Disclaimer:  I do not own Joey and Dawson, no infringement intended.

 

Title:  Your Mistake

 

Rating:  NC-17 for language and sexual situations

 

Keywords:  Joey/Dawson Romance

 

Summary:  When Joey and Dawson are both 32 and their lives are separate, Joey’s extremely abusive husband forces Joey to take her and her daughter to the last safe place.  Will the magic that has always been between Joey and Dawson bloom again when she puts her life in his hands?

 

Author:  Paradise, e-mail is [email protected].

 

Feedback:  OF COURSE!  PLEASE!

 

Comments:  Camille is my eldest niece’s name so Joey’s daughter is named after her.  This story is one that I have wanted to write for a very long time and I’m proud of most of it.  It was originally an original fiction story but I made it a Dawson’s Creek story so I hope you enjoy it.  The title, Your Mistake, is shamelessly taken from Sister Hazel’s song, Your Mistake, which in the song was to be anything but his love’s mistake.  If you have heard this song you know what I’m talking about, and if not, it’s a great song.  As a strong woman myself, I enjoyed writing Joey as a strong women, and I do believe that should she ever be in this position, this is somewhat how she would react, because she like me is a great feminist.  J  Also, I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR, so if my medicine in this story is incorrect, forgive me.  And if you can correct what I’ve written because you are a doctor, feedback is welcome!

 

WARNING:  There is some violence in this, nothing extremely graphic IMO but more graphic in the suspense and the emotion in the actions. 

 

Chapter 1

 

            She’d had enough.  She’d had fucking enough.  She looked at herself in the mirror and couldn’t believe who was staring back at her.  A frail, weak woman without any integrity or strength and she was tired of it.  It hurt to walk, to breathe.  The last argument ended in a broken rib or two…among other impressions of evil on her skin.  She was leaving.  She couldn’t bear one more minute lying in the same bed with him, his arm over her, him wanting to make love to her after he’d beat the crap out of her. 

            The first time he’d hit her she’d actually deserved it.  Well…no woman deserves to be hit but if the roles had been reversed, she would’ve slapped him too.  That wasn’t very admirable on her part but it was true, and she regretted the words she’d said to him that day…almost a year ago.  Then David got into a whole bunch of financial trouble and began behaving in ways he never had before.  As a doctor Joey knew that there are neurological reasons for abnormal behavior and had a friend of hers do tests on him to see if there was a physical reason for his unhappy and sometimes dangerous behavior.  There wasn’t, and the fact that she thought there might be angered him even more.  The second time he hit her she threw him out of the house and he had had to work his way back into her life, and he did, giving her every trust in the world that he had changed.  Therapy and many long weeks of hard work on his part.  She feared his anger would constantly increase and he would get into this habit of terrorizing and not be able to get out of it.  But he did work hard at getting his anger and his act together.  She loved him, and she thought when she’d let him back in the house and in their daughter’s life again that whatever it was that had allowed his mind to conceive hitting her as an okay thing had stopped. 

 

            It hadn’t.

 

            And she was scared to death, somehow doing the thing she hated most as a woman…feeling guilty for his violence.  Becoming the frightened, abused wife.  Allowing her child to even witness it, become a part of it.  And now it was time to get the hell out of here, or choose to live as this specimen of a strong woman she used to know and admire.  Either she stays and endures it, or takes the kid and gets out. 

 

            She was choosing to leave. 

           

            She got out her bag from the closet she’d packed while he was out.  She’d gotten the money she’d been saving in case of emergency for the last six years, which was now about one hundred thousand dollars and headed for her daughter’s room.  She wasn’t worried about David waking up because he’d been complaining of insomnia for a few weeks so she had let a med-student friend of hers prescribe a prescription that pretty much knocked him out.  She had another doctor prescribe the medicine specifically so she would not be accused of drugging him.

 

            Two days ago, his most violent beat of her yet, she took care of herself like she would a woman who had come into the hospital raped.  She took the evidence from her body as medically and as detached from it as she could, then personally took it to the police who had filed a report and a restraining order he would receive…tomorrow.  Joey left Camille’s stereo on just in case David should wake up, he would know Camille was probably still asleep in her room.  Camille sighed in her mother’s arms as Joey carried her downstairs and outside, putting the bag in the trunk where she had three others, and covered her sleeping child up in the backseat.  Joey held her breath to keep from crying out in the pain of carrying her daughter with broken ribs.  She wrote David a quick note and left it on the kitchen counter.

 

David,

 

Have my blood on your hands, but never will you touch my child.

 

So angry with the memories that she shook, she took out a pocketknife and sliced the palm of her hand, letting the blood drop onto the letter.  She bandaged her hand up immediately, barely feeling pain.

 

Have my blood David, and enjoy it.  You got to make me bleed, but you will never…again.

 

Jo. 

 

Then she got in the front seat, exhaled, looked for the last time at her beautiful house, and started the car.  Driving out of Chicago she headed for the last place she’d felt safe, the last person she ever thought she wouldn’t be with the rest of her life.  Phone calls and Christmas cards was it for a few years now…how ironic tonight was Christmas Eve. 

            “Mommy?” Camille said from the backseat.

            “Yeah baby?” Joey said, reaching back to caress her daughter’s face.

            “Play the music, loud.”

            “All right,” Joey said, turning on the radio.

            Camille for a few weeks now had been unable to sleep without the music on, and the music loud.  Joey and David allowed it, feeling they were somehow responsible and that the music soothed her when they couldn’t.  It being Christmas Eve, the Carol of the Bells by Trans Siberian was playing.  It was the transformed, hard rock version.  And as it played, the memories of his hand against her face hit her hard as the notes of the piano waved through the speakers in her fabulous Jaguar sound system.  It brought the anger up inside her and silent, angry tears streamed down her cheeks.  It took her several minutes to realize her death grip on the steering wheel and loosen it. 

            Heading to LA, Joey was so glad she’d been the feminist in this marriage and had her own money, her own credit cards, her own accounts, her own name, her own car and her own damn cell phone.  She thankfully hadn’t given him all the power in the moment of pure love as they said their vows.  He couldn’t cut off her money the minute he found out she was gone and he couldn’t track her down so easily.  Not like it would take him more than three guesses to know where she was heading and to whom she was heading to, but at least she wouldn’t feel so much like a hunted down fugitive.  She wasn’t taking a plane because he could easily hop on one the next day and find her.  Driving though, he couldn’t know her exact whereabouts for many many hours.  She’d done her best though to leave tiny hints that she would escape to Bessie’s.  Wherever he assumed she’d gone, he would check the flights and know she hadn’t been on any, so he couldn’t track her down until she was ready for him.

           

            Camille awoke as the sun came up.

            “Mommy, where are we?”

            “Just outside of Illinois, baby, we’re going to California.”

            “To get away from Daddy?”

            Joey swore she’d never lie to her child; she’d give her child the respect of the truth, always.

            “Yes baby.  But I don’t want you to worry about anything, I’m gonna take care of everything.  Everything’s gonna be fine.”

            “Play the song and sing it Mommy.”

            Joey stuck the CD in the stereo and played Dolly Parton’s Light of a Clear Blue Morning, one of Camille’s favorite songs.  And it applied beautifully to what they were feeling now.

 

            “It’s been a long, dark night,

            And I’ve been waiting for the morning,

            It’s been a long, hard fight,

            But I see a brand new day dawning,

            I’ve been looking for the sunshine,

            Cause I ain’t seen it in so long,

            And everything’s gonna work out just fine,

            Everything’s gonna be all right,

            It’s been all wrong.

 

            “Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning,

            I can see the light of a brand new day,

            I can see the light of clear blue morning,

            And everything’s gonna be all right,

            It’s gonna be okay.”

 

            “Sing it with her, Mom,” Camille asked.

            Joey joined in.

 

            “Cause I am strong and I can prove it,

            And I’ve got my dreams to see me through.

            It’s just a mountain, I can move it.

            And with faith enough, there’s nothing, I can’t do.”

 

            “Does that comfort you, baby?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Can you tell me why you need the music?”

            She looked through the rearview mirror and Camille shook her head.  Joey sighed.

            “Baby you know there’s nothing you can’t tell me, right?  You know that I love you more than anything and that there is nothing you could ever tell me that would make me stop loving you.”

            “I’ll tell you soon,” Camille said.

            “Okay, I won’t push you, you tell me anything you want whenever you feel safe too.  Let’s get some breakfast.”

 

            The next day and a half was pretty much spent in the car, Joey desperately wanting to get there.  The pain of her allowing her marital problems to sink to this level, to have broken ribs and bruises on skin, what kind of a woman was she?  She’d always been a feminist, HE’D always been a feminist.  He had given her more support than she could’ve ever imagined, they’d met and clicked because he was so pro-woman and then he snapped and began to fall into the violence like it was safer, no matter how much it hurt her, how much he hurt her.  Now it was an obsession, now it was a fight, now it was time for her to give everything she had and beat him.  And she would.  Another night came and Joey kept the music on, not just for Camille, but for herself.  And she sang the songs she loved.  Whitney Houston’s Tell Me No, Mariah Carey’s Hero, Madonna’s Human Nature, Jon Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life, Billie Myers Kiss the Rain, LeAnne Rhimes Insensitive, Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall.  Hard Rock songs, slow Pop Rock songs, songs that had meaning, songs that soothed her.

            When Shania Twain’s Black Eyes, Blue Tears came on, Joey sang along, believing the words she sang and finally feeling the strength and the passion to overcome this.

 

            “Black eyes, I don’t need em,

            Blue tears, give me freedom.

 

            No more rolling, with the punches,

            No more using, or abusing,

            I’d rather die standing,

            Than live on my knees,

            Begging please,

            No more black eyes, I don’t need em,

            Blue tears, give me freedom.

 

            No more crying, in the corner,

            No excuses, no more bruises,

            I’d rather die standing,

            Than live on my knees,

            Begging please,

            No more black eyes, I don’t em,

            Blue tears, give me freedom.

 

            She cried when Camille slept, she cursed herself out for everything she’d let happen and she tanked up on coffee every few hours, refusing to sleep until she’d gotten there.  And she knew it was gonna kill her.  She could feel the bags under her eyes as her tired body drove through this town and that, seeing the beauty of the countryside and the cities until she finally entered California, and then she had to sleep.  She checked into a hotel under a different name, paid with cash, slept five hours with her daughter in her arms, then was on the road again.

            She needed to play “I Am Woman” and she definitely sang along to this one.

 

            “I am woman, hear me roar,

            In numbers too big to ignore,

            And I know too much to go back and pretend.

            Cause I’ve heard it all before,

            And I’ve been down there on the floor.

            No one’s ever gonna keep me down again.

 

            “Yes I’m wise,

            But it’s wisdom born of pain,

            Yes I’ve paid the price,

            But look how much I’ve gained,

            If I have to, I can do anything,

            I am strong, I am invisible, I am woman.

 

            “You can bend but never break me,

            Cause it only serves to make me,

            More determined to achieve my final goal.

            And I’ll come back even stronger,

            Not a novice any longer,

            Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul.”

 

            “Great song but the corniest music known to man,” Joey mumbled to herself as she looked back to see Camille still sleeping.  “Should’ve had an actual rock star remake it,” she said, feeling good playing songs about strong women.  She needed that attitude right now, all those types of songs she could possibly play right now.  She had to believe she could get through this, so she was going to listen to whatever song would thrive inside her and give her hope. 

 

It wasn’t an accident that she was playing the songs she was right now.

 

Her daughter slept and at two o’clock in the morning, she arrived.  She pulled up to the gates and got out of the car, slowly walking towards the bars that surrounded the beautiful house.  She reached for the bars and rested her face against them, hoping to find a light on in the house but didn’t.  Then the tears came again, the frustration of it all bursting forth as she yanked the bars, knowing they wouldn’t open, but in the desperation of being inside these bars, to be safe. 

            “Dammit!” she cried, and looked around the completely quiet, dark night.  “Dawson!” she shouted through the bars.  “Dawson please hear me!”

            She looked to her left and found the security system.  She pressed the button, nothing happened.  She pressed every button until she was so infuriated she was pounding the buttons until something happened.  A light in the house came on and she felt the happy tears roll down her already damp cheeks.  She jerked the bars again, shouting his name until she heard a door open in the distance.

            “Dawson!” she said, seeing him.  “Dawson it’s me!”

            She saw him come forward a bit into the moonlight and smiled at the sight of him.

            “Jo?” he said, running forward to reach her and open the gates.

            Throwing herself into his arms she cried as she hugged him.

            “Oh thank God oh thank God,” she sobbed against him.

            “What is it?” he said, hugging her back.  “What’s wrong?”

            “Mommy?” Camille said, getting out of the car.

            Joey instantly wiped her tears and went to pick up her daughter.  Dawson knew Joey was on the brink of losing it so he asked no questions but quickly got both of them into his house.

            “Camille honey, this is my very good friend Dawson, can you say hi?”

            Camille did, then looked back at her mother and hugged her.

            “Can we stay here, can we stop here?”

            Joey’s eyes met Dawson’s saying absolutely.

            “Yeah baby, we can stay here.”

            “Let me get you to bed, Camille, and then in the morning you can play in the pool with your mother,” Dawson said.  “Do you want some ice cream before you go to bed?”

            “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Joey said. 

            When they went into the kitchen and Dawson turned on the light, he saw Joey’s bruised and beaten face, but said nothing in front of Camille and tried to play it normal.  He took them both up to a guest bedroom with a huge, king size bed where Joey laid a tired Camille down in.

            “You sleep baby.”

            “I need music,” Camille said.

            Dawson watched Joey mother her daughter from the door.  Joey caressed her daughter’s face and covered her up warmly.

            “Honey, can you trust me enough to just whisper to me why you need the music, can you love me enough to tell me?”

            Camille sat up and hugged her mother, rubbing her back and Joey felt the tears again, her daughter loved her.

            “So I won’t hear you and Daddy,” she whispered.

            Joey sobbed slightly, rocking her child.

            “Oh honey that’s so good.  You told me, and I love you so much.  Thank you for telling me sweetie, oh my God I love you so much.  I’m sorry, angel, there will be no more yelling and no fighting.  Can you try to sleep without the music?”

            “Hey, I can play something,” Dawson said, coming into the huge guestroom and turning on the stereo.

            “Thank you,” Joey lip sank to him, then turned back to her daughter.  “Can you sleep?”

            Camille nodded and Joey tucked her one more time, then left the room with Dawson.  But as soon as she shut the door she crumbled to the floor, and Dawson caught her just in time.  She sobbed against his chest, harder than he’d ever seen her cry.  She hadn’t cried this hard since her mother died.  He asked no questions but gently threw her up in his arms and carrying her into his bedroom where he’d momentarily placed her bags.  He sat down on the bed and held her in his lap until her gut-wrenching sobs finally subsided.  She pulled back, slightly embarrassed as she wiped her tears, but her mascara was covering her cheeks, there was nothing she could do to hide it.

            “I…I uh guess I don’t have to tell you what happened,” she said as the light hit her face and she knew he saw her bruises.

            “You drove here?”

            She nodded.  “Yeah.  I thought about the last place I felt safe and it was with you.  I’m so sorry but I couldn’t-“

            “Stop, don’t apologize.  There is nothing in the world that could make me happier than knowing I’m still the one you come to.”

            “Always,” she said to him. 

            “Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

            “No, I took care of that part.  Thank you.  Can I wash my face?”

            “Yeah, come on,” he said but when he pushed her gently off of him so they could both stand up she shrieked in pain.  “What, Joey what’s wrong?”

            “Two ribs are broken, the painkillers are wearing off.”

            “Jesus and you’ve driven over a thousand miles beat up, on the run, and on painkillers with a five year old child?”

            “Dawson please don’t lecture me, I’ve driven the past seventeen hours straight and yet I’m so wound up I can’t sleep yet.”

            “I wasn’t going to lecture you.  I was going to tell you how proud I am of you.  Come on,” he said, taking her hand leading her into the bathroom.  “Wash your face and I’ll show you to another guest room.”

            “Dawson wait,” she said.  “I need some familiarity, some security, so could we just…I don’t know, watch a movie like we used to together?”

            “What movie?”

            “Something you used to drive me up the wall with.”

            “E.T.?”

            “Perfect,” she said and he laughed.  “Dawson thank you.  I’m going to ask a lot of you because I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone.  I’ll find a way to make it up to you but please let me be here.”

            He held her shoulders in his hands.  “Joey, I can be your safe place, I can be your rock, the only thing I ever and will ever refuse to be is your mistake.”

            That touched her so deeply she almost started crying again.

            “Don’t make me cry again,” she half laughed.  “Just go get the movie, and Dawson, you were always anything but my mistake.  You may be the one thing I did right.”

            In a few minutes she came out in pajamas and her face pale and clean except for the bruises.  Dawson had pulled the covers of the bed back.

            “Hop in,” he said and she smiled, climbing in.      

            “Oh yeah, this is familiar, now let’s go through every credit in respect for the people behind the scenes and analyze why he used a gray filter in scene number thirteen instead of a blue.”

            “All right all right, but instead of E.T. we’re watching Hook, it’s a comedy and from what’s been going on in your life you need something light.”

            “I still cry at the end when he doesn’t love Tinker Bell back and she says she’ll wait for him forever between the place where you’re asleep and awake.  That kills me.”

            “Well…live,” he said and she laughed. 

            “Ow, don’t make me laugh, it hurts.”

