ACROSS the known galaxy there are many varieties of food; so many in fact, that the mighty computing centers of Zagulon Beta had this to say in their report on the late great food-census:

      "Wow. There really is a lot of this stuff."

Despite this huge variety of foods, there are but a few which have met near-universal acceptance. The most common are foodstuffs based upon hydrocarbons-with-an-attitude known as alcohols, including social stimulants such as Gin and Tonic, inebriants such as Beer, and genocidal anti-nervous-system agents such as Vodka and Red Bull.

The second most common group of foodstuffs are based upon a congealed mammary fluid substance known as 'Cheese'. Although the gourmet may be better acquainted with Quail a la Orange or Chocolate Moose, the appetite of the average person is most often presented with simpler (cheaper) dishes which have their basis in cheese.

The pinnacle of cheese technology, far above even the English cheese-flavored sandwich, the Swiss cheese-flavored fondue, and the French cheese-flavored cheese, is the Italian Pizza. Totally aside from being an awesome example of Earth-originated food, this is a technological marvel in its own right, having been invented during a period of unusually high technological achievement known as the 'Dark Ages', though it is thought that fore-runners of the modern day pizza were eaten by club-wielding Neanderthals during the great pack-rat exodus of Three Million BC.

A common method of serving normal meals is on a disc-shaped device known as a plate. The pizza does away with this, however, by building an edible plate substructure into the food itself. This pizza base is a type of pastry- or bread-like stuff made of a special type of dough called 'pizza dough'.

On top of this base, a tomato sauce is spread, for flavor, and in memory of all the brave tomatoes that have died to perpetuate the great pizza tradition. This is covered with a variety of toppings which include olives (hard green and black things that taste like olives, only saltier), cabanossi (sausage), pepperoni (sausage), capsicum (the green stuff that you pick off the pizza and drop into the box), mushrooms (ribbed fungi), sliced tomatoes (brave, self-sacrificing vegetables), ham (dead pig), and other delicious substances. Some tropical-island natives and an odd German chap have also been known to add pineapple, but this usually serves to make the pizza taste as though it has pineapple in it, so is not recommended.

Once all these ingredients have been added, in generous handfuls, to the base, they are covered by a huge pile of specially grated cheese, and then fused together in a pizza oven at extremely high temperatures. The disc-shaped result is then cut into a number of triangular segments which is never divisible by the number of people who will eat the pizza, and placed into a cardboard delivery package called a 'pizza box'.

Pizza should not be eaten within three minutes of removal from the oven, unless you are a masochist, in which case, you will enjoy the blisters on your tongue which typically last for several agonizing days. Pizza should not be left for more than eight minutes after removal from the oven, lest it degrade to too cool a temperature. Pizza is hoopy only when served hot, so that it is almost impossible to separate the portion of a slice in your mouth from the portion outside your mouth by merely biting at the cheese.

Never block the air hole of the pizza box with your hands, as this results in several undesirable effects:
A portion of your hand will become painfully hot, and you may be scarred for life
The aroma of the pizza will be trapped inside the box, so you won't be able to enjoy it
The pizza won't be able to breathe, and may suffocate to death.

Should your pizza become cold, there are three options open to you.
Reheating in a conventional oven, which dries the pizza out, making it delicious but unsatisfyingly crunchy,
Reheating in a microwave oven, which makes it hot, but disappointingly soggy and limp (just ask any woman - this is a terrible state of affairs)
Eating it cold, which is normally awful, but mystifyingly good for breakfast.

The best Pizzas in the Universe are to be found in Italy. However, in a few isolated regions of the galaxy, Italian nationals have managed to squeeze their 'pizzerias' between fast food joints and liquor shops, to bring the taste of Hot Pizza™ to their esteemed clients. Interestingly, the most successful appear to be those which lie directly between a university and a liquor shop.

In the fine tradition of real pizzarias, while you stand around waiting for your pizza to cook, you can listen to the dulcet tones of your sweaty host insulting his staff in Italian, and inhale the delicate aroma of pizza wafting past on the unconditioned, stuffy air. Ahhhh...

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© 1993-2001, Jason Williams

If you enjoyed this article, there are more of a similar ilk to be found in the archives of Project Galactic Guide, and h2g2.