THE HISTORY OF THIS CAMPAIGN:
The day has been unrecorded and lost in time, it was my sophomore year in high school, the class was 5th Hour speech, the teacher was Kowalski, and the assignment was… write a speech telling why people should vote for you if you ran for president. Myself, I had no issues I wanted to stand on for this subject. The thought of being president always passed my mind but I figured by the time I was old enough to be president, I’d had figured out all the confusing shit that the president puts up with. Since I still didn’t and I had no speech written for my teacher by 4th hour, during lunch I went to the school library and typed up something quick and fast before the bell rang announcing that the classes were starting back up. Being in the mood I was in that day, the paper was a joke, a spoof of all the serious crap you hear when presidents lecture why to vote for them. I was tired of ordinary; I wanted something people would remember. A week or so later after I handed in my masterpiece, my teacher pulls me from my word search she handed the classroom and talked to me, saying she didn’t know whether to take it sarcastically or seriously. I told her, "Fun is fun, I didn’t mean any harm." She understood but still said that I could’ve made a better effort. I later asked what I got on it and the bitch said that she didn’t find it appropriate so she would’ve graded a better effort. Ain’t that ‘bout a bitch? Then three days later, I get a pink little slip during my 2nd hour Biology class saying I needed to talk to my counselor. What was the topic? When Kowalski graded my paper, she phoned a friend and asked her what she should think of it. Well, that friend turned out to be my counselor. She said all the same shit my teacher told me. I didn’t need my mistake biting me in the ass twice so everything she said; I may have nodded, but it was in one ear and out to San Jose at 300 miles per hour out the other. It’s so strange: the paper that so many of my peers laughed at, knowing I was joking, was turned into some kind of serious issue. If a 10th grader can figure it out, why can’t a 30-something year old teacher? That’s why I don’t believe in public schooling…
…or any other schooling for that matter.
This not only sparked an idea, but a movement. People were already aware of my presidential speech, why not run for Junior Class President? Why didn’t I? I didn’t officially register. During the last two days before election, I actually got the nerve to campaign. I was a write-in candidate, and as that I was ignored. I also spent about a good 10¢ on my campaign. I took a bunch of scrap pieces of paper, taped them together, wrote "SHAUN BLANKENSHIP FOR PRESIDENT! ‘I’m not really running but, hey, you could imagine what it would be like if I did!’" I think that statement drew votes away because later on, I was very serious on running. Yes, one hour after posting my "banner" outside the cafeteria. Well, I lost the election, some girl who I’ve never even heard of won, and all the good people got theirs too. While I got no support in my campaign and nobody but myself to vote for me.
But that would be my life, as it always has been.
AND NOW,
THE ORIGINAL PRESIDENT SPEECH WRITTEN BY SHAUN BLANKENSHIP:
My name is Shaun Blankenship and I am running for the President of the United States of America. If I am elected, I will take action on many topics I find important like conflicts with other nations. I would negotiate and live in a state of unrest until peace will be accepted by both of us. If I cannot accomplish peace, I will nuke them in the morning after, Pearl Harbor style. I also promise a tax cut. Taxes are higher than they should be in this current day and age and I think that we should at least make a cut by 2 percent. If not, I will bomb some foreign country in the morning while they sleep. If we can’t be happy, they can’t live. If I am elected, I will enforce more laws so that you can rest assured that no one will harm you and you can feel safe for your children’s safety. I will crackdown on laws that need to be re-instated and new ones yet to have been thought of. And I promise you people, if I can’t hold that promise, I will blow up a country: because if our kids aren’t safe, then neither is theirs. If I am elected, abortions will be kept legal. A woman’s body will be her own decision and not ours. Life is precious, but if you don’t want abortions after I am president, I will blow up a country. I will bomb some place like Cuba right out of the water. Then where’s your Pro-Life protestors, huh? If I am elected, I will give federal money to charities like I will on my way to the presidency. People live in big houses with fancy meals but kids in Ethiopia have not eaten in 3 weeks at a time. While I’m on my bombing spree of countries, I will make sure that they are not harmed, because it’s all about the future, isn’t it? If I am elected, Marijuana will be legal. It only stimulates the brain and doesn’t harm anything but your decision making. There will be laws about smoking it unlike in Amsterdam, where I plan on bombing as soon as I am in office. So please, while you sit in the election booth deciding whom to vote for, remember: "Shaun Blankenship, he’s your man, he’ll blow thing up whenever he can."
WHY I DID IT
I did the speech the way I did it for a joke and a laugh, although still my teacher never understood it. If you didn’t get its purpose, you are the biggest dumb-ass trying to look for one. This paper wasn’t meaningful, it had no reason, it did not reflect anything I actually believed accept for the issues I stated before I joked about blowing up countries. I should’ve at least received a grade for the paper, why else would I’ve written it? Did I do it for my health? Did I do it to exercise my typing skills? Hell, no! I did this paper for a grade and, damn it, I should’ve gotten a C at the very least. Some people have no sense of humor.
P.S.: I do not believe in blowing up countries if I didn’t have a good reason. France: no reason; Cuba: reason; Poland: not a good enough reason; Africa: no reason, besides they’re a continent.
P.S.S.: If you add an "I" between "P" and "S.S.", it spells "PISS". Heh-heh… heh-heh… heh-heh… hehhhh…