she spoke the answer he already knew. "I want to be with you. I want to live as a Ninjetti and serve this Power always-" she nodded at the moons- "and I want to have a family and raise them to do the same."

Tanda: (makes gagging noises) Join the modern era, the Feminine Revolution was a long time ago, honey!

"Do you think you'll get that chance?"

"Yes." Her voice was certain. "Don't you?"

"I don't know." He shivered suddenly in the moonlight. "I feel- I feel as though time is shorter than we think- like before we know it, before we've even begun, it'll all be over. Sometimes- I feel old. I know that's ridiculous."

Spyder: Welcome to the fic honey.

He was all of fifteen, and Eltarians measured their lifetimes in millennia.

Tanda: Uhg. No wonder this thing is dragging.

"Maybe not," Kesmira offered. "The Master Mystic says that time is all subjective. It depends on our own perceptions."

Joel: The Master Mystic? The author?

Tanda: God?

Spyder: The Author *thinks* she's God...

"I know that," Zordon replied. It didn't make him feel any better.

Spyder: Nothing would make him feel better until her blood ran through his fingers...

"But she also says that this is the only realm where time exists. The deeper reality beyond this life is eternal and timeless. It's all one infinite moment that encompasses everything, made up of truths that cannot be altered. The mystics' task is to live in harmony with those truths, even as they walk in the world of time."

Joel: Don't trip!

Spyder: Unless you plan to fall off the cliff.

"Master Barza says that, too. I can draw on that Power, but I don't think I really understand it."

Spyder: That's because you're not artistic, you don't draw, you scribble.

"Maybe we can't understand it- at least not here, in this realm. Maybe we just need to know that it's true."

"Maybe." Her confidence warmed him, but Zordon still felt unsure. He had never been able to rely as completely on faith as 'Mira could. He could call the earth's own fires to his hand

Spyder: The force! Can I make an Amidala reference now?

or weave melodies that bent the very fabric of existence,

Tanda: That's not all that's "bent".

but in the course of daily life the wonder behind those mysteries all too often eluded him. Never 'Mira. That was who she was, deeply and joyfully in tune with every aspect of life. Sometimes he envied her that faith- other times when her soul touched his,

Spyder: It always left a ring in the tub.

that joyful trust became his own. He thought that was what he loved most about her.

Spyder: I'm gonna be sick.

"Zordon?" Kesmira asked after a moment. "What do you want to be?"

Spyder: A NUN-

He sighed and looked into her eyes. "I don't know. I used to believe I would have time to decide. But now- I think it might be decided for me, and that's frightening. I don't know what the outcome will be, or how I'm going to feel about it."

"The outcome's not important," 'Mira told him. Her deep blue eyes fixed him with an incontrovertible gaze, and he could feel the strength of her belief flowing into him. "What matters is who you are. You are Zordon, whatever happens, and I love you. Always, kiariyr.

Joel: Why do all these space authors come up with fancy names for soulmates: Imazadi, stuff like that.

Spyder: Because in Navajo it means "Dances with Buffalo Chips"

And that bond was forged outside the realm of time. Whatever happens here cannot touch what we are."

Spyder: Except a Soulreaver, and they are coming for you Kesmiria. (Laughs evilly. The other two stare.) What?

Zordon reached up to brush her face with his pale fingers. "Truly, kiariyr?" It was an irresistible, but frightening hope.

Spyder: The hope that this author will never write again!

<<Truly. No matter what the future brings, we are one.>>

Spyder: One big pile of vomit.

He smiled softly. <<I love you, 'Mira.>>

She smiled back and pulled him to her in a kiss. <<I love you.>>

Tanda: (Gags) It only took fifteen pages to get to this part.

As time rushed on through the dark and quiet of the Phaedan night, the silver moons shone down their gentle blessing.

Spyder: Two big silver guys in the sky mooned the whole story! (makes raspberry noises)

Tanda: That's Ebert and Roper... they gave this fic two farts down...

Kesmira's song is "Nimue's Lament" by Alkaemy.
"In Time" is dedicated to Bre for her 21st birthday.

Spyder: (imitating news reporter) Bri, on the day of her 21st birthday, was arrested for the brutal murder of her 'best friend'... An Eyewitness said "She read the fan fiction and just snapped..."

(Joel and the AI close the mail program and all stare at each other in silence a moment.)

Tanda: Why did we do this again?

Spyder: What?

Tanda: Why did we just sit through that E-mail? Why did we read the whole damn story? Why didn't we just report the mail as spam and delete it?

(They look at Joel, who has a sheepish grin on his face.)

Joel: Well...

*beep*

Forrester: Well, Boobies, well done, you survived your first Fan Fic and I'm very proud of you all. I just wanted you to know a few things. I heard what you said, Tanda, and I suppose I can be generous and tell you why you sat there like good little sheep.

(Frank wanders into the shot. He remains silent, but he waves.)

Forrester: Frank! (Sees Frank waving, glares.) Stop it! Come here. I want to explain things to these Silly Nillies.

Frank: (giggles) Silly Nillies...

Forrester: (looks at the camera) You understand the concept of nanotechnology? Joel, all the food you have been eating since we locked you in has nano-bots in them, microscopic mechanical beings that I control. They have different chores, some take readings, some monitor life signs, the usual in experiments like this. Some, however, have attached themselves to vital organs. One press of a button, and... well... let me show you. (He looks at Frank) Frank... hand me that little box with the red button.

Frank: (gives device) Here ya go.

Forrester: (Takes device) Good. Now go stand across the lab... behind the... yes...

Frank: (wanders off screen. There are several thunking noises.) Here?

Forrester: Perfect. (Turns back to face camera.) Now, Joel... All I have to do is turn the dial... (he turns the red button) and then push.

(Of screen noise. Frank yells and there is a large explosion.)

Joel and the AI: Ewww...

Forrester: You see, your name is on this device. You will behave, I assume.

Spyder: (Looks at Joel) That sucks.

Forrester: And you AI... during your little musical number, I imbedded a Virus into the last part of the mail transmission. You will all be wiped out if you don't behave.

Tanda: Great. All tied up and no-one to... (suddenly stops) Ow... ow... what is that... hurts...

Forrester: Just a little example. Behave, Tanda.

(Tanda just Glares)

Forrester: I'll deal more with you later... I have to replace Frank's heart before it's too late. (Mutters) And I got to push the button myself...

*end transmission*

Reprise the theme song, and roll the credits.