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51
Once again I sit down to write
Nothing..no wrong no right
Something good something bad
Thinking these thoughts so sad
I feel alone yet I know I'm not
Being loved, liked, misses a lot
I find nothing but joy and happiness
As if this pool of damnation found bliss
I travel the circle the weel
I try to know how to feel
How to act when the lines cross
How to act when those come to a loss
But I just know that what is only temporarely
Gone will be found oh so eagerly
Therefor I hurry onwards with great faith
For the living light I will wait
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52
Feeling vibrant and alive
Stirred by feelings to dive
Into the unknown
Falling like a stone
Yet feeling tingling and light
Into the darkness so bright
Questions haunt my mind
Answers I cannot find
Knowing without knowing
Falling while flying
I will not touch ground
Untill I have found
You
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53
Keeping up appearences
Bright and smiling faces
To those close to me
Not feeling free
Yet I don't want them thinking
That I am slowly sinking
Away in the tar
Wanting to flee so far
I do not dare to utter
The thoughts I need to stutter
Not feeling in place
Knowing not how to exit the maze
Trapped
Cornered
Masks to be unveiled
Only delayed
Falling is what I am
Catch me is what you can
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54
Eyes widen
I can feel
I can see
Breathing heavy
Tingling
The rush
It's bursting out
And I
So need this
I did this
I can feel my blood pumping
I can see my blood rushing through my veins
Needing space
Igniting proximity
I am burning
I weep
Motionless
I don't dare to let go
Night envelops me whole
Powerless
I weep once again
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55
Seated, knees tucked in close
I rock back and forth, thinking
A plain of emptiness, save a single rose
My eyes in tears, never blinking
Words simple yet oh so true
Groveling at thy presence
I could die for you
Nothing to offer
Nothing to say
Nothing to do
How can I be of interest to you
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56
Seeing with eyes
The things that be
The most simplests of tasks
Are done better than me
By others, with greater flair and ease
With still lives ahead, choices to make
I wonder what purpose I am to please
For truly I see none
Sacred, kept close to my chest
Futily
Yearning to give it a rest
Elaborate expressions shining light
Seeing my reflection
I truly am the ooze of blight
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57
Hence, once more I start to ponder
About the things that make me wonder
Such as who I might be
What makes me feel free
If only I knew
If only
Tears building
Behind sight
Yet the taste
I sample
So bitter
So sweet
I can not focus
I am at a loss
This maze
More than I can take
Need help
Need comfort
Closer than I can imagine
Yet further away than want
I yearn
I weep
No avail
Yet I will prevail
A line
So fragile
So thin
So strong
Given to me
Received with open arms
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58
Chrushing this pillow
As its' life seeps away
I'm filled with sorrow
For I still miss you today
Feeling its' touch
Thinking it's you
Knowing it's not
So much to do
Sadness for being drained
Happiness to hear your voice
Compulsion hard to be maintained
Wondering about the choice
Rest
Sleep
Comforting thoughts
I will see clearly when I rise once more
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59
Left on the sideline
Watching the horde pass by
All different
All equal
And none do care
All hidden in their own
Own little little worlds
Far away from me
They pass me
Careless looks
Fake smile
They don't know me
They don't care
Mutual feeling
I don't belong here
They are my kind
Yet not
I'm alone
Left here
Right here
These urges
My wants
My needs
Trampled
Ignored
Hurting
And those who care
Are right there
On the other side
But to get a weapon
Slashing a path to reach them
I do not do
I do dare
I do want
I just can't
I just
Can't
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60
A waterfall of tears
Falling in the dark
Into the ocean
Where I bathe
A warm and gentle caress
To the skin
Soothing me
Ears within
Without noise
Without thoughts
Feeling my essence
Being wrapped within
The pool around
Comforting
Yet missing
Something
Someone
Drained of doubts
The water beckons
Happiness
A veil of lies
I wanna wake up
Get out of here
Done with all
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61
Stuck in this selfmade ooze
Caught in this pattern
