The Epic Limerickby Zeplerfer Yes, you read that correctly, this is a Xena fanfic in the form of a limerick! One day I decided it would be amusing to put Xena's story into one big limerick, an EPIC limerick in fact. First I thought to finish it all then post, but I realized it was going to take me awhile. So I'll be adding to it over time. New additions are in purple. Pre-Seasons: The Marauding Years (Aka Xena With a 'tude Problem) This is Xena's story, Mind you it's gory. In this it can be read, How she went from bad to good to dead. And on her way discovered love and glory. There once was a warlord named Xena. Among warlords, there was none meaner. She loved to ransack and pillage, And to ruin many a village. She was detested by all who had seen her. (In this one you have to pronounce Xena with a kiwi accent--zeener) Now, Xena wasn't bad from the start. Once she had had a heart. But her village was burned, And of evil she learned. That's when she and her heart did part. First she took to the seas, Conquering ships was a breeze! She thought she was savin' Amphipolis, her village, her haven. That changed when she met a roman sleaze. Caesar, Julius Caesar was his name. (That bond joke was pretty lame.) First he was a tease, Then he broke her knees. And to him she vowed to do the same. That day a new Xena was born, And the world she did scorn. She went on a rampage, With such anger and such rage, That those in her path could only mourn. Next she met her match, In Borias, who wasn't a great catch. But instead of killing each other, They made Xena a mother. And onto each other they did latch. (Ok, I don't like the last time, but the middle couplet is rather interesting.) Together they traveled to Chin, Where Xena found she liked women. She could have stayed with Lao Ma, But she didn't, pourquoi?!? Cause she's an idiot as we learned from FIN. (FYI: pourquoi is pronounced poor-qwa and it means "why" in French. It was the best I could do.) Soon she gave birth to her child, She knew a life with her would be wild. So she gave him to the centaurs, Who agreed to raise him as "ours" And give him a life nice and mild. Oh yeah, and Borias died. Not that anyone cried. He was stabbed in the back, And no one felt his lack. But maybe, maybe, Xena sighed. (Can you tell I'm not his biggest fan? Probably because nothing rhymes with Borias.) In Norseland she met Odin hanging in a tree, Wallowing in horrible misery. She taught him about life, (She did so enjoy causing strife between him and his wife) And made him as bloodthirsty as she. After awhile she met goody-two-shoes Herc. She sure thought he was a jerk. So she corrupted his friend. Into hate she wanted them to descend, To drive both of them berserk. Instead she Herc forgave, And she he even tried to save. Her heart he wished to mend, But Xena just didn't comprehend, And she tried to send him to his grave. (Yes the first two are worded weird, but hey, this is a limerick, it doesn't have to have the bestest grammar ;) Then for the sake of a child, Her maternal instincts were riled. She understood what Herc meant, As she ran the gauntlet. Xena and her heart had been reconciled. Season One: The Feeling Bad About "the Marauding Years" Years (Aka Xena trying to become a Dark *Nice* Chick) She tried to give up the way of the fighter, But burying her armor made her guilt no lighter. When slavers came by they could only stare, As Xena kicked their asses in her underwear, And picked up a sidekick who wanted to be a writer. At first having a sidekick was hard, Gab was a sweet, if annoying, bard. And she tended to become a kidnapee, Whom Xena would have to go and set free. But she could heal a heart that was marred. They traveled spreading good, And did all they could. Xena wanted her past redeemed. As impossible as that seemed, Gabrielle understood. They came upon Amazons being harassed, Who fought with bravery unsurpassed. Gabrielle protected their leader at her death, And she with her last breath, Gave Gab her right of caste. By right of caste Gab became an Amazon Princess, But this to Xena she didn�t confess. She began to learn how to fight with a staff, But try as she might at first the �zons could only laugh, Soon her determination began to impress. Xena and Gabby swimming nude, Interrupted by men most rude! Gabby