Diplomacy for destination wedding invitations
My fiance and I want to have a small out of state wedding, but we don't want to offend anyone or make them feel obligated to come. How do we go about letting them know about the wedding without making people feel obligated to come or upset that they won't be able to make the trip?
Let me say, I commend you on considering the feelings and convenience of family and friends in this issue. Some couples do not, unfortunately. Good for you two to have a more realistic view.
There are a couple of ways to handle invitations and/or announcements for this sort of wedding, and which you choose will depend upon
~ what your expectations are,
~ who and how many people you want to notify beforehand and why
~ and how far away the "out of state" is from the people you will be notifying.
But overall, the most important thing is to try and step back from the situation, look at it with common sense and graciousness, and then take the most direct and honest approach you can.
For instance:
~ If, by "a small wedding", you mean that you basically expect to be alone, but you want closest family and friends to feel that they are *welcome* to come if they'd like to and are able--
You may not need to really notify them at all, officially.
Unless you've kept your plans *completely* secret so far, these people will have an idea what they are, so basically it would be a matter of talking to them to express your own desires, and listening to theirs.
Be sure, too, to express what kind of "small wedding" you are thinking.
Lots of misunderstandings are based on assumptions and expectations that are never completely "spelled out".
Official notification for something like this might be best made in person or by phone-- sort of "feeling out" the potential guests for their desire and ability to attend.
Then for those that are interested and able, you could send a written invitation (of any type you desire) giving the time, details, directions, etc.
~ If you mean that you want as many of your closest family and friends around you as possible, but just don't want them to feel *obligated* to make the trip--
You could send a "formal" (I mean, written, though not necessarily formal in style) invitation to those you'd like to join you--and to those you feel would be "offended" not to get the invitation.
Frankly, however, it's sometimes best to exclude some people from the "guest list" if you know they are not likely to come, or that making the trip would be a hardship.
Obviously, you can't read minds-- and I've been surprised many times at the lengths to which some people will go to attend a wedding they really wish to attend.
But sometimes it's kinder *not* to "wave the carrot" to a lot of guests who probably cannot/should not take the time and money to come.
It's a serious judgment call, but something worth considering, especially since you are concerned with feelings of obligation.
Or, if you wish, you could send (at the same time, but in another envelope) both all the directions, details, and any tips you can give them for travel/lodging, *and* a note which says **very clearly**, "Hey, we'd love to have you, but we *DO* understand that attending might not be convenient, so we wish to invite you, but hope you'll feel no obligation to attend." Basically just what you said in your question, but with whatever reasoning/feeling fits your own feelings about it.
I know a couple that invited their guests to join them at Disneyland the day after their southern California wedding. They sent a separate, much less formal, invitation in a separate envelope detailing why they were invited, what the couple would be doing, and how guests could find one another during the day.
Only a bit over a dozen guests actually went to Disneyland that day, but many who were unable to go said they appreciated knowing they were welcome.
And those that *did* attend seemed to enjoy being part of the couple's day there.
I think the *tone* of the invitation in that case was key in making people feel welcome but not obligated.
Also, never underestimate the power of word of mouth. There is usually a LOT of that going on behind the scenes when a wedding is in the works.
If your parents, siblings, and friends know how you feel about the wedding and guest situation, then hopefully they can help you get that message to potential guests.
It can be a good way to reinforce your feelings, although I would not depend on it to convey details or the nuances of your wishes and expectations.
~ If you are looking for a way to make sure everyone knows you were married, but don't really want or need them to attend-- You can send announcements, perhaps sort of informal ones which explaining something about the wedding that will help these people understand why they were *not* invited to attend.
Or you can send formal announcements, then send more personal "newsletter" style letters in a separate envelope updating them (if appropriate) about you and your fianc�'s lives and relationship and news, telling the details of the wedding trip, notifying them of address/name changes, chatting about what's ahead for you two, etc.
If you prepare these ahead, you can send them yourselves from the wedding site city, or have another family member or friend mail them from your home town, on the day of the wedding, or as soon after as possible.
Then the news gets around quickly, people don't feel they've been left "out of the loop" of information, and they can congratulate you as soon as you return home.
Of course, your own course of action will likely be somewhere in between, but I hope that this gives you some perspective on possible options. I think that for *most* guests (although there are exceptions) what they really want is to know that they were thought of and "included", in your hearts, if not physically.
Always do remember, too, (and I assume you do because of the question you've asked) that an out-of-state event can be very difficult for even the most devoted friends and family to attend-- especially if there's not a lot of notice. (I don't know what the situation is for you two on this issue.)
Both the cost of travel and accommodations, and the logistics and considerations of getting time off work, perhaps using vacation time, lining up baby-sitters/pet-sitters/house-sitters/etc., can make it nearly impossible for some loved ones to join you.
If those you love are not able to be with you on your wedding day, perhaps you two could host them for a small party sometime soon after your return.
It would not need to be anything fancy or expensive like the "receptions" some couples' families throw after an out-of-town wedding.
Just a simple afternoon or evening to get together, tell them about the wedding trip, and allow them to congratulate you.
Hope this helps, and best wishes to you both!