02.24.04 / 06.23.02 Top Ten Video Game Bad Asses #10 - Guts (Sword of the Berserk: Guts' Rage) - I really wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of this guy. What with him being the hero of the probably obscure Dreamcast title, Sword of the Berserk: Guts' Rage. So why is he bad enough to be in the top ten? Well considering he wields probably the largest sword every wielded by a video game character and fights horeds of mutated zombie people, I'd say that's more than enough reason. Also he generally doesn't take much flack from people and unless there is some benefit to him he isn't going to be working for you anytime soon. Only his incredibly annoying sidekick fairy thing brings him down. God that stupid fairy is so horridly annoying. #9 - Zero (Mega Man X Series) - What would be a hero be without his mysterious non quite a sidekick helping hand/foil. He is the Cyborg Ninja to Snake's Snake, The Solid Snake to Raiden's Raiden, the Tuxedo Mask to Sailor Moon's Sailor Moon, and he is all around pretty cool. Not only does he look cooler than Mega Man X, but he wields a blatant Star Wars rip off for a weapon. While previously he has not had a long range weapon to go with his Z-Saber, recent games have added one making X more or less completely obsolete. Not to mention this is a guy that several times has look death straight in the eyes, gotten mauled by death, then gotten right back up and said "HA HA YOU WILL NEVER KILL ME FOR I AM A TOTAL BAD ASS!". #8 - Ryu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden) - Ninja vengeance is always a good thing. And this guy was one of the first guys to do it right. He learns of his father's demise and then instantly heads off on a killing spree in a quest to find out who did it. None of this "let's walk around for years questioning villagers" bull shit. Just straight down and dirty slaughter. And it certainly gets the job done. Let's not forget his pretty nifty sword magic power ups. Huge flaming balls that spiral off the screen, boomerang ninja stars that a good player can keep going throughout the level. Also don't forget he could climb walls before good old Strider was learning to walk. #7 - Blade and Striker (Bad Dudes) - Hey, it's all in the title man, "Bad Dudes" It's just the censors of the world keeping the Ass from getting in there. Not only are they Bad Ass enough to eat burgers with the president, but they battle an army of Ninjas in the process. And not with martial arts but good old fashioned American Ass kicking. How many other games end with hand to hand combat on the leg of a helicopter anyway? Actually probably quite a few knowing the NES, but still, these guys are Bad Ass, even their game says so. #6 - Captain Ladd (Bionic Commando) - Ok, so he does have a pretty shitty wimpy name. But then so Does Captain America, however unlike like Captain America, he doesn't come off as a total fucking pansy. Like Captain America however, he fights hordes of evil Nazis. Not too many games feature Nazis outside the Wolfenstein games. And even then this one only has them in the original version because apparently teaching children that Nazis are evil and should be shot isn't "all American" enough for the gaming industry. Also let's not forget he fights these Nazis without the ability to jump. Instead he gets a cool "Go go Gadget Arms" arm to swing around with. And swing around you'll have to do over pits and spikes, across short gaps, up the sides of tall buildings, or even right into the enemy sending them flying. Let's not forget the flat top and sunglasses Ladd always wears. The final kicker here, not only does he fight Nazis, but he also fights Hitler in a helicopter at the end. AND we are treated to Hitler's head exploding as an ending to his game. If you don't believe that ranks up there then well, you are full of shit and are wrong. #5 - The GTA3 Guy (Grand Theft Auto 3) - Ahh, another story of vengeance. What do you do when your girlfriend betrays you and leaves you for dead to be arrested? Why wreck havoc across an entire city of course! Sure this guy doesn't say too much, but who needs talk when you are gunning down a former employer without a second thought. All for the money baby. Though let's consider maybe a former employer was a bit seedy and maybe he had it coming. Perhaps you think gunning down mob bosses is still a little too fruity to be bad ass. Then feel free to gun down all the old women you want. Steal their cars and run them over even. Set fire to a park full of people and then the cops that come after you as a result. Hell burn the whole city down. Or better yet go on a massive rampage across the city in a tank! Plus let's not forget about the end of the game. The moral here is "Who needs women". #4 - Mad "Bill" Dog (Contra) - I guess we have a general trend building up here. Killing a lot of people single handedly using lots of cool weaponry makes you a bad ass. That's sort of the definition of bad ass really. That and looking cool while you do rampage. What do you get when you take Rambo and make him fight aliens? You get Contra. And it's hero Mad Dog. Not only does Mad Dog fight armies of Red Falcon members, but you also have to face off with tanks of several variety, lots of painful spiked traps, giants, enemy fortresses, a giant skull, an army of aliens and it's all topped off but a giant brain. Konami sure loves thier giant brain bosses don't they? Like the "Master Mind" actually has to be a "mind" instead of just being an expression. Also Mad Dog has the honor or wielding the almighty SPREADER