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Stupid Drivers Last updated 16 Aug 2003 Back to D'Singapore Scene
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Motoring section of The smarter the car, the stupider the driver Motor Mouth, by Leow Ju-Len Do you want to know why Michael Schumacher drives like such a plonker? It is because his Ferrari is so darn safe. When he crashed at the British Grand Prix in 1999, he broke his leg in two places. Had he performed the same drive into the tyre wall just 10 years earlier, he would probably have broken his head. Now, do you want to know why ordinary motorists like you and me drive like such plonkers? It is because our cards have become safer too. You take a new Mini and drive it stupidly into a wall at 64 km/h. Do you and your body would be thrown forward with around four tonnes of force. Yet all you would have to do is dust yourself off, wait for the insurance cheque to arrive and buy another car so you could do it again. Try the same move with the old Mini. Your next means of transportation would be a wooden box powered by six pallbearers. I am all for safer cars, but dangerous cars were a good way of culling stupidity from public roads. The modern car is now such a haven of security that drivers are lulled into the feeling that they can get away with the most appalling behaviour. This is why cars always swerve into motorcyclists. It is the survival of the safest. That being the case, one easy way to improve driving standards would be to take the safety out of cars. This is not as horrifying or irresponsible as it sounds. Turning cars back into deathtraps might actually make people wake up behind the wheel. That Mercedes-Benz driver might actually think twice about cutting into your lane. He might even be moved to use his indicators. Seat belts? Take them out of cars and put them to use in the bondage industry. That would soon eliminate tailgating, because all you would have to do when some exhaust breather pulls up so close behind you that he can see what radio station is playing is tap on the brakes. Side-impact protection should be outlawed, so that instead of slowing down for someone who shoots out of a side road without looking, you would accelerate. In fact, cars should be made like the old Ford Pinto, which tended to fare quite badly in rear-end collisions - it would explode whenever it was tapped from behind, because its fuel tank was mounted right at the back. If cars were turned into fiery trolleys each time their rear bumpers were nudged, that would get rid of road hogging quite nicely. Roads should be made deadlier too. The LTA (Land Transport Authority) ought to pay buxom women to stand near corners and drop their clothes randomly. That would cause doddering dirty old men as well as boy racers who drive on testosterone highs to crash, doing away with two of our roads' most dangerous user groups at a stroke. It would also bring a new significance to the warning sign, Dangerous Curves Ahead. But why stop there? You know those annoying chimes that start to ring whenever a taxi-driver exceeds the speed limit? Since taxi-drivers seem to have evolved cars that are deaf to the frequencies made by these speed-limit warning devices, I would suggest some change. When a taxi-driver starts speeding, instead of a little bell starting to tinkle, poison darts should shoot out of the dashboard into his eyeballs. I should probably stop before getting carried away, but I remain convinced that we would all be safer if cars were made of eggshells and we all drove in nothing more protective than our underwear. But even if my grand plan failed, and driving actually became worse after all the steps above were taken, just think of how few motorists there would be left after that. Sure, a loved one or two might be gone, but look at the bright side. COEs (Certificates of Entitlement) would be cheaper.
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