            “Come here, Ms. MD,” he said, pulling her into his arms.  “Just rest, you’re safe, you’re daughter’s safe.”

            “He’s gonna know I came here.”

            “Fine, tomorrow we’ll take the necessary precautions.  I’ll protect you, Joey.”

            “I love you, Dawson,” she whispered as she closed her eyes and lied on his chest.

            Fear welled up in Dawson, for her pain, for what had she been through.

            “I love you too.”

 

Chapter 2

 

            Joey awoke in the huge bed alone, she rolled over to look at the clock.  It was past two in the afternoon.  She shot up out of bed then clutched her chest as her broken ribs ached.  She worried where Dawson and Camille were until she heard something downstairs.  She crawled out of the bed and walked over to the window.  Dawson was playing with Camille in the indoor pool.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  She had to go join them and face the hard journey she had ahead of her.

            She quickly showered and changed, then put makeup on to cover her bruises.  Going downstairs she opened his back door and into the indoor swimming pool that had clear walls so the outdoor light would shine through.  She leaned against the side, watching Dawson play with her daughter.  When his eyes caught hers and she laughed, he smiled.             

            “Morning Mommy!”

            “Morning angel,” Joey replied.  “You think you can play out here while I borrow Dawson for a few minutes?”

            “Course, I have my water wings,” Camille replied.

            “All right, but don’t go anywhere I can’t see you.”

            When he came back into the house, she shut the backdoor. 

            “Merry Christmas,” he said.

            She smiled sadly.  “Merry Christmas.”

            “I uh…hadn’t had a chance to mail you your gift so here it is,” Dawson said, handing her a nicely wrapped box.

            Joey snatched it out of his hand and pulled him against her for an embrace.

            “Thank you,” she whispered, feeling safe in his arms. 

            “You haven’t even opened it.”

“I know,” she said.  “Give me a minute.”

She undid the wrapping and it was a frame full of pictures of them from their childhood and teen years.

“Oh my God,” she said, seeing a picture of herself she hated, but she just laughed.  “I didn’t know you even had these,” she smiled.  “Thank you,” she said, hugging him again.

He hugged her back but had to tell her.

“Jo, he bailed himself out of prison.”

            She pulled back and looked into his eyes.

            “What?”

            “The police arrested him for abusing you, the abuse you evidently took to the police.  You’ve got a restraining order against him, but you haven’t gotten one for Camille.  That’s a different package all together.  I’ve done some calling for the family courts to get you the best lawyers we can but he’s made bail.”

            “Shit,” Joey said under her breath.  “So now I’ve pissed him off by throwing him in prison and taking his daughter, this is just…great,” she said, running her fingers through her hair. 

            “I’ve started on more security for this house, you and Camille can stay here as long as you need to.”

            Joey looked at Dawson.  “Dawson this is serious, in the past he’s wanted to kick me and break me, now I bet he wants to kill me, and anyone who will help me.”

            “I’m not afraid of him.”

            Why did men always say that?

            “Well, fine, but I am.  I am afraid to be his punching bag again, and I am scared to lose my daughter to him.”

            Dawson put his hands over Joey’s shoulders.

            “Calm down, take a breath,” he said.  “You will not lose your daughter to him.  You did the smart thing.  You got proof of his behavior and you got it to the police.  You think the courts are going to give Camille to an abusive husband?”

            “Dawson, I took his daughter in the middle of the night over a thousand miles away.”

            “He was possibly going to kill you!  He laid his hands on you violently and you had to get out-“

            “I know this, Dawson, but will the courts?  Because there is nothing more important in the world to me than my daughter.  Not the law, not my husband, not my life.  It’s her life and I will not let her be anymore tainted from this than she already is.”

            “Jo, come here,” he said, pulling her to him.

Feeling his arms around her, inhaling the familiar and comforting scent of him, she breathed, then exhaled, letting it all out.  Just then the phone rang and Joey jumped back in fear. 

            “It’s okay,” Dawson said, but Joey trembled and he wanted to know what the hell David had done to her.  Answering the phone, “Hello?” Joey went back to watching her daughter through the backdoor. 

            “God please help me,” she whispered.

            “Merry Christmas.  No, haven’t heard from her, should I?  Is she planning to come up here?” Dawson said and Joey got that it was David on the phone. 

            Walking towards Dawson she yanked the phone out of his hand, this was no time to pretend.  She would thank Dawson for his efforts, but she wasn’t couldn’t afford lying on top of everything else.

            “David?” she said.

            She put him on the speakerphone so she wouldn’t have to hold anything.  Her strength was unraveling inside of her, she could barely stand.  She was shivering too much to hold the phone, mostly from anger and pure fear.  She supported herself by keeping her hands on the counter.

            “Yeah, it’s me.”

            “That was a beautiful Christmas present, stealing my daughter and throwing me in prison.”

            “I didn’t think they’d arrest you unless you came to me, so I apologize for that.”

            “You left with a note with your blood on it, and you kidnapped my daughter.”

            “No, I didn’t.  Kidnapping is when someone abducts another person against their will.  I took with me that same child I took with me everywhere I went while pregnant.  I will never be without her David,” Joey said firmly.

            “Joey come home, we can put this behind us, you know I love you more than anything-“

            “Oh yes, and all the bruises and lacerations on my body are just examples of your affection,” she replied bitterly.  “I want a divorce, and I want you to stay the hell away from me before you kill me.”

            “Joey I love you and would never intentionally hurt you—I know I have and I’m sorry but we can work this out.  We’ve done it before.”

            “That’s EXACTLY the point David,” Joey said, her eyes filling with tears.  “Every time I think we’re passed this, something goes wrong in our life and you take the violence inside you out on me.  I can’t hear anymore excuses, I can’t be the understanding loving wife any longer because you need help that I can’t give you.  So it’s over.”

            Dawson stood by quietly, listening to every word, witnessing Joey’s strong behavior.  He knew though that she was breaking, and he would do anything to put her back together.  The line was silent for a few seconds but Joey could still hear his breathing.  Finally he spoke.

            “Joey you don’t want me as your enemy,” he said with a warning tone.

            “No I don’t,” she stated. 

            “Do you still love me?”

            “Yes!” she said without hesitation, which surprised Dawson.  “But I am not a woman whose husband beats her up over and over!  I’m not someone who will live my life afraid of someone she loves.  So my objective right now is to survive you, and all you’ve done to me.”

            “From me?  Jo I’m willing to give this another chance-“

            “Oh YOU’RE willing?  Why the hell should you be feeling so damn gracious allowing ME a second chance?”

            “You threw me in prison and stole my daughter!”

            “OUR daughter, and with two broken ribs and bruises all over my body, how can you expect me not to leave and get the hell out of there to safety.”

            “So this is war, is that what you’re telling me?”

            She sighed.  “Yeah, I guess it is.  If that’s the way you want to play it.  You know if you really loved me and Camille you’d let us go, you’d realize that you for some reason cannot control this violence and that you hurt the people you supposedly love!”

            “I will never give you up, Joey.  You think a restraining order will keep me from you or Camille?”

            “Don’t threaten me,” Joey said, both her hands on the counter for support as she spoke to the speaker in front of her. 

            “Why?” he asked with a chilly voice that churned inside Joey.  “Because you’re afraid I might kill you in my “violence”?”

            “Stranger things have happened,” she replied. 

            “And what if it does get so ugly that death seems to be one of your choices?”

            Joey sighed, wiping her tears with the back of her hands.

            “Then I’d rather die standing than live on my knees afraid of you, pleading with you not to hurt me until I no longer no the difference between love and pain.  Do you hear me?”

            Dawson knew he had to get her off the phone before she said something that could incriminate her.  David may be taping this conversation and planning to use it in court.  He could easily cut out his own lines.

            “Joey, come on, hang up the phone,” he said coming over to stand beside her, placing his hand over hers.

            “Oh yes, hello Dawson,” David said.  “Did you sleep with my wife on Christmas Eve?”

            “David!” Joey exclaimed.  “Stop it, don’t make this worse than it is and DON’T bring Dawson into this!”

            “I didn’t, you did.  And you’re still legally my wife by law and by God.”

            “We didn’t have a religious wedding so do not throw God in my face to make me feel guilty for saving my own life,” Joey said.  “And as for legally married, all that means is we have some papers to sign.  The law is irrelevant, the marriage was between us, not the government, especially if it can’t see loud and clear that we are over!”

            “Jo,” Dawson said, trying to pull her back from the phone but she slapped his hands away from her, unwilling to leave the discussion unfinished.

            “You will NEVER hurt me again, David, do you hear me?”

            “Jo!”

            “Dawson let me go,” she said as he gently dragged her from the phone.  “And you will never get my daughter!” she shouted back to the phone. 

            Dawson let go of Joey and quickly hung up the phone line.  He turned back to her, her beautiful face confused, scared, and angry.

            “Why the hell did you do that?”

            “Because he might’ve been taping that conversation and could very well edit it to his own advantage and use it in court.”

            Joey’s eyes widened.  “Oh my God, you’re right.  Dammit, I uh…I can’t wait any longer, I have to get to work to this now,” she said, reaching for the phone but Dawson slammed his hand over hers, stopping her.

            “Jo, what you need is to take a breath.  You look so much better today, you have more color, you don’t have circles under your eyes but you are gonna go nuts if you don’t slow it down.”

            She threw his hand off hers and picked up the phone.

            “I can’t rest until I know I have my daughter and that we are both safe.”

            “Who are you calling?”

            “The police in Chicago, I want them to ship all the evidence and the paperwork here.  Here, where I will find a fabulous lawyer.”

            “Already got you an appointment today with one.”

            “You got me a lawyer?” she asked.

            “Yep, supposed to be the best in many many miles to come.  She’s coming by tonight, but I’m also setting up extra security so please feel as safe as you can.”

            “How the hell did you get a lawyer to come talk to me on Christmas Day?”

            “No family, ambitious as hell, and especially interested in your case.  She’s very smart and dedicated to using the law for the greater good, and your situation should she help you, would be using the law for the greater good.”

            Looking at him, she knew how much she loved him, and how much he loved her.  She smiled at him, then dialed the number.  She was tough and firm about what she wanted done with her evidence and it made Dawson admire her again.  The phone rang again and Joey picked it up.

            “David!  Don’t show up here, I’m warning you.”

            “Jo?”

            It was Pacey, shit, that was smooth of her.

            “H-hi Pacey.”

            “You okay?  What are you doing there?”

            “I…I can’t talk right now, I’m sorry, here’s Dawson.”

            Joey handed Dawson the phone and went out to the pool to check on Camille.

            “Daws?  You there man?”

            “Yeah Pace, I’m here, what’s up?”

            “What’s going on?”

            Dawson sighed.  “David beat the hell out of her.”

            “What?  Are you sure?”

            “Yeah, absolutely.  Jo’s got the bruises to prove it.  The son of a bitch kicked the hell out of her and broke her ribs.”

            “Jesus, what about her kid?”

            “She’s here too.  Joey just showed up here in the middle of the night, she was terrified out of her damn mind.”

            “This is unbelievable.  David’s like the last person I’d ever think would hit anyone.”

            “He snapped Pace, he was just on the phone with her, threatening her, that’s why she picked up the phone the way she did.”

            “Man, well give her my love.  Jen, Jack and I had planned to get together with you, should we still show up?”

            “Absolutely.  The more friends Jo has around her the safer she’ll feel.”

            “So what’s been done about David?”

            “Jo got a restraining order against him, but not for Camille, so that’s a problem.  There’s gonna be a custody suit and it’s not gonna be pretty for her for awhile.”

            “Should I tell the rest of the gang?”

            “No.  It’s not my place or yours to tell.  Let Joey tell them when they show up.”

            “Okay, just so you know I’m gonna be coming in a day later than Jen and Jack.”

            “Pace, bring Bessie, tell her what happened but nobody else.  Jo’s gonna need her.”

            “K, will be there ASAP.”

            “Whatever’s good for all of you.  I can’t wait to see all of you.”

            “Us either.  Take care of Jo, we’ll be there soon.”

 

            Joey sat at the table with her lawyer sitting across from her, with a tape recorder, a file full of info, and a pen in her hand to make notes on.  Dawson was watching a movie with Camille.

            “Do you think I have a case?” Joey asked.  “Do you think I can keep him away from me and Camille?”

            “Well it’s going to be a tough fight because you and your husband both have a very generous amount of money despite his current financial problems, jobs your committed to and good at, but basing around the fact that he physically abuses you will be our defense and reason Camille is safest with you.  You did the smart thing for yourself Josephine, you got the evidence, you reported it to the hospital and to the cops, you filed a restraining order for a very viable reason.  Most women don’t do this and find themselves screwed to the wall.”

            Joey nodded.  “I know, I was always pretty big on never losing myself into my marriage, keeping my own name, my daughter having my last name as well as his, my own money, my own everything.  I never chose to give up myself.  In fact that was one of the things he used to love most about me.  That I didn’t belong to him, that we belonged together.  God we were in love.”

            “When did this start, Joey?  The abuse I mean.”

            “Well he hit me for the first time about a year ago.  I let it go for very legitimate and personal reasons.  The second time he hit me I feared that something had physically happened to him to cause this change in behavior.  So I had a neurologist do some tests on him and there was nothing medically wrong with him and that surprised me.  When things weren’t getting better I threw him out of the house and four and a half months later after therapy and a lot of working on trust, he moved back in with me.  We were fine and happy again for a few more months, but then one night, a hit turned into being beaten harder than I could have ever imagined.  And every time after that, it was no longer just a slap or a punch, but a full blown rage inside him that he took out on me and my body.”

            Jennifer took down a few more notes and Joey watched.

            “Has he ever sexually abused you?”

            “No,” Joey said flatly. 

            “Are you sure?”

            “Is this a therapy session?” Joey asked.

            “Josephine-“

            “Joey’s fine.”

            “Joey, I need to get inside your head, I need to know what your motives and your thoughts and feelings then and now.  Because I promise you, David probably right now is doing everything he can to make you look bad so I need to know things you probably wouldn’t want me know, and you have to be brutality honest, no matter how embarrassing, painful, or horrifying it may be.”

            “All right, I understand,” she whispered, exhausted.  “I left him a note when I left, and I was so angry I wrote that he had my blood from the abuse, and I cut my hand purposely so he truly could have a sample he could save forever.”

            Joey showed her hand to Jennifer. 

            “K,” she said, making a note of that.  “Did you tell him anything else before you left?”

            “Nothing out of the ordinary.”

            “Why did you stay with him after he started beating you?”

            There was no good answer to that, no good reason.  Joey told the truth.  “I loved him and thought I could change him.  I was also scared out of my mind.”

            “Hmm,” Jennifer said, making more notes.  “Women always think that, and it never works.  You can’t change someone else.”

            “I know that, I knew that, but still I fell into that believable trap of the hope that you can.”

            “What is your relationship with Dawson Leery?”

            God, how should Joey begin?

            “We grew up together, we were best friends all through grade school.  We fell in love in high school and from then until the end of my first four years of college, we were in love off and on.”

            “So you had a romantic relationship?”

            “Y…es,” Joey said.  “But I came here because I know I’m safe here, not because I’m using my husband’s abuse as an excuse to adulterate with my high school love.”

            “So you haven’t been unfaithful?”

            “No,” Joey said firmly.

            “Do you know if your husband has ever had an affair?”

            “Oh I know he has.”

            “How?”

            “Because the second time he hit me, the time I threw him out, he hit me because I was furious and shouting at him for cheating on me.  The financial situation was very bad for him but he didn’t want my help and I got angry with him and told him what a sexist jerk he was being and I found out he was having an affair.  He told me it was once and that it would never happen again.  I told him it was over unless he agreed to some neurological tests and if nothing came up, it was gonna take a lot of work before we were a family again.  He accused me of thinking he was losing his mind instead of facing the truth that I wasn’t making him happy and he hit me.  I threw him out and the next day he called, apologized and offered to do the tests.  They came up with nothing out of the ordinary.  I told him I wouldn’t let him back into the house unless he fixed his problems.  And I didn’t.”

            “So the therapy he took, was that his choice as well as yours, or was that the only condition in which you would take him back?”

            “No he wanted to go.  He wanted to be a better man, he couldn’t believe what he’d done.  He was the last person you’d ever think would abuse or dominate a woman in any way.  He is very much for women being respected and treated equally.  That’s why all of this is so much harder to believe than should it have been an ordinary person.”

            “In a way that’s in our favor.  If he went to the therapy and he did it by his own choice for his own purpose and came back and fell into the exact same pattern again, the family courts will know that at least so far, therapy does not stick with this guy, and that no matter what he will always fall back into what has made him feel safe.  Domination.”

            Joey nodded.  “A-alright.”

            “That’s all for tonight,” Jennifer said.  “Try to enjoy your Christmas and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

            “Thank you,” Joey said as the woman stood up.  “Let me take you to the door.”

 

            Once Jennifer had left, Dawson came downstairs to check on her.  He found her still, staring at nothing, deep in thought.

            “Joey?”

            She said nothing, didn’t flinch in surprise at his presence, she didn’t even acknowledge him.  He walked over to her and took her hand in his.  She then panicked and pulled back in fear.  Her eyes were wide and frightened.

            “Oh I’m sorry,” she said, seeing it was Dawson.  “The bruises—I just can’t forget how they got here, and I’m still scared.  I wish it was ten years later than this moment, no matter what happens.  It’s the waiting and the not knowing that’s killing me.”

