The MDT Social Project: I go rambin'... after midnight...
"We'll invent new four letter words..." � Lovage
What this really is is a collection of everything I've posted at LiveJournal.com that I consider to be a Midnight Rambling.
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A man walks into a bar with a large gash on his forehead. The bartender serves his previous customer and makes his way to the man. "Holy crow," he said. "That's quite a mark there, fella. How'd it happen?" The man smiled and said, "The names Jerry, and that would be a really long story." The bartender shrugged. "Ah, forget it. What'll ya have?" Jerry's eyes widened in disbelief. "Don't you want to hear my story?" "Nah, I got a lot of people to tend to." He nodded at a man down the bar and grabbed a beer mug from below. "What'll be, Jerry, I got a bunch of people who need their alcohol. I've seen them deprived before, it ain't pretty." He slammed his fist down with rage and yelled, "This isn't fair! This just isn't fair!" "What, I have other customers, I can't just limit myself to you." He stucks his arms out, showcasing the area surrounding him. "This is a bar, mac, and I ain't just your servant. I'll get back to you in a moment." Jerry folded his arms on the bar and placed his head on top of them. After the bartender gave the priest at the end of the row a mug of beer, he came back to Jerry. "So what ain't fair, Jer'? What's keepin' ya down?" "My friends..." He tried to suck back the tears in his eyes, but couldn't beat them. "They're all gonna laugh at me!" "Why's that?" "You see, we all go fishing on Sundays and together we share our funny anecdotes of what happened during the week. Now my friends usually go to the bar on Saturdays without me." The bartender halted the man's story. "Wait, wait, wait - why without you?" "Because I don't drink." "Then why are you at my bar?" "Hold on, I haven't gotten there yet." He made his best attempt to crack his back with his hands behind him but wasn't too successful. "So my friend Sam," Jerry continued, "would always have these funny stories about him and his other friends walking into bars that were hilarious. One time, he came by with a duck under his arm until..." "I remember that guy," the bartende interrupted. "That had to have been the funniest thing I had seen all night. "I know! My other friend, Ronald, talked about how he once went into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and he told the bartender..." Once again, the bartende intevened, "'I'll have one for me and one for the road', right?" "Exactly!" Jerry slammed his hands palm down on the bar in a show of agreement. "They'd always had these stories about them walking into a bar and them doing something funny that made everybody's night, and started laughing because I would never have the creativity to do something like it." "So what?" "So what?" He had a fire in his eyes as he spoke that seemed to burn the bartender's Ron Jeremy mustache. "Do you know what it's like to be known as unimaginative?" "Yeah, I don't let it bother me." "Well, it bothers me! So I figured I'd show them!" The noise in the bar had quieted down from the usual clatter. Most of the customers were now intregued to hear the man's story. "So I thought I'd try it. I first tried walking into bars but nobody would talk to me." "But how did you walk into the bar?" "Well, the first five time, I didn't do anything special. I just walked in, ordered, and never understood why nobody talked to me. Sure, they'd talk to the priest, rabbi, and bishop or whoever else walked into the bar, but not me! So I figured I find a gimmick! You're the fifth bar I've walked into with this large slash on my forehead and you were the first person to ask me how I got it!" "Oh, I see." The bartender shushed off another customer at the end of the bar, hooked into the man's story. "So then, what was your story?" "About the cut? I was gonna say that I was attacked by an Arabian terrorist who went to cut my throat and missed." Silence fell over the two for a good minute or so. Finally, the bartender responded, "Actually, that's not too funny, Jerry." Jerry's mouth dropped in surprise. "It isn't?" "No, not at all. How'd you really get the gash?" "Oh," answered Jerry, "I went home to try and kill myself and was instantly struck by the idea once I grabbed the box cutter." The bartender backed up away toward the mirror backing and liquor shelves. "Okay, then..." "Well, I guess it's back home for me." Jerry stood off of the barstool and started to make his way for the door. Before exiting however, he turned back and ran for the bar. "Hey, by the way - Are you good with anatomy or biology? Anything like that?" The bartender filled a mug of beer for another customer, never taking his eyes off of Jerry. "Can't say that I am." "That's a shame. See, I don't like the idea of cutting my wrist and I was wondering if I would have the same effect if I cut one of my ankles open." The bartender served the mug of beer. "Stick with the forehead bit, man." "Okay," he said as he extended out a hand for the bartender to shake. "See ya, buddy!" The bartender simply waved and stood back as far away from the hand as possible, focusing on the scars of Jerry's wrist. "See ya, man." And nobody ever saw Jerry again...