gun, the best weapon in any video game. #3 - Kunio (River City Ransom, Dodge Ball, ect.) - While we suspect he may be going on his violent gang fighting spree for the sake of helping his friend Ryan's Girlfriend, there isn't really anyway to explain single player mode with that going. You see, unlike player 2, aka Ryan, Alex does not have a kidnapped girl to rescue atop River City High. In fact there isn't really anything up there that would make him want to go up there. So what does he do? He goes up there and beats Slick to a bloody pulp anyway. But it's no easy trip. along the way Alex will have to eat lots of food to get stronger (because who needs a gym when everyone knows fast food burgers make you stronger and faster), he'll have to pay for this by stealing the lunch monies of lots of gang members along the way. But why would he want to beat on hundreds if not thousands of gang members all over the city? Probably because he thinks it's fun or something. Or maybe, he is just a bad ass mother fucker. #2 - Squall Leonheart (Final Fantasy 8) - Hey, everyone wields a sword. It takes a REAL man to wield s a gun and a sword at the same time. And not just a gun in one hand and a sword in the other, no, Squall is so cool he weilds a sword that IS a gun. How bad ass is that? Hell the only other person that wields the Gunblade is his archrival Seifer, but Seifer is kind of a whiney pussy, so he doesn't make it to the status of Bad Assdom that Squall does. But wait! There is more! Not only does Squall use the awesome Gunblade, but he also has the coolest limit of any Final Fantasy game ever. Leonheart. Now sure a regular attack is ok, but how about two DOZEN attacks all executed with lightning speed and brutal results. Squall's limit can kill even the toughest monsters in one or two rounds. Plus like many of our winners here, he has the look down pretty well too. He just manages to skirt the fine line between total bad ass with a cool sword and flaming homosexual in his look. But he does it just right as to come off as a guy that says "I don't give a shit about you" or better summed up in his own words "...whatever". #1 - Solid Snake (Metal Gear, Metal Gear 2:Solid Snake, Snake's Revenge, Metal Gear Solid, Metal Gear Solid: VR Training, Metal Gear: Ghost Babel, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance, Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, Metal Geat Solid 3: Snake Eater) By now it should be obvious even if you were never part of the #ramenjunkie guessing game that this guy in number one. I mean he is just too cool to not be on the list and he has not been on it previously. So what makes Snake so cool? Well maybe it's the fact that he can talk about Vamp's history in the middle of combat and keep a straight face. Or his Need to smoke in front of his superiors even though they hate it. Or perhaps it's just that he tends to be a one man army on multiple occasions against incredible odds. On that note, how about a little history to help point out what makes this guy "Bad Ass Number One". It all started with a rookie sent in to rescue a war hero code named Gray Fox. Sent in armed with only a pack of cigarettes, snake infiltrates the base and soon learns of the existence of Metal Gear. Metal Gear being a huge walking battle tank that for some reason doesn't actually appear in the game, probably had something to do with hardware at the time. So Snake does what any unarmed rookie would do, he kicks the shit out of everyone on the base, rescues all the hostages including the almighty Gray Fox then proceeds to destroy the Metal Gear control system. Finally, he goes after the terrorist leader against orders only to find out that the Terrorist leader is in fact his commander in chief, Big Boss. Then some other stuff happens. I've actually not gotten around to playing Metal Gear 2 or Snakes Revenge fully thought I have copies of both. Anyway Snake then gets to go up against a new Metal Gear and this time he gets to fight Gray Fox to death in a minefield in hand to hand combat (HURT ME MORE!). Also in Snake's Revenge we find out Snake's life is not all chasing huge robots armed with nuclear missiles and we get some other mission involving other things. Anyway, it's not important really. Back on track though, Snake gets called out of retirement, well more like forced at gunpoint while sleeping in his underwear I'd say, anyway, to come back and fight a new group of Terrorists ont he island of Shadow Moses. Now things get interesting (read: weird, sometimes lame). This round Snake gets to fight an army of his own 'brothers'. Don't tell him though, he doesn't find out till the end of the game where he gets to fight his true twin Brother as well. And of course his brother has been cleverly named "Liquid Snake" to match Snake's "Solid". God aren't game designer's clever? I'd have loved to have met those parents. Oh wait, we did meet his father. His brilliant name was "Big Boss". Correct me if I'm wrong but shouldn't Snake's name be "Solid Boss"? Anywho Snake once again kills Metal Gear and kills Liquid. Let me repeat a bit here for those who are a bit slow on the draw. This guy is such a Bad Ass fucker he killed his own father AND brother. And he didn't care. Now on to Metal Gear Solid 2, because I haven't played Ghost Babel either and apparently its just a remake of MGS1. Actually let's not mention MGS2. Basically Snake jacks around doing nothing all game. I guess even a bad ass eventually figures out there will always be some other schmuck around to do your dirty work.