Vow Renewal Information
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I receive more and more questions asking for information about how to conduct a ceremony for renewing their vows. Their circumstances and reasons vary widely, but since this is a subject for which common sense information does not seem to be readily available, I am posting some of the most common questions and answers here for others' benefit.
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What is a vow renewal and why do couples choose to have one?
Basically, a vow renewal is a ceremony in which an already- married couple re-affirms their love for one another and their commitment to their marriage by either repeating their original wedding vows, or by writing new vows to reflect their relationship as it currently is.
Many times, a renewal is held on a significant anniversary (10, 20, 25, or 50, for example), as part of the anniversary celebration. For other couples, the date may or may not coincide with their wedding anniversary, because their desire to have a vow re-affirmation is brought on by the end of a hard time in the marriage, the overcoming of a personal hurdle, a change in lifestyle, etc. In that case, the ceremony could be any time that seems appropriate to the reason for it.
Another type of vow renewal which (based on my e-mail at least) seems to be gaining in popularity among couples is a formal renewal ceremony following a civil ceremony or elopement. Generally, I refer to this as a "public re-affirmation". For some couples, this is the opportunity to have their commitment to one another blessed by the church and/or witnessed/celebrated by their family and friends-- usually when budget, pregnancy or other circumstances warranted a small wedding.
I think it is important to make a distinction between these two types of "renewal", because of the different way guests, family and friends tend to react to the event in different circumstances.
With a renewal soon after the wedding (certainly within the first two years, but even up to five years after), there is a chance that guests may see the event as an excuse for a big party, a white gown, a limo and all the other trappings, rather than a serious desire to re-dedicate their love and commitment in front of family and friends. The couple (and perhaps their families) will have to think about the situation and social circle to determine how formal and elaborate a renewal ceremony will be appropriate, well-received and enjoyable for all involved.
If you are newly married and have your heart set on a really elaborate and fancy renewal, but decide that it might not be appropriate now, consider starting to plan now for such a celebration on your 5th anniversary, or some later meaningful date. At that time, it would seem more obvious why you would want to publicly re-commit to your marriage and family.
Throughout this article, I will try to highlight the specific issues where the type or reason for the renewal might make a difference in what is appropriate.
How do the ceremony and vows for a renewal or affirmation differ from the ceremony for a wedding?
Because a vow renewal is not a legal ceremony, there are even fewer do's and don't's involved than in a wedding ceremony. What is appropriate and meaningful to each couple is different. For some, the official presence of their own clergy is a "must have"; for others, the event is so personal that no officiant at all seems necessary--they compose and share their re-affirmation statements by themselves, either with or without guest witnesses. For some, the renewal is a sentimental re-living of their wedding day and vows; for others, it is an event with a completely different tone and format.
Because it is so open-ended in its possibilities, I think couples should put a little extra time and thought into what they want to say and do at their renewal. After all, a renewal is not a necessity, like a wedding, for moving to another phase of your life or relationship. It is a voluntary enrichment, a choice couples usually make to serve a specific need or purpose-- or a series of them.
For the basic ceremony-- except for the exchange of rings-- you can really take as much or as little of the traditional order of service as you wish. A ring exchange seems inappropriate and unnecessary in *most* renewals, but all the other segments of the service-- processional, convocation/invocation, sermon, readings, music, blessings, vows, (re) introduction of the couple, kiss, recessional-- *could* all be appropriate, using slightly (or vastly) modified language and terminology. It really depends on the circumstances, location, and your preferences.
The actual vows can also vary tremendously to suit circumstances, tastes and purpose-- from a repetition of the traditional Protestant service, to a completely unique, personal statement from the couple. Because renewing couples have more history and intimacy, some personalization of vows is often very appropriate and meaningful. For one thing, unique vows often give you the "platform" for telling why you are choosing to renew your vows at all. Beyond that, how touching and romantic to express and share that heightened love and acceptance that years of marriage, at its best, can bring.
Three books that I recommend for information about options in and personalization of vows, as well as interesting readings (for a wedding OR a renewal) are:
Write Your Own Wedding, by Mordecai Brill, Marlene Halpin, William Genne
Diane Warner's Complete Book of Wedding Vows, by Diane Warner
and Weddings From the Heart, by Daphne Rose Kingma
How formal should the event and attire be?
In general, a vow renewal or public reaffirmation can be as elaborate or simple as a couple desires and can afford. There are no set rules about what the couple may wear, how many attendants they may have, where it may be held, etc. It all depends on your tastes and desires, and the circumstances of your renewal. Some couples renew at a large ceremony because of the necessity of a small service when they first wed. Others renew in a small, intimate setting-- either alone or with only their family attending.