...Don't worry, he didn't kill himself. The Arabian terrorist just came back to finish the job.
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I want to make my own Anime cartoon. I hate the animation, storylines, themes, and over all character depths of Japanese cartoons. Maybe the only way to really amend the situation is to make my own Anime cartoon. I think I have some of the most perfect ideas for the cartoon: 1.) The entire script would contain not one mark of puncuation whatsoever except for the exclamation point, making all of the dialog fast paced and almost unintelligible. Every episode would sound something like this: "What is in your hand why aren't you showing me is it some kind of foreign decloration you're out to destroy me I know you're type you don't stand a chance against me YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT IS ETERNAL OR THE WEASEL DEMONS WILL HAUNT YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR DAYS!" Okay, Inuyasha is on right now (I was watching Family Guy), and I swear that they had Weasel demons. No shit. 2.) The background imagery would be some of the most artistic landscapes ever seen in the history of global animation, rivalling the skills of the classic artists and even new contemporaries, giving the show a life like image that bears a three-dimensional soul about the entire show and, hopefully some day, movie. The characters, however, will purposely look so out of place that you could've pasted a cardboard cut out on the Mona Lisa and re-create an entire episode with a video camera and nobody would be able to tell the difference. 3.) There would be the two main characters - the lead male role (Luciensan) and the lead female role (Jennitanchu). Luciensan would be a lost warrior on the path to avenge his father's death, reclaim him eternal soul, and at the same time trying to find a good enough plastic surgeon to remove not only his dog ears but also the robot dwelling inside of his head. Jennitanchu would be a lost and lonely girl-becoming-a-woman figure who runs into the male character while a picking up an order at the local pizza shop. The pizza place was bombarded and rubbled by the enemy forces after Luciensan and left him to take care of the now exposed Jennitanchu. Missing her family while constantly recalling how she couldn't stand them while she lived there, she will entertain herself and Luciensan on their voyage by singing upbeat pop songs entirely in untranslated Japanese. 4.) In the blurring, typical moving action backgrounds of stripes and bright colors, I would shadow in the faces of celebrities I despise digitally altered into funny and embarrassing works of art. In addition to celebrities, I'd also splice in pictures of dead babies, puppies, and old people without their teeth in. Ewww... 5.) The theme song would be in Russian just to piss off the Japanese. 6.) There would never be a last episode. The two lost travelers would be lost forever during the show's entire run, even if it is sucessful and lasts for years on end. Every new episode, some random enemy with a name that's symbollic of a human emotion would come out and just beat the living crap out of them to the point where it was made that their quest would become even longer. Eventually, they will have circled the globe once somehow. 7.) In one episode, they would somehow be transported through time to take on Mao Zedong in China and beat his ass senseless with a spiked baseball bat. After he was dead and China was turned away from Communism, the two would have to devise someway of getting back home to their regular time. This theme would start and the beginning of a season and last until the following season when they finally make a time machine using three horses, some tin wire, a buggy with wodden wheels, and a boiled potato. 8.) There would be frequent guest apearances by rap artist Ol' Dirty Bastard and eighties pop sensation Greg Kihn. At the end of every episode, the two would colaborate to make a song describing all the events that happened in the episode and teaching the moral, which would always be "Welfare is There for a Reason - Take Advantage of It". 