Interview with Evan 'The Hammer' Mason

What team do you support?
Every other team is shit. I hate the Queen, prodies and everyone from Govan and England. (Dundee United)

What's Your fondest memory at East End Park?
None. All Shit. Worst is being ripped off £1.70 for a fucking steak bridie. I bet in Forfar they don't charge £1.70 for a steak Bridie and that's where they make them. I don't have a fond memory at East End Park.

What are your views on the Old Firm being chucked out of the SPL?
I would love to see the Old Firm chucked out of the SPL, and in fact Europe. I think they should play in the Australian league coz it's the furthest away point from this country. Plus, half of the Rangers team are fucking Australian anyway. They do nothing for Scottish football. Glory hunters.

Would the Old Firm would last a second in the English League?
Hopefully they would get relegated the first season. All of their fans would get done in at away games, which would lead to a complete ban from European football.

What do you think of JC?
I like him coz when I worked in the Pissbauchlie, Jimmy Calderwood, John Yorkston and a Gook came in once. I don't know if he was Vietnamese, a gook, Charlie, Greaser, Wap or Spic.

So why come to East End Park if you support the Terrors?
Because I like to support my local team (unless they come fae Govan). I'm sick of seeing folk jumping on a bus to Celtic Park or Direbrox. So even though I hate the Pars, I go to East End Park coz I'm all about ethics I am.

What's your worst East End Park moment?
Seen a little Dundee supporter with a T-shirt on saying, "I will never be an Arab." I hate Dundee. I hate Dundee! Fucking little bastard, why was he wearing that at a Pars match? Shit team. Shit fans. Shit players. Shit fanzine. Smell like shit and look like shit and they ain't ever gonna be shit. Old firm wannabes, that's what Dundee are, old firm wannabes. That's what I think about Dundee. But I'm not bitter. I pray that Rangers and Celtic will take them to Australia with them.