Redneck Etiquette
PERSONAL HYGIENE
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DINING OUT
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
DATING (Outside the Family)
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
-- Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