9.) All taxi drivers when they do reach the urban cities would be seven foot talkin bears, in tribute to the short-lived Clerks: The Animated Series. "Who is driving car? Oh my God, bear is driving car! How can that be?" 10.) The title would be "The Captors of the North Norweigion Territories and the Crimes They Will Never Be Charged of Know the Guilt That They Should Feel When Finally Set Upon Judgement Day and Are Executed on the Grounds That They Were a Threat to Society"... when translated from Japanese to English. The name for the English dubbed version will be "Tea Time With Maseo". Now, reading these reasons, you may think that this idea would never work out when put into action. Do you watch Adult Swim? You don't, do you. DO IT NOW I COMMAND YOU I AM YOUR LEADER AND YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING I SAY YOU ARE FOOLISH JUST LIKE YOUR PARENTS BEFORE YOU WHEN I KILLED THEM TOO OH NO YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT DID YOU HA-HA I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YEARS AGO WHEN IT HAPPENED THAT IS A SHAME IT DOES NOT MATTER ANYWAY BECAUSE SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD SO YOU SHOULD GET BUSY ON MAKING YOUR LAST REQUESTS OR WRITING YOUR WILL BECAUSE I SOON WILL BE FORCED TO ROB YOUR LUNGS OF THE SWEET FRESH AIR OF LIFE! YOU DIRTY LITTLE BASTARD YOU GOT THAT GIRL IN THE SACK AND THAT IS WHY SHE IS PREGNANT NOW ISN'T IT YOU ARE A LITTLE FUCKING PERVERT SON OF A BITCH!
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Snoopy - An Intimate Portrait
Snoopy, born Rex Donaldson, was a true revolutionary. In a world full of the stereotype dog roles in popular media, he decided to be different. His humor was more human, and his punchlines packed more of a punch, but not many know of his darkside.
Snoopy, beloved character of the comic strip Peanuts and the critically acclaimed Charlie Brown television specials (Including The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show), has graced his face over merchandise and newspapers all over. One question people never bothered to ask was "Why was he white?" Snoopy was the first white supremisist of the canine species. Being born a brown beagle, he was always ashamed of himself, being exactly everything he was prejudiced against. He tried to chemically dye his fur over and over until eventually his pelt turned completely white and the darkest, most untreated portions of himself black. Since he could not massage the dyes into his ears due to lack of hands (Same with his neck, back and tail), these were the only remaining parts that weren't white. He was never able to cope with that fact, even after his successes, and it would remain to haunt him.
His cousin Spike one day brought to his attention that there were to be auditions for a new comic strip in Los Angeles and that they should try out for the lead dog role. The comic strip was Peanuts and the rest was history, and Snoopy was casted on the spot. Spike, however, wasn't so lucky. It was then that Snoopy promised his supporting cousin that someway he would talk to the artist in charge about writing Spike into some of the strips as a walk on character, but that wasn't enough for the heartbroken Spike. That night, he went to the motel him and Snoopy had rented for the auditions and tried to suffocate himself with a pillow. His attempt, however, was unaffective. He found later that the pillow ended up being so comfortable, his dog impulses forced him to sleep instead of suffocationg. After his near-death experience, he realized that he had so much more to live for. He grew out his fur, moved to Texas, and became one of the Southern Bohemians.
When first working on the set of Peanuts, Snoopy had his doubts about everyone involved. The first stone thrown was the changing of his name. Charles Schultz stated to him that if he wanted to keep his job, he had to legally change his name to something snappy and out of the ordinary. Snoopy got the idea for his own name after being interviewed by a press reporter about the debut of Peanuts. The reporter offended him by all of the personal questions she was asking, and called her a "snooping bitch", as was filed in the police report after he assulted her by gnawing on her leg. In tribute to the reporter and her restraining order, he chose the name Snoopy. His case was thrown out of the window, and Charles Scultz warned him that one more outburst of anger like that and he'd never work in entertainment again.