In deciding about the formality of mood and attire, consider what fits the size, formality and location of the service, your budget, your tastes, and yes, your dreams, too! A renewal can be--in some ways and for some couples--even more romantic than their wedding, so there is naturally sometimes an element of fantasy and romance that even the oldest couples cannot (and, in my opinion, should not feel obligated to) resist. If you love one another enough to make a point of publicly declaring, reaffirming and celebrating your love all over again, I say, make the most of it-- within your budget, of course.
I am often asked if their are colors the woman should or should not wear. Most often, the question is about white. Because the couple enjoys the "sanctity of marriage" and is re-dedicating their commitment, a white gown is completely appropriate, if desired. White is a celebratory color, draws attention to the couple, and gives a very formal and reminiscent effect.
However, for this sort of event (as as most "dress-up" occasions), the biggest consideration should be what color and formality flatters your looks and "feels" right to you for the circumstances. If that means pink, blue, black or purple, that should be fine.
Other accessories like a headpiece and/or veil can be worn as well, if the couple wishes to dress formally. Some people love the spectacular special effect of dressing so formally and elaborately. Others find it excessive and/or constraining even for a wedding, let alone a renewal.
Some couples choose a less-formal mood to save money and reflect the different "place" they are in their lives. Not that there's anything wrong with an elderly couple renewing their vows in full formal finery ( personally think it *can* be charming), but for most of the couples I have encountered, they are most interested in the overall ambiance and amenities they can offer their guests. I would say that the "average" renewal has about the level of formality of a cocktail or garden party.
What about flowers and other decorations?
Any flowers or other decorations should be in harmony with the mood and attire of the event. Budget concerns may limit the use of fresh flowers and elaborate decorative details, for many couples.
Flowers are always a welcome touch of festivity at any special occasion, and a renewal is no exception. In general, the floral and decorative accents can be much like they would be for a wedding, though usually on a somewhat smaller scale.
I have noticed, however, that many women who have been wed before are not comfortable with the traditional styles of bouquet for a renewal. More popular options include corsages, wrist corsages, a single rose or other flower, a floral wreath or other head/hair ornament, or a Polynesian lei.
Men resist boutonnieres less often. And if you will serve refreshments, some sort of floral or other decorative pieces on the serving and/or guest tables can be a lovely accent.
Should there be attendants?
Depending on your tastes, your age and the length of your marriage, you may or may not want to include "attendants". Two common and sentimental ways to handle attendants are:
Invite the original attendants from your wedding to stand with you again.
Ask your children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, and/or other family members to stand up with you (usually in a group surrounding you).
The latter idea can be particularly symbolic of the fact that the success of *any* marriage is benefited when the couple is supported by family and friends.
The attendants' style and formality of dress should compliment the couple's attire and the overall mood of the event.
What should the invitations say?
In many cases, the basic wording is not much different than that of wedding invitations. Many couples use something like:
Mr. John James Doe
and
Mrs. Jane Marie Doe
request the honor of your presence
as they renew their marriage vows
on [date]
at [time]
[location] [city, state]
If you prefer, you can use a more informal, explanatory or personalized text for your invitation. Some couples feel very comfortable with a more unique approach, and -- better yet -- have the personal eloquence to compose their own text. If you wish to write your invitation using a different form, just be sure to include the essential information-- names, type of event, date, time, and full location.
What reception traditions from the wedding are appropriate for a renewal reception?
All of the normal toasts, dancing, cake-sharing (without smashing! I personally think this disrespectful practice has no business at *any* celebration of love), and general merry-making could be appropriate, if you desire them.
The bouquet and garter tosses are less-so, but could perhaps be modified to be meaningful. Some couples choose to present the bouquet and garter to the longest-married, or most newly-wed, couple in attendance for luck, or some other solution. Other couples discard this wedding tradition altogether.
How can couples involve their children and families?
What is appropriate involvement for children or other family members is a very personal decision. Generally, when people ask about this, it is because their children are younger and still living at home. But the appropriate involvement of a 5 year old will be a lot different than for a 15 year old.
Mostly what you want to get across is the idea that you are not only reaffirming your commitment to one another, but to the whole family. Some couples do this in an actual vow to love and care for the children. Others have the children stand with them during the ceremony and have the minister make special comments about the re-commitment to family.
You'll want to do not only what feels right to you, but what the *children* are comfortable with. When there is a range of ages, you may need to tailor the physical involvement of each child to their age and personality-- and their preference. Very young children won't really understand what is happening to any deep degree; teenagers will likely have the poise and understanding to be able to do whatever you ask them to.