gets a bit high, When she talks, rocks reply, Nutbread is such a wonderful food :) Seems a man was ordered to do God's bidding, And things look quite forbidding. Xena and Gab stuck down a well, But soon everything's swell, Turns out God was only kidding. They continued on, With Gab a full-fledged �zon. They worked on their quest, To put Xena�s past to rest. But were slowed by her evil�s spawn. Back in Xena's warlording days, She'd burned a village and in the haze, A girl saw her family die and learned hate, Which she thought Xena's blood would sate. To bad she didn't know vengeance never pays. (Sure it's cheesy, but it ryhmes dammit!) When she was grown, Callisto took on Xena's name, She wished to give her a certain "fame." Then she sent a wanna-be after Gabrielle. If the bard kicked his ass it was just as well, Because all considered Joxer pretty lame. Now Joxer is not someone to fear. All he can do well is leer. First Gab tweaked his nose, Then she banged his toes, And knocked him on his rear. Callisto captured Gabrielle nonetheless, Knowing it would cause Xena such (delicious) distress. They fought high in the air, With agility and with flair, Until Xena defeated her with finesse. They showed Joxer the error of his ways. But if you�ll forgive the phrase� It�s true what they say, For a good deed one does sometimes pay. You see, Gab had caught Joxer�s gaze. He decided to tag along, And make them listen to his awful song. He thought he could be Xena�s sidekick. (Notice how he ain�t very quick.) And he thought he could do no wrong. They ditched Joxer somewhere along the way, But got caught in a war's fray, Like an episode of MASH, They watch hopelessly as fighters clash; They try to heal while others slay. Gab is hurt and joins the ranks of those she tried to heal. Xena grows more frantic as she refuses to simply "deal." A pounding on the chest, Puts her fears to rest. It takes near death for Xena to show she really does feel. Season Two: The "When will they ever get rid of Joxer?" Years (Aka me Wishing Xena was a Dark Mean Chick to Joxer) Xena visits the centaurs who complain, But she manages to explain. She hasn't come for Solan, Nor for the stone she once wished stolen, But to redeem her past by helping it remain. While protecting the centaur's arcane stone, She meets Solan who has greatly grown. He looks at her with hate and disgust, But by saving the stone she gains his trust, One more sin she has worked to atone. Xena saves the fates' shrine, So they do her a favor divine, And send her elsewhere in time, Where she has never committed a crime. A return to innocence most fine. In this world Gabrielle is a slave, Whom Xena must, of course, save. But she then proves this world is indeed another, For she falls in love with Xena's brother! A return to Gabrielle is now what Xena does crave! After a bit of a blood spill, (Not even a full kill...) Xena quickly returns all to as it was before. And she and Gab restore their "rapport." Great! Of red-shirt loving Gab I've had my fill. Joxer gives Xena the head, Of a fella who's somewhat dead. He says she has to save the world (what a surprise!) From all the mean and nasty bacchaes. Else they'll go about spreading dread. Their plan goes awry, When Gab is turned to a bacchae. She gives Xena a bite sure to stun, ;) (Truly, girls just want to have fun.) Then they kiss Bacchus good-bye. (Ok, I liked this ep so much I did a couple more limericks, even though there is a bit of overlap) Girls just wanna have fun, But are careful to avoid the sun. A bachae's sensuous bite, Incites salacious delight. Fangs leave a hickey not to be outdone ;) Girls mix work and play, Gonna kiss then slay. Even Bacchus' wolf-ladies, Can't save him from Hades. But first, Gab's Xena buffet ;) Next we meet Gabrielle's first red-shirt, Perdicus, her hometown flirt. He asks her to marry him, And she agrees on a whim. Xena merely looks really hurt. Xena and Gab share a last kiss, But Perdicus doesn't see what's amiss! He asks with whom she has "been," To his relief she replies no men. Can you say "clueless"? (Ok, you'll have a few incorrect pronounciations in this limerick to get it to rhyme. But at least I don't have to resort to foreign languages!) Again we meet Calisto, Xena's bitter and ancient foe, Who has determinedly fought, To