During the second month of sketching, tensions started growing between Snoopy and the infamous Lucy Van Pelt. Apparently, Lucy was one of the Jewish children of Hollywood. Snoopy's prejudice worked into overdrive. Rumor has it that Snoopy played mean and nasty pranks on her, one including a giant crucifix on her dressing room door with a post-it note attached that said "Wish You Were Here". Her brother on the show, Linus Van Pelt (Who was actually the illigitimate son of funny man Jerry Lewis, Harold) claims to have witnessed many of the cruel pranks.
One time, I walked onto the set and Lucy ran away crying. I looked into her dressing room and Snoopy had sent her a dead pig in a care package. I went to confront the dog about it, but I didn't want to... you know... arouse his anger. He was outside smoking and told me to sit down with him. He explained how she had recieved "exactly what she deserved" for being... who she is. He used many obcene words to call her Jewish, and eventually told me that once his kind takes over the world, he would offer me a seat of power. I told him I'd think about it... he broke all the fingers on my left hand for it, which was hard for me because I'm left handed. Me and him had some silence for the remainder of the strip, until about a year before Schultz' death, when he told me that the end of civilization was near. He invited me to... a rally for white power. I was so scared of Snoopy. - Harold Lewis, "Linus Van Pelt"
Eventually, Snoopy worked Spike back on the set of Peanuts and was even able to land him a lead in one of the Charlie Brown television specials. The episode was written by Snoopy under an anonymous pseudonym, and was about Snoopy being married to a poodle but Spike coming and stealing her away. Spike, being brown when he had shown up, was an outcast in the comic as a colored dog. Charles Schultz had then paid for cosmetic surgery to pemenantly paint his fur white. Needless to say, Spike was not too thrilled and once again went to try and suffocate himself in the motel. Yet again, he failed and fell asleep.
Making guest appearances in other comic strips such as Garfield, doing broadway in both the productions of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown and Snoopy: The Musical, and starring commercials for the MetLife group, Snoopy's career was bringing in more money than he ever thought he would. He was finally able to achieve his life long dream - to own a giant white mansion with a large swaztika-shaped swimming pool in the backyard. Snoopy, in his own and popular opinion, truly had it made.
Soon, a few years after successing an advertising campaign with Cedar Point, the creator of the comic strip Peanuts died. Snoopy and the other cast members were saddend.
It was like... losing a part of myself. It was as if my heart had been ripped from out of my chest and just fed to the little brown-haired girl. One of the positive things that came about was that it did draw me closer to my now wife, one of the television animators Gladys, who had been a fanatic of Mister Schultz and all of his work. He truly was a man known the world-over who will never... never be forgotten about. Even when the world is near nuclear destruction, someone's gonna think, "Hey, this reminds me of that one Peanuts strip". His art will live on through his after-life - Charles Brown, excerpt from the Charles Schultz funeral service.
With the comic and cartoons over, Snoopy was looking down the barrel of a gun that was his career. All he had left to fall back on were residual checks and advertising. His Cedar Point merchandise decided to surplus Snoopy souveniers and MetLife still wanted to use him. To this day, he still works with Cedar Pont and MetLife, but never did his acting career ever kick into full swing. He was left alone, stereotyped as the oddly colored beagle to a "blockhead" owner.
Truly, Snoopy's career may be gone but his legacy with Peanuts is still repeated everyday in local newspapers. Snoopy is truly of a dog of the times, but underneath that shroud of celebrity, there lies... An Intimate Portrait.
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Have you ever been on a date with a girl at the movies and she wants more popcorn, so you get up to go to the concession stand and ask for a refil but as soon as you hand it off, you remember the hole you put at the bottom of the bucket/bag and the concession person just gives you an odd glare?
Or even better yet! Have you ever gone up to get that refil and forgot to tuck your shit back in, so that when you get the refil not only is there a hole in the bag, but your dick's hanging out?
Or even better that that! Have you ever stood up to get a refil and just had the bag/bucket still resting on your lap... with yourself attached to the hole? (To add on to this, have you ever walked up to the concession stand like that, jumped onto the counter on your back and asked for a refil? Watch out, the butter topping is really hot!)
