HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as

a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we

are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes

containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar

mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that

goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more

you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they

can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage

cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What

wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy

lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the

sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your

beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over

the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and

hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django

Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have

installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a

hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic

floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading

mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is

ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on

crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength

of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to

disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the

handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a

battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is

dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not

otherwise found at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to

consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells

might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.

More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the

name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power

plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by

hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts

last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds

them off.