So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! there! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched
>From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt
Within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
my poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who DOES she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine...
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say,
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped -- KER POW!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "without!!"
Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics.
If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine.
Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they're woefully unprepared.
But, you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:
Exercise 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
Exercise 3: (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breats snuggly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, have someone slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.