            “I know.  Camille’s upstairs watching Sleeping Beauty.”

            “She’s in love with that movie,” Joey smiled, then sobered up.  “Dawson I’m going to have to see him again, there’s no avoiding that.”

            “Yes but you will be in court with safety and me by your side.”

            “Dawson I think I need to see him, one on one.”

            “Joey, that’s insane.  You’ve made him ten times madder than he’s ever been at you, he will want to take it out on you and he could.”

            Joey poured herself a glass of water.  “Then I’ll have to take that chance.  He’s my husband and I need to try to resolve this without the courts.  I don’t want to punish him, I just want him to stop.”

            She turned away and he could tell she was crying.  He turned her around and pulled her into his arms. 

            “He’s like cancer to me,” Joey whispered, the silent tears slipping down her cheeks.  “You have to destroy it, but you have to destroy yourself in the process, the cancer becomes you.”

 

Chapter 3

 

            The following morning Joey got up, showered, made her face over, and decided to do something with her hair.  She felt so abused and so dirty she just wanted to wash it off of her and then cover whatever filth remained with makeup and a stylish outfit.  There was a knock on her door and she’d assumed it was Camille.

            “Jo?”

            She shot up out of her chair.

            “Where’s Camille?  You can’t leave her alone Dawson because David-“

            “Shh,” he said, coming towards her, taking her hands.  “It’s okay, she’s not alone.  I told you I got some bodyguards and security for this house and its grounds.  It’s gonna be fine, she’s fine, she’s in the pool again.”

            Joey exhaled, relieved.  She put the hairdryer down, still trembling.

            “Joey come here,” he said, pulling her into his arms.

            She resisted at first, but then gave up, too tired to fight, too tired to argue, too tired to breathe without him helping her.  When the tears slipped from her eyes he cupped her face.

            “Joey open your eyes.”

            When she slowly did he kissed her.  She rose her eyebrows in surprise just like she did the first time he kissed her in his old bedroom fifteen years ago.  He opened her mouth and cascaded her lips with his.  Joey froze and cried into his mouth, then pulled back.

            “I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

            Though she tried to pull away he wouldn’t let go of her upper arms.

            “Why, Joey?  Tell me why.”

            She met his eyes though it was humiliating and caused her anguish.  She told him with her eyes she would answer him so he let her arms go.  She slowly turned around so her back was towards him, crossed her arms to grab the bottom of her shirt and lift it off her body.  When she threw the shirt on the bed, she exhaled.  Dawson was shocked and angered by what he saw.  She had bruises and lacerations all up and down her back.  He analyzed her back and she felt his eyes on her, and cried silently.

            “It hurts too much to wear a bra,” she half laughed, half cried.  When the damn broke and she couldn’t hold her head up anymore, she felt Dawson’s arm cross over her upper chest and reach for her shoulder, pulling her back up against him.  She grabbed the strong arm that was in front of her, protecting her.  “God it’s so stupid, isn’t it?” she whispered, her eyes clenched shut in pain of the memories, tears rolling down her face.  “Sometimes I make myself forget.  Sometimes I tell myself it doesn’t hurt as bad as I’m pretending.”  She leaned her head back against Dawson’s chest and he ran his fingers through her still damp hair. 

            “Joey, come here,” he said, turning Joey around to the window.  “Look out the window,” he whispered and she opened her eyes to look where he was looking.  “Joey you had a choice, you made a choice.  You were either going to stay with David, stay with the violence and the fear, or you could get the hell out of there before he finally killed you, and than took his anger at your death out on your child.  But Joey, you got out, and I’ve been proud of you more times than I can count but I have never been as proud of you as I am today.”

            Pushing her forward gently his hand gently caressed down her beaten back and she tightened up and winced, not in pain or fear but in the memories.  His fingers lightly ran over the blue-black marks across her lush skin and he wished that his fingers could make the pain disappear.  Before she realized it she felt her stomach clench and push upwards and she ran into the bathroom, throwing up.  Dawson ran in after her, and she was breathing heavily, exhausted.

            “Why does it take up so much energy to throw up,” she wondered aloud.

            “Joey, what is it?  Are you sick?  Pregnant?”

            “No, I’m fine, I’m not sick,” Joey said, motioning with her hand for him not to touch her.  She pulled herself up, flushed the toilet, and picked up her toothbrush.  “And I’m not pregnant.  I’m just so afraid that I regurgitate.  I’m so scared I can barely speak when my daughter’s in the room and I have to be strong for her.  I’m so terrified that I’m making myself sick, I apologize.”

            She began to brush her teeth.

            “Jo, you don’t have anything to be afraid of.  I’m going to find the best family courts attorney in the country-“

            “No,” Joey said, finishing the teeth brushing process and turning back to look at him.  “No, you’ve already done more than I deserve.  And I have money, I’ve worked my butt off for ten years to make and save the money so I can pay for Jennifer or anyone else I might need.  I just…can’t lose my daughter,” she cried.

            Dawson pulled the frightened woman into his arms.

            “Joey, he’s the one that needs to be afraid.”

            “No, Dawson, don’t you remember Enough?”

            “Enough?”

            “Enough, the movie with Jennifer Lopez.”

            “Oh, yeah, right.”

            “Well the only way she could keep her daughter and herself alive was to be on the run.”

            Dawson shook Joey roughly for a second.

            “Joey!  You’re not Slim or whatever the hell her character’s name was!  You went to the cops, you went to the hospital, you got a restraining order, you gave them evidence to prove that he is a maniac!  You got the restraining order because you turned him in.  You didn’t just take it and take it until he finally beat you so badly you’d never wake up again.  Got it?”

            “I got a restraining order for me, but not Camille.  It wasn’t going to be ready for many more weeks and I couldn’t wait any longer.  He’s going to testify that I kidnapped his child.”

            “Joey, stop doing this to yourself, come on.  You didn’t kidnap her, she’s YOUR daughter.  And you had to get away from him because he was gonna beat the living crap out of you.  You had to get away and you did.  You’ve got to start praising yourself for what you have done and stop blaming yourself for what you couldn’t do.”

            She calmed down and nodded, and they both realized she was still half naked.  He let go of her shoulders.

            “Completely forgot about the shirt,” she said leaving the bathroom to fetch it.

            “Well yeah but I had no problem with that,” he said and for the first time in a long time she laughed.

            It felt so good when she stopped, she put her shirt back on and hugged him.

            “God Joey, I will do anything you want, please just give me an occupation, if you don’t tell me what I can do for you I’m gonna go nuts.”

            She held him against her, taking him into her arms instead of the other way around.

            “Just let me hold you,” she whispered.  Then she held his face in her long elegant fingers.  “I never stopped loving you.”

            “Neither did I.”

            She wanted to lean and kiss him and knew he wanted it too, but she just about wanted to kill herself.  She met his eyes again.

            “Dawson…you know what I’m gonna say,” she said.

            “Yeah, but Joey don’t.  Though I know what you’re gonna say about that night…”

            “Dawson I’m…always gonna regret what I didn’t do,” she said, tears forming as she smiled.  “I’m always gonna regret leaving-“

            “Joey I know, but don’t say it.”

            “Why not?  It’s true.”

            “No, it’s not,” he said, caressing her face.  “Because any past or future without Camille just wouldn’t be right.  And I never, ever want you to look at the girl and regret her at all.”

            “I couldn’t,” she said, a tear rolling down her face.  “I couldn’t if I tried.  I like any mother would give my life for her, and I give my heart to her forever.  But I never stopped loving you.”

            She leaned her head down against his shoulder, spent.

            “I know,” he said, pulling her against him tighter.  “I never did either.”

 

            Camille continued to ask her mother to get into the water with her but Joey came up with every excuse she could over and over so Camille wouldn’t see the bruises.  Dawson thankfully helped her, and played with Camille.  Joey’d imagined herself with a child with Dawson half her life but this wasn’t it.  This wasn’t how she wanted to be with him.  Terrified of everything and having her smile be completely false.  She wanted it all to be real. 

            “Mommy please,” Camille nagged. 

            Joey was sitting on the side, her feet in the water.  She sighed, needing to tell her daughter the truth.  She swore she’d never lie to her child.

            “Baby come here,” she said, holding her arms out.

            Her five year old daughter swam over to her and Joey pulled her out of the water into her arms.  She brushed her daughter’s wet hair from her face.

            “You know I love you, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Well I’m gonna tell you the truth about something.”

            Dawson, in the pool, watched Joey with her daughter and couldn’t help but wish this was the fantasy too.

            “Baby, the reason I can’t get in the water is because I hurt myself, and I still need a little more time to heal.”

            “Is it that Daddy hurt you?”

            Joey hated that her daughter had seen or heard anything, but wouldn’t lie to her child.

            “Yes.”

            Joey was biting her lip to keep from breaking.  She wouldn’t scare her child by breaking down in front of her.  Dawson saw that in Joey and it was killing him.

            “Is that why we’ve left Daddy, to come here?  To be safe?”

            Joey nodded, then turned her face away.

            “God I’m sorry baby,” she said, wiping the tear that had fallen by accident.

            Camille stood up and hugged her mother.

            “It’s okay,” she said, comforting her mother, rubbing her back.  “I know you’re scared but you’re doing great.”

            Then Joey couldn’t stop the tears.  Her daughter, her baby girl was helping her, loving her, protecting her.  Joey held her wet daughter close to her, and cried against her.

            “Thank you baby,” Joey whispered.  “I promise everything’s gonna be fine.”

 

Chapter 4

 

            Later that evening when Joey, Dawson, and Camille were in the kitchen, the doorbell rang.

            “I thought you had that system,” Joey said.

            “Yeah but I’m having a professional take care of that.  No one dangerous is gonna show up.  The only people at the door are going to be people I have called on or people who these professionals know I know.”

            When he went to the door and answered it, Joey could hear the loving words of Jen and Jack, whom she hadn’t seen in the last two years.  She walked out to the foyer to see them.

            “Jo!” Jen said, coming to her with an embrace. 

            In the midst of hugging Jen, Joey was shocked to see her sister Bessie come through the door.

            “Bessie!” Joey said, releasing Jen and hugging her sister.  “Oh my God, what are you doing here?”

            “Kiddo,” Jack said, coming in for a hug.  “Well Jen and I planned to come and see Dawson anyway, and when we called Dawson he told us you were here, so I thought Bessie might wanna join us.”

            Joey looked at Dawson.

            “You knew they were coming?”

            “Yep, hope you don’t mind.”

            “Mind?” Joey laughed.  “No, God, I’ve missed you all,” she said, embracing them.

            Camille came running in.

            “Auntie Bessie!” she said as Bessie swooped her niece up into her arms.

            “Oh my goodness,” Bessie said.  “You are huge, you know that?”

            She tickled her niece and kissed her.

            “God, Joey, she’s beautiful,” Jen said.

            “Well feel free to speak directly to her, Jen, she’s that five year old right there,” Joey said, her arm around her dear friend.

            “Oh, delivery,” Bessie said, handing Camille to Jack.  “Come here baby sister,” she said.

            “Oh ouch,” Joey said, Bessie squeezing her too hard.

            “What’s wrong?” Bessie said, pulling back. 

            “Nothing,” Joey said.  “I just have a bruise.”

            “You do?” Bessie said, concerned.  “Lemme see,” she said, turning Joey around.

            “No, no, don’t,” Joey said.

            “It’s okay, let me just make sure you’re okay,” Bessie said maternally.

            “Camille, go show Jack the swimming pool.”

            “But Mom-“

            “No.  Honey, go now, please.”

            Jack, not knowing what the hell was going on helped Joey out by going ahead with Camille towards the back of the house where the swimming pool was.

            “Bessie stop,” Joey said as Bessie lifted her shirt and saw the bruises and lacerations, and gasped.

            “Oh my God, honey, what happened?”

            “Nothing,” Joey said, trying to pull free.  “It’s nothing.”

            “Don’t tell me this is nothing, my God have you been to a hospital?”

            “Drop it!” Joey said.

            “Joey, what’s going on?  You’ve got these bruises and you won’t tell me nothing about how you got them, my God, does David know about this?” Bessie said.

            Joey’s eyes met her sister’s, and both Jen and Bessie saw Joey’s answer.  Bessie felt the raw anger flame up inside her.

            “He didn’t dare-“

            “You DON’T…know anything,” Joey said, trembling.

            Bessie couldn’t believe Joey would say that.  “What the hell do you mean?”

            “Just stop!” Joey cried.  “David loves me, he…loves me.”

            “Oh this is love?” Bessie shouted.  She couldn’t believe her sister would ever say anything like this.  “Jesus Christ Joey, you’re a women, you’re a strong woman who never took even a degrading comment from a guy, let alone an unwanted hand on your skin!  You’ve heard crap for years by abused women and you’re gonna tell me he loves you and that it’s nothing?”

            “It’s not all David’s fault!” Joey exclaimed.

            “Oh really?  You gonna blame yourself?  And he loves you so what…these bruises are marks of his affection?”

            Joey clenched her eyes shut as she cried.  “He…I yelled at him and told him how much he’d screwed everything up because of financial trauma and I just kept eating at him and I found out about a one night stand and I went for it, and I hurt him and hurt him and kept going,” Joey said, now breaking down into her sister’s open arms.  “And I didn’t…stop, I wanted to hurt him and I wouldn’t stop no matter how much he tried to get a word in,” she sobbed.

            “Shh, stop, you don’t have to say anything else,” Bessie told her, holding her sister.

            Dawson now not only felt hatred towards David, but was going to have to come up with a reason to not hunt David down and shoot him.

            “She okay?” Dawson said.

            “Yeah,” Bessie said.

            “I just,” Joey whispered.  “Never wanted it to turn out this way-“ she sobbed, covering her face with her hands as if she were ashamed.

            “It’s okay,” Bessie said, taking Joey’s hands and holding her.  “Come on, let’s go wash your face.”

            Jen saw Dawson’s hands tighten into fists, and saw him walk away into the kitchen.  She ran after him, to try to keep him calm.  When she chased him to the kitchen he punched a hole in the wall.

            “Dawson!” Jen exclaimed.  “Jesus,” she said, walking to the freezer and getting some ice.  “She’s gonna be okay, Dawson, come here.”

            Reluctantly he let Jen fix his hand up.

            “So tell me what happened,” she said.

            “She just showed up here in the middle of the night, beaten and scared to death.”

            “She fly out here?”

            “No, she drove.”

            “From Chicago?”

            “Yeah, she didn’t want him to track her down so easily.  If she’d taken a plane he could’ve looked it up and flown right out here after her.  If she drove he wouldn’t know her exact whereabouts for awhile.”

            “How’s Camille doing with all of this?”

            “Beautifully, I don’t know how she’s handling this.  She’s handling it better than Joey.”

            “Yeah but Joey’s strong.”

            “She shouldn’t have to be!  And you haven’t watched her the last few days, she’s scared out of her damn mind of losing her child!”

            “What’s been done to help the situation?” Jen said, trying to remain calm though Dawson obviously wasn’t.

            “She went to the hospital and the police and got a restraining order against David.  She has a lawyer who’s working on one for Camille, but the family courts can take forever as we’re discovering.”

            He was wired up and losing it.

            “Dawson sit down.”

            He did.

            “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to protect her.”

            “Dawson, she came to you because she knows she’s safe with you.  She got up in the middle of the night, snatched her daughter and escaped an abusive husband and chose you.”

            “But I can’t help her now.”

            Jen sighed.

            “I know, but you’re here with her, you’ve held her through it all, and that means everything to her.  Bessie’s not gonna wanna leave Joey’s side, but Jack and I planned to stay with Audrey.”

            Jack came back inside with Camille.  Dawson grabbed the little girl up onto his lap.

            “Come here you,” he said and Camille laughed.  “How you doing?”

            “Good, is Mommy fine?”

            “She’s fine, she’s with your Aunt Bessie.”

            “Will you play the computer games with me?”

            “Tomorrow baby,” Joey said, coming back into the room with Bessie.

            “Hey,” Jack said, coming towards her.  “Didn’t get a proper hug,” he said, kissing her on the mouth and hugging her.

            “Hey you, missed you,” she said, returning his hug.

            “You got a gorgeous little girl there,” Jack said.

            “Thank you, I know.”

            Joey knelt down on the floor and took her daughter’s hands.

            “Thank you for being such an angel.  Go upstairs and put on your pajamas and I’ll be up soon, okay?”

            “K,” Camille said, hopping down from Dawson’s lap.  “Mom, we’ve got to get some of Dawson’s movies.”

            Joey smiled and looked up at Dawson.

            “Oh you are gonna make me so broke with all the movies she’s gonna make me buy her.”

            “Can you carry me yet?” Camille asked.

            “Soon,” Joey replied.  “Mommy hurt her ribs, but as soon as they heal I’ll be able to hold you again.”

            “But you carried me out of my bed to the car,” Camille pointed out.

            Joey nodded.  “Yeah baby, that’s true.  But I absolutely had to then.  It didn’t matter if I was hurting myself because if I got us out of there then I’d have the ability to have us both get healed.  Just in different ways.”

            “Why do I need to be healed?” Camille asked.

            “Because the days and weeks that follow are gonna be hard to handle, for both of us.  But if I have you, I can get through it, so if you promise to stay with me, I’ll stay with you.”

            Camille smiled and walked into her mother’s open arms.  Joey placed maternal kisses over her daughter’s face.

            “Come on Cami,” Bessie said, holding her hand out to her niece.

