Responsibility for Wedding Costs
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Nearly every week, it seems, I receive a question about who is responsible financially for different parts of the wedding. I have also seen some somewhat confusing explanations of this information. I am posting the traditional division of responsibility, plus my own opinions, here for general reference.
Expenses traditionally paid for by the bride--
~the groom's ring (if a double ring ceremony)
~gifts for the groom and bridesmaids
~stationery for thank you notes and other correspondence
~the guest book
~the gift book (if you will have one)
~and in contemporary weddings, sometimes her gown/accessories
Expenses traditionally paid for by the bride's parents--
~the bride's wedding attire (sometimes now paid for by the bride)
~all invitations, announcements, enclosures and mailing expenses
~all flowers (except as mentioned below in the groom's expenses)
~all expenses for the ceremony (except as mentioned)
~all expenses for the reception (except as mentioned)
~all catering (cake, refreshments, beverages) and entertainment
~all photography
~their own attire, accommodations, and travel expenses (if any)
~a gift for the couple
~bridal consultant fees, if used
~sometimes, the attendants' gowns
~accommodations for out-of-town attendants
Expenses traditionally paid for by the groom--
~the engagement ring
~the wedding ring
~the honeymoon
~the marriage license
~his own attire
~hotel accommodations for out of town groomsmen
~the minister's fee
~gifts for bride and groomsmen and ushers
~and sometimes, the bride's bouquet, mothers' corsages, and men's
boutonnieres (this is less common now, however)
Expenses traditionally paid for by the groom's parents--
~their own wedding attire
~their own traveling expenses and accommodations
~accommodations for the groomsmen if the groom does not pay for it
~a gift for the bride and groom
~and more recently, the rehearsal dinner
They may also contribute in other ways, if they choose to, and
others agree.
Let me add, however, that *seldom* do wedding finances fall specifically into this traditional break-down.
In most situations, the actual break-down of finances will be quite different, largely due to changes in the age and financial status of couples marrying now, as well as changes trends and the formality of social patterns.
The "assignment" of financial responsibilities will also vary depending on your region and social group.
In real-life weddings, the financial arrangements depend on the age and finances of the bride and groom, the willingness and financial ability of the families involved.
A lot of frustration and bad feeling can be caused by strict adherence to any strict traditional rule on finances.
Often the "rules" are insisted upon by those who find it fits their desires -- whether that is having total control, or having no responsibility whatever.
Another common problem in wedding finances is the promise of money from parents or grandparents that is later retracted or never paid.
In common sense, the best way to avoid most financial complications is for the couple to plan a wedding they can afford to pay for mostly by themselves, and consider any financial help from *either* family as a bonus.
Obviously, however, this is not practical or appealing to many couples. So let me just add a couple common sense considerations:
~ Approach each family as directly as possible when discussing finances, if you would like them to contribute. Don't hint; don't expect.
~ Consider a promise of funds only a promise until you see a check. Things can change no matter how good someone's intentions are.
~ In a perfect world, a contribution should not mean control over decisions about that portion of the wedding plan. But be aware that sometimes that is what the contributor expects.
~ Remember that the COST of a wedding does not determine the beauty, romance, enjoyment or significance it will have. Many wonderful and memorable weddings have been held on VERY limited budgets -- and lasted happily as long marriages!
Responsibilities of the Maid of Honor and Best Man
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Generally, for any honor attendant-- maid of honor, best man, bridesmaid, groomsman or usher-- the responsibilities depend a bit on the needs of the specific bride and groom, the size and formality and specifics of the wedding plans, the amount of other help the couple has, and your relationship to the bride and/or groom. Below are some general ideas, however, of common responsibilities handled by the maid of honor and the best man.
Maid of Honor--
Below is a list of common maid of honor responsibilities. It's just a starting place to get an idea of general duties.
Most maids of honor do not do *all* of these, but most do a number of them.
Some of these duties are also sometimes taken on by the currently popular "personal attendant".