bring Xena her just lot: A life of sorrow and woe. To this end she tries to capture Gabrielle, What better way to send Xena to hell? Oops! She killed Gab's spouse. Xena sure doesn't grouse, Guess Cal ain't doing so well. Gabrielle is filled with overwhelming hate, She goes to kill Cal but is caught and used as bait. Xena kicks Cal's ass in a fight a la Ben Hur, Uh oh, quicksand! Cal's death causes quite a stir. So, does this mean Gab is no longer straight? At first it seems that Joxer the dim, Has actually gotten Xena to like him. But his new gal is merely a Xena look-alike, Meg and Xena are very much unlike. Although neither is proper or prim. What's this? Another Xena duplicate? It seems Xena has to make herself into bait: She hides as a lady, To find out what's shady. (As an actress Lucy is simply great!) Xena doesn't have to wait long, To find out what's wrong. Then it's off with the disguise! Make the bad guys say their good-byes. And it doesn't even require a harp song ;) It's happily ever after in the end, Each Xena-clone gets a boyfriend. I hope Meg keeps Jox away, For many, many a day... As for Xena, she has her best-"friend." ;) Two wise fates in disguise, Bearing a Solstice surprise. They teach the meaning of joy To one who seeks it only to destroy. A Christmas Carol they want to revise! Deck the halls with Solstice toys, 'Tis the season Gab enjoys, Fa-la-la-la-la! Go Xe-na! Whack them bad boys! Noooo! Xena felled by a tree! But no matter how Gab might plea Xena's talking a walk in the land of the dead. Have the fates finally cut her thread? Yeah right, Xena'll be back, I guarantee. Xena's looking for a body in which to reside, It's interesting looking at Auto from the inside. Gab thinks he's a thief, And treats him with disbelief. But with a war cry the body is belied! Xena and Gab keepin' it (sur)real, While Auto cops a feel. Swack--ouch! Xena, no need to be a grouch! See if Auto ever again helps you steal. Time for an ambrosia snack, Oh no, Velasca attack! Holding to the rope, Holding onto hope. Guess who�s BACK! Now to spend a day in the life, Xena & Gab act like a husband and wife, Hower can hopelessly wish, Just watch for flying fish! Subtext in this episode is *rife* Xena has a giant fight, And with the help of a kite, Fries the giant's wrath. Time for a bath! Everything's gonna be alright. Then they had the misfortune to meet bliss, A baby of love who tended to miss. He caused quite a confusion, But at the conclusion, Cupid fixed all that was amiss. Third Season: The Classic Years (Aka me Finally Accepting that Joxer ain't Going Anywhere) Just when I got used to the guy, Joxer finally goes bye-bye. Xena & Gab share a comforting hug, Sleeping together nice and snug. Oh subtext! My hopes were so high... Until they wake up the next day, Only to find it's yesterday. Joxer is sadly not dead, Xena thinks she's out of her head, Today is stuck on continuous replay. Xena's in a been-there, done-that daze, Her ability to pre-answer questions does amaze. Joxer's not a quickie, But even he notices the hickey, Is that what she meant when she said "Yes, both ways"? ;) Even Gab gets a chance to die, That day Xena is thrilled to retry. Finally she finds her way to tomorrow, But not without a bit of sorrow. It seems we're still stuck with Joxer, sigh. Xena wants to beat the Roman who best her, She's let her hate flourish and fester. But when victory is near, Black clouds appear. Meet Dayhak, God and child molester. Gone is Gab's blood innocence, She spent it in self-defense. A demon in the womb, The temple goes boom, And is Stonehedge forth-hence. Gab is still trying to cope, With her kill and demon-grope. Villagers call her evil, Town's in an upheavel. Does it faze Gab? Nope. They meet the round table, Gab gives birth in a stable. She thinks her demon-child, Will be tender and mild. Mixed metaphor? No, mixed fable ;) (Huge time leap!) Post-Seasons: The Dead Years (Aka Xena Being a Spirit Chick) She went to Japan with dread, There they cut off her head. First Gab was mad, Then she was sad. She wanted Xena, not a pot in her bed! (Or the alternate ending: She wanted Xena, not a dead hero instead!) So that's Xena's story, It sure was gory. Now you have read, How she went from bad to good to dead. And on her way discovered love and glory. |