            After Bessie and Camille left the room, Jack came up behind Joey and put his arms around her.  Joey leaned back against him.

            “You gonna be okay if Jen and I go stay at Audrey’s?”

            “Yeah,” she said, turning around to face him.  “Thank you guys so much for everything.  I love you both.”

            “K,” Jen said, standing up.  “You be careful,” she said, cupping Joey’s face and kissing her forehead.  “Don’t let David get you down.  Don’t feel weak from those bruises, feel anger, and use that anger to save yourself and your child.  Remember that you have as a mother the divine right to protect your life and the life of your offspring.”

            “Isn’t that what Jennifer Lopez’s best friend said in Enough?” Joey asked with a small smile.

            “She was right.”

            Jen embraced Joey gently.

            “Be safe.  We’ll call you tomorrow.”

           

            Bessie and Joey slept together with Camille in between the two of them.  Joey was exhausted and was enjoying Bessie’s help.  She was so tired of trying to make it believable to her child that everything was okay.  She felt the pressure being lifted off of her and for the first time in a long time she was actually able to sleep.  Bessie and Camille were out like a light, thank God, and pretty much since she started sleeping in the same bed with Dawson at about five years of age, she had to admit that she still felt safer when there was more than one person in the bed.  Because she had always felt safe with Dawson in the bed beside her, ever since she was thirteen and began having nightmares and the unfortunate gift of raging hormones and Dawson would be there to hold her back to sleep, even if at that point he still considered their relationship to be platonic and sibling-like. 

            When her mother died Dawson was wonderful to her.  He was pretty much always wonderful no matter how big a jerk she was.  As Joey’s body rested and spread out inside for the first time in months, she reveled in the feeling of not being in a tight and aching ball where she just barely nodded off or slept so hard and so long that it physically hurt when she woke up.  When a hand came over her mouth her eyes shot open and she saw her husband’s beautiful face.  Her eyes told him he could take his hand off of her mouth, and he did, but only to grab her arm and pull her roughly out of bed.  Camille opened her eyes and when she spoke, Bessie too awoke.

            “Daddy?”

            “It’s okay honey,” Joey said, trying to ignore what she thought was a gun pointed in her back.  “I’m going to talk to Daddy and we’ll be back soon.”

            “I wanna come with you-“

            “No!” Joey said.

            Bessie put her arms protectively around Camille, her eyes following Joey’s, terrified.  Joey gave her sister the calmest, most serious expression she could as she was pulled towards the door and walked out of it with her husband.  She hoped Bessie wouldn’t do anything stupid.  She and David walked downstairs together and out the back door but the second they were outside, Joey snatched her arm free and walked away from him angrily.

            “Don’t you ever scare my child like that again,” she said.

            “What the hell are you doing?”

            “What am I doing?  I’m outside just about to have a huge argument with my abusive husband.  And you?”

            “Jo, don’t joke now.”

            “Oh honey believe me, I’m not joking.”

            “Are you sleeping with Dawson?”

            Joey tilted her head back, rolling her eyes.

            “No, but thank you for asking.  I’m sorry, but I forgot to ask you what the hell you think you’re doing here when I ordered a restraining order against you.”

            He didn’t have a gun, whatever she thought it was in her back was not a gun.

            “I came here to see if you’re okay, I’m worried about you Jo, you’re my wife.”

            “You wanna know how I’m doing?  Then look at this,” she said, turning around and taking her shirt off to show him her back.  “It’s healed quite a bit but you can tell by the look of my back that I didn’t just get hit once, someone knocked me around.  Do you even realize this is the first day it didn’t hurt so bad I could wear a bra?”

            She turned around to show him the bruises on her upper stomach.

            “And these bruises are for my cracked ribs.  You broke two or three, and thank God they’re almost healed again as well.  David, look at my face.  Look at what you’ve done to me,” she said, presenting herself to him.  “I don’t wash the makeup off and night because I’m afraid our daughter will see what you’ve done to me and be as scared as I am.”

            He walked towards her, reaching for her. 

            “I know, and I’m sorry, but like we have before we can work through this, I will do whatever it is you need-“

            “No,” she said, pulling free from him.  “There is no more, this is it.  I’ve had enough.  I thought the restraining order would tell you that but apparently not.”

            “Joey, you don’t understand what not seeing you was doing to me.  I was scared out of my mind, but we took vows stating forever.”

            “And I was prepared to honor them forever.  Don’t you think I prayed our lives would be something besides this?  But I said no vow stating I would ever submit to this.  It’s over, WE are over.”

            “Yes we did,” he replied.  “For better or worse.  Marriage isn’t just for when it’s easy-“

            “Shut up,” she said, unable to believe she was hearing this.  “You don’t get to lecture me on anything.  I didn’t give up on us the first time you hit me, or even the second.  And when a man hits me he only does it once but because I loved you I allowed some leeway and tried to help you through whatever it was that was making you feel it was okay to lay a hand on me but no more.  Because if I don’t get out now, you will eventually kill me, probably without meaning to, and then you’ll start on Camille.”

            “I would NEVER hurt my child,” he vowed.

            She sighed, amazed at how naïve he was.  “The way you said you’d never hurt me?”

            He shook his head in his own shame. 

            “I’m sorry,” he exclaimed.

            “I know you are,” she replied.  “But I can’t keep forgiving because you know what, I won’t teach my daughter that this is okay.  I won’t let myself believe it’s okay either.  I owe her more than this, I need to show her this is not acceptable, this is not okay.  I won’t hide in the corner in tears, I won’t accept anymore bruises and I won’t live in fear that something I say is gonna piss you off and you’ll beat the crap out of me.”

            “I never wanted you think it was okay,” he said.  “Please Joey, I love you so much and I love Camille-“

            “David, I know.  But you and I are over, bottom line.  Love isn’t enough anymore.  My life and my daughter’s life will no longer be tainted by your rage and violence.”

 

            Bessie got up out of bed.

            “Aunt Bessie-“

            “Everything’s fine honey, I’m just gonna get Dawson.  Would you go get my brush out of the bathroom?”

            That was the only way Bessie could think of to get Camille to go into another room so she could talk to Dawson alone.  Camille didn’t want to but she did it anyway, trying to be as good as she could.  Bessie went across the hall and knocked on Dawson’s door.

            “Dawson!  Dawson come here!”

            The door swung open.

            “What’s wrong?” he said.

            “David’s got Joey downstairs.”

            “What?  How the hell did that happen?”

            “I don’t know, but Joey went with him to keep Camille from being scared, she made me promise to stay with her-“

            “It’s okay, I’ll take care of it.”

            She saw Dawson go back into the room and instantly change into clothes in all of two seconds. 

            “Dawson, I know you love her, but don’t do anything stupid, don’t make it worse.”

            “I won’t, go back with Camille.”

            She hesitated then went back into her and Joey’s room.  Dawson opened his bottom drawer and pulled out his gun.  Checking to make sure that it was loaded, he headed downstairs.  Luckily, Bessie didn’t trust Dawson’s ability to remain calm when it came to Joey so she called the cops.  When they were on their way, she held Camille in her arms and told her a story, praying everything was all right downstairs.

 

            “Da…vid, don’t,” she said, holding his arm away from her face.

            “Get…away from her,” Dawson said, and both David and Joey turned to see him with a gun.

            “Oh shit,” Joey whispered.  “David, stop,” she said, but it was clear he’d already hit her with the blood on her face.

            “Fine,” he said, grabbing her wrists and pulling her up so she was standing instead of kneeling. 

            “Let go of her wrists,” Dawson said.

            “Dawson, put the gun down,” Joey said.

            “As soon as he let’s you go.”

            “Where is Camille?” Joey asked.

            “With Bessie.”

            David cupped Joey’s face.

            “Joey I love you.”

            She placed her hands over his.  She had a bloody nose from when he’d knocked against the wall of the house.  The blood that was all the way down to her chin had dried though. 

            “So what do you want, Jo?  For me to go prison for the rest of my life while you and Dawson live happily ever after with my daughter?  You going to program her to respond to him as her father?”

            “I haven’t told her how to respond to anything,” Joey said through gritted teeth.  “I didn’t have to turn her against you.  I have not said one bad thing about you to that child, she saw you herself.  I didn’t have to tell her why we left, she told me.  She told me she understood.  How the hell does a five year old understand?  I don’t understand!  How can you love me and then turn into this monster-“

            “You will not keep me from her Joey.”

            Her eyes narrowed slightly.

            “I will not let you harm her.  Mothering animals murder any threats to their children, and I am no different.  You touch her, and I’ll make sure you never touch her again.”

            David lunged for her and held her neck in his hands.  He was so much taller than her, and he was slowly backing her up against the wall, terrifying her.   She saw the look in his eyes, it wasn’t human, it was angry, vengeful, and insane.  These weren’t the eyes of the man she’d loved, these weren’t the eyes of the father of her child.  This was the man who loved the power over her, the man responsible for her body being in such terrible pain.

            “Joey, listen to me.  I won’t…live without you.”

            She placed her hands over his, trying to loosen his grip.

            “So what are you gonna do?  Kill me if I refuse to be your punching bag?”

            Dawson walked over towards them, shoving a gun in David’s back.

            “Let her go.”

            “Dawson please,” Joey whispered, David cutting off most of her voice.  “Just go.  I’m not gonna let you pay for something that’s happening between me and David.”

            “You really love him, don’t you?” David exclaimed.

            “David, your strangling me-“

            “Answer the question!”

            Her eyes hardened towards him then, and the fear recreated itself into anger.

            “Yes!” she said, pushing him off of her, as hard as she could.

            She succeeded, but infuriated him more and he hit her so hard she fell and knocked her head against the wall and she was unconscious.

            “Joey!” Dawson said, dropping the gun and running towards her.  He gently lifted her head and felt her blood on his hands.  He looked over at David.  “Is this how you treat her?  Is this what she’s supposed to submit herself to for the rest of her life?  Is this what you want for her?  You say you love her but you make her bleed for Christ’s sake!”

            David’s face turned into frightened, ashamed at what he’d just done.

            “Is she all right?”

            “Does she look all right?” Dawson snapped.

            “I…I do this Dawson and I never mean it, I hate myself for it, knowing I can be capable of it.”

            “Oh my heart aches for you,” Dawson said sarcastically.  He gathered Joey up into his arms.  “Joey, Joey wake up, come on, wake up,” he said, lightly tapping her face. 

            When she opened her eyes, she looked at her husband and pulled herself up in front of Dawson.

            “Don’t!  David put the gun down!”

            Dawson tried to move Joey so she would be behind him and safe but she wouldn’t allow it.

            “Joey, you’re bleeding,” he exclaimed.

            “I’ll be all right, David, you’re acting like a crazy person, put it down!  What are you gonna do, kill the mother of your child because she doesn’t want to be hit anymore?  What are you going to tell her when she asks what happened to me?”

            “Freeze!  Police!  Drop your weapon!”

            David did, and Joey’s head ached and she fell back into Dawson’s lap.  She saw a blur of David in handcuffs and Dawson’s voice shouting for paramedics for her.  She vaguely recalls being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney but after that, nothing.  The next time she opens her eyes, Dawson’s beside her, and he smiles.

            “Hey you.  How you feel?”

            She blinks a few times.  “Bad migraine,” she says, covering her eyes.

            “K lemme help you with that,” he said, standing up and turning off the light in the room, a blessing to anyone who ever had a migraine.

            “Am I in the hospital?”

            “Yeah, and your chances of getting full custody of your daughter just shot up.”

            She rubbed her head in pain.

            “Where’s David?”

            “In jail.  For violating a restraining order and assault on you.”

            “Fuck,” she exhaled.

            “That’s a good thing, Joey, that means you’ve proven he’s a danger to you and your daughter.”

            She couldn’t help it but she started to cry softly.  He took her hand and kissed it.

            “Don’t cry Jo,” he said, not being able to tell her how much it killed him to see her cry.

            “I can’t help it,” she said, covering her eyes with her free hand.  “I just never expected my life to turn out this way.  I’ve come so close to breaking the past few weeks and now I’m going to have to go through a custody suit…Dawson I don’t know if I can take it.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

            “Of course you are,” he said.

            “No, no I’m not.  I mean it Dawson, I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I don’t want to keep my daughter from her father but I don’t have a choice.”

            He caressed her face.  “You’re right, you have no choice.  There is only the right choice Jo, and I can’t imagine I know what you will have to face in the days to come, but I swear to you that not only will you win, but you have me, right there by your side.”

            She wiped her tears and pulled him towards her, kissing him.

 

Chapter 5

 

            Joey checked herself out of the hospital that night, and the next morning when she descended down the stairs after brushing her teeth, hair, and applying makeup over her bruises and cuts, saw Dawson talking with Pacey in the foyer.  They both heard her coming down the stairs and turned.  She smiled at Pacey as he walked towards her.  When she was three steps from the ground floor she lightly jumped into his arms.

            “Hey Jo,” he said, carrying her in an embrace from the stairs to the ground.

            “Hey you,” she said.  “So Dawson, you planning to invite everyone we’ve ever known?” she teased.

            “Anyone and everyone who can help give you the strength to do what you have to do.  You need to know you’re not alone Jo.”

            “Thank you,” she said, hugging Dawson, then embraced Pacey again.

            “How you feeling?”

            “Been better, you?”

            “Good.”

            “How the hell’d you know about this anyway?”

            Pacey chuckled.  “Well Bessie told Jen who told Audrey who told Andie who told me that your husband beat the hell out of you and last night tried to kill you and Dawson.”

            Joey nodded.  “Bessie and her big mouth.  Not to mention the grape vine.  Well thank you for coming.”

            “My pleasure.  I thought it was time to grace you both with my presence,” Pacey said and Dawson laughed.

            “It’s good to see you,” Dawson said.

            “Come here Daws,” Pacey said and Joey watched them embrace.  “We need to have a gathering of all our fellow lifelong friends.  We need to get drunk and lighten up because what Joey’s had to deal with is so deep and heavy, we just need to have fun.”

            “That’s a good idea, let’s invite Lily and Alexander too,” Dawson said.

            “Guys, come on you don’t have to-“

            “Jo shut up, I’m using you as an excuse, I’ll thank you to shush and say thanks.”

            Joey couldn’t help but smile.  And they did have the party, and it did lift some of the stress of Joey, and she was grateful to her friends and family for helping her out by showing their support. 

 

            Going back to Chicago, Joey moved out of her house with David and into an apartment as the custody battle began.  Dawson hadn’t been able to come back with her because of his contract involving another movie he was making.  She’d told him that was fine but he called everyday and made it his priority to make her smile during their conversations.  Bessie had gone back with Joey to help her with the moving and give her loving support through this custody suit.  Mike was on his way.

            It was almost definite even in the early stages of the custody battle that Joey would get full custody of Camille and not lose anything she had paid for in the last ten years.  Since Joey had always been an intelligent, smart woman who’d had her own money, her own account, her own possessions, the division of the assets would be less difficult than a divorce where the woman had given all her power to the man in the name of love and trust.  But Joey had given him her love and trust, just with her heart, not with her money.  Her own bank account she knew now was huge, she wouldn’t be left with nothing, but she was losing the man she had loved more than anything.  Actually, she’d lost him a long time ago.

            Joey was beginning to feel that her strength was wavering and that she wasn’t going to make it through this.  One evening while putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Camille asked her a question.

            “Mommy, do you miss Daddy yet?”

            Joey was holding her breath to keep from crying, and she swallowed and did her best in speaking to not show her pain.

            “No honey,” she replied.

            “Then who is it you miss?”

            Dawson appeared in her mind, and she knew it was him that she missed.  Joey wiped the tears that slipped down her cheeks despite her protests for them not to.

            “Honey, why don’t you get into your pajamas and brush your teeth and go to bed.  I’ll be in there in a few seconds to kiss you goodnight.  Aunt Bessie should be back soon.”

            Camille didn’t want to, but knew how much pain her mother was in and she tried to be the best she could be.  Joey had been that way with her own mother, always trying to be the best daughter possible.  Camille quietly left the table.  When Joey knew she was alone she took a few deep breaths.

            “Come on, pull yourself together,” she whispered to herself.

            Finishing the dishes Joey heard a soft knock on the door, so soft she wondered if she’d imagined it.  Walking towards the door she opened it and was shocked to see her soon to be ex-husband in front of her.

            “David,” she said.

            He walked in passed her.

            “David, just go, now, before-“

            “Before you what?  Call the police on me?”

            Joey sighed.  “If I have to, yes.”

            “Joey, I want you to stop the divorce.”

            “Forget it, get out, I don’t want Camille to see or hear you.”

            “You going to keep my child from me?” he demanded.

            “David,” she said firmly.  “Go, now.  Don’t make this harder on anyone than it has to be.  We’re over, we are not a family anymore.”

            He still wouldn’t leave.

            “Fine,” she said, leaving the door to walk towards the phone.

            But he was faster and he yanked her from the phone, yanking the cord out of the wall.  Fear swelled up in her, he was going to lose it, he was going to become that being she hated. 

            “David, don’t, please,” she said, hating the fear that stood at the very edge of her voice.

            He walked towards her and she backed away, desperately fearful that Camille would come back and see this.  He painfully gripped her wrist and dragged her in front of the mirror.  He stood behind her, his arms crossing over her chest so she was imprisoned.  She hated the image she saw.  She knew that’s why he did it. 