~ attending all fittings and appointments for their clothing
~ attending pre-wedding parties/showers if at all possible (out of town maids-of-honor are exempt)
~ usually, hosting a shower for the bride
~ helping address invitations
~ helping the bride shop for the bridal gown and/or maid's gowns and accessories
~ helping with decorations and other pre-wedding preparation
~ attending the rehearsal
~ fielding messages for her at home/ceremony site so she isn't interrupted for every little thing
~ protecting her privacy/quiet time pre-ceremony, if she values it
~ taking messages/gifts to the groom, if they will not see one another
~ helping the bride transport her gown and attire to the ceremony site
~ helping the bride dress on her wedding day
~ helping distribute bouquets and boutonnieres or **any other task** which will make things go smoothly on the wedding day
~ standing with the bride at the altar
~ holding the groom's ring during the ceremony, if it's a double ring ceremony
~ holding the bride's bouquet during parts of the ceremony
~ in some areas, greeting guests as part of the receiving line (less popular in recent years)
~ sometimes, making a toast at the reception, before or after the best man
~ sometimes, dancing with the best man at the reception
~ sharing the joy of the event, and supporting and assisting the bride as best you can : )
~ generally keeping your eyes open on wedding day to see what needs to be done, checked, handled, smoothed over. If you (and the bridesmaids as a group) can do a good job of being "Johnny-on-the-spot" to take care of some of the little glitches, you'll make the bride's day *much* more relaxed.
Some brides include their maids in a lot of their other planning; some really don't. If your bride is not calling and inviting you to join her in pre-wedding appointments, plans or preparation, she probably is doing fine.
If you are still wondering, you *could* call her and just *ask* if there's anything else you can do to help. I like a direct approach for such things.
If she has any reluctance to "impose" on you, that would give her a perfect chance to say.... "Yes, as a matter of fact, it would help me SO much if you could....." whatever. Or she might tell you, no, things are under control for now.
As the wedding comes closer, that's a good time for maids and friends to check in a bit more, offer help a bit more, get in tune with her expectations and worries. Then at the rehearsal and on wedding day, you, as her head helper, can be really alert to those issues, and try to keep things running smoothly and head off problems before they distress her.
Best Man--
Below are some basic, traditional duties that the best man often performs, or assists with:
~ Arranging a bachelor party or other party for the groom (or perhaps a party for the couple.)
~ Helping transport groom's clothes and luggage (and sometimes members of the wedding party) to the ceremony/reception.
~ Helping the groom dress and prepare for the ceremony.
~ Making sure that the groom has both license and ring.
~ Holding the ring during the ceremony. (Even if the couple has a ring bearer, it's usually safer to have the best man keep the real ring.)
~ Signing the license as a witness.
~ In some areas, presenting the minister with the wedding fees before the ceremony begins.
~ Escorting the maid/matron of honor out of the church during the recessional.
~ Generally assisting during the pre-wedding, ceremony and reception.
~ Helping pack and prepare the get-away car (and protecting it from tampering, in some cases.)
~ Returning the tuxedos to the rental outlet, and sometimes, the couple's other wedding attire to their home.
~ Also sometimes, transporting the wedding gifts to the couple's home.
~ Proposing a toast to the couple at the reception (often also one at the rehearsal dinner).
~ Dancing with the maid/matron of honor, and usually the mothers of the bride and groom, if there is formal dancing at the reception.
Many best men struggle to find information and inspiration for the toast. I always suggest that you look both on-line and at your local library for ideas. There are a number of good books on the subject, as well as a few websites. A search on a good engine like www.google.com or a similar site should give you several site suggestions.
Another way to get inspired about toasting is to look at quotes about love and marriage. There are a few quotes and links to other sites to get you started, on my Songs, Poems and Quotes page. But again, your local library should also have a wealth of that sort of information, and a good librarian can really help you focus on what you need to find.
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The biggest thing I think honor attendants, male or female, need to remember is this--
Your most important job is to help the bride and groom have a happy, memorable, and enjoyable wedding. For most maids of honor and best men, that job begins early in planning, and lasts until the last guest leaves. Sometimes you can do your job by handling some errand, sometimes by listening, sometimes by laughing or crying with them, and sometimes by getting their mind *off* the wedding plans for a little while.
In the end, however, always remember that your friendship and support are the most important things you can give any couple, and that is the thing they will remember most.
Have fun!