A web woven by thoughts
My own did betray me
This mucus swallowed whole
And here there was
A brave one
Tossing a line
Offered more than hand
Reaching out
Solely for me
Not sure, doubt
Not for long
Grabbing with both hands
Pulled away
Lifted
Given wings
Rising above
I see
That which
Kept me
I see
She who
Rescued me
All I want
All I need
Here
Now
love
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62
At the mere thought of you
A smile is brought onto my face
I think of all possibilities to do
Everything in it's own place
Alone
Nothing
Did I see a glimpse before me
Did I hear a soothing voice
Was it but a sight of insanity
Was it but a distant noise
Nothing
Alone
Closed eyes
Shining sun
Cool breeze
And a smile
Alone
Together
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63
A sunny day
Lingering
On memories
Now I'm crushed by
Endless sorrow
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64
Why am I haunted
Am I taunted
Now with this wanting
Though needed with a passion
Thinking it the world
Only to discover the universe
Being one
Ever so far apart
Needing
Eagerly
Awaiting
Radically
Years did past
One moment no different
Unless it's eternity
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65
Claiming what little I had
Sanity lost
A desire uncontrolable
How to express
What silence did capture me
In awe
In the shadow
Behold
Perfection awoken
Stipping whole
Left dazed
A mere word
Volumes spoken
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66
A dream
Near reality
I fall a flight
Merely caressing my eyes
A fading memory so storng
Gone stll worshipping
Endlessly
Only I
Flying on wings
Yours to give
Ours to have
Unity
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67
ooze to dust
lifted by the soothing winds of fate
carried away high above mother earth
gently dropped by the four winds
whirling down in every corner
resting
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68
Salty eyes
swallen throat
how to become
a wish
inspiration
a dream
unreachable
reaching
failing
clinging to oneself
hiding
fading
away
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69
Torn between myself
I see the light
I see the night
I see the blight
I see the sight
And almost blinded
Standing in front of me
Knowing I'm not myself
Knowing I'm but myself
Believing everything
Believing nothing
And always
puzzled
Questioning
Doubting
Falling
Flying
I want
Yet not
I need
Not really
I yearn
Not always
Split in half
I'm not complete
Yet when whole
I'm contradicting
My own thoughts
Nothing remains
But to weep inside
Alone, with myself
Untill I die
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70
Waiting
Yearning
A voice
A hint
Small
Indifferent
It's there
For me
Reaching
To me alone
Touching
Carrying me
Somewhere safe
Somwhere warm
Far away
No cold
No silence
Far away
A tear
Happiness
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71
Ooze layed out
Overlooked
Ignored
Stepped on
No matter
High above
Luna is watching
Shining upon me
Smiling
Keeping me safe
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72
My possesions are fleeting
Memories, feelings, words
Precious and dear to me alone
Carried not even by the winds
Wanting to share
Knowing I did
Uncertain, confused
Despair
Reaching out to many
So many more shy
So draining to help all
So few to reach out for me
Hopeless
Save a spark
All I need?
I can't
Sooth my mind
My thoughts
My feelings
Closer even
An embrace
Eternal
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73
Sitting, watching
On rooftops above
Waiting, observing
The sight
The noises
The smells
All so new
Nothing changed
Waiting for that one
That special one
The anticipation
The excitement
The urge
The hunger
A sight, so far away
Unfocused yet oh so clear
Thrilled, shivering
Controlled, barely
Shadows, following
Closer, boiling blood
Not here, not now
It has to be
Perfect
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74
A sparkle in my eyes
A thought
More then that
Words remain hidden
For they cannot describe
The light I see
Surrounding me
In all it's glory
Taking my breath away
Having trouble to explain
How I feel
Solely for the radiance
That is you
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75
Cast away by purity
Shunning illumination
Slipping away
Into oblivions embrace
Cold to the touch
Silent from within
Aware of existence
Now more then before
Reaching beyond the flesh
Carressing more then objects
Experiencing life
As none can live
Interest waver
Quirks reinforced
Habbits shift
Actions deprave
Grown
Forever changed
Innocence lost
Never to return