            “Do you see who you are?” he asked her, and she tore her gaze from the mirror.

            “David, just get out before you hit me or beat me and then you’ll NEVER get Camille.  I don’t want to hurt you David, but I’m not gonna leave my daughter with you if I can’t trust you not to hit me.”

            She yanked herself free and headed for the bathroom to wash her face of his hands.  David whipped her around and grabbed her face in a deathlike grip.  Joey shivered in fear and she hated that he saw that, she HATED that he had that effect on her.  He was combing his fingers through her hair lovingly, that was a dangerous sign.  He brought her mouth to his and forced his way inside.  It wasn’t a kiss though, it was a violation.  She ripped her mouth away and stared into his eyes.

            “David, please don’t.  Okay, you’ve scared the hell out of me, mission accomplished.  Let’s stop this, our little girl is in the next room.”

            “Let me see her.”

            She looked at him like he was crazy.

            “David, you come in here and taunt me, violate me, which by the way right now even being near me is illegal, and you’re now wanting me to let you touch my child?”

            “OUR child-“

            “No!  Not anymore!  She is mine and I will protect her from ANYONE I have to including you!  I will give my life for her but guess what David, it’s not gonna come down to that because I’m not gonna let you hurt me anymore either.  Now get the hell out of here or I will scream bloody murder and a neighbor will hear me, so help me God.”

            He pulled her back to him, throwing her against the wall, and as she fell backwards, she went head first into the corner of the open door, collapsing to the floor as her eyes sank to the back of her head.  She remained conscious though and forced herself to see clearly again, to win this battle or at least not go down without a fight.  He grabbed her arms and pulled her from the floor.  His face only inches from her own, gripped her neck, squeezing it so she widened her eyes at him in almost a bleeding expression.  He slapped her, squeezing her, enforcing bruises anyway he could as she screamed at him, begging him to stop.  He knocked her back against the couch with his fist and the blood fell from her nose. 

            In her dazed state she saw Camille in the distance, fear and tears consuming her.  Joey blinked, trying to get her eyes to focus when she saw David going towards Camille.

            “David, NO!” she cried.  “Cami go back into your room!”

            Camille did, running, scared. 

            Nothing had EVER angered Joey more than seeing him terrorize her daughter.  Fuck what he did to her but when he DARED to frighten her child, the primal instinct of being a mother first and for most kicked in, and she ran over to the drawer, pulled out the gun, aiming it at the man she would never be bruised from again.

            He turned to see her, her eyes blazing fire and fear fell over his eyes, knowing this was his last breath as she fired at him, gladly again and again until he was on the floor and dead.  With him on the floor, she knew there was no more crying in fear, no more living on her knees, no more tears and no more bruises.  She had found herself esteem again, and would be free…forever.

            And then the fact that she had just murdered her own husband, the man she had loved with every breath inside her, caused her to drop the gun and be consumed in the dizziness.  As the world began to move in her vision she heard someone scream her name.  It was Bessie.  She could hear Bessie but couldn’t answer.  She was falling to the floor because of the dizziness but landed in Bessie’s arms. 

            “Joey!  Joey honey, honey talk to me,” Bessie said, having caught her bleeding sister just in time.

            “I’m all right,” Joey said, the blurriness fading.  “I’m all right,” she said, and hugged her sister.  “Listen to me, you’ve got to get Camille out of here.”

            “Where is she, is she okay?”

            “I don’t…KNOW!  Go please and get her out of here.  Do whatever you have to do.  I’ll call an ambulance but GET her out of here before she sees me or David.”

            “Joey-“

            “Please!  Don’t let her see ANYTHING!”

            Bessie didn’t want to leave her sister but she had a child and knew she would be asking the same.

            “O-okay, just take care of yourself, I’ll take her to Kelly’s house and I’ll come back for you, I promise.”

            Joey pulled herself up by latching onto the counter.

            “Just make sure that she’s safe, Bessie please,” Joey begged.

            “I will, I would never let you down,” Bessie said, handing Joey her cell phone.

            Joey took it and pulled herself together, making the call.  She slid to the floor again after the call, and didn’t remember much except waking up in a hospital bed…again.

 

Chapter 6

 

            The doctors had probed and overwhelmed her with the needles and questions.  The evidence was with the police but there wasn’t much question of what happened.  She was surrounded by her co-workers who were hovering over her like she was two.  She wished they’d calm down and treat her like she was any other patient.  They were defending her to the cops when she didn’t really want it.  She gave her statement and then her closest doctor friend practically threw him out.

            “You all right sweetie?”

            “Brittney, I’m fine, go home to your husband and kid.”

            “Forget it, I’m staying right here with you.”

            “No,” Joey said.  “My dad’s on his way, Bessie’s already called four times, I’ll be fine.”

            “You need to sleep, but I’m not leaving this hospital until Mike shows up.”

            “Fine, I love you babe,” Joey said.

            When the room was finally quiet and dark, and Joey thought she could close her eyes and concentrate on sleep instead of what just happened, she heard a faint ringing.  It was coming from her purse.  She groaned in annoyance as she reached for it and got out her cell.  They had to give her a room with a window, which without this phone wouldn’t be ringing, and maybe she could SLEEP!

            “Hello?” she said groggily.

            “Are you okay?”

            Dawson, Dawson’s comforting voice.

            “Who told you?”

            “I called your house and it was disconnected, so I called Bessie.  She told me.  Are you okay?”

            “Yeah, I’ll be fine, Dawson.”

            “The second these jerks get off my back I’ll be down there.”

            “Dawson, you don’t-“

            “Joey, shut up and don’t say what you’re gonna say because I know what you’re gonna say and it’s not gonna make any difference.”

            “Dawson, I love you.”

            “Don’t say that like something’s over between us.”

            “No I’m not, I just…something bad happened to me tonight, and I know now what kind of bad things can happen to people and should anything ever happen to me-“

            “Jo-“

            “Should it!  Dawson listen to me.  I-I just want you to know that I love you, and I always have.  My whole life I’ve loved you, I never stopped, no matter who else I fell in love with and I never will.”

            “Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you again.”

            She covered her eyes with her hand and tried not to cry.

            “You don’t know that,” she sobbed.  “I shot and killed someone tonight Dawson.  And I can never take that back, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel guilty when I don’t or if I am feeling guilty and I can’t tell or if I’m scared of losing my child and going to prison for the rest of my life.”

            “Joey, that’s not going to happen.  You shot him in self-defense and that’s obvious to the world.  You’re in the hospital for Christ’s sake-“

            “Dawson, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, okay, they could do anything they want to me, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, you don’t know.  And you can’t fix this for me-“

            “Yes I can.  Let’s say worst comes to worst.  You get a life sentence.  I’ll hire someone to break you out and we’ll get the hell out of the country and change our names and be safe.  There is nothing I won’t do for you.”

            “Stop, you’ll make me cry harder cause I don’t deserve this.  I married him, I screwed up-“

            “Joey, no, you didn’t.  Would you give yourself a break?  You’re so damn hard on yourself-“

            “Yeah well, you kill someone and see how hot you feel,” she sighed.  “I’m sorry.  You’re being so good to me and I just…screw up.  I healed all the crap before, I’ll heal this one too, I’ll make myself strong and happy again, and a big part of me doesn’t want you to see me until then.”

            “You want me to stay away?”

            “No!  No, God, I just…I feel like my shell is broken and I’m lying here…broken and exposed and that everyone’s just gonna come in and see that, and I don’t want anyone to see me broken, I’m so tired of BEING broken, I want to be fixed and free and safe and alive again.”

            “You will be, there is no question about that.”

            “You’re feeding me your strength Dawson, I feel it.”

            “Good.”

            “Dawson?”

            “Yeah?”

            “You told me you could handle anything but being my mistake.  You weren’t, you aren’t, you are the only thing I may have ever done right.  That feeling I got when I was twelve never disappeared.”

            “I love you Jo.”

            “I love you back.”

 

            She was actually dozing off.  She was grateful for that but she was terrified and that was getting to her.  The door suddenly burst open and she gasped in fear.

            “Jo?”

            “Daddy,” she said, opening her arms for him which he raced into, holding his daughter, raining paternal kisses on, telling her it would be all right which she so desperately needed.  “Oh don’t leave me,” she sobbed.

            “I won’t, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”

            “Just hold me.”

            “I’ve got you baby.”

 

            The next few months were purely hell for Joey.  She had no idea how long it took to clear yourself even when it was undeniably self-defense.  Bessie had decided to lie to the police to help Joey’s situation and say she saw the entire thing.  She’d worked it out with Joey so they’d gotten the lie completely straight between both of them.  That certainly did help Joey’s situation but the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and it seemed like this event would never stop haunting her.

            As the final stages of the case was winding down, Joey went house-hunting and bought a new house for herself and Camille, and went back to work as Bessie helped them settle in.  Thankfully Bessie had talked to Camille about what had happened because Joey wasn’t sure she could handle telling her.  Joey was on overload to the max and there were days she even felt suicidal, too tired of all of this to keep going another day.  But she didn’t because of her daughter.  Her daughter was worth everything to her.

            She’d held Camille every night and tried to be the mother Camille needed, but didn’t know if she could succeed.  She didn’t know how to reply to her friend’s calls.  What should she say to Jen, Pacey, and Jack?  She had no idea other than thank you and I love you too.  She hadn’t heard from Dawson in weeks.  She figured he had no time to talk to her and even though she wanted to call him, to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, she had no idea what to say to him.  She was grieving her own murder, grieving David, and didn’t know what to do about it.

            She sat in her office making notes about her last appointment while listening in the background to Enigma’s Sadness, a gorgeous and very sexy song.  It was somewhat soothing to her. 

            “Dr. Potter?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Your 3:15’s here.”

            “Thanks Jacquelyn, send him in.”

            Joey heard the door open.

            “Just give me a sec here, then we’ll go into the exam room.”

            As she was finishing up a prescription, a hand came under her face to touch her and she gasped in fear as she lifted her face to see who it was.  Looking into Dawson’s eyes, the tears formed and fell.  Dawson’s hand caressed her face and she let the pen slide from her hand.  She felt his hand on her skin and closed her eyes, placing her head down slowly on the desk, Dawson’s hand following, beneath her skin.  He kneeled to the ground so he could keep his hand on her face, keep her face resting against his touch.  It was one of the most intimate things in her life, even though she was only resting her face against his hand.  It was the first time in months she’d allowed anyone to touch her, to support her, to peek inside her shattered world.  She cried silently on his hand for several minutes, her tears caressing his skin, never once did he budge, feeling the connection surge between them.

            “Joey,” Dawson said, running his fingers through her hair.

            She sighed and slowly sat up, her hands going to wipe her tears away.

            “Don’t,” he said.  “You’ll streak your face.”

            He took a tissue and wiped her face for her, the makeup coming right off, and at that moment Joey began to feel bare, that he could see it all, no matter if she didn’t want him too.

            “So you got rid of my 3:15?”

            “No, I made myself an appointment.”

            “Oh did you?” she laughed, using the Kleenex to wipe the tearstains on her face.

            “Joey, you’re handling this so much better than you know.”

            “Am I?” she asked.

            He noticed the music in the background.

            “Can you do something for me, Jo?”

            “What?”

            “I want you to stand up and let me hold you, and I want you to cry.  I want you to let it all out, and then let it go.  Piece by piece.  Joey what’s happening to you right now is that this tragedy has this hold on your heart.  It’s attached itself.  And the only way for you to make each hand of this pain let go of your heart is to let it go by bringing it out.  And then each time you do, one of these many hands tugging and your heart and making you hurt will be ripped off.”

            He was kneeling in front of her, and she couldn’t hold back anymore.  She slid off her chair and dropped into his arms, crying softly.  Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her up off the ground.  She let all the tears come out against him, as they barely moved together with the music. 

            “When I was about thirteen,” Joey whispered.  “I had this dream where I climbed through your window and you were on your bed, and when you saw me you stood up and walked towards me.  I remember I put my hand up, like this,” she said showing him.  “And you met my hand with just our fingertips touching.  There was no other connection other than that.  And I felt so safe.”

            Dawson met Joey’s fingertips with his own, and she bit her lip that trembled from tears, and she rested her head against his chest.  Pretty soon Dawson’s fingers laced with hers, tightly, securely. 

            “I wish to God I’d been there to protect you, Jo,” Dawson said, her pain was killing him.

            “Shh,” she said.  “You told me on our first date that everything would always be simple between us.  And it wasn’t, but the reason it wasn’t had nothing to do with you Dawson.”  She raised her head up to look at him.  “Everything in my entire life has always been a struggle, so when something isn’t a struggle I screw it up myself so it’s familiar to me.  It’s my problem, it always has been.  It’s my own psychological problem and I hate it but it’s what I’ve always done.  Every time there’s something good in my life I aggravate it until it’s screwed up.  Everything has always been so hard on me that I’m afraid of something being easy.”

            “I know,” Dawson said, caressing her face with the back of his hand.  “But you didn’t screw David up.  You are not responsible for him.”

            “No, I don’t blame myself for David, that’s one thing I am free of.”

            “Would you let me make something easy for you?”

            Joey closed her eyes.  “God yes, I’m in need of something easy.”

            “You haven’t checked your messages have you?”

            “No,” Joey said.

            Dawson looked on her desk.

            “Okay, Jo, when you see you have fifteen messages, you might want to check them.  Especially since ten of them are from me.”

            She exhaled a laugh and felt alive for the first time in weeks.  She stood up and pressed the button and sure enough, the first message was her lawyer.  When she heard him say it was over, she began to collapse but Dawson caught her.

            “Whoa, you okay?  Here, sit down,” he said, moving her carefully into her chair.

            “I’m fine, I just…can’t believe it’s finally over.”

            “Can I get you a glass of water?”

            “I’m okay, Dawson.”

            Tears came though. 

            “I don’t know if I should be happy.  My husband’s dead, the father of my child is dead, because of me, and the law says it’s okay.”

            Dawson took her hands in his.

            “Jo, you need to forgive yourself, you need to let it go.  You need to breathe again, I know you haven’t breathed since this happened.  Breathe and know you’re free.”

            She exhaled and he pulled her back up, holding her, dancing again.  The music was still playing, and they moved with it.  Joey closed her eyes and tried to forgive herself, to let it go, to do just what Dawson said, because she knew he was right.  But the tears still flowed down her cheeks, and the anger at the injustice of all this burned inside her.  She opened her eyes and looked into his, then lowered her eyes to his mouth, leaning in, touching his lips to hers.  As soon as there was contact between them, a heart-wrenching sob exuded from Joey, and Dawson advanced the kiss, letting her use him to fill the void inside her.  She shook with tears as they kissed, but she didn’t pull back.  Her lips moved against his, the kiss turning more and more passionate by the second. 

            Pulling back, Dawson cupped her face and pulled her mouth to his more hungrily than the previous kiss.  Their breath mingled before their lips touched, and they savored the spark of passion between them that had initiated only seconds before.  Passion overcame them and their lips met.  And this time, there was no hesitation, no tentativeness.  Their lips met open and ready.  They were bent on tasting one another, and their lips clung to each other as they went about the dance.  Joey drew her head back slowly, letting her lips cling hungrily to Dawson’s for a moment longer than necessary.

            She pulled back abruptly when her tears got the better of her.  She tried to pull back from him but he held her upper arms and wouldn’t let her go.

            “Dawson,” she cried, trying to maintain and not cry in front of him.  “Please let me go.”

            “No.  No, come here,” he said, pulling her back, gripping her face in his hand and kissing her again.  “Joey use me to stop the pain,” he whispered, and kissed her again. 

            She obeyed him and tried to put her pain into the kiss, into the passion, and it worked though she still cried between kisses.  The kiss took less time to grow to pure passion than the previous ones, and she felt Dawson’s hands slide down her back and pull her against him as they crashed against each other, feeding the passion they had denied for months…no, that they had denied for years. 

            He kissed her again, slowly, lingering, brushing his lips against her own.  Outlining her lips with his tongue, he urged them to part and give him access.  She granted that to him when she slowly opened her mouth and leaned into his kiss.  Their tongues stroked and lashed around each other, and her hands reached up to hold his face, pulling him more and more against her. 

            Before realizing what he was doing, he was pulling her down to the floor, so they were both on their knees, completely engulfed in the kiss.  She whimpered in the emotional pain and Dawson felt her tears on his skin and wiped them away with his fingers.  When his hands reached for her breasts she sighed into his mouth, then reached for the buttons of his shirt with her long fingers, and soon she was peeling his shirt, and was lost in the need, the craving.  The craving for something to stop the pain, something to wipe her thoughts away and let her breathe without the memories of the deceit, the anger and the abuse. 

            And she was.  She was losing it into the passion, she was feeling the craving as Dawson’s hands roamed her body, slipping beneath her uniform and touching her.  He was giving her life in this moment.  The ability to take a breath that wasn’t painful.  She kissed him back and ran of hands gently over his torso, wanting to give him something back, wanting him to know she loved him.

            “Joey!”

            It was the nurse from the hospital next door.

            “Yes, what?” she said back into the intercom, pulling herself up and rebuttoning her blouse and putting her uniform back on. 

            “Erica’s heart’s failing.  We’ve got her prepped but her cardiologist fell through.  Get over here Joey, it’s gonna stop beating any second and there’s no doctor!”

            “All right, be right there, did she just come in?” Joey asked, wiping the tears and getting her act together.

            “Yeah, an ambulance got her, she passed out and is having difficulty breathing.”