Or even better! Have you ever gone up to get a refill of Pepsi at the counter and there's a hole in the cup, and when the cashier asks you how it happened, you told him/her that you and your girlfriend wanted to try new things?
Yeah, me neither. (Don't say yes, man, we all know you're just trying to be funny.)
Who's we? Me and my multiple personalities.
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A blind man approached me down on 9 mile. I was walking over to my regular appointment at Slick Willie's Mini-Sized Midget Emporium when he started humping my leg. I kicked him to the side and slapped him in the face once he was off. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" I asked angrily.
The man picked himself up and dusted off his ratty jacket. "Sorry, fella, it's been a while. When I see a leg... I have to hump it. I can't control it."
"That's an interesting situation," I commented. "Well, how did that happen?"
"It began one morning in December." I picked up a newspaper vending machine and quickly sat down to hear his tale. He continued, "See, at one point in time I could see. When I was in a child, my mother thought that I looked too much like Neil Schon of Journey and said she could never love a son so closely resembling a celebrity. So I was sent out into the woods of Detroit where I was raised by a pack of..."
"Wolves?" I guessed.
"No, not wolves!" he snapped back angrily. "Albanians! If there's one thing that Albanians can't resist, it's the music of Journey. They put a guitar in front of me and kept explaining to play Don't Stop Believin', but I knew nothing of guitar playing. In their furious rage, they cut my eyes out with a spoon and fed them to their pet-"
"Dog?" I once again kibitzed.
"Mothafucka, can I finish my goddamn story?" I could tell I was testing the blind man's patience, so I reclused away from him. "Thank you!" he barked. "No, they didn't have a fuckin' dog! Do you expect a group of Albanians to have a dog?"
"Well, yeah," I shyly replied. "I'm not racist or anything."
"Whatever," he said. "They didn't have a dog. They had a bearded dragon. They fed the eyeballs to a bearded dragon."
"Well, you have eyes now... I can see them." I pointed at the whited orbs in his skull. "What are those?"
"Marbles, dummy!" He popped one out and threw it across the street. "Anyway, the police were called and I was taken to an orphanage. I was about twenty-six at the time, but a family did adopt me. It was there that I learned the importance of a warm cup of coffee and a rimjob from an Asian hooker. They took me in, showed me the ropes of stock investments, gave me five-thousand dollars to invest on Wall Street. They let me out on the streets by myself, but they forgot that I was blind. I walked right out into traffic, was smacked down by a truck, and somebody stole my money while I was on the ground."
"Damn, that sucks." Being lost for words, I shrugged in confusion. What did he care? He couldn't see me anyway. "What happened then?"
"What do you mean, 'What happened then?' I'm here now!" The blind man shook his head in grief. "Shit, I may be blind but you must be deaf. Put us together and we got ourselves a Richard Pryor movie."
"Well, if that was all recent, why do you hump legs?" I asked.
"Would you rather prefer I jump on your back and start bonin' you up the brown-eye?"
I don't walk down 9 mile anymore.
- Shaun Blankenship Author of Finishing Last, Burnt Red, and Same In The End. Nobel Peace Prize Winner for Biggest Acievement in the Field of Elderly Extermination
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Okay, I have to say this before I forget it. My mom bought this new bar soap for our shower, and today was the first day I actually read into it. Apparently, it's Zest Refreshing MINT! It's mint soap! What the hell? It's not gum, it's soap! What kind of day and age do we live in when there's mint soap? How did somebody come up with this?
Well, one day I was brushing my teeth after just taking a shower, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I wish my whole body could feel this minty fresh." And that's when it hit me - mint scented soap. It has all the cleaning power of Zest, and all the smell of mint. So now I feel minty fresh all over my body.
Well, I must agree, the scent isn't too bad... because it doesn't smell like mint, it just smells like SOAP! UGH! And not only that, but I think I got a little bit of the minty freshness in my eyes.