However, you should strive to allow the children some leeway in how-- and how much-- they participate. There will likely be a range of feelings and reactions, and they'll depend a lot on age, your relationships with each child, etc. Certainly, in whatever "vow" you make to them, all will be included--but if a 2 year old needs to sit with grandma, or one of the kids feels too embarrassed to 'stand up' with you during the service, or whatever, I think they will thank you later if you "cut them some slack" now.
I've also seen renewals where other family members and friends pledge to support your marriage, just as you pledge to love and support each other. Planned and worded carefully, with a small and sincere group, this can be really beautiful. However, for a larger gathering, or if guests don't really mean it, it could be tacky.
Some people also give some sort of token-- pendant, watch, pin, etc.-- to their children to symbolize the day. This is also common in marriages between people with children from other marriages--like the "family medallion" which you can research on-line, if you're interested. I think it can sometimes come across with the wrong message if you don't choose and handle it carefully.
However, if your husband is the type of man who will be giving you a new ring, or some other special jewelry, etc., as part of the ceremony, some small thing for the kids makes it a renewal of commitment to the whole family and gives the kids a physical remembrance.
(By the way, new rings is a very touchy subject for some couples. I personally am one of those women who will not give up my original engagement ring *no matter what*. But this is a very personal decision. Many men in particular seem to think that a new, "nicer" ring is appropriate for such an occasion. Be sure that discuss this, if it's likely to be an issue. Just something to think about. )
There are several good books which include ideas for a separate vow with/to children and others-- especially when the family is "blended" or there have been family problems. I believe one of the best is Weddings from the Heart by Daphne Rose Kingma. If I recall right, it covers a number of different vow situations, as well as giving ideas for personalizing the ceremony.
A selection of other related books can be found at your local library, too. If yours is a smaller branch library, ask the librarian what other titles might be available on inter-library loan through your main county library or library network. There are usually a lot of available books that are not on the shelves.
Songs/readings that are especially vow-renewal-appropriate?
Many times, a couple needs no advice about what music or readings to use for a renewal. They have a favorite song that expresses their feelings, know a passage of literature that describes their life. I list a variety below from different time periods and musical styles, just for inspiration. Give your music some thought, because I find that well-chosen music is one of the best ways to "tell the story" of your relationship and/or why you have gathered your friends and family together.
Always-- Irving Berlin
I Am Blessed-- Martina McBride
Battle Hymn of Love-- Kathy Mattea/Tim O'Brien
Have I Told You Lately That I Love You-- Van Morrison or Rod Stewart
I Just Fall In Love Again-- Anne Murray
In This Life-- Colin Raye
I Owe You-- Lee Greenwood
It Had to Be You-- Harry Connick, Jr.
Maybe I'm Amazed -- Wings
She's Got a Way-- Billy Joel
Still the One-- Orleans
The Man in Love with You-- George Strait
The Sweetest Thing-- Juice Newton
Wonderful Tonight-- Eric Clapton
You Are So Beautiful-- Joe Cocker
What about gifts?
In general, I think gifts should be discouraged. If the renewal is planned to celebrate a special wedding anniversary (25th, 50th, etc.), some family will wish to bring gifts, and that is understandable. But for most renewals, since the couple has their household set up already, gifts should not be expected, nor solicited. And, perhaps obviously, a renewal does not call for a shower beforehand.
Gifts tend to be a more ticklish subject for a public reaffirmation of newlyweds, since they may *not* already have what they need to set up housekeeping. However, separate showers and ceremony gifts are generally not given for renewals. It's one of the social differences between having a big wedding, and marrying intimately with a public renewal later.
Some guests will give gifts, no matter what might be suggested or inferred by you or your families. However, it's more gracious, according to traditional etiquette, to indicate that gifts are not expected should guests inquire.
If you choose to officially discourage gifts, be aware that in some social circles, a "no gifts, please" notation on the invitation is considered perfectly polite; in others, *any* official mention of gifts on the invitation is unacceptable. You can use your discretion.
What about other diplomatic concerns?
If there is any question about potential guests understanding the purpose of your renewal, their role and obligations, etc., do make sure that your closest family and friends fully understand your motivations, expectations, logistics, etc. If guests have questions, they will be most likely to approach family and friends, rather than you two, to try and find answers. If these people know your plans and feelings, they can help get that information out to guests as well.
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Good luck, and many more happy years of marriage to all of you out there renewing your vows!!!!