            “K, be right there.”

            Joey stood up and pulled Dawson up with her.

            “I’m sorry,” she said, helping him put his shirt back on.  “I’ve got to go to this girl or else she could die.”

            “Then let’s go, but this is pure torture.”

            “Yeah, I know, I was right there with you, feeling what you felt, wanting what you wanted.  I’m sorry to ask you this but can you drive me to the hospital?”

            “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

            Joey ran through the hospital to Erica’s room with Dawson behind her.  She was so worried she didn’t have the presence of mind to tell him to wait in the lobby.  She reached Erica’s room and saw her having a hard time breathing.  Joey walked over to the girl and took her hand.  Dawson stood at the door and watched.

            “K, honey, it’s all right, just concentrate on your breathing, it’s gonna be fine.”

            “Jo, here,” a nurse said, giving her a file.
            “Her vitals?”

            “All weak.”

            “Did you get a BC?”

            “Yeah, and we’re setting up an EKG to see her heart.”

            “Did you feed her her meds?”

            “We needed conformation from you, Doc.”

            “Do it,” Joey said.

            “What’s wrong with me?” Erica gasped.

            Joey put the file down and held Erica’s hands in hers, kissing them.  She had been treating this girl for several months but had to turn her over to another doctor during the chaos.

            “Everything’s gonna be okay, honey, don’t try to talk, just try to breathe.”

            “I’m scared,” Erica cried.

            “I know, but we’re here and we’re gonna take care of you.”

            “Blood pressure’s dropping along with heart-rate and pulse,” the nurse said as Erica lost consciousness.  “Goddammit, flatline, we’re losing her.”

            “No we’re not,” Joey said calmly.  Joey took the defibrillators.  “Set it up quick!  Clear!” she said, slamming them down on Erica’s heart.

            “Nothing,” the nurse said.    

            “Shit,” Joey said.  “Again.”

            The EKG showed nothing, critical flatline.

            “Goddammit, everything’s crashing-“

            “Shut up, go up to 360 and do it again,” Joey said.  “Clear!”

            Still nothing.

            “Fuck!” Joey exclaimed.  “Another amp of EPI and we’ll go again at 360.  Clear!”

            Still no pulse.

            “All right, go up to 400,” Joey said.

            No response.

            “Okay, give her another amp of EPI intracardial and go up to 400 again.  Give it to me,” she said, taking the needle and preparing to inject it into Erica’s heart.

            “Wait!” the nurse said, blocking Joey.  “We got a heartbeat.”

            “It’s erratic,” Joey said.  “She has to stabilize.”

            “Still erratic…” the nurse said.

            Joey kept watch on the EKG and said a prayer under her breath.  The next crucial seconds would determine this life and it terrified Joey.  She closed her eyes and prayed harder, praying that the next words she heard would be that Erica would live.  Joey got her wish.   

            “She’s stabilizing,” the nurse said, with surprise. 

            Joey exhaled.  “Thank God.”

            “Blood pressure and heart-rate are stabilizing.”

            “All right I want her under constant supervision, if anything changes even the slightest I want to know about it.  When’s Dr. Neal returning?”

            “Tomorrow for sure.”

            “Is she still stabilizing?”

            “Yeah, it’s looking good.  You saved her life.”

            Joey put down the defibrillators.

            “All right, I’m gonna make some phone calls to Erica’s family.  Run the tests, I wanna know how strong her heart is and how quickly this infection is eating at it.  I wanna know the difference the drugs make and I want to know the second she wakes up.  I want to go after this infection as aggressively as we can because we don’t have that many options.  No one gets in this room without being sterilized.  I want to put her on the world wide donor list and let donor facilities all over the world know her condition and her heart and tissue type.”

            “You got it, Doc.”

            Joey left the hospital room and headed for the Nurse’s Station.  Dawson followed, amazed.

            “Thank you for getting me here,” she told Dawson, picking up the phone.

            “That was incredible, it’s just like in the movies.”

            She smiled. “Yeah, that’s what all those years of med school was for.  Ms. Dickerson?  Your daughter was brought into the hospital a few minutes ago.  Her heart stopped but it’s now beating again and she’s stabilizing.  Yeah, forth floor, room 417.  Yeah, I’ll be here waiting.”

 

            After Erica was stable, Joey took off her stethoscope and sat down in the hallway chair.  Dawson came over to her.

            “Joey, you’ve saved lives over the last few years, and you always will.  And I know you feel guilty about David, but you know whose life you were saving?  You were saving you.  And your life is every bit as valuable as every patient you’ve ever saved.”

            “I’m just so relieved, I think we might have a chance at saving her without a donor.”

            “You told me earlier you wanted me to make your life easy.  I still want to.  Come with me back to Capeside.”

            Joey thought a minute.  God it would be wonderful to get away from all of this and go back to her home, she could see her mother.  She hadn’t visited her mother in years.  She could see Bessie and Bodie and their son.  She could see Jack and Jen again and she could see Gale.  She could sit on the beach and exhale.  She so desperately wanted to go, to escape back to Capeside.

            “When?”

            “Tonight.”

            Was he insane?  Tonight?  Just like that?

            “Dawson I can’t.  I just got back to work.  I’ve just bought a house.”

            “You can pay the bills at Capeside, and you can find a replacement.  Do you want to come with me?”

            “Yes, but I can’t just up and leave.  I can’t leave this hospital-“

            “Yeah you can, they’ll understand.”

            She looked up at him.  “What are the chances of you shutting up until I say yes?”

            “There is no chance.”

            “Figured, all right.  Lemme just find a replacement for my patients and get everything setup.”

            “Do you want to bring Camille?”

            “No, she needs an escape from this also.  She needs to stay with a friend.  I know just who she’ll be safe with and happy with.  But I have to talk to her first.”

 

Chapter 7

 

            Joey unlocked the door to her house and walked in.

            “Hello,” she called to Camille and the baby-sitter.

            Camille came running to her mother.

            “Dawson!” she shouted, jumping into his arms. 

            Dawson picked Camille up and Joey paid the baby-sitter.  On the way home she’d checked with Amy and Amy was happy to take Camille.

            “Can I have a hug too,” Joey asked her daughter.

            “Sure,” Camille said, and hugged her mother while in Dawson’s arms.

            Joey threw her purse down and the three of them walked into the living room and sat down in the couch. 

            “Come here baby,” Joey said, and Camille climbed into her mother’s lap.  “I need to talk to you.  These past few months have been really hard on you and confusing, and I haven’t been able to answer your questions but I want you to ask me anything you want about what has happened and I promise to never lie to you, I will tell you the truth always because I love you so much.”

            “Dawson explained it to me.”

            Joey frowned in confusion. 

            “What?  How could he do that?  You were in Capeside with Bessie.”

            “I know,” Camille said.  “He showed up.  And he talked to me.”

            Joey’s eyes looked at Dawson, and she couldn’t believe how much she loved him at this moment.

            “Thank you,” she lip sank to him.  “Okay, but is there anything that you still want to ask me?”

            “What made Daddy the way he was?”

            “God honey, I wish I knew.  I wish I could explain to you what happened but I don’t know what happened.”

            “Try,” Camille said.

            Joey sighed, thinking of how she could possibly explain this to a six year old. 

            “All right,” she said.  “You know how sometimes people get hurt like that little boy down the street who fell and hurt his back so now he can’t walk?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Well sometimes what happens is your brain can get sick.  Your brain can just change so much that you do bad things and sometimes your mind does things to you that make you do things you never thought you would.  And your daddy never thought he’d do the things he did, but when he did, we found out that he was just going to get sicker and sicker and do things more and more that were bad.”

            “Like hurt you?”

            “Yeah, exactly.  The mind is so powerful and so confusing, and sometimes people get sick inside their mind and they can’t ever be well again.  And…that’s what happened to your daddy.  But he loved you more than anything in the world and he never ever wanted to get sick.  He never wanted to hurt either of us.”

            “But his mind made him?”

            “Not exactly.  But his mind changed and let him think that at certain times it was okay to hurt people when it wasn’t.  And he tried to stop thinking that way but he couldn’t.  And he would’ve gotten worse, and more angry until he really hurt someone, and he would never be able to take that back.  And he had to be stopped before he did something to someone he loved that would hurt them forever.”

            “So you stopped him,” Camille said.

            Joey didn’t quite know how to reply.

            “Yes, I did.  And I hate that I had to because I loved your daddy, and he loved me.  But he had to be stopped.”

            “Did he love us?”

            “Oh yes,” Joey said, stroking her daughter’s face.  “Oh he loved you more than he ever knew was possible.  You were the light of his life and you still are.  Daddy isn’t gone forever, he’s waiting for us.  I lost my mother and I know how confusing and painful it is and I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about it.  About anything you’re confused about or have questions about.”

            “Is he still mad at us?”

            “No.  No, you see how he’s free of his mind that was getting sicker.  He’s free of all of that and he has nothing now but love.”

            “Ginger says people who do bad things like he did go to hell.”

            “Well honey that is one point of view, and that’s the point of view of Christians and many other religions, but I don’t believe that.  I believe that God loves all his children and that he helps them.  I don’t believe God punishes the people he loves, even if they do bad things because you know what, he understands what happens a lot more than we do, and he holds us all when we die, and he takes away all the pain.  Not just the ones who were good but everyone, because he loves all of us.”

            “Can you know that for sure?” Camille asked.

            “Well, I know Ginger’s a very , very religious little girl who has been taught that hell does exist, and that is her choice whether or not to believe in it.  But I promise you that if there is a hell, Daddy will not be alone because the hell Ginger believes in takes in people for doing much less bad things than that.  Such small things like…stealing something once or saying a curse word or lying about something and a hundred other things they call sin.  But you know what, people make mistakes and they learn from them.  And when they don’t learn from them, they get sick, and that’s what happened to Daddy, he couldn’t learn not to hurt us and so I stopped him from hurting us and I set him free.  Free of all the pain and anger inside him.  And now he’s watching over us, loving us.”

            “But can you know that for sure?”

            Joey wouldn’t lie to her.

            “No, because I don’t remember being a spirit, but I know I have one.  But even if there is a hell, I’m not gonna spend my life worrying about the possibility of being sent there because right now, I’m going to live my life, and if I’m going to hell then so be it, but I’m not going to waste precious time in fear of something that may or may not exist.  But no, I can’t know for sure.  But I tell you what, if there is a hell, I will personally request to go to it when I die and see your father, and I’ll make sure God understands that your daddy loved us very much.”

            “You’re not afraid of it?”

            Damn, what had Ginger said to Camille to make her so afraid?

            “No,” Joey said with a smile.

            Dawson was amazed at how bright Camille was for how young she was.  She fully comprehended what Joey was telling her, and she was only six years old. 

            “Baby, I want you to be free of this for awhile.  I want you to be happy and spend a few days with James, would you like that?”

            Camille’s face lit up.  “Yes!  I’ve missed them.”

            “Would you like to spend a week with them?”

            “Yes.”

            “Would it be alright if you stayed with them without me?”

            “Yes, I’ll have fun with James and Amy.”

            “Oh great, sweetheart.  You and I both just need to have fun.  I’m going to go to visit Bessie with Dawson and you’ll stay with Amy for a week, all right?”

            “Sure.  Can I go watch t.v. now Mom?”

            “Absolutely, go,” Joey said and Camille left the room.

            “That was incredible,” Dawson said.  “You’re such an incredible mother.”

            Joey smiled.  “Thank you.  I try.”

            “That speech about religion was incredible.  And honestly I think you’re right about hell.”

            “Yeah, well, I had to grow up with everyone telling me my father and my sister would go to hell, I’ve learned to say bite me pretty well.”

            Dawson laughed softly.

            “Very true, and you know what else?  If you believed in whatever religion Camille was talking about, you and I both would’ve gone to hell already because we slept together when we weren’t married.”

            “Oh yeah, that always drove me nuts.  So much unacceptance.”

            “You’re preaching to the choir, Dawson.  Nobody accepted my nephew into this world, or my family, and they were wrong.  And I don’t need to make them accept me, I can only accept myself and my own family.”

            He gave her the most incredible look.

            “You’re an amazing woman.”

 

            Five nights later, Joey was sitting on the dock watching the sunset, her feet over the edge, she leaned back, her hands behind her on the wood, supporting her position, and couldn’t help but be flooded with memories of her youth.  Behind her was Dawson’s house, and Jen’s old house beside it.  She looked across the creek to where her own home was, that pain in the ass trailer she and Bessie had.  Bessie could drive her insane but in a way, she was glad now that they together had had to learn to survive together.  It made them both stronger.  And it was sometimes really fun, like they were both on a mission to survive and make it on their own as a team.  No parents, no rules, just learning life a bit early. 

            Dawson came out of his mother’s house and saw her sitting there, facing the sunset.  How many times had they talked at that very spot?  How many beautiful conversations and make-out sessions had they had there?  He walked over to her and sat down, joining her.  He put his arm around her and pulled her closer next to him.  She smiled and placed a hand on his chest, hugging him briefly, then turning herself so she was sitting between his legs, his arms across her chest, and they were both watching the sunset.

            “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

            “I wanna marry you, Dawson,” she said softly, and he wasn’t sure he heard correctly.

            “What?”

            “I know, everything’s crazy and I’m still screwed up about all that’s happened but I wanna make right everything I made wrong in our relationship.  I always wanted to spend my life with you, and I want the chance now to make that happen.”

            “Well that would be great except now you’ve ruined my chance for a proposal and you make me look like a dork.”

            She smiled, tilting her head up to see him.

            “Oh you can still propose, I’m just letting you know that I will forever say yes.  Dawson you gave me back my life.  You literally picked me up from the ground and washed away every impression of evil David ever inflicted on me.  You made me safe, you made me smile again.  You explained to my daughter the words I didn’t have to give her.”

            “You have more guts and strength than…you EVER give yourself credit for, Jo.  You only focus on when you do something you later regret.  So stop.”

            His arms crossed over her chest protectively, and the molecules from his body went into hers, feeding her his strength.  She sighed, closing her eyes, letting a piece of the pain go.

            “Do you remember when you were filming me in that movie when Pacey’s supposed to come out of the water and grab me but he did it too soon for your taste?”

            Dawson half cringed, half laughed at the memory.

            “Oh yeah.  Back when you hated him.”

            Joey wondered if there was a hint of hostility in that but couldn’t tell.

            “God yes, damn he really pissed me off.  And I swear he did grab my ass.”

            Dawson chuckled and Joey elbowed him a little.

            “Oh I’m glad you find that so amusing.  Do you know how many times I let him pull me in the water for you?” she laughed.

            “Well, I do have a real directing career now, would you like to act in one of those?”

            “Oh God, wait a minute, you actually think I can act?” she said, pulling from him just enough so she could turn and see him.

            “Yeah, sure.  Particularly when I’m telling you what to do every five seconds.”

            Joey smiled, rolling her eyes, lying back against him.

            “That I’m not sure I can handle.  That and the tabloids.  I’m a doctor Dawson, not an actress.”

            “You could be both.”

            She smiled.  “What is this?  You want me on the set everyday on camera so what, we can spend every single minute together?”

            “Yeah, that and I enjoyed directing you.”

            “Uh huh, I’m sure you do.  Your movies do so damn well I’d be famous and have to do publicity photos and then God help me, the tabloids might have a frenzy with me and my history, it’s a lot to handle.”

            “Yeah, but it’s fun,” he said, kissing her forehead.

            “I remember all the years I prayed you’d hold me and see me and love me.  Speaking of that day of filming you’re movie right over there, that was also the day we first met Jen, and you were hooked immediately.”

            “And you humiliated me like hell.”

            “Yes, I did, but man you pissed me off falling for her.  And not even because I was in love with you at that point, because I wasn’t, not yet.  I was getting there.  But the fact that you would instantly fall for a girl the EXACT opposite of me was…not flattering.  It made me feel invisible.  I didn’t expect you to be attracted to me, but I couldn’t believe how you could even be friends with someone like me when you were so into a girl like her.”

            “You know, you two actually have a couple of things in common, you don’t have to make me sound like a total jerk.”

            “Ah sure I do,” she teased.  “I thought I guess that I’d always mean more to you than anyone else because you did to me.  Even when we were just friends.  I was such a damn idiot though.”

            “I was so pissed when you didn’t want to sleep in the same bed anymore.”

            “Hey,” she said, turning.  “If you were gonna have Jen as a girlfriend I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be too thrilled about that no matter how much you tried to convince her you saw me as a sister at best.”

            “Yeah well, good point.  We had such angst all through high school and college, it was exhausting.”

            “Exhausting is putting it mildly,” Joey said.

            “Mom’s gonna have dinner ready soon-“

            “Dawson!” Lily said.

            “And now my sister is gonna drive us nuts.”

            “That’s okay,” Joey said.  “Any man who’ll shout out his window how often he masturbates can surely handle a sister.”

            “Jo, do NOT bring that up to her.”

            “Oh I wouldn’t dream of it,” she teased.  “Hey Lily, come here, you’re young, help me up,” Joey said, reaching for Lily’s hands.

            “Dinner’s ready,” Lily said.

            “I need a hug, get over here,” Joey said, hugging Lily.

            “Let’s go eat,” Dawson said, putting one arm around Joey and the other around Lily.

 

            After dinner Dawson and Joey watched a movie in his bedroom like old times, and Joey called Camille to make sure everything was fine.  After two movies Joey began to yawn, and she got up.

