Jim's Instant Heart Attack Soup

1 lb. dried beans (16 bean ham flavor is what I use. Any variety will
work
though.)
1/2 lb. bacon
1 large white onion
4 cloves fresh garlic
4 or 5 green onions
1 cup Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing (the secret ingredient)
1 splash of olive oil
1/2 tsp. garlic powder (for good measure)
1/2 tsp. ground cumin (for a little southwestern flavor)
A pinch or two of salt
A dash of ground black pepper
3 Tablespoons of Coffee Mate (helps to emulsify the oil)

Pick out any big chunks of dirt and then rinse the beans under cold
water
in a collander. 

Place the beans in a large 4 quart pan and fill with water. Bring the
water
to a rapid boil. Turn off the heat as soon as the water boils, and
cover
the pan after the boiling has ceased. Let the beans sit on the stove
for 1
hour, covered.

After 1 hour, drain off the pond scum that has collected in the pot,
put
the beans back in the collander and rinse the pot and the beans
thoroughly
again.

Return the beans to the pot and fill with water again till the pan is
almost full (leave about 1 1/2 inches). Add the olive oil, garlic
powder,
cumin, salt and pepper at this time. Bring the mix to a boil then
reduce
the heat to low until the beans are just simmering. Let simmer for
about 2
1/2 hours, stirring occasionaly.

After 2 1/2 hours chop the bacon into 1 inch pieces. Chop the white
onion
and garlic however you like it. Saute the bacon, onion, and garlic in a
frying pan until the bacon is almost cooked (not crispy!) and the
garlic
and onions are lightly tanned.

Add the sauteed bacon, onions and garlic to the soup along with some of
the
bacon grease (about a quarter cup). If you bought ham beans, add the
flavor
packet too.

Pour the rest of the bacon grease down the sink so it clogs your
drain...
Just kidding! Save it... give it to the cat... or whatever.

Mix the Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing (you did buy Hidden Valley didn't
you?) with about a cup of cold water and shake well (in a covered
container
of course!). Pour into the soup. 

Use a ladle (or similar soup-type-food dispensing device) and scoop out
about one cup of beans and broth. Put this into a blender or food
processor
and liquify it (use Super Turbo Mouse Shredding speed if you blender
has
it). Return this mix to the soup.

Simmer for about another hour or so and then serve with chopped green
onions on top.

Yield: A bunch of servings, a full days supply of grease and
cholesteral,
and most likely a trip to the ER with chest pains... damn good soup
though.