To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have succeeded 12 times.  The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
 

  1.  The sheets are clean..................................................................54 times
  2.  It's too late.................................................................................17 times
  3.  Too tired from shopping all day...............................................49 times
  4. It is too early..............................................................................20 times
  5.  It's too hot.................................................................................15 times
  6.  Pretending to be asleep............................................................15 times
  7.  The neighbors will hear us......................................................3 times
  8.  Headache...................................................................................22 times
  9.  Sunburn.....................................................................................7 times
  10.  Your Mother will hear us..........................................................9 times
  11.  Not in the mood.........................................................................43 times
  12.  You will wake the baby.............................................................17 times
  13.  Watching the late show.............................................................6 times
  14.  New hairdo.................................................................................5 times
  15.  Too sore.......................................................................................16 times
  16.  Wrong time of the month...........................................................36 times
  17.  Have to get up early....................................................................19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 of the times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afreaid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Love,

Your Loving Husband.

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did:
 

  1.  Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat......................15 times
  2.  Did not come home at all......................................................36 times
  3.  Did not come..........................................................................21 times
  4.  Came too soon........................................................................33 times
  5.  Went soft before you got it in................................................33 times
  6.  Toes cramped up....................................................................10 times
  7.  Working too late.....................................................................38 times
  8.  Have to get up early to play golf............................................29 times
  9.  Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls...................2 times
  10.  Caught "Herman" in your zipper............................................4 times
  11.  Burned your tongue on hot coffee...........................................3 times
  12.  You had a splinter in your finger..............................................2 times
  13.  Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.................16 times
  14.  Watching football on TV..........................................................98 times
  15.  Hemorrhoids flared up.............................................................10 times
 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.  What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.  The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!!!

Love,

Your Loving Wife
 

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