Normally: Faster, Higher, Stronger

Sydney 2000: Drunker, Higher, for Longer (and went home later)

1. Opening

Normally: A ceremony is held to welcome everyone and symbolise the harmony which is the Olympic spirit

Sydney 2000: We'll have the World's Biggest BBQ and etch the Olympic rings into the main arena by getting Mick to do 5 doughnuts on the grass :)

2. Symbolism

Normally: A flock of white doves, representing peace, is released into the world atmosphere

Sydney 2000: A pack of kangaroos is released for night shooting

3. Lighting the Torch

Normally: Muhammed Ali, internationally renowned sports hero, stricken with disease, courageously lights the flame of hope

Sydney 2000: We'll have Jeff Fennech lighting his own fart

4. Drug Testing

Normally: Sports people submit, involuntarily, to testing of drugs

Sydney 2000: Members of the community line up thinking "drug testing" might mean free cones

5. World Spotlight

Normally: An opportunity to show the world a beautiful, world-class city inhabited by a diverse, culturally-sensative, populous

Sydney 2000: Gives us a chance to piss Jeff Kennett off, and a good excuse for a public holiday

6. Olympic Diving

Normally: Competitors are judged on grace, style and ease of entry into the water

Sydney 2000: Yobbo's do horsies into the water and try and make the biggest splash

7. The Triathlon

Normally: Swim, Cycle and then Run

Sydney 2000: Run (to the bar), Skull (a schooner) and then Pull (a cone)

8. Field Events

Normally: Discus, Javelin, Shot-putt

Sydney 2000: Projectile Vomiting, broom throwing and keg throwing

9. The Crowning Event

Normally: The Marathon

Sydney 2000: Drink beer then Sleepathon

10. The Closing Ceremony

Normally: The nation's leader congratulates the other countries, the world is thanked and united. A warm, glowing feeling of peace resounds

Sydney 2000: Pauline Hanson screeches, "Fuck off back home, ya bloody immigrants!"