            “Where you going?” Dawson asked.

            “To bed,” she yawned.  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

            “No no no,” Dawson said.  “Sit down, lie down, go to sleep.  Have you forgotten our ritual?”

            “I’m gonna be honest.  I love you and I want everything to work out between us and I know it will because I’m going to make that happen, but I’m still so upset that I can’t go the next step with you right now.”

            Dawson knew that already.

            “Yeah, and you’re point is?  Jo I have plenty of practice sleeping in the same bed with you without touching you.”

            Joey couldn’t hide the small smile that touched her lips.  She walked back over and fell onto the bed.

            “All right, you win.  I’ve missed these days.  I gotta tell you that college was one of the most depressing times in my life because I didn’t have this.  I didn’t have us.  And I needed it so bad.”

            “I needed it too,” he replied.

            The light was out.

            “Dawson?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Would you hold me?”

            “Sure,” he said, moving towards her, holding her in the spoon position.

            He knew she wasn’t feeling safe, and he held her tighter when she began to tremble.

            “You cold?”

            “No,” she whispered.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

            “Jo you’re safe because I’ve got you.”

            “I’m afraid I’ll have a bad dream.”

            “I’ll wake you up every time, I promise.  You talk in your sleep and I’m a light sleeper so I’ll wake up and I won’t let the dream continue.”

            She exhaled, relieved.

            “Thank you.”

 

            He turned over and woke up.  She wasn’t in the bed.  Where’d she go?  The warm breeze was coming in through the window.  The window.  He crawled out of bed and went over to the window.  He saw her on the dock, she shined in the unusually bright moonlight.  He wasn’t awake enough yet to climb down the ladder so he went out the front door. 

            She sat with her legs over the edge, remembering how many millions of times she’d sat like this.

            “Hey,” Dawson said, coming up to join her.

            “Hey,” she replied.  “Couldn’t sleep.”

            “Why not?”

            “I don’t know.  I get insomnia now and then.”

            She looked out at the water.

            “The water lapping against the moon, it’s gorgeous,” she sighed.

            Geez it was hot.  The breeze was dying down and the heat was going to kill Joey.

            “You wanna build a campfire and toast a marshmallow?” Dawson suggested mischievously. 

            “Oh you live to be a Boy Scout,” Joey teased.

            “Wait here, in a few minutes I’ll have you eating a deliciously orgasmic marshmallow.”

            He was right.  A few minutes later they were eating marshmallows, and she was wiping the melted chocolate from her chin with her long, beautiful finger. 

            “You want another one?” he asked.

            “No, they’re good but it’s too hot to do this.  For God’s sakes, put the fire out, the humidity’s like a hundred percent.”

            He put the fire out.  Joey tugged at the neck of T-shirt.  Her bra stuck to her body uncomfortably, damp beneath her breasts.  She tried to pull it away.  It was literally driving her nuts. 

            “What’s the matter?” Dawson asked.

            “My bra,” she said irritably.

            “What’s the matter with it?”

            “The heat is making it stick to me very uncomfortably.  I’m gonna take it off if you don’t mind.”

            “Please, be my guest.”

            “You wanna go for a swim?” she asked.

            “At three o’clock in the morning?”

            “Well it’s generally a little embarrassing to skinny dipping in the daytime.”

            “Skinny dipping?”

            “Yeah, I’m hotter than hell, you?”

            “Yeah, it’s pretty damn hot.”

            Joey looked at the creek, she could almost feel the cold water closing over her burning skin.

            “Lemme just put this stuff away and I’ll be right out.  I take it you don’t want me to look at you until you’re in so I’ll make you a deal.  You don’t look at me I won’t look at you.”

            “Deal, didn’t we do this once when we were fourteen or something?” she said, not quite sure she remembered.

            “Probably.”

            She smiled. 

            “Well I’m burning up so get out of here.”

            “Yes ma’am.”

            Joey stood up and looked over her shoulder at him.

            “But don’t be long.”

            When he was inside the house she quickly slipped her biker shorts off, her T-shirt, and then she snapped her bra off with a sigh of relief and jumped into the water.  It splashed and rose up against her skin, bubbling against her like champagne.  The water embraced her, cooling her.  The moon slipped beneath the clouds spreading a silver path over the black water.  The water was anything but still.  It caressed her heated skin.  She floated on her back, dipping her head back under the surface.

        The air felt cool now as it moved softly across the skin of her breasts.  Her nipples hardened.  She arched her back and tilted her head back, then stretched her arms out into the water over her head.  Then it dawned on her how long she’d been alone and she placed her feet back on the ground and turned back to the house.  Dawson was right in front of her and scared the shit out of her.  At the sight of him she screamed and he clamped a hand over her mouth and finally she stopped, out of breath.

               “Jesus, Jo, you wanna wake up the neighborhood so we get arrested?”

               He took his hand from her mouth.

               “What the hell you doing sneaking up behind me like that?”

               “Well before you screamed so loud my hair blew back I was going to say hi.”

               She couldn’t help but laugh.  He made her laugh so hard sometimes.

               “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scream in your face but you scared the hell out of me.”

               “Yeah I noticed that.”

               She laughed again and smacked him.

               “Stop making me laugh.”

               “All right I will.  So you cooled off at all?”

               “Yes, thank God.  You need to turn up the air-conditioning in your house.”

               “My mother’s never wanted that.  I don’t even know if she has air-conditioning anymore.  She always liked to roast.  Don’t ask, I have no idea why.”

               “The water feels good.”

               “I swear you should’ve been a Pisces, I swear you’re a fish.”

               She waded in the water, then noticed the moon came back out from beneath the clouds.

               “Full moon out,” Dawson said.  “Makes the tides in the water even higher.”

               “In the ocean, Dawson, not in a creek.”

               “Not true.  The moon controls all water.  And our bodies are seventy percent water so the moon controls our bodies too.  The water in our bodies and the blood in our veins is also pulled by the gravity.”

               She was treading water and couldn’t deny he was right.  

               “Do you feel it Jo?”

               At his words, his soothing voice, she felt him pulling at her blood actually.               Her veins felt full, her pulse quick and full of life.  Her blood was throbbing through her body, awakening her body.  He reached a hand through the water and brushed his fingertips lightly along her shoulder.  Her eyes flew open.

               “Oh yeah, I feel it,” she said to him.  “And I feel you,” she said.  

               “You don’t want me to touch you,” he stated, removing his hand.

               She sighed.

               “I know I’m asking a lot.”

               “You’re not asking a lot.  I just want a lot.”

               “Dawson no you don’t.  You’ve been my night and shining armor and I love you.  And I want to give you the rest of my life.  If after all the crap I’ve put you through you’ll still have me.”

               “Jo you never lost me.  There were no morals when it came to you and me.  I didn’t care if you were married or had kids with someone else, I always wanted you and I always hoped that there’d still be a chance for us someday.”

               “There is,” she said softly.  

               She reached her hand out to caress his face.

               “I love you Dawson.”

               “I love you back.”

               “So let’s complete another piece of the fantasy,” she said.  “I don’t need to wait anymore.”

               Moving her body through the water to him, she brought his mouth down to hers.

Chapter 8

               The next day Dawson and Joey were having lunch at a café on the docks and Joey could feel the eyes still on her, the negative whispers still including her name.

               “Some things never change,” she said to Dawson.

               “Don’t let them get to you.”

               “I just never seem to fail to give them something to talk about, do I?  I mean I can get out of here, become a successful cardio-surgeon and you can become your dream and we come back here and we’re still who we were back then.”

               He put his hand over hers.

               “Let them talk.  Screw em.”

               She smiled and ate her hamburger.  There was a parade or something outside, the roads were closed for blocks.  Joey watched out the window at how little this town had changed in ten years and even though that was difficult, it was also a comfort.  She was distracted when she heard two ladies at the table next to hers and Dawson’s speaking absolutely loud enough that she would hear…about her.

               “…and then she shot her own husband in front of her child.”

               Joey slowly put down her hamburger and eased her chair into the isle to get a better look at the two women.

               “You know what, feel free to speak directly to me, ladies.  I mean I know you know you spoke loud enough for me to specifically hear.  And by the way, I didn’t shoot my husband in front of my child.  A, he wasn’t my husband any longer and B, my daughter wasn’t in the room.  But you’re right, I should’ve just let him murder my child and then me instead of saving my daughter’s life, right?  I’m so glad you have all the answers in life and that you would know the perfect solution had you been in my place.  But since I did the best I could and that’s all anyone can ever ask of anyone, gossip about me a bit more quietly so I can at least have my lunch without hearing negative thoughts about my own traumatic experience, thank you.”

               Joey pulled her chair back into the table while Dawson stared at her, speechless.

               “You okay?” he finally asked.

               “Never better, you?”

               “I never cease to be amazed by you.”

               As she was about to respond they heard a huge crash and immediately saw people gathering around just outside the restaurant.  Joey stood up and as a doctor, went outside to make sure everyone was okay.  Dawson followed.  Making her way through the crowd, she got closer and closer and found that there had been a car crash by someone who had driven into this part of Capeside without legal permission and had sadly paid the price.  There was a man on the sidewalk who’d been thrown from the driver’s seat, and his wife, beside him…hysterical.  To make matters a little more uncomfortable, the wife was one of Joey’s high school worst enemies.

               “Okay, excuse me, everyone back up, I’m a medical doctor here, excuse me,” she said, kneeling down, taking the man’s pulse.  “Don’t just stand here everyone, somebody call an ambulance.”

               Dawson pulled out his cell and immediately did that.

               “Is he gonna be all right?” the wife said, shaking.

               “His pulse is weak, he’s not breathing, excuse me Jessica,” Joey said, opening the man’s airway and applying mouth to mouth on him.

               The second Joey lifted her mouth from his, Jessica threw a hundred questions at Joey.

               “Is he all right?  Is he breathing?”

               “No.  Not yet,” Joey said, tilting his throat open and closing her mouth over his to give him two full breaths, followed by unsuccessful sets of pressure to his chest.

               “Dawson, where’s the ambulance?” Joey asked.

               “Blocked, backed up on the count of the parade, they’re gonna get here as fast as they can.”

               “Oh my God, please Joey, please keep him alive-“

               Joey gripped Jessica’s hand tightly.  “Honey I’m going to do the best I can, just try and stay calm, that’s the best thing you can do for him now.”

               Joey took his pulse again.

               “I’m losing his pulse, okay, Jessica, I need you to me a favor, when I apply mouth to mouth to him, I’m going to place my hand on his chest to see if it rises, you tell me if you think it does so I get two opinions.”

               When Joey did, she could tell instantly that his chest had not risen.

               “Nothing happened,” Jessica said.

               “I know,” Joey replied disapprovingly.  “And his complexion is turning a pale blue.”

               “What does that mean?”

               “It means something’s blocking his airway, I need to reach into his throat and try to remove whatever’s in there.”

               Jessica nodded frantically.  “Please, save him!”

               As Joey did so, she noticed the crowds of people around her, the close circle tightening with anticipation.  Some tourists were actually taping while one woman dressed in flip-flops and a straw hat prayed.  Joey dug as deeply as she could into the man’s throat and did sadly pull out two of his bloody teeth.

               “Dawson, do me a favor and call Lily, tell her to bring my medical bag down here now,” Joey said.  “And somebody get me some water and ice and a clean washcloth!  And if someone can find it, a first aid kit!”

               “Got it!” a waiter said, running back into the restaurant.

               Once Joey got two of the man’s teeth out of his throat and flattened out his tongue, she made sure the blood wasn’t blocking his airway and tried CPR again.  His chest still didn’t rise and he was turning more and more blue.

               “Okay, does anyone have a pocket knife?” Joey said to the crowd and a man handed her one.

               “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jessica demanded.

               “I have to give him an emergency airway so that he can breathe,” Joey said.

               “In English, Joey.”

               “I need to cut a tiny incision in his throat-“

               “Forget it, I’m willing to let you check his pulse and give him CPR, I’m not about to let you cut him open.  You and your family are about the most notorious people to ever step into Capeside and you range from everything to anti-religious drug-dealing whores-“

               “Listen to me!  I don’t give a damn if you like me or not but I am a medical doctor and this man will DIE without this-“

               “The ambulance is on its way.”

               “He WON’T last that long!” Joey proclaimed.  “For God’s sakes, Jessica, let me save him.  I don’t give a damn if you like me, I am a cardio-surgeon.  If I had to, with only a few tools I could give a woman a C-section in less than ninety seconds and I could transport a woman’s heart into another body in less than an hour so LET me do something as simple as creating an emergency airway, please!”

               Jessica debated in her mind then came to a decision quickly.

               “Do it!”  Then she panicked when Joey picked up the knife.  “W-wait, what are you gonna do?”

               “Jessica, I can teach you or I can do it!  What’s your choice?” Joey demanded, she didn’t have time to fuck around with this woman’s fears, she had to do it NOW.

               “Help him, please.”

               Lily came rushing to Joey and dropped her medical bag at her feet, out of breath.

               “Got here as fast as I could,” she said breathlessly.

               “Thanks honey,” Joey said, reaching into her bag to pull out a disinfectant, with which she disinfected the pocketknife.

               Dawson noticed there was a news camera taping the event aside from a couple of tourists filming with their tiny cameras and hoped Joey wouldn’t mind.  This was after all, still a small town and the fact that this small town girl made it back to save a guy’s life during a parade was pretty cool.  Joey used her medical bag as a pillow to prop the guy’s neck up.  Applying alcohol as quickly as she could to his neck she made a quick but precise incision in his neck and Jessica gasped, turning her head.

               “It’s all right,” Joey said, continuing the incision, realizing that this would be frightening as hell to see, Jessica was probably scared to death her hand would slip.  “I’m making the incision near his vocal cords so he’ll have a little bit of difficulty talking for a few days but he’ll be fine, I’m almost there…” she said.

               Dawson cringed, it wasn’t particularly attractive.  And Joey, who would flip out over everything in the horror movies was cutting somebody open…wow.

               “Is he okay?” Jessica said, covering her eyes.

               “I’m almost finished, hang on.”

               “I’m scared,” she said.

               “I know,” Joey said.  “I know but it’s almost over and then he’ll be able to breathe.”

               A few more seconds passed until Joey had finally opened up the airway, and sighed in relief.

               “It’s done, he’s breathing now.  The air is open to him.”

               Jessica turned and sucked in a breath at the amount of blood.

               “Oh my God, the blood.”

               “No no, I know, it looks like a lot but it’s not, and he’s fine, it’s all right.”

               Someone shouted to the crowd, “He’s breathing!” and then Joey heard cheering and claps addressed to her.

               She then saw a gash on Jessica’s face that she’d been too busy before to notice.

               “Oh my God, Jessica come here, your face.”

               “No, it’s okay, it’s just a cut-“

               “It’s not a cut, it’s a gash, I’m a doctor, get over here, I need to clean it so it will heal correctly, don’t be a martyr,” Joey said, reaching for her hand.

               While cleaning Jessica’s wounds, the ambulance finally showed up, and while Joey put the bandages on Jessica she spoke a whole lot of doctor talk to the emergency medical technicians that Dawson didn’t understand, and then Jessica and her husband were off and Joey stood up, gathering the stuff and putting it back in her medical bag.  Dawson walked over to her, amazed.

               “That was incredible,” he said, cupping her face and kissing her.

               She laughed into the kiss, then returned it.

               The next day Joey sat again on the docks, her legs over the edge.  Jen came up behind her and sat down beside her.

               “Hey you,” Joey said.

               “Hey,” Jen said, handing her a magazine.

               “What’s this?” Joey said taking it.

               “You making history.”

               There was a picture of Joey and Dawson kissing and then a smaller picture of her making the emergency airway on that man yesterday.  Then there was an article about Joey’s rescue, then a nice piece of the Potter family history as well as Joey and Dawson’s, not to mention the twisted and sick version of the so called “murder” of her husband.

               “Christ,” Joey said, amazed at the length in which her teen life and family history had been written.  “God, you could’ve at least gotten me drunk before you showed me this,” she said warily.

               Jen giggled and playfully pushed Joey.

               “Oh come on, you actually mind being on the cover of Capeside’s greatest tabloid magazine?  Joey Potter, medical doctor, mother, and survival of abusive marriage and a lifetime of crap, this shouldn’t get to you at all.”

               “Oh yeah, I’ve gone from being the daughter of the drug addict and the sister of a sinner to a medical doctor who murders the father of her only child and goes crawling back to her childhood sweetheart.  I’m improving a great deal.”

               “Fuck them,” Jen said, grabbing the magazine and throwing it in the lake.  “Joey, a little over ten years ago I stepped out of a cab right over there and walked towards you and you looked at me like I was something that had to be exterminated as quickly as possible, why is that?”

               “You represented everything I hated,” Joey said casually, sipping her soda.

               “Thanks,” Jen said.

               “Well,” Joey said, about to correct herself, but then realizing she couldn’t.  “Well yeah, okay, at the time, in the beginning, you represented everything stereotypic in women that I hated.  You were a blonde haired, blue-eyed, dress wearing, feminine, sweet, nauseating stereotype of the type of girl brainless men fall in love with-“

               “Again thanks!”

               “Wait a minute, let me finish.  So the feminist in me who wants men to fall in love with women who aren’t necessarily that beautiful, who are not always that sexual, who aren’t always fucking blonde, was really pissed off about all the jaws the dropped when you came into town and if I heard one more person say how beautiful you were I was going to throw up.  Not just Dawson, not just Pacey.  It irritates me to no end even to this day that the media has produced a specific type of woman for men to fall in love with and you perfectly fit that role and it almost felt demeaning to women to me in a way.  Or at least demeaning to the type of woman I wanted to be.  I wanted to be strong, not a girl who smiles and flirts and bats her lashes like you did, I wanted to be feisty and forceful and independent and not have to have big boobs for a guy to think she’s sexy.  So you were like a slap in the face to everything that I’d hoped for for the male species.  And yeah, of course I was jealous.  I don’t think I really knew I loved Dawson until you came up and unintentionally slapped me in the face and then I really saw how much Dawson…didn’t see me.  How much I really was nothing to Dawson.  I was Pacey to him and trust me, that was at that time about as flattering to me as being his nightstand.”

               Jen stared out at the water and continued to listen.

               “Dawson was my whole world, Jen.  He had always been my whole world.  He was there for every event in my life and I spent more time with him than anyone else on the planet.  My life was his life and sure, I’d like other guys and he’d liked other girls but when you came into the picture, it was this obsession, and never before had he liked someone so much that I was…so invisible to him.  Suddenly nothing with my life, nothing related to me mattered to him.  I could be a tool to try to make you jealous but that was about it.  So the one constant I’d had was wretched from me and you could’ve been Mother Theresa and I would’ve been so desperate to get my constant back I would’ve done anything and everything to get rid of you.  But not because I hated you, I actually liked you, you weren’t what I expected.  And you were screwing with my head because you were supposed to be the enemy and you made it really hard on me to keep you that way.  But I never thought all my crap ever touched you and when I realized it did, every time I slammed you, I felt like hell, if that helps the justification at all.  But I just couldn’t lose Dawson, he was all I had.  All I had to count on.  So it wasn’t that I was so desperately in love with him and I’m the jealous little girl pining and fantasizing about sleeping with him every night but this evil blonde is getting him instead, it was like, oh my God, he’s my world, he’s my safe place, he’s my constant, he’s my everything and he is pulling away from me and I’ve got to pull him back and make him want to stay with me, I have to make him want to keep me.”

               Even now, the intensity and the pain and desperation in Joey’s voice made Jen worry and look for tears in her eyes.  She couldn’t find any, but wouldn’t have been surprised if there had been.  She had needed Dawson again recently, then more than ever before.

               “But you were in love with him.”

               Joey swallowed and bit her lip, thinking.

               “I hate calling it that, because that makes it sound like some teenage angst crush/obsession, which it wasn’t.  It was something so much more real, something so much more than that.  And Pacey loved to just label it, he told me daily over and over and over that I was lusting over my best friend and that wasn’t how it was.  Not that I didn’t love Dawson, not that I wasn’t IN love with Dawson but my God, it’s not like I lusted after him like I did Brad Pitt or something, it was more than that.  And I hate to this day anyone labeling what Dawson and I had, because no one can.”

               “You needed Dawson then, and you needed him a few months ago…do you need him now?  And is it a had, or do you still have it with Dawson?”

               Joey looked out at the floating magazine.  

               “Well, that picture isn’t doctored, so yes, God I do.  I am so inevitably screwed up and I think I’ll have to accept that forever but I can’t let him go…not this time.”

               Jen smiled and put her arm around Joey.

               “Well no offense but thank the fucking Lord.”

               Joey laughed with her.  Then a flash hit her head so fast and so hard it hurt, and she whimpered in pain, clutching her head in her hands.

               “Oh my God!” she cried in pain, as the image shot through her, taking her back to the night he beat her, over and over and over.

               The blood was everywhere, her blood.  She was terrified, the lightening flashed outside and he broke a window, cutting his hand, and he wiped his blood on her face, marking her, claiming her.  Why was she here?  This was in the past?  Why was she seeing this?  She was on the docks with Jen, dammit.  Another incredible pain hit Joey and she saw her knees and heard Jen’s voice.

               “Joey, Joey!  Are you okay?”

               “Y-yes,” Joey said, recovering.  “It’s all right.  I think I was having a minor acute physiological disturbance, an electrical storm in the brain.  I had a vivid flashback to my past.”

               “Jesus Joey, you scared the hell out of me, you didn’t hear me, you didn’t respond to me and you grabbed your head like you were in terrible pain.”

               “I know.”

               “Are you sure you’re okay?”

               As a doctor Joey knew that should this happen to anyone else they should go straight to a neurologist, but she had been trying some extreme therapy treatments that had a side effect of this type of electrical storm.  She had decided after the first treatment that she didn’t want to go through with it any longer, but the effects were still leaving her body.  She knew that this storm inside her brain would not cause any permanent or psychological damage.

               “I’m sure.  There were some pretty extreme side effects to a new form of treatment I was trying, that being one of them, but it’s not going to continue happening, as soon as the drugs are out of my body I’ll be fine.”

               “You sure?”      

               “Yeah.  Thanks.”

               “So what was it?”

               “It was a flashback.”

               “Of what?”

               “Of David, hitting me.”

               Joey’s pain was so real and so on the surface that Jen felt it bleed off of Joey onto her.

               “Come here,” Jen said, putting her arm around Joey, who did her best not to cry.  “Here you don’t have to be strong for anyone, not me, not Dawson.  This is a chance for you to come to grips with everything, to scream and shout and cry and curse the Gods or whatever else you feel you have to without scaring or traumatizing anyone.  So allow yourself that, okay?”

               “I want to see my mother,” Joey said in a tiny, little girl voice.

               “I bet you do, go ahead.”

               “I have such a hard time visiting her, I haven’t visited her in over ten years.  Would you walk me there incase I…can’t do it or something?”

               “Sure,” Jen said, standing up, holding her hand out to Joey and pulling her up off the ground.

               As they walked together to the graveyard, Jen thought about how proud she was of Joey to escape an abusive marriage like she did.

               “You know Joey, when Pacey and Jack and I came out to see Dawson and you were there with those bruises all over your body I just…couldn’t even believe it was you.  You were the last person on earth I’d ever expect to be in an abusive marriage.”

               “I know.  I know I should’ve left sooner.”

               “Oh no, that’s not my point, that wasn’t what I was trying to say.  What I was trying to say was that I saw a different person in you that day than I ever have, and I am so proud that you did take your little girl and got the hell out of there.  But what I’m more proud of Joey is that you killed him.  I’m glad you killed him.  Because he would’ve continued to get more and more obsessed and more and more insane and he would not have been stopped enough by the law for you and your child to be safe.  It’s disgusting that in this day and age it takes SO much for a man to be put a way for physical or sexual abuse, and in the slim chance that they are, it is the female who has to go through all of the trauma.  She has to prove it, she has to fight, she has to relive it, she has to defend herself, and 98% percent of the time, the man still wins, and the woman is on the run.  You on the other hand didn’t let that happen to you, you stopped running, you stopped him.  You saved your own life and your child’s, and if your mother was ever to be proud of anything, it should be of that.”

               When they reached her mother’s grave, Joey turned to Jen and hugged her.

               “Thank you for being there for me.”

               “Anytime.”

               “I think I’d like to be alone with her for a few minutes if that’s all right.”

               “Of course, I’ll see you at dinner.”

               “Okay, great.”

               Joey looked at her mother’s headstone and knelt down.  There was some dirt over the name, which Joey’s fingers wiped away.

               “Hey Mom.”  Joey had no idea what to say.  “I don’t know why this is always so hard for me.  Your death had such an impact on my life and it hurts to even look at your headstone.  For three years I couldn’t even come to visit you, I couldn’t walk past this cemetery.  I know you know what I’ve been through and I wanted to thank you because I knew there was you in Bessie.  Her eyes weren’t just hers, they were yours.  You were looking at me too, holding me too, protecting me with her.  I love you so much.  Thank you.”

               “Sweetheart, dinner’s gonna be ready in a minute, why don’t you summon Joey, Jen, and Pacey?” Gale asked Dawson.

               “You got it, Mom,” Dawson said, kissing her on the forehead.

               When Dawson went to go get Jen and Joey, Jen was walking up his front steps as he opened the door.

               “Jen, hey, just in time, come on in.”

               “Hey, Pacey’s gonna be here in a few minutes.”

               “And Joey?”

               “Joey what?” Jen asked.

               “She’s not with you?”

               “No, I thought she was already here.  I haven’t seen her for hours.”

               “Where was she hours ago?”

               “She said she wanted to go see her mother.”

               “Oh God,” Dawson said.

               “What, that’s a bad thing?”

               Just then Pacey walked in.

               “Hey guys, what’s up?”

               “Jo went to visit her mother,” Dawson said.

               “Want me to go help her?” Pacey said.

               “No, this time I’ll do it.  Tell my mother, start dinner.”

               They both watched Dawson leave.

               “I went with her to her mother, I thought she’d be fine,” Jen commented.

               “Jo’s got serious abandonment issues, you’d think she was in a movie called Abandon.”

               “Hilarious Pace,” Jen said.  “That was a groaner.  That was beyond a groaner, that was horrible.”

               “Thank you Jen, I aim to please,” he said opening the door for her.  “After you.”

               The sun had set as Dawson made his way to the cemetery.  It was nearly dark, surely Joey would’ve left by this point.  When he reached the cemetery it was starting to sprinkle, the rain very light and warm.  Walking over towards Lillian’s grave, Dawson saw Joey there, asleep.  He kneeled down to wake her.

               “Jo,” he said gently, touching her face with the back of his hand.

               She awoke, gasping in fear.

               “Where am I?”

               “Shh, Jo, it’s okay.  You’re at your mother’s cemetery.”

               “Oh my God,” she said, putting a hand to her forehead.  “God where is she?  Where is Camille?!?” she demanded.

               “Jo!  Jo, she’s in Chicago, it’s all right.”

               Joey was taking deep, ragged, terrified breaths.

               “Jesus, Jo, come here,” he said, sliding his hand beneath her back to scoop her up into his arms.

               “No, no don’t touch me, the bruises-“ she began, pushing his hands away and touching her stomach, then she realized her bruises were gone.  “Oh he’s dead,” she said.  “Oh my God I killed him.”

               “Come here,” he said, pulling her up into his secure embrace and rocking her as she tried to get her breathing back to normal.  “Those must’ve been some massively terrifying dreaming going on there, Jo.”

               “Yeah, I’m sorry,” she said in his arms.  “Just hold me, please.”

               “I’m not going anywhere.”

               “All my life I’ve run from everyone I loved because I believed they’d disappear.  But through all of that, you were the only one who stayed, no matter how much I pushed you away.”

               Leaning her back so she was in front of him, in his arms, he stroked her face.

               “You know something, believe it or not you are my constant too.”

               “I want to be that for you, and I’ve screwed everything up so many times, I’m sorry,” she said, pulling herself up to kiss him passionately.  

               He kissed her back until the rain began to pour.

               “Should we go?” she laughed.

               “Yeah, but not home, come with me,” he said, standing up and pulling her with him.

               He took her hand and ran with her to the beach, the rain was pouring harder and harder and they were both drenched and laughing when they approached the ocean.  They ran as fast as they could into the thick waves and then she grabbed him and kissed him.  He lifted her up and brought her legs around his waist, which was considerably easier to do in the water.  She tore her mouth from his when the lightening flashed above them.

               “Shouldn’t we get out of the water before we get electrocuted?”

               “No,” he said, taking her face in his hands and pulling her to him.

               She pulled free for an instant but he grabbed her by the wrists and kissed her again, passionately.  He brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her on her cheeks, her forehead, her chin, her nose, and her closed eyelids.  He drew her lips apart with his tongue before flicking his tongue lightly into her mouth, eliciting a moan of response from her.  He dragged his mouth from hers to her ear, outlining the shape of it with his tongue as she held him closer to her.  Unbutton her drenched shirt, excitement coursed through Joey as he feverishly pushed the opened shirt to the side, exposing her breasts in a black bra.  Joey was breathing deeply in and out, her breasts rising and falling with each breath.  She looked at him with love and she felt the desire pooling low inside her.  

               “Dawson, this is insane.”

               “Yeah, so what?” he said.

               She smiled.  

               “You’re right,” she said.  “Come here,” she breathed.

               Dominatingly Dawson lowered his mouth to her breasts, his lips and tongue over the delicate flesh, the soft contours, his tongue lapping over each curve and valley.  Joey’s eyes closed instantly as the sharp waves crashed through her, and she felt her heart rate increase as well as the heat engulfing her entire body.  Dawson’s hand cupped the bottom of her breast as his mouth continued to savagely devour her.  He peeled the black cup down to take all of her nipple into his mouth.  Joey's eyes flew open as he did that, and the thunder cracked above them, scaring her enough that she jerked slightly.  Her swollen lips and her flushed face was more than enough for him to continue what he’d begun.  Gripping her face and turning it up, he kissed her again, their kisses grew slower, deeper, and wetter until they were both breathless and had to pull away for air.  Not wanting her to turn away, even to breathe, he took her face in his hands and held her in front of him.  She opened her eyes to see his smoldering gaze staring at her mouth.  Joey suppressed a shudder of desire as he rubbed a finger over her bruised lips.  His breath brushed against her face as he licked her eyelids shut.

               “Dawson, make love to me before we are struck by the lightening because it’s not going away.”

               “Gladly,” he said, peeling her shirt the rest of the way off and throwing it to shore.

               Together they hurriedly worked to remove all the necessary clothing and once they’d succeeded, he lifted her up and onto him.  Suddenly his skin was burning hers through the water.  It felt amazing against the parts she usually kept covered.  The points of her flesh touching him were on fire, the other places, lapped only by the living water.  She could feel her blood through him, throbbing and pulsating through her fingertips.  Her arms were wrapped around his neck, her legs wrapped around his body.  Their hands were all over each other, sliding softly, memorizing each other's hot skin in the cool probing water.  The cool water was sliding past her thighs.  Dawson gave a little push and slipped inside of her.  She clenched her hips against his, tilting her head back and wrapping her legs more tightly around him.  She shut her eyes and felt the raindrops on her face.  She could see the lightening through her closed eyelids.  Clinging her entire body to his, harder and harder, she opened herself further to draw him in, kissing his neck as she felt his hands roam her sizzling skin.  Her head sunk backward until it was touching the water.  She felt her hair spread out in the water around her head like a fan, tickling her shoulders.  

               Joey looked up at the sky, seeing the stars even though it was pouring rain, she then looked at Dawson and kissed him deeply as their hips moved together.  His image was coming apart in her eyes, he was covered with a million tiny sparkles of light, the drops of water on his hair, his face, the skin of his neck, his shoulders, all covered with tiny bright bubbles.  She gasped as her fingers dug into the skin of his neck as she reached her climax.

               She held on tightly to him, and watched his face, the face she’d loved all her life.  The boy, the man, the lover, all rolled into one in this moment.  He gathered her to him and he climaxed, too.  The water rocked around them in intense waves.  Glittering in the moonlight.  Idly she watched his face as their breathing slowed.  The water on his skin glowed iridescent.

               “Dawson?” she said, still pretty breathless.

               “Yeah?” he said, twice as breathless.

               “I hate to ruin the moment but the waves are reaching our clothes.”

               They both turned to the shore and she detached herself from him.  They both made a run for it and just barely caught the clothes.

               “God that was close!” he said.

               “Yeah, and my bra is history,” she exclaimed, seeing the water taking it.

               “You don’t need it anyway.”

               “I do when I go down the stairs,” she pointed out putting on her drenched and now sandy clothing.

               “I can’t believe it’s still pouring,” Dawson said, looking up at the sky.

               “We gotta get back, your mom’s gonna be freaking out.”

               “Whoa whoa, not yet,” he said, grabbing her arms.  

               “Dawson, it’s pouring rain, I can barely see you, let’s talk somewhere else.”

               “Forget it!  You’re not going anywhere until you say you’ll marry me.”

               She froze, her eyes staring at him with growing tears.  Did he really say what she thought he said?

               “Dawson,” she breathed.

               The lightened cracked through the sky.

               “Come on, Joey, you’re not leaving until you say yes, and the thunder’s increasing so we might get electrocuted,” he said, having to shout it to her because of how loud the storm was getting.

               “Dawson you’re CRAZY!” she shouted back, laughing.

               “Uh huh, yeah, that was established fifteen years ago, say yes!”

               “Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this in a storm in an ocean we just had sex in but YES!” she said, laughing and pulling him to her for another kiss.  Once satisfied by the kiss, she pulled back.  “Now let’s get the hell out of here!”

               Reaching the house, Joey stopped Dawson.

               “It’s gonna be really obvious what was going on, why don’t we climb into your room and change first.”

               “Okay, you first,” he said but she tugged his hand.

               “Dawson, this has been the most fun I’ve had in years, there’s nothing like running and kissing in the rain, I love you.”

               “This won’t be the end either,” he promised her.

               “Shall we tell everyone tomorrow?”

               “No, I gotta get a ring first.”

               “Dawson, I’m gonna have to move out to California and transfer my career and my daughter there.  You know what though, screw it.  It’ll be what always should’ve been.  And I’m freezing my ass off so excuse me,” she said, climbing up the ladder.

               He followed after her, grabbing her legs purposely to make her laugh.

               “Dawson, get off me,” she laughed, climbing into the room.

               Once they were both inside a light turned on, and Jen and Pacey were sitting on the bed.

               “You kids have fun out there doing naughty things?” Pacey said, shining a flashlight at them.

Written:  4/17/03