Welcome To Hell
By Zeplerfer
Xena and Gabrielle approached the gates of hell. Instead of a place of fire and brimstone, hell resembled an orgy. The entire place was lit with candles and limbs flailed everywhere. Contrary to popular belief, there wasn�t a horn or pitchfork to be seen. A banner hung upon the wall, �Welcome to Hell� it said.
Gabrielle raised her eyebrows, �Shouldn�t it say Hades? Or Taurtarus?� Xena shrugged, �TPTB must have changed it somehow.�
�And what about reincarnation and karma?�
�We aren�t in India anymore��
�So, you�re saying the afterlife is made to suit where we are?�
�Basically, yeah.�
�Huh.� Gabrielle looked about her. �So, what do we do in hell?�
�Well,� Xena glances at the activities of the people near them, �I must say I have a few ideas��
Gabrielle gave her a saucy wink, �How about you show me?�
Meanwhile in Heaven...
Michael and another Archangel talked. �This doesn�t look good, Xena has become the Devil.�
�So, does this mean no more Xena: Christian Soldier episodes?�
�I�m afraid so.�
�Then how are we supposed to preach on WXP? How shall we reach into the black-spotted hearts of the pagans who watch it?�
�I guess we�ll just have to kill them all and let god decide.�
�That didn�t make any sense.�
�That�s why it�s called faith.�
�That made even less sense.�
�That�s why it�s called blind faith.�
�So, what are we going to do about Xena?�
�Oh, I think her blond girlfriend will keep her plenty busy��
Back in Hell�
Gabrielle let out a happy sigh. �I never imagined hell would be such a fun place. This is nothing like the torture Eve said it was.�
Xena curled next to her friend. �Who?�
�You know, your daughter.� Blank stare. �The Messenger of Eli�� Another blank stare. �The Bitch of Rome��
Realization dawned on Xena�s face. �Ooh yes, her. I�m so glad she�s gone, she was such a hassle for our relationship.�
Gabrielle smiled at Xena, �Yes, there�s no chance she�d come down here.� A shriek is heard in the distance. A demon drags Eve over to the couple.
�Speak of the devil�� Xena sighed. �What have I told you about interrupting me and Gabby during our private time?�
�Mother, worry not! I have come to save you!�
�Uh huh, you and what army?�
�I need not an army! I have my love and my goodness!�
Gabrielle stared at Eve, �Must you end every bloody sentence in an exclamation point? And why do you think Xena and me want to leave, or that Xena even needs an army to get her out of here?� She turned to Xena, �I think we should do the world a favor and get rid of this annoyance.�
Xena nodded. �Yes, she definitely annoys me, so, what do you think we should do to her?�
Gabrielle smirked, �Well, we could show her what we do during our private time��
She slowly rose like a minx and beckoned Xena to dance. Xena took Gabrielle�s hand and drew her close and began to caress her cheek.
Eve took one look at them and fainted. Gabrielle laughed at her, �Well that didn�t take long.�
Xena started to spin Gab again, �Who cares about her? Let�s finish this dance��
A few hours later�
Gabrielle noticed as Eve regained consciousness. She bent over Eve, �Have I ever told you I think you�re awfully cute? You know, you do look a bit like your mother��
Eve jumped up, �Oh my god, get away from me! The power of Eli compels you! The power of Eli compels you!�
�Psyche. It is so fun to be evil.�
Xena approached them, �Gabrielle, what have I told you about torturing the prisoners?�
Gabrielle sighed, �Right, right, I remember,� She pull a fish-statue out of her bodice. �Always use one of these.� She thwacked Eve on the head so she again crumpled to the floor.
�You know, I�m supposed to question her first��
Gabrielle smiled, �Ooops.