Answering Machine Humor
My wife and I can't come to the
phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get
back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the
phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please
send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading
a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes
into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle
of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in
time? Alas no, his valiant
effort is in vain. The bell
hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but
my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep." "Hello. I am David's answering
machine.
What are you?"
"Hi! John's answering machine is
broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her
answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up to the
phone.'
"Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through
their office and do not need
their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine
-this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After
the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling and a number
where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your
call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't
call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I
can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by
your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're
probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't
home and it's safe to leave us a
message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are
getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually
losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the
tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded
and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers
will be able to use the sound of
*your*
voice for literally thousands of
illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the
near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the
sound of the tone. Thank you.
Please leave a message. However,
you